Monday, December 5, 2011

404: Internet Not Found

You're addicted to the internet. Face it. You can't go a day without checking updates, posting pictures of your toddler to facebook, tweeting about what your dog had for breakfast, or winning an argument using Wikipedia's massive intellect. Hell, if you're like me, you probably can't find your way out of the damn garage without your phone's GPS system. Which leads one to wonder...what would happen if it all went away? What if the internet died, permanently?

For me (Brandon), without the internet (and therefore blogging) I wouldn't have a place to write down all my sad, bitter, emo feelings. I'd be forced to revert to writing in my old diary...



It worked great when I was twelve, but now, god only knows how much therapy that'll give me. It takes five times as long to draw a perfectly round boob by hand than it does in MSPaint! That circle tool works wonders!

Another thing that gets way too complicated without the help of the internet: looking for porn.



An hour later...

And ladies, don't judge. Every man over the age of ten who knows how to use a computer knows exactly what I'm talking about. Fellas will go to extreme lengths to procure pictures of naked gibbly bits. And if they can't, well...when the internet died, Uncle Leroy couldn't live a life without barnyardbeauties.com and threw himself into a wheat thresher.

As for me (Bryan), I'd be hit just as hard by the Internet going down. I mean, disregard the fact that I'd have to dig through books instead of consulting Lord Google for answers, or that I'd have to actually leave my house to watch a man get hit in the testicles with a football (thank you Youtube). Without the Internet, I wouldn't be able to blog. And what's more, I wouldn't be able to do any more MSPaint pictures and share them with the world. Instead, I might have to become a homeless street caricature artist.












Or even worse, what will I do for fun?




Let's face it, with no Internet to help feed my creativity, I'll probably be reduced to setting up stuff like this:






Apologies to our British readers. If any of you want to have a crack at deciphering this for the rest of us... good luck.

With that said, today's topic is special because it's relevant to the novel we completed about six months ago, The Missing Link, a satirical look at what would happen if the Internet was gone for good (hint: complete and utter destruction of the world).

We mention this because in handing this particular manuscript off in search of publication, we've been met with an astounding number of agents who have said that they love the writing, the story, and the humor--that it's an amazing book--but they just don't have the courage to sell it. In other words, since it's not a common place story like a vampire romance, or a yet another knockoff tale of a little boy wizard finding himself through magic, it's not an easy sell, so they won't try to sell it.

And so, until we can find the right agent to represent us--someone who has the cojones to sell such a unique story--we will soon be releasing The Missing Link as a low-priced E-book for all of our friends and fans alike to enjoy, because without being too cocky, we think it's just too good to just sit on a computer hard drive by itself, doing nothing.

So stay tuned as we prepare it for E-book publication, and in the meanwhile, how would you be affected if the Internet went down?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Negra Modelo
Music:The Black Keys

86 comments:

  1. Your book sounds great, I would read it. Down with twilight! Love the my little pony diary by the way xD


    I would try to translate the puppet show but I can't really be 'bovverd'

    ReplyDelete
  2. Good on you for going e-publication, why should it languish on a harddrive?
    The sock puppet theatre was like something out of an Irvine Welsh novel.
    Without the internet, I'd probably become more alcoholic lacking any suitable distraction, but probably also more productive...I guess I'd become Bukowski. And who wants to be that depraved lush?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well the callouses on my hand would soften and I could spend the time actually sorting out my porn collection.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The theatre sketch reminded me of the Family Guy episode where Peter only gets a British radio channel! In Ireland we speak way ..ahem...better.

    Without Internet, who will give me praise for my awesome paintings and how would I procrastinate from doing more paintings?

    Also sign me up for the e-book.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm so there for the e-book. You guys deserve so much more than to be bullshitted by agents, MAAAAAAAAN.

    Love you guys!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Count me in for an e-book! Can't be arsed to translate either!

    I have thought long and hard about what will happen when it all goes tits-up ... and blogged about it here.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You are talking about Apocalypse.
    First no internet, I loose my job, and I dont know what other skills I have, unless anyone would hire me as an Indian cook- even that is dangerous, they may sue me a little late. But since there would be no internet they shall be no record and I can hunt for another one.

    A week ago looking at my kids how they were juggling windows phone,ipad and laptop I was wondering after three or 4 years they may call me Grandma or even worse Dinosaurus and ask me , "You guys grew up without internet till age 13?" - how? how?
    I asked same question to my great great granny about powercuts and electricity and tv.

