Monday, November 14, 2011

High Tech, Low Budget

So, we're all aware that the economy is doing its best zombie impression at the moment, dying and awaiting resuscitation so that it can once again devour your paycheck someday. And that means that most folks are spending a little less these days, and wisely so. But, just because you're broke as a joke doesn't mean you should have to sacrifice a shot at keeping up with all the coolest new electronic shit. So I've put together a couple simple ideas that will help you transform ordinary household crap into cutting edge technology.

The hottest gadget out there right now is, of course, the smartphone. Because, let's face it, you're too goddamned busy to be bothered with using multiple machines, when all you really need is one mutant supermachine to get the job done. So, I present to you...the poor man's smartphone.

Because nothing says 'retro cool' like a bunch of clunky 90's hardware duct-taped together like some kind of Silicon Valley Frankenstein's monster trapped in a time machine.

This baby's got Windows 98 on it, which technically makes it a "Windows Phone," and let's face it, it's probably just as good as any other shitty Windows Phone currently on the market. (Seriously though, does anyone here even know someone that owns a Windows Phone?)

 Feel free to customize your new device and add apps at your leisure. As long as you've got more duct tape and the will to bastardize, you'll never have to worry about compatibility or not being able to make upgrades.

Next up...home entertainment. It seems like everyone but you has made the switch to LCD flatscreen television, right? And yet you're still stuck with this tumescent monstrosity sitting in your living room, hogging all the space.
 Good God, don't try lifting that heavy hunk of crap. Not only will your spine explode, but with the slightest nudge, the magically flimsy TV tray holding that bulbous beast up will collapse into toothpicks. Here's the plan: you're going to turn your TV from an 'outie' into an 'innie,' using a little brute force and the mystical hunger of your living room drywall. I'm sure Bob Vila would tell you to build a recessed alcove or something, but we don't have time for that. Like my granny always says... 
 And presto smasho, one solid thrust later...
 Your formerly huge television is now a sleek panel of glorious entertainment protruding from what used to be just another ordinary, crappy wall. Score!

And finally, let's not forget the ever-important GPS navigation system. For this, my friends, you'll need surprisingly little, besides an old watch, a bottle of booze, and a highway underpass. Because nothing beats having a navigation system like having an actual navigator. And nobody knows a city like a homeless guy.




Sure, it may not be glamorous, and you may have to drive with the windows down in the dead of winter just to handle the stank, but at least you'll have company. And you'll always wind up at your destination sooner or later. Just so long as your navigator is kept swimming in high spirits.

And while all of these are, without question, superb ideas for improvised electronics equipment, I'm sure you all can come up with many better ones of your own. Tell me, anyone else ready to go apply for a patent?

Cheers,

-brandon

Beer: Dogfish Head Indian Brown Ale
Music: The Jimi Hendrix Experience

67 comments:

  1. I'm going to try the TV one but it may cause issues with the neighbours...any ideas?

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  2. Oh Scabby Delilah and your nickle handies, how I miss thee.
    I have a Nook that's actually just a bunch of books glued cover to cover. Really hard to transport, but it gets the job done.

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  3. Loving the smart phone...only problem is that classic Polaroid film now costs an arm and a leg.

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  4. That is truly a wise man since he knows that when one drinks grain alcohol, the kidneys cannot process it completely and thus one can still get drunk off of the urine. Some people have even gone so far as to bottle and sell this urine as a product called "Bud Light". (Bud is quite the alcoholic to provide so much urine for college frat houses the world over, though he gets so help from his friend, "Miller", too.)

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  5. You know, it never fails that whenever I'm having a shitty morning (like today), this blog manages to make me laugh. Like lol laugh. Hard.

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  6. I find that ripping out pages of a book and gluing them to a cardboard square says I may not be able to afford a Kindle, but I can still look just as douchey. Btw when you shoved the TV into the wall I almost died.

    -ash

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  7. I will have to use the duct-tape idea. We seem to collect out of date electronics around here. I think I have a Palm around here somewhere I can add to my old laptop.
    I don't know about using the residentially challenged for navigation. I have been in a car with one and the stench was too much to take, plus he had the beginnings of dementia so I think I would have ended up in Cleavland rather than downtown Miami.

    Tammy

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  8. These are some great tips.

    It's just as well that I'm poor, really.
    I mean, the expensive new stuff is so LIGHT that you hardly even hurt the person you're throwing it at...

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  9. *giggle*
    yer a redneck!!! duct tape is like the force...

    i have all of those components... hmmmmm...

