Monday, November 21, 2011

The News is Killing Us

         I don't know how it is for our foreign friends, but here in America, the news is complete bullshit. Before every news cast and especially before they go to a commercial, they give these overly dramatic, extremely frightening teasers that force you to tune in and watch, because if you don't, you MAY be killed. Think I'm kidding? See below:


video
video

          So if you don't drink metal and you sit in traffic, be wary, my friends, because you could die at any moment. The worst part? These teasers always lead up to nothing. If you were curious about the stories above, not consuming enough iron could lower your quality of health, and sitting in traffic too much could raise your blood pressure. In other words, 20-30 years from now if you get deathly ill because of low iron intake or you have a heart attack because you sat in rush hour traffic for all those years, you could DIE. Just a tad bit over-dramatic, right?
          Well, in the interest of selling out (which we love to do) we want in! So we'd like to announce that tragedy struck here at A Beer for the Shower today, proving that drawing stupid MSPaint comics actually CAN kill you. So who died? We'll tell you after the comic!




















Meanwhile, just out of pottery class:


Back at Brandon's:













Meanwhile:








Back at Brandon's place:










Meanwhile, yet again:









And back at Brandon's casa:








So what do you guys think of the news?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Music: Angus and Julia Stone (thanks Juliet, for the killer music suggestions and today's guest appearance)
Beer: Newcastle









(See? We told you at the beginning that someone dies, and we always deliver on our promises)

82 comments:

  1. News isn't that bad in the UK yet but it'll get there eventually.

    More importantly, which metal am I not getting enough of? Is it adamantium? We could all use more of that.

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  2. I have heard that watching too much news can kill people. This post proved it for the first time that news are facts.
    I think you deserved the stab from your wife.
    News flash: Reading to much for a beer for the shower can also kill you.

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  3. Local news is the worst. That's why I try to be as uninformed as possible, then somehow end up being more informed than people who watch the news. It's a weird dichotomy.
    The line about raping and mugging her because he has low morals was hilarious.

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  4. Poor wifey :-(

    Great post guys. Keep it up :-)

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  5. Lol, poor wife. I never understood why there is ALWAYS something in America waiting to kill you. The most well known one I've heard is "Africanized bees".

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  6. Serves you right, the news is worse than a reality show...arse water to it all and the papers as well, good comic set though.

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  7. Here in the UK the TV outlets aren't quite as bad as the likes of fox news, but quite a few of our 'newspapers' are printed on solidified sheets of bullock faeces.

    It's about separating the wheat from the chaff, which isn't so hard if you have half a brain. Although funnily enough, having half a brain actually seems to be quite rare, saying as how thousands of people buy this -
    http://news.sky.com/sky-news/content/StaticFile/jpg/2009/Feb/Week3/15226159.jpg

    But as someone who is hopefully going to work in the news, I can say that it isn't *all* bad. Really. Promise.

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  8. "Death by toothbrush" - story at 11:00! I had a nice laugh this morning because it is so true about the news teasers. They make the story sound tragic just to get you to watch (clever people) and it turns out to be nothing. BTW, I like the decorating especially the TV smashed into the wall.

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  9. haha well deserved...did she steal the toothbrush of the homeless person?

    Also I resigned myself to the fact that everything will give us cancer and eventually kill us...even our dreams!

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  10. Ok, the fat lady on your wall.. she's got to go!

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  11. GAH!! Have I ever told you guys how awesome and amazing and fantastic and incredible and super duper and fabulous and amazing and awesome i think you guys ( and your blog) are...??? omg, i almost fell off my chair!!! i love that you turned me into a crazy red-eyed zombie-vampire lady!!! You guys rock the world! You just made my life! haha. I love my BeerForTheShowerCartoon-SElf. :) happy that you liked the music links :)))

    - Juliet x

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  12. #1: I can't believe you watch Fox News
    #2: I knew eating tin foil all these years was going to pay off. WHO'S LAUGHING NOW STEPHANIE.
    #3: I appreciate your wife's combined skill set of deadly weaponry and dental hygiene

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  13. My wife banned me from watching the news long ago. I get angry and frustrated and usually wind up walking away in disgust. Thanks to the internet I can just read and grumble to myself quietly

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  14. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO By the way I love the continuity of keeping the TV stuck inside the wall. The news over here isn't that bad, but I tend to stick to News that doesn't have ad breaks, or just look online. That's seriously bad though, no wonder you guys live in such a state of fear.