    ReplyDelete
  8. PS LOVED the reverse caricature! Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
  9. OK, I know this is nitpicking, but Smeg is not a British word. It was used in Red Dwarf and that's the only place. I'm Irish, so don't live in England but have enough dealings with them to know that it doesn't get used. When people use it, it makes me all sixes and sevens!

    Also, let me know when the book is out! Always looking for good new reads.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I think I'd probably end up just hitting "Refresh" until I ran out of steam...

    Forget publishing companies! Like record companies and soap, they are a relic... a vestigial organ...

    Looking forward to seeing your e-book, and then the film adaptation of the e-book (hopefully filmed on an iPhone!)...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Good on you for telling those pussy agents with their knickers in a knot to sod off and publishing yourselves. I can't wait to peep it, blokes.

    How would the death of the internet affect me? Well I'd have to go back to doing my stalking from bushes instead of hacking into peoples' webcams.

    By the way, that shirt you're wearing goes well with your eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  12. "Extremely British Puppet Theatre" should be a PERMANENT feature of your blog! Made me larf me bloody twisters off, mate!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I do say old boy, exquisite sideburns.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'd probably grind my face off repeatedly till the internet came back up. JUST KIDDING. But I'm seriously addicted to the internet. If I don't check my email every 15 seconds I suffer a massive panic attack knowing I might miss some crucial life changing message. I know it's coming someday [/sarcasm]

    I wonder if there are Internet 12-step programs haha

    ReplyDelete
  15. I would probably invade Poland. They've great vodka there so I think it would be worth the effort. British puppet theatre is brilliant. You could market that to Masterpiece Theatre and if you cast Helen Mirren, I'm sure she'll be glad to show her tits. And Brandon, you could always open the College Bong box, smoke Uncle Leroy and then break out the stuff in the dance box.

    Looking forward to the E-book boys. Agents are spawns of Satan and should be burned at the stake.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have to say I do like the idea of that book, and the British puppet theater. If I didn't have the internet, I think I'd do kind of okay. The biggest problem I have with the internet is that I use it to connect to people. I wasn't able to update my blog or email my friends, that was really the only thing that changed for me when the internet went down. I do think on a wider scale though it would be like the episode of South Park "Overlogging", or like your book. Hope it does well btw, if it does, don't forget to make physical copies of it!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Looking forward to the e-book. It would be a damn scary world without the internet. Though I do know exactly where my collection dvd, vhs and old fashioned paper porn are. I keep them right near my apocalypse readiness kit. Whether or not it comes with me when the apocalypse happens all depends on how old my kids are and how much they can pack mule for me.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Can't wait to read the book! Out of the entire British Theaturrr conversation the only thing I actually got was "sixes and sevens" (Thank you Austin Powers). I think I'd manage without the internet. I read constantly, so I'd just do that more. And possibly take up some obscure hobby like shearing sheep. Btw, thanks for your comment today. That's exactly what I was talking about.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Without the internet, I wouldn't be able to read the e-book (that I'm very much looking forward to). Oh the irony.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well I sort of know what it's like - I didn't have Internet for an entire week. It wasn't that bad. I actually got other stuff done, like reading a book and eating.

    An e-book sounds pretty awesome, but imagine if you guys get published, that would be so neat! Either way I'm buying it. But please don't steal my credit card details to fuel your porn collection.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Awesome, selfpublish away. You don't have to give so much away. With this following, I bet you will do solid on Amazon or wherever you publish.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Lol...ball in a cup. And the British puppet theater is so funny, I hope someone translates that for ye.

    What would I do if the internet crashed and burned forever? I'd finish my f@ck!ng novel, that's what! How the hell did you guys find the time to maintain this blog *and* write a book with the internet and its infinite supply of porn just waiting to be downloaded?

    Your experiences with the publishing industry is exactly why every artistic medium is dying and more people go the self-publishing route. You'd think that a unique concept would do a lot *better* than more of the same old crap. But we've become a "more of the same old crap" society because the people who sell this shit to us don't have the balls to give us a choice (music industry anyone?)

    So now we've all been conditioned to eat their shit with a smile and any attempt to question it/demand more falls on deaf ears. it's all very Orwellian. I'd write a book about it, but no one would ever buy it.