    ;-D robelyn

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  10. That's funny, I don't remember sending you a pic of my smart phone! I use only caveman technology, I don't have the money or the need for all the latest gadgets.

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  11. 2 things....

    1) Presto smasho. Awesome.

    2) Which bridge is Scabby Delilah under?

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  12. I had a feeling that thing would not pass airport security... lol.

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  13. Take a regular pad of paper, get one of those douchey conference binder/wallet things you get given on courses or trade fairs, (might have a pad in already), cut an oblong hole in the front and presto-cheapo - an iPad. You can use marker pen to draw the little apps on.

    Made my Monday, guys!

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  14. Aaah, I was just imagining duct taping a brick phone to my laptop, and using it as a smartphone.

    Another idea: take a normal laptop, turn it on it's side, and pretend it's an iPad. Jam your fingers on your screen, and get your friend to use the touchpad simultaneously, so you can pretend it's touchscreen.

    And gosh, yes I still have that clunky TV. Well, ok, I don't (I don't have a TV at all), but my parents do (hey, I'm Asian, I still consider my parents' home to be my home).

    But the wall thing wouldn't work, because all the heat will just get trapped in the wall, and my house will explode one day.

    Better to cut your TV in half and pretend it's working. Most people with fancy flat screen tellies only have them to show off anyways.

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  15. the homeless guy has an extra advantage, if you can't afford any sort of sound system for your car you could probably persuade him/her to sing boistrously. Problem is it's hard to get them to stop :/ why am I saying this as if I know this from experience?... I have never locked homeless people in my car in order to replace technology...really I promise.

    http://themundanemadcap.blogspot.com/

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  16. Thank you for not calling it the Willis Tower. A special circle of hell has been created for people that use that term.

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  17. Dr. Phil Bieber is the best one yet!!! OMG, that's hysterical. I do have a flat screen but the spare room has a big, bulky TV. Great picture but god help us if the entertainment center takes a dive!!!! Great post as usual.

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  18. I'm thinking to make the smart phone really up to date you'll need to duct tape on a second polaroid. That way you get front and back facing cameras - cause EVERYONE must need those!

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  19. sweet laptop, looks like mine.

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  20. Serial killers will make great use of that laptop.

    Jay

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  21. The sad thing is I think I've seen people do that with their TVs before...

    And that hobo isn't Bear Grylls. You can't trust him.

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  22. You had me at windows 98.

    Did you know the old brick cellphones are making a comeback. You can buy a hipster iPhone case that makes it look like the old "Saved by the Bell" phones from the mid 90's...

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  23. i like that one solid thrust can provide me with a flat screen tv. i'll have to try that out later today when the husband gets home.

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  24. Why do I have the feeling that Hobo Jim was based off of my Dad's uncle?? Who's name is Jim, looks almost identical, and smells bad? I'm a little freaked out right now!

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  25. The Windows phone will work a bit smoother if you install Win95. Best version of Minesweeper too.

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  26. ir remember me a picture with "Meanwhile in poland"

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  27. The GPS one is very true I think. You have to need to get there yourself via walking or driving to truly know the way.

    When I first started driving at 16, roads that I had ridden on as a passenger didn't click. Even if I zoned out, we still wound up there as a passenger. Not so much as a driver.

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  28. lol. where can I pre-order the super-phone?

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  29. I need more duct tape to upgrade my equipment..

    P.S. Love Dr. Phill with the Bieber hair cut!

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  30. Well, you could always remove the duct tape, get past airport security and tape them up again. For ease of assembly and for upgrades there wouldn't be a better device in the market.

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  31. I'm never going to buy a smartphone, f that ish. So please pass me the duct tape!

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  32. That Polaroid is almost as good as my webcam.

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  33. The husband gave in and got his first smartphone today, if only he would have seen this first. He'll do anything to save $.

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  34. Wait, that isn't what a smart phone is?? Crap. Hmm, and now to decide if I like the Homeless Guy GPS or the Dave Chappelle. Can I get an option for both on my next GPS model?!?

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  35. There was a windows phone? With 98, it probably dropped itself and forgot it's a phone ... wandering out there with an identity crisis.

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  36. I have a walkman/pedometer. You just have to do the step counting yourself. It's very empowering.

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  37. I think that is about as close to a smart phone as I am going to get...and hopefully not nearly as close to that guy w/the stringy beard who smells like pee.

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  38. I love my etch-a-sketch app...oh and my 3d kindle, it's just like a book

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  39. I bet the battery life on your 'poor man's smartphone' is