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  15. Damn you news!! betcha didnt see the toothbrush shank to the back coming! lol.

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  16. Aw, Bryan, we hardly knew ye! I hope that your early demise makes the top news story tonight. I will certainly be on the lookout for future shankings. My peeve with the news is what they have here "Breaking Weather". It used to be that Breaking news meant something like the President had been shot, now if there is a slight chance of snow in two days, they interrupt the broadcast.

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  17. At least you get something resembling news. It's all weather forecasts at 10:00 for us. That, even though in Phoenix the forecast is always the same: Sunny and hot.

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  18. That right there is exactly why I don't watch the news. That and they repeat the weather report at least 5x in a 30 minute time frame. Although, seeing as how your wife will most likely now be on the news... I may make an exception and tune in.

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  19. long thread is long :)
    i love your cartoon :), it always make me smile or laught :D
    keep making good stuf !

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  20. i learned from this post that i should be watching your fox news because your anchor lady has a fantastic rack. she must have invested in a really great push-up bra.

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  21. beer, the cause and solution to all the worlds problems.
    -Homer J Simpson

    true story.

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  22. This is why I read the newspaper. No bullshit teasers, no hateful comments after each article, and no partisan agenda. (Okay, maybe some partisan agenda. But not nearly as much as Fox News.)

    And reading the newspaper definitely won't kill you. Right?....RIGHT?

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  23. Now i know for certian why my college Son is doing a research paper comparing International News repoting with US reporting and his hypothisis is that Internationl reporting is much more accurate...after reading your blog, i agree even more!

    i love you guys!!!!!

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  24. I stopped watching Channel Seven News just for that reason. The worst is when there is a hurricane coming. Geez Louis, they pace back and forth and tell us how the world is going to end, then show us a palm frond blowing in the wind.
    It's all about the ratings, baby!

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  25. This couldn't be more true about the news...except where I live, they won't just make you wait until the end of a commercial break....they say "To find out what may be killing you, tune in tonight at 11"

    Don't ever make the woman wait! You had it coming!

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  26. Yeah, do the competition "reality tv" next. Big Brother, and the Amazing race. Gets my wife everytime, I feel as though I'm dyeing inside just having them on in my house.

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  27. I especially hate local news. If I watch world news, it is more for the entertainment of the drug commercials...if you take our drug, you will no longer be constipated, but you will possibly lose all your senses.

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  28. Different kind of news: have you guys already had a look at those pictures of us on Steve's blog? So flattering....

    http://steve-bailey.blogspot.com/2011/11/one-year-blogging-special-thank-you-to.html#comment-form

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  29. I HATE THE NEWS!!!!!!!!! Stupid Assholes blurring the truth! AND when MSN doesn't have anything to report they are always reporting about children that have been killed. I call it MSN dead babies...WHO in their right mind wants to hear that shit?!?!

    I need a beer...

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  30. What a great post! I had a good laugh like, three times! I hate the news, the news is just as bad here. Granted, we pretty much copy American news and add a few "people that have died today" thing.

    Thanks for the laughs! :D

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  31. Egads. I HATE watching the news. Fortunately I don't have television channels. I do own a TV but it's only a monitor for my DVD collection. The news is so terribly depressing.

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  32. That was some funny shit.

    I despise the local news. All news really. But the local channels are ridiculous.

    We have one here who's commercial is about how they aren't ambulance chasers and all bad news all the time. They are the news station that cares. Bullshit.

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  33. Hahhaha I know EXACTLY what you mean about the news. I have to turn it off before going to work and it's always SO HARD because I know I'm missing News That May Save My Life.

    Also, the banana with a chainsaw is great. I'm going to take even greater pleasure out of eating bananas now, knowing that I'm keeping innocent lives safe from their chainsaw wielding madness.

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  34. Ahaha, I find American news channels really funny. Because all the anchors are like "... it's going to kill you soon", and they say it with this "charming" smile on their faces

    And American news anchors are just way too expressive, they seem to be flirting with each other all the time. Shitty Good Morning America flips on sometimes, and I'm like "are you all shagging each other between the commercial breaks?". I like Brit news anchors - they don't even smile at you. Ahahaha

    ...and, you have the creepiest wall paintings ever. Is that a dead hooker, Rubens style?

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  35. Omg, you guys just made my lunch hour. You should have seen the looks I was getting with all the laughing. This is exactly what I think of the news! It's especially bad when I leave the tv on and the WGN news at 9 out of Chicago comes on.