    Anyway...good luck with your book! :)

    ReplyDelete
  23. ha! i'll be one of your first customers. and... without the internet HOW could I be one of your first customers? ((hint: complete and utter destruction of my world)

    i have a 17 year old... walked in to his bathroom a few weeks ago and found a playboy open on his bathroom counter...
    i turned the light out and pulled a u-turn.
    i'm thinking that i will NEVER turn his laptop on...
    never.
    ever.
    ignorance is bliss.

    ;-D

    ReplyDelete
  24. I cannot wait for my copy of The Missing Link but I'm sorry you are having a hard time getting it published. I have no doubt that it is fantastic. I don't even want to ponder what it would be like without the internet. What was once so easy to do, because there simple wasn't an internet, now seems impossible. I'm sure I would manage but why ever would I want to. Life without email? Without access to ridiculous videos? Oh the horrors!

    ReplyDelete
  25. read the Cockney puppet slang twice. I'm "all at 6s & 7s wiv it" and haven't a clue what they're saying. SOUNDS good tho'.

    You'll find a publisher...or maybe just a pub.

    ReplyDelete
  26. No internet!!!!! We would all die for sure!

    It took me awhile to get through the that puppet show! That's a whole new language there! I was all sixes and sevens trying to decipher that mumbo jumbo!

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the novel! I can only imagine it is awesome. And now I have that Family Guy "Ball in a Cup" episode stuck in my head :)

    ReplyDelete
  28. i think that last pic ther just inspired me to shave some mutton chops.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Can't you do something to sell e-books? Kinda like a bandcamp for authors? It'd be pretty sweet.. it should exist!

    ReplyDelete
  30. I can't wait to read your book. If it is anything like your blog, I will be piddling my pants in no time. It seems like all the publishers just don't have the balls anymore to stand behind a great book. They want an easy sell of mindless dribble they can get giggling teen girls to buy in mass.
    I'm glad Frank Herbert, Isaac Asminov, and Tolkien didn't have the problems facing writers today. They might never have gotten published.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I just don't know that I'm going to be able to get the phrase 'naked gibbly bits' out of my mind. Thanks for ruining my ability to eat turkey. I'd insert a winking smiley face here but it seems like the kind of thing you'd just make fun of me for...

    ReplyDelete
  32. I shudder to think of what my daily activities would involve if the internet didn't exist... I might even be forced to go outside. *shudder*

    ReplyDelete
  33. No pr0n? I better kill myself. D:

    ReplyDelete
  34. because of my language and my name yellowdog granny..I get lots of people looking up sex with granny's..mostly from middle east countries..eek..
    thanks for stopping by and saying howdy..glad I made your Monday..js

    ReplyDelete
  35. X-Files :)

    Looking forward to "The Missing Link"!

    ReplyDelete
  36. You know, when you say it like that, "boy wizard finding himself through magic," it sounds like my book, The House on the Corner. But it's totally not! :P

    I'm glad y'all are self-publishing. I look forward to reading it!

    Maybe if we lost the internet, the post office would make a strong resurgence and stop being so stupid.

    ReplyDelete
  37. What is life without internet anyway?

    ReplyDelete
  38. A few things,
    1) My little pony = BOSS!
    2) Would be very interested to see "dance recitals 09"
    3)Brandon should wear a monocle every day.

    I would not have a life without the internet. Seriously, I would not which way was up without Google maps. And got forbid trying to organise social events without facebook. Total destruction of the Earth is indeed the only option.

    ReplyDelete
  39. A whole day! I start melting after an hour of no internet.

    I love the extremely British puppet theater. I agree, the world would end without the internet. AT least, mine would. Enjoy the formatting. :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. hahahh this is especially apt for me today, because I spent most of my day in a meeting where I had no internet access and it was driving me crazy. Checking my blackberry was not good enough. What if something was happening on the internet and i missed it??!?

    ReplyDelete
  41. lol...these always make me laugh... I'm not the only one with the x-files tucked away in a cupboard

    ReplyDelete
  42. I'm English and I don't talk like that - nor did I understand much of it.

    I think it's best if non uk folk use their imaginations as to what that might mean.

    Hurry up and get the book out guys - can't wait to read it :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. The book sounds great!

    And lovely diary, Brandon.

