Thursday, December 22, 2011

A Drunken Visit From Creepy Ol' St. Nick

          For those who are anti-Christmas, you may want to avert your eyes and go back to looking at porn, because what you're about to read may offend you. It is a Christmas story. But not just any Christmas story; it's a retelling of the classic, "A Visit from St. Nicholas," or as you might better know it, "Twas the Night Before Christmas."
          Frankly, we felt the original was slow, boring, and had almost no plot development. So what we give you is a Christmas story for the modern era:


"A Drunken Visit From Creepy Ol' St. Nick"



Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house



Every creature was fucked up, even a mouse.


The stockings were hung by the chimney in brown


Which was pretty fucking stupid cuz that shit just burnt down.


The writers were nestled all snug in their beds


While visions of Santa danced in their heads.



When in the front yard there came a great ruckus,
They went to the window, those tired muh-fuckas.

And there, by surprise, but whom should they see,
Jolly and fat; could it be, could it be? 

He crept to the house, with stealth of a cat,
Staying unseen… ‘til he kicked the door flat.


With a great, mighty belch, he wandered inside,
Cursing quite loudly, while cheering Yule tide.




His bundle, a trash bag, tossed to the floor,
His suit was unclean, like a two dollar hoor.



He raided the cupboards, drank all the beer,
The writers were shocked, and cowered in fear.




He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And “filled” all the stockings with a big nasty jerk.


The writers got angry, and chased him with brooms
And Santa ran pants-less out of their rooms.


The house was destroyed by that creepy old drunk,
What wasn't thrown up in was covered in spunk.

So now ol' St. Nick's serving 20-to-Life
And serving as Big Bubba’s prison cell wife


So now you may wonder why this story stunk,
And why Santa broke into 10 houses while drunk.

It's because Santa isn't real, you ignorant dope.
It was just a cracked up homeless guy looking for coke.


THE END


And that's the story of why we're never allowed to recite Christmas poems at the local elementary school again.

Merry Christmas, muh-fuckas!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: The Subways
Beer: Asahi Dry

67 comments:

  1. Now I feel like it's Christmas!

    Mentioned your book was out, hope it helps you two hacks out.....

    http://theangrylurker.blogspot.com/2011/12/painting-challenge-beginsand-book-is.html

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  2. That was freakin awesome! Love the He-man blankets! I do, however, have to question the dream you had about Santa! Kinda creepy!

    I did my own version of the night before Christmas, I think you'll love it! Check it out!

    I'm still hard at work with my promotional blog for your book! I'm still reading it, and I must say it's pretty good!

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  3. From the moment I saw that "Santa" I knew it was a hobo drunk! I think I've developed a 6th sense when it comes to your comics.

    Btw, the cover for your e-book looks so freaking good. MS Paint is the best thing ever! I still have to buy it though, because I don't have an Amazon account (I know, I suck).

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  4. damn it! santa is drunk again! he was all tipsy last year at my house too. lol.

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  5. Zounds! Did "Santa" bring extra stockings for the ones that burned? And has PETA had anything to say about that mouse's beautiful face?

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  6. Ahahahaaha I LOVE it. Best retelling of Twas the Night Before Christmas that I've seen in quite awhile. And I recently watched the funnyordie drunk christmas retelling with ryan gosling. So, that means something.

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  7. LMAO!!!I can see why you were banned at the elementary schools. :)

    Merry Christmas!

    Tammy

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  8. Rhyming "muh-fuckas" with "great ruckus" is truly inspired. They should make you guys the Poets Laureate of the United States.

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  9. lol yeah and u wonder how the leafs are the most profitable team yet they hardly win. its 8 bux here for the local team, which is apart of the ohl, not even the ahl. juts goes to prove how retarded canadians are when it comes to hockey and beer.

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  10. Ha. Loving the drunken santa spunking into your burnt down socks!

    Very Freddy Blassy Folks! Stay Classy!

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  11. I could not stop laughing at this. God I needed that laugh. I think I'd rather have Power Rangers bed sheets than He-Man.

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  12. Lmao! YES a new version was in need. I'll tell this to... my teens. Yes.

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  13. I genuinely LOLed at this! The signs on the house in frame 1!

    Now THAT's what I call a Christmas blog post!

    Merry whatsit to you tow as well!

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  14. Not exactly the traditional ending we know and love, but hilarious nonetheless. I must admit that drunken conspiracy mouse was my favorite character in this tale, haha.

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  15. That's why i get such crappy presents...i always wondered...! Kidding!


    This was brilliant...you guys are so hilarious, i don't know how you do it...(stop that...!), but i am so very happy you do!

    A Happy Christmas to All!

    xoxoxo,
    tracy

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  16. Christmas Wolverine is awesome.

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  17. So cute.best magical Christmas story ever. Can I send my kids to your house to hear this story from you. Incase they need theraphy in future because of me I can use this post as excuse and exonerate me.
    bTB where is your wifey? Wasn't tht hobo stalking her

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  18. Oh Man! This was so funny! The pictures too! :D

    Merry Christmas to you :)

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  19. Santa isn't real? Surely you jest.

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  20. Best thing I have heard all day. I'm still laughing.