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  36. hahahaha...awesome fun reading the post! And I thought only Indian channels have such news :D

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  37. That image of Byran needs to be used more often.

    Either you guys use it more, or I will.

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  38. I like this one. Fantastic, even by ABftS standards!

    I also like news teases that say, "Up next: What common household product is your teen getting high on?"
    This is a tease on local news about once a month.

    I don't have a teen yet, but man, those teens are getting high a lot!

    The fear has driven me to drinking mouthwash.

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  39. The world is a dangerous place. It's amazing that we've all lived this long!

    Jay

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  40. So true. So true. I have a friend who's a reporter, and I love watching the news to support her, but those pre-commercial cliff hangers are brutal!

    Also, regarding your comment about the running shoes... I'm a huge Asics fan! I think I just got the wrong model this last time around. Even so, I'm not soured to the brand.

    Keep on running! And making great posts. I love MSPaint. :)

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  41. Ha! I only watch BBC News (I have to DVR it because its aired at like 4am) because of this.

    For me, (get ready I'm climbing aboard my soapbox!) it's how EVERYTHING is giving EVERYONE cancer.

    But you know what?! Doing EVERYTHING right doesn't make you immune from cancer. I should know!!

    They had this big damned thing on TV the oher day about how avacados will save you life, your soul, your relationships, your bank account, it was rediculous.
    I eat avacados all the damned time, but that didn't stop my blood from getting all cancery again!

    Everything's a crisis.

    I actually feel sorry for the saps who see this stuff an buy into it. Sometimes I WISH I could be that stupid.
    Okay, stupid might not be the right word...gulliable, maybe.

    Okay-Off Soapbox.

    *By the way, THAT'S why I've been too tired to blog. Chemo's taking a gross toll on my life. (And my eyeballs, t hurts to look at the screen for too long)

    :)
    Jen

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  42. And this is why I threw out my feckin tellybox. Why pay to be afraid. It doesn't cost me a thing to watch my middle-aged arse creep south. Now THATS scary.

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  43. It'll only kill you if you drink mercury, THEN run into traffic.
    Good thing I get my news from Jon Stewart and The Daily Show..

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  44. I fricking laughed my socks off at this post. Until l realised l might die.

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  45. Who else scrolled up from the 7th image and checked if the first one had the 2 portraits on the wall as well?

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  46. I am actually quite freaked out by this. It's so creepy. But wonderful.
    In Canada we do have it to some degree, but I have also seen and compared it to Fox News and CNN, and it isn't nearly as bad.
    Also, thanks for the dropbox recommendation! I actually already use it, but I sometimes forget to back up :P

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  47. The news is such bullshit. It's all propoganda. I often wonder when exactly did we become TASS?

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  48. I'm happy to report that the news here isn't like that. Well not as much, it doesn't leave you with a cliffhanger - you have to watch the soaps (which I don't) for that.

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  49. Shoot, I thought it would be the gerbill...

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  50. Oooh, the wife is hot. You've chosen well. (Except for maybe you want to keep the sharp implements away from her in stressful situations.)

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  51. Wait! What kind of car could explode?!?! You didn't tell us! I'm so scared to drive, now!

    And that's why I don't watch the news :)

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  52. Some people think I prefer being ignorant of current events but I think of it as avoiding mass hysteria over every new cancer causing, potentially fatal, and seriously depressing news. I haven't watched a positive news story in years...so I don't watch anymore. This was so spot on...and your poor wife!!! I'm kinda glad she took her toothbrush shank to you! ;)

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  53. In Italy they always say 'it's aaaaaaaaaall ok, don't worry! we don't have money, in two months we are all under the bridges but it's ok. our president last night was in 3 party with other vips, i'm sure that he fix everything' :)

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  54. I think my favorite is when they discover life could exist on another planet...that is billions of light years away. Or our sun will eventually burn us alive...200,000 years from now, probably...

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  55. I think the only thing killing people in Brandon's house is that he has a picture of a large fat woman in a g-string laid out like she's Lohan for the latest Playboy spread. Wait, La-Lohan in the playboy spread would actually kill you. I take my previous comment back.

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  56. Ha! Told you she would shiv your ass if you didn't treat her right! :P

    As for the News, I don't even remember when was the last time I wasted my time with it. I'd rather spend an hour watching paint dry.

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  57. Mel is feisty!