    ReplyDelete
  44. I would do some writing!! Since I moved out of my parents "dial-up" house in the country, I've succumbed to the amazing powers of high speed internet. It now owns me. My word count since May barely exsists.

    Can't wait to read your E-Book!!!

    ReplyDelete
  45. Well, I will definitely buy your e-book. Screw the publishers. Someone will scoop you up one day and then they'll be sorry!

    ReplyDelete
  46. I'd survive. I'd revert to 1988-era Bluz by sitting by myself in bars and writing of the day's events on a legal pad, silently wishing a hot babe would stroll up and ask, "Whatcha workin' on, Shakespeare?"

    Could happen. Unfortunately, it never did.

    In actuality, I'd have to write blog posts on paper, then stand out on the corner and recite them to passersby.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Without the internet I would probably have to clean the house and interact with the family...Horror.

    I would buy your book cause it is all part of being your stalker..eh fan.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Tell you what, I am completely bonkers over Twitter....The other day I was telling my school friend on facebook that she explained me the meaning of fuck! English not being my mother tongue, we didn't what fuck meant :) We couldn't even find it in dictionary, ah well today, I can just google anything...

    Porn is so easily available on Booble :D

    ReplyDelete
  49. Oh my God, I've got a toddler!!?? Friggin' Facebook!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  50. I think that withoutt the Internet, my second boy would not be in the trouble he's in all the damn time! He'd be getting trouble the old-fashioned way: bottle rockets and flaming bags of poo!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Yeah, that would be a horrible day. Interesting premise, definitely look forward to the e-book.

    On a side note, note sure how I found her blog (may even have been from you guys, in which case sorry for the reverse referral), but the intern has been pretty interesting. I'm not related to publishing in any way but its entertaining and she seems to cover a lot about publishing a book.

    http://internspills.blogspot.com/

    Hope it may help. It was great catching up on multiple posts of yours at once. It's like watching a t.v. show without having to wait until next week. Entertaining stuff as always.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Gotta ask, that box of X-files in your closet, is it a box of dvds or case files?

    ReplyDelete
  53. Fingers crossed that you can find someone to publish your book!

    If the internet died, so would I.

    ReplyDelete
  54. No internet. No Steam. No games. Kill me now.

    Also, I actually Googled Barnyardbeauties.com...

    I'm a terrible person.

    ReplyDelete
  55. I think I would lose it. That's sort of all I can say.

    Seriously, that would just, like, stop all forms of mass communications like I'm doing right now. The world going to get bigger and bigger, if you know what I mean.

    ReplyDelete
  56. I hit the blog again world at the right time! Let us know if Missing Look goes ebook, I'd be interested in a story where the internet dies. Is it a horror story?

    ReplyDelete
  57. Without Google I'm nothing. I live by the phrase "Google it".

    You do right to go down the eBook route. Show them people like the book and they'll come crawling to you.

    ReplyDelete
  58. This post was fabulous as always. Funny as hell. Good for you on the e-book thing. You guys are too talented for the world to NOT know who you are.

    As for me without the internet. I'd be forced to sit on the beach. Oh wait...I do that already!

    ReplyDelete
  59. I was in a cabin this past summer in Flagstaff with no wifi and my cell was not getting any service. It was weird to not be able to check email and my blog. It turned out to be a fantastic vacation not being bothered by technology.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Internet might go down? No problem! I have a box of porn on vhs in the garage, two boxes of porn magazines in my closet (with a box of DVD porn) and various porno mags in draws and shelfs and tables all over my house. And a whole bunch of pics and vids on a storage device... so I'm set for a week or two of no internet!

    ReplyDelete
  61. If there where no internet I'd be better read, have a better complexion, not have a drinking problem, and probably be married.

    I'm thinking of suing Big Internet.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Very funny, I think I will survive without internet, not everyone is that internet dependent.

    ReplyDelete
  63. You mentioned something about going "outside" if the internet shuts down ... what is this land you speak of? I have heard only the ancients speak of its majesty ...

    Oh and also I'm going to buy your e-book so hard. We actually talk about that all the time in my course — how sometimes it's actually smarter to self-publish and get a fan-base thus making your book more attractive to agents and publishers. It's a fascinating industry now. Fascinating but dumb. -ash

    ReplyDelete
  64. A day without internet..............say it can't happen.............

    ReplyDelete
  65. I would have to do work for a change

    And work would be harder if there wasn't nerd forums to consult

    E-book? Nice, I guess this is the book's first marketing sizzle

    ReplyDelete
  66. I would have mixed feelings about it. I suppose I could survive the lack of e-mail by joining the world of texting, and I could get off my butt and get serious about my writing.

    But I guess since I'm a Johnny-come-lately to hardcore internet use (2007) it wouldn't really bother me that much.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Good idea, selling it as an e-book. And no, I know I couldn't function without the internet. At least not without a withdrawal period.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Yep, that's about how long ball in a cup can be played before boredom sets in.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Nice diary. :D

    K-Mart still exists here (in Northern NJ...). It closed for a while a couple years back with the whole chapter 11 thing, but then they reopened.

    ReplyDelete
  70. Bastard publishers. If you release it as an eBook you're going to force my hand and I'll have to buy a kindle or some such bollocks!

    FYI, your English was okay, a bit rusty on some of the grammatical flourishes, but you're adept enough to order a cup of tea or a tart.

    ReplyDelete
  71. It would be interesting to see how I'm going to survive without internet (to be brutally honest, I probably won't). The first thing when I come back from a long haul holiday is checking THE INTERNETZ!

    ReplyDelete
  72. I wouldn't survive If i lost the internet! Oh my Goodness I would have to actually look things up in a...dictionary? or encyclopedia? to do my school work. I dont have time for that nonsense. AS for the EBook I think It is a great idea. Let us know when you release it and I will check it out. My Nook is ALWAYS with me. Its number 2 to my internet addiction.

    ReplyDelete
  73. I'm somewhat flummoxed as there was exactly no mention of the exponential increase in alcohol consumption without the internet. I know that's what I do when I get bored.

    ReplyDelete
  74. I would like to live in a world without internet and cell phones again.

    A world where people pick up the phone to invite you over for lunch or dinner or whatever so they can show you the pictures from their vacation. A world where people go out to a restaurant and actually enjoy each other's company and have a conversation with each other. A world where getting a letter in the mail always made you feel special and loved.

    Nowadays you find out about what's going on in someone's life through their facebook status. From what color underwear they're wearing today to the awkward conversation they just had with their gynecologist. People go out to dinner and barely look at each other because they're so busy with their phones and ipads. I see this everyday at work and it's very sad.

    Yeah, the internet makes it easier to have access to information and to be friends with people all over the world, but a lot of times you end up sacrificing the connection you should have with the people standing right in front of you.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Hi there fellas. If the internet went down, I would have so much free time to think about life I would probably jump out of a window and land on my downstairs neighbor that I hate so much. By the way, that's one funny bird staring at you, Brandon. Looks like that big bird in Harry Potter. You two have a nice day now.

    ReplyDelete
  76. Welp, I guess if the internet was down I would have to brave the malls during xmas shopping season...ugh

    ReplyDelete
  77. Well as I'm from london I thought I had better try and translate... though it will be difficult as i'm pretty sure most of those phrases aren't real... and I'm not even cockney.

    Hey matilda, if you're horny can I feel you're arse?

    ahh scary older man, it's christmas eve so fuck off.

    use your brain you retard, you've got to be a loner if you don't want to have sex like your friend.

    fuck off you prick, if I want to mock an attractive girl because I'm feeling gay (both meanings of the word) then (this bit makes no sense).

    he's made me crazy,I'm going to find my annoying wife to have sex with her instead,

    I enjoyed that, it made me laugh. have a look, friend. And I can't decipher the final bit.

    Hope I was of some use :p

    ReplyDelete
  78. I would invent the bushnet. It wouldn't even have to work. Less than dial up and I'd have you all by the wankers!

    ReplyDelete
  79. Im more a fan of barelylegalbarnyardbeauties.com!
    But whatever. Also you did some jokes on sock puppets right after talking about porn? I dont know about the rest of your readers but I am steering way clear of those socks! Just sayin!

    ReplyDelete
  80. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  81. Really looking forward to the book release. And that's a pretty fantastic interpretation of English slang, try something in Scot's slang next time!

    ReplyDelete
  82. In this sense, living in the US has spoilt me. I have no idea how I survived a week or so without internet soon after I landed in India. Finally got a plug-and-play. Thank god for wireless broadband.

    ReplyDelete
  83. I love your blog everytime I stumble into it. Thx4thelaffs!

    ReplyDelete