    Still reading the book. When I try to explain it to my fiancé I sound like a drunk.
    "well there's this troll. He eats this Internet router. This cop is there. He's like old and got shot before... But not in this book.. And there's these drunk bums. I'm pretty sure one is gay. He thinks he's an actor or something. Then the bums are involved in a fire. Oh and a girl with ADHD falls down a laundry hamper."

    He says he will just read it himself. I guess I don't have the knack for words like you guys.

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  21. ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like yer version better...

    LMBO!!!
    robelyn

    Merry Christmas!

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  22. I knew I didn't like Christmas for a reason. It servers Santa right to go to jail and become Big Bubba's wife!


    PS: is that Van Gogh's ear I see Wolverine holding up in his claw? Bad Wolverine, bad.

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  23. Eeeewww! Merry Christmas, you guys.

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  24. MUCH better than mine.
    And it had a picture of Kramer.
    Nice.
    Merry Christmas back to you!

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  25. Gold as ever. Where can I a He-man bedspread?

    Oh that's right, the eighties...

    Good work gents, take it easy over the holidays.

    Cheers,

    Rusty

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  26. Its not the weirdest version of that poem I've ever seen but it is one of the funnest! I especially love the nude santa dancing in his dream! It was so funny! You guys are great and very tallented!

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  27. Hahaha. Oh this was a grand read. I love all the xmas themed posts. One of the more clever versions of the story might I add

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  28. That was the best "Night before Christmas" I ever heard. I am still laughing my ass off.

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  29. Merry Christmas to you guys too! This was brilliant!

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  31. I spent the remainder of the post with the Milkshake song stuck in my head which really fucked up the rhythm of the story.

    Thanks for saying what we were all thinking anyway...old dude sneaking into kid's houses...not cool! Another great post and an instant classic to be sure. :) Merry Christmas guys!

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  32. I was hoping for the cockshot second pic up. Like how it pointed to my left (his right.) I can't wait to read this to the neighborhood children. God bless your hearts.

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  33. This is the tale I will read to my children some day ... It'll give them a little edge I think. And by "edge" I mean an anxiety disorder

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  34. I always wondered what all that sticky stuff was doing in my stockings... and not just at christmas! (I used to live by a homeless shelter).

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  35. When (not if) my family's Christmas gets tense, I'm going to whip this out and share the cheer!! Hope you both have a Merry Christmas!

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  36. I really can't point just one thing out that was quite fun. I've got so many options, but can't choose one.

    Loved everything! The illustrations, the Santa's milkshake bringing all boys to the yard. Although personally, I wonder if he has his front door open for pie, and back door for strudel.

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  37. Holy crap I love the drunken conspiracy mouse! It's unfortunate he met his untimely demise before an action figure could be created for it. And there might be something wrong with Big Bubba's wiener. Like gigantism or 90 degree angle-ism.
    Great twist on the old tale with a twist on the twist that would make Shyamalan cry and fling semen at his computer screen.

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  38. But, where were the reindeer??? :) Always love warped versions of this Christmas tale. Happy Christmas guys!

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  39. It rhymes...works for me :) I will make sure to lock all my doors especially cos I am on my own this christmas...eh i mean I got mean beasts with me!

    Merry Christmas.

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  40. And here all this time I thought that Santa was really Michael Jackson.

    Happy Christmas, gentlemen!

    Also I did pick up your book but have been too busy dying on my couch from food poisoning to read it just yet. Soon though! (Soon, that I'll read your book, not die.)

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  41. This is so incredibly sweet that I am shocked you are not able to read at elementary schools anymore. People!

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  42. Christmas cheer has begun, officially. Thanks guys! I hope your holidays are as fun as you both. Cheesy, I know. But seriously heartfelt.

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  43. I would like to have some of that "snow" myself. :P

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  44. Haha, good stuff! Hope you're having a good Christmas!!

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  45. Haha... Never heard the original but this was good :)

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  46. Best line: "When in the front yard there came a great ruckus, They went to the window, those tired muh-fuckas."

    Have a great Xmas and a happy new year!!

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  47. You win the Christmas Story prize for rhyming ruckas with mutha fuckas. Brilliant.

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  48. A heart warming Christmas tale - cheers... great music choice with the subways as well.

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  49. Definitely an interesting twist on an old poem.

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  50. This is a fucking masterpiece.

    Merry Christmas, you magnificent bastards.

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  51. this is the best gift I "receive/read"
    love u guys and thank you soo much for this!

    meery xtmas!

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  52. What a creative Christmas story. If I was you two I wouldn't be expecting Santa to stop by tomorrow night. Just say'n.

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  53. Ha.....so what kinda messed up stuff do you have to do all year to skip over coal from Santa and go directly to Santas man juices?

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  54. That would be my favorite santa ever. Also, just bought your book! Looking forward to it!

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  55. Way better than "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"! I'm memorizing it to recite to the children tonight....

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  56. I had a similar dream last night. But instead of Santa, I saw Rick James...

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  57. I'm scared of the L-shaped penis man! I woke up this morning and immediately put my stiff stocking in the trash. It cracked in half.

    MERRY CHRISTMAS - new favorite Christmas story!

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  58. Pure Awesome. I just bought a copy of your book and then i realized that I don't have a kindle....

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  59. Merry Christmas guys! Thanks for your crazy sense of humor. Also thanks for sharing how you do what you do everyday in the latest post!

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  60. Haha, wow O.o

    Merry belated christmas

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