    In the UK, the news is not quite so hysterical, but are great at making a story where none exists: A car crashed into a tree today and in a house, just yards away, a baby was sleeping upstairs. It was terrible said a neighbour, the baby could have been killed or something.

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  58. I was reading this in school, and everyone was watching at me like I'm some sort of a sick idiot as I LOL'd (literally) all the way to the end.

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  59. It's funny how my favorite part of your comics is always the pictures you have hanging on your wall.

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  60. Hahaha, insane. I hate the news. I can't stand to watch it. I love how one day some kind of food will kill you, and the next, it is a cancer curer. Bunch of bull!

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  61. Comment no 63. That's what I get for being late to the party. Our news isn't quite that bad although they do love the teasers. Digging the Aussie reference. Love you guys sooo much.

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  62. Lol :D

    Do you really have that many ads on in the news? We have teasers in adverts luike an hour before the news comes on...

    WTF is that fat woman on the sofa in the background pic? It's terrifying.

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  63. What do I think of the news? I think next Halloween I'm going to forgo "Evil Dead" and watch "Action News" instead. Fucking scary, man!

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  64. Stay tune this story could increase your life and improve it's quality - click to other station - because people are so frustrated they rather die and don't believe any of this crap anyway.
    good cartoon

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  65. absolutely hilarious! who created them cartoons?

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  66. So I looked at the banana cartoon sideways and...well, I am just a pervert, I guess. But this is so right on! Remember all of the horror stories about swine flu and killer bees? Why we aren't all dead now?

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  67. Exactly why I no longer watch the news. Ever.

    xoxo

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  68. The media over-hype everything... and when they get guests on to talk about a subject they have to argue...preferably violently lol

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  69. um couple thoughts..... the news is truly terrible these days I agree!!! And apparently somehow run by vampires according to you guys?
    second... I think that fat lady portrait on the wall might actually be valuable!! You should take it to The Awful Antique Roadshow
    and third... I loved everything about this weird, fairly true but deeply disturbed post! Nice job!

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  70. Here in Turkey its not that you will die... it's that people will try to kill you. There is always a sensational report about how the kurds are plotting to kill someone, and lots of warnings to stay away from "potential" demonstrations.

    Really... I think it is the majority government trying to villify people who are trying to get equal treatment under biased laws, but that is just my corrupted western values coming out.

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  71. Haha One of the best posts xD but is it TRUE?

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  72. (I don't watch the news at ALL )

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  73. It's very, very true. I hate how they end everything with a question mark and can thereby insinuate without outright saying it. Pisses me off.

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  74. LMAO!

    i read this monday... and have laughed myself stupid while watching the news - gasping at each teaser and tapping my foot during the commercials in complete IMPATIENCE to see how my breath will stop and my brains explode out of my fingertips just from looking through my new sunglasses that got recalled yesterday 'cause one lens (out of 50billiontrillion lenses) was found to have newspaper print on it from a toxic newspaper that was found in a back alley that was raided and taped off 'cause just a couple of days ago a deadly toothbrush was found wrapped up in a piece of newspaper!

    there was blood and stuff.

    the whole story was a nail biter! but then... i couldn't watch any more nail biters 'cause it turns out - NAIL BITING WILL KILL YOU!

    have a happy thanksgiving...
    gobble gobble
    ;-D

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  75. Awesome post. Love the running gag with the tele now. Beautiful.

    As for what some people said about the UK news not being quite so bad - I call shenanigans. There is a habit in British news broadcasting that involves interviewing victims of terrible tragedy and asking them insensitive questions just to make something appear emotionally endearing, when really it's just insensitive. 'So, your house just got burned down and you have no insurance, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?' *camera zoom to tear duct*. Mainly Sky and ITV are the main culprits, but the BBC also do it.

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  76. L.M.A.O! "burrowing his way into our hearts" destroyed me!

    also, I love that Mr. Fecus wagoned his way down from Chicago to hit on wifey.

    p.s. plz make me feel less like an assface for disappearing for the last 2 weeks.

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  77. You guys are awesomely funny.

    I hate the news too. :O

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  78. Its like the boy who cried wolf, say stuff could kill you enough and eventually people wont listen when its a real warning!

    Also if the stress of sitting in traffic could kill you wouldn't the stress of the crap news kill you too?

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  79. That's why I don't watch the news. Pro: I don't have to be suckered into crappy news stories. Con: I have no idea what's happening in the world! :)

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  80. gotta love the 10 oclock news.excellent post I could totally see this as an animated series.

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