Monday, December 12, 2011

The Bookseller's Bottom Bitch

In the past, we’ve gotten a lot of letters asking about our collaborative novels. And since we’re planning to release our first e-book within the next week, we thought it would be helpful to bring you up to speed on the razorblade rollercoaster of our combined literary careers thus far.
In the past six years, Bryan and I have learned a lot. For starters, we found that we didn’t know shit about the traditional publishing industry.




            Of course, our ignorance made us prime targets for getting fucked. We lost money to bogus agencies and vanity publishers.







             We even started our own independent printing press. The paper cutter was made/assembled in three different third-world countries, and I’m pretty sure the binding machine glue was made of pure cancer.

Even if it was carcinogenic, it was still better than Twilight.
              But then we went to a literary conference and had our heads pulled out of our asses. Over the next few years we grew, matured, and learned the ways of the industry...
              First, Bryan got an agent.





              This man, a very prestigious agent from a highly esteemed literary agency, said he'd sell Bryan's book. And then Bryan waited, and waited, and waited for that call, like a teenage girl waiting by the phone for the high school jock to ask her to prom.


            And after waiting 6 months, Bryan started to reach out and call the agent. And though he called and called and called, Bryan could never get a hold of the agent (as the agent was always at lunch, even if it was 8 in the morning or 5 at night). Finally he gave up.
            But after another 6 months, the high school jock agent finally called.




       ...And that time, it only took 8 months for the agent to call back.
       He still hadn't even tried to sell Bryan's book because of what he called 'personal problems', but he was interested in selling Brandon and Bryan's first collaborative book at the same time he got on the ball about selling Bryan's independent novel. At last, the two starving artists were hoping to see some success, though they were still at the mercy of the almighty agent.






        A year and a half later, and the agent still hasn't called. Bryan still sits by his phone shaking and crying.
        But worry not, dear reader, for Brandon and Bryan were quite proactive. At another conference, they met the vice president of a huge publishing company... a company so big you've no doubt heard of it. And this big jock of a publishing company loved B&B's collaborate novel so much that they wanted to buy it for a unique program they were going to introduce in the immediate future... something that would revolutionize bookselling.


        And again, the eager high school girls waited by the phone for this huge jock of a publishing company to call and ask them to prom. But this time, the wait was worth it, because the VP had assured them it was a done deal! Where's my dress, bitches?



         And after 6 months, the jock finally called... To say nothing of use.


            And then another 3 months passed, and the time came for the poor starving writers to beg for their scraps once again.



           Yes, that's right, after all that time and after a slew of unanswered e-mails, Brandon and Bryan got a 2 sentence courtesy e-mail that said the program was being canceled, and that was the end of it.
            And so, after 3 years of being told by the publishing industry that we were golden only to be dumped off like refuse, and after being the bitch to a business that will only talk to you when it feels like talking to you, we got fed up. We asked ourselves why the people that wrote the novels had to be the ones with the least amount of power--the least amount of say, the least amount of money, the least amount of respect--and so we're trying something different by releasing our E-book ourselves.
            No endless waiting. No politics. No bullshit. Just a good novel that deserves a chance to be read. And whether we sell one or one thousand, we just want to know that at the end of the day, we tried our hardest, and we never gave up on something we believed in. 
            Now... if you'll excuse me, I have to go wait by my phone. I have to check to see if there's a dial tone and obsessively check my voice messages in case one got through without alerting me.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Beer: Bells Two Hearted Ale
Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

91 comments:

  1. So much waiting...... poor poor boys!
    I can't wait for your ebook to be released. I know myself that as soon as you publish how it can be gotten I'll be flying over to wherever it is in Internet-Land and then will spend about 30 minutes dithering back and forth before finally buying a copy of it.

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  2. Ugh, what a rollercoaster for you guys! Good for you for not letting it being you down and giving up.

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  3. I wouldn't know what it's like to get jerked around by publishing companies. I imagine it's a lot like waiting to hear back from the court appointed public defender!

    Sometimes it's best to just represent yourselves. Looking forward to your release of your fine writing!

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  4. God, who knew there was so much bullshit involved in publishing a fucking book? I'll never read the same way again.

    And i'm marking my calendars for that e-book. I'm sure it'll be epic. Quite sure. :-)

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  5. I feel your pain, us geniuses are a neglected small group!

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  6. Erectile Magic...now THAT I'd like to witness.

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  7. Those bastards, they should be strung up by their bollocks. And for a nominal fee, I'd be glad to do it for you. Pay me now and I'll call about when I'll do it. I'll be at lunch most of the day, but I'll get back with you. I promise.

    You boys know we're all behind you out here. I look forward to spending my husbands money to buy it.

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  8. That sounds insanely frustrating. How could you go wrong with erectile magic?
    I admire your proactivity and look forward to the e-book (if I figure out how to read it without an e-reader).

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  9. Those assholes are going the way of the record companies, they just don't know it yet.

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  10. It sucks you got jerked around that much guys. Hope that after all that this goes well.

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  11. Heart wrenching tale, you poor bastards. I feel for you. Glad you're going the e-book route.

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  12. wow that's brutal. I guess I know what to do if I want to publish a book

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  13. Ugh I hate waiting. The uncertainty is the WORST.

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  14. I love how everyone inexplicably grew sideburns and randomly acquired top hats. But not to fret boys, I'm sure that nice gay man will call you back, and once he does you gotta let me be the first to buy your book! :D

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  15. Arrrgghhh! This made me laugh. And cry. I feel your pain. I'm crawling back under the couch...

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  16. With stories like this, it makes me wonder how anyone manages to get their books published. And there are a lot of crappy books out there... believe me, I've read them! Eagerly awaiting your e-book release - good on ya for for taking the matter into your own hands!

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  17. It's like the old saying goes, "If you want it done right, do it yourself." I know this e-book will be a success. Cheers!

    Tammy

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  18. That sounds stressful.

    It's why I wander from town to town with a lute to tell my stories.

    The marks - er, audiences - pay me up front or they don't hear my delightful tales.

    I had enough to pay for a haircut and a coffee months ago! At this rate, I'll have enough for a hot meal by next July.

    (Looking forward to the e-book!)

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  19. Of course, I was in your RCX. You guys sold me with 2 pages of that book! Alas, I too am one of the powerless.

    I think you make it clear with this blog alone that you aren't giving up. That's most important, because in this game you don't lose until you give up.

    FYI, I will be reading your ebook. And, I'm pretty sure you'll be a lot closer to that 1,000 mark than 1.

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  20. Never knew that publishing is this hard. And hats off to your guts and don't give up attitude. Can't wait for your ebook

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  21. hahhaaha good ol Gil. i'd buy anything from that salesman.

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  22. ouch that sounds about as much fun as slamming your penis in the car door..repeatedly.

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  23. That's a lot of runaround. I know nothing but I've heard independednt or self publishing is the way to go. Can't wait for this e-book. Loved the crucifixtion in your mom's panel by the way.

    Oh and Things To Do (TTD) just doesn't look as good as STD. However, you may be right. I should probably change that...

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  24. Awesome! Can't wait to read it!

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  25. I think this is why so many writers give up. They don't think they'll ever find someone who would publish for them. Thankfully with the internet world, you can do it yourselves. So excited for guys. I'm your #1 fan!!! Just not like Kathy Bates in Misery...lol.

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  26. You'd think with so many crappy books out there that getting it out there would be easier. I applaud you guys for doing the e-book thing though, cut the middle man, make the best of it!

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  27. It's a little known fact, but Shakespeare's first three plays had to be published as eBooks because the printers of his day didn't have caligraphy font.

    Hang in there.

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  28. Didn't realize that even the publishing industry is evil :/

    And to think that crap like Paolo Coelho sells millions, I thought it wouldn't be too hard.

    Good on you guys on selling it as an ebook, that's where the gold is anyways. Good luck, hope you guys sell enough to go to a decent doctor for your malaria (and 'decent' does not mean that creep who lives in your closet)

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  29. Holy shitballs! That sounds like a nightmare. I don't have the patience that you guys clearly have. I'm looking forward to reading your book!! Cheers ~ SF

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  30. Agh, the waiting and the calling and the getting dicked around by publishers must be a nightmare... all the more reason for us fans to continue to support you!

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  31. It's on!

    http://www.sebastianmarshall.com/the-rebellion-is-on

    Love you guys,

    -SM

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  32. Maybe I don't know shit...ok, not maybe....I definitely don't know shit, but I would think in the world of kindles, nooks and all other little digital readers, that an e-book is a brilliant way to go.

    Just think of how many of us who read you here would gladly virtually pick up a copy.

    Good luck fellas!!

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  33. Since it’s near Christmas, and no doubt it will be on the TV soon, I feel this is an appropriate time to tell you boys that I voice all your comics, including the two of you to various voices from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

    Anyway, while I’m usually opposed to e-books, because, well, they don’t smell like real books, and I can play with the edge of the page in glorious anticipation of turning to the next page (and yes I still check out books at the library, too, its like a sensory orgasm for me), I’ll explore yours.
    I adore finger-to-the-man-do-it-yourselfers!!

    HOORAY TO YOU!!!!!!

    :)
    Jen

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  34. Love your site.
    I use to follow but I
    made new blog
    Check it out.
    http://parialexa.blogspot.com/
    Help I need followers :D

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  35. So THAT'S what Harry Potter's wand was all about. I kinda suspected that. Hermoine notwithstanding.

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  36. You guys rock, seriously, i love you and your amazing drawings...your sense of humor cannot be beat!

    i want book!!!!!!!!

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  37. You guys are hilarious. Those publishers are effin stupid, and you guys are better off self-publishng. Everyone's doing it because it's just easier than dealing with these elitist wack jobs. I'd prefer to have a hard copy of my movel on the bookshelves, too. But I'm not gonna be a desperate teenage girl waiting by the phone....because I can't afford my own phone and I look terrible in a dress.

    If your book is anything like your blog (and DUH why wouldn't it be?) I'm buying that shit. Hopefully Larry Botter smells as good as it looks, ha ha.

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  38. The publishing industry is a good example of why dolphins are probably more intelligent than humans.

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  39. I love the 'publish this' T-shirt. lol Oh, yes, publishing is so fun .. it is when you go e. Best to you on the release this week!

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  40. Well... it's like this you two adorable authors:

    I giggled non-stop while feeling bad for you that everyone was ignoring ya'll and your writing greatness... so I gave you each the appropriate number of "those BASTARDS" - getting angry on your behalf - but totally giggling at my computer screen amidst the angry shouts.

    on the UP side - I can't wait for your eBook!!!

    ;-D
    robelyn

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  41. There is no difference between the publishing companies and a brothel

    Both will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

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  42. Hahahah I had to stop by again to say I love this title (I saw it this morning as History Lesson). Never good being a bottom bitch.

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  43. I was originally thinking to be a writer, but self-publishing and writing together takes a lot of hard work. I don't want to become sterile.

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  44. Be sure to get ahold of me if you ever publish that book about wizards. If you need an illustrator for the book's cover, I can get you in touch with the guy that painted the bitchin' ass wizard and naked lady/unicorn on the side of my van.

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  45. Does Oprah's book club promote E-books? Because I would love to see that, or at least a post based on that premise. (No matter that her show is over... I bet she'd start it up again, just to promote your stellar work.)

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  46. With the advance of technology, the music and movie industry has had to change and adapt.

    The publishing industry is no different and you guys are in the pioneering wave. Look forward to the e-book.

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  47. I worked at a small publishing company...you would not believe the fucked up weirdos who submitted shit to us. We would have loved to work with you two!

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  48. This is great work! As a fellow who thinks he can write better than many a published author, it's good to see commentary from...uh...truly experienced writers!

    Keep keeping us updated. Please.

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  49. Excellent! Much love from a Sebastian Marshall reader.

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  50. I've got nothing witty to say about y'all getting jerked around. That sucks and I'm sorry it happened to you.

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  51. I just stumbled across this blog today and I have to say, without seeming too dramatic...YOU HAVE RESTORED MY FAITH IN THE BLOGGING COMMUNITY. Pure brilliance. I love it.

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  52. Blah, looks like it's a giant pain in the ass to get anything published these days. :|

    I'll keep this in mind when I write my Twilight rip-off.

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  53. Kudos to you both for sticking with it, following your passion, and believing in what you are doing. There are too many people that fuck around with matters of other people's hearts (and let's not pretend that when you write you don't put pieces of yourself into it). I'm glad that you are putting it out there for all to read and not waiting on some cock nozzle to publish it. I am positive it will sell more than one copy. :)

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  54. Oooooh I love that Bells Two Hearted. Good choice!

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  55. so when can I buy it?

    Summer is here and my hammock is calling. All I need is a fantabulous book,a nice glass of wine an a long weekend.

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  56. I dated a published author for a while and never appreciated how much hard work it was for him getting his book out there. *feels bad*

    Good on you guys for doing your own thing and thank fuck for the internet.

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  57. Oh ... you guys didn't actually want to get PAID for years of work did you? Also, I don't think you two have an accurate grasp of how excited I am for this gd book. I didn't realize how difficult it was to get published either until we started meeting publishers and writers in my masters program and hearing their tales of woe. You definitely have to love what you do. Good luck boys!

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  58. You guys must be the most patient fellas on the planet. I bet you could even teach a course bearing the name 'How to become patient.' 'We asked ourselves why the people that wrote the novels had to be the ones with the least amount of power'- that's very good question. I guess it's modern slavery of the mind. Good thing you've decided to do it all by yourselves. Wish I were that brave. Good luck!

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  59. From a Sebastian Marshall reader. . .
    Well Done! Do NOT tolerate abuse such as this.
    Bookflix, anyone :-) ?
    If these Dinosaurs don't evolve, they will surely die. It is Evolution. Simple as that.
    RIAA do you hear me?

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  60. Wow, very impressive that you are still writing so. Why is it so hard to get good books published? It took a lot of famous authors gazilion tries before they got their chance, something can't be right in the publishing system!

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  61. Even if it's carcinogenic it's still better than Twilight!!! Pricelessness! Make sure and tell us how we can get our paws on the Novel of Awesomeness! I think e-publishing and/or print on demand has to be the way forward. Why should a small group of people have a say in what we can read?

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  62. I bet those jerks now regret never publishing your work coz i know you e-book is gonna be awesome,whether you sell a hundred or a million copies. :)I think I already love it <3
    And ya...i live in India...so make it available here. i don't care how :/ :)
    I am so glad you never gave up. So glad.

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  63. Considering how many people try to become writers and how few do, you have a better chance of winning the lottery!

    I've been in favour of self publishing since I was a kid and read lots of self published comicbooks!

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  64. so, where can i get your e-book?.... and, just as important.. what's the title? .... a good laugh would do me wonders! :D

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  65. Jeezus, publishing a novel seems far more convoluted than I first thought. I think you should go for self publishing e-book, take out that middle man and less waiting at the phone.

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  66. i've noticed people love things until they have to pay you for them -- best of luck with the book guys, you are very talented

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  67. Thanks for the support, everyone. In answer to the FAQ of the day, the novel is called The Missing Link, and will be released for sale on Monday!

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  68. Ahhh! I'm excited! I'll be sitting by my phone waiting for Monday to call! :)

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  69. They say the definition of madness is trying the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. But nice one with the e-publishing. I've never really bought an e-book before so it might take me a while to get around to buying it.

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  70. There is something extremely satisfying about writing and then printing it yourself. I do LOTS of submissions for plays/screenplays and rarely hear back and when I do, even if it's a rejection, I'm just thrilled to have an answer. Good luck with the e-pub!

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  71. Yahoo! I am looking forward to reading your book.

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  72. What a flipping nightmare! Ya'lls perseverance HAS to pay off. This novel needs to see the light of day!

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  73. Ugh! That sucks. I hate it when people mess you around like that.
    YAY E-BOOK :D

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  74. They published Twilight though, right? I don't want to live on this planet any more =/

    This makes me worry about my friend, who has been working with a DIY publisher to get his novel out there. He pays them, they print it, give it a run in a few stores but he has to sort out advertising it himself. Doesn't sound the best D:

    Glad you're doing it your own way and getting it out there!

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  75. "Even if it was carcinogenic, it was still better than Twilight."

    Hahahaha I almost peed in the office reading that. Now everyone is looking at me funny. Whoops.

    I'll be on the lookout for it. I like to support people who actually are GOOD at what they do.

    Cheers guys

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  76. couple things:

    1. I am very happy you were able to meet Abraham Lincoln

    2. I love that you two were hit on by men so much, that's a gift

    3. if you want it done do it yourself. its 2011 and the internet kept Casey Anthony out of jail. I think B&B can make their book happen :)

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  77. aww gay love xD <3 :P
    Waiting EAGERLY for the books!

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  78. Man I was scared what they guy had in mind for the fifth date? maybe the old dirty sanchez? Either way I will be buying your e-book for sure.

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  79. Damn! after reading this, I am convinced more than ever that Blackmail is really the only way to make your dreams come true.

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  80. Damn! Sucks that your journey took so long, but congrats on getting it out there.

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  81. Holy balls, I've been working on two novels, one a hilarious, disturbing, poignant humor memoir (much like my blog.) And this post scared the shit out of me. Ughh...I dread entering the shark tank. Didn't know there were publisher conferences. Found this site that Stephen King recommends in his book "On Writing" a site called "writer's digest." Okay, I'm going to go shart myself now. Good luck w your ebook. You are talented peeps and your stuff needs to be out in the world!

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  82. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  83. Let's try this one more time in English. It's really all English, but my keyboard is crap,everything sticks so, often my posts and comments look like Lower-Slobovian.

    LMAO - Hope I got that right. I'm dyslexic,so often,I laugh off the wrong body part.

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  84. I hear you! Much like yourselves, I walked my narrow, crooked path hoping that someone would pick up my book and run with it. Late last year I decided f*ck it, I'm doing it myself. I wrote it, so why not run with it, too?!?! Followed you here from the Origins Blogfest and I really enjoyed your post!

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  85. Is it wrong that I thought your origin story was really entertaining? It's your own fault for making your suffering so damn funny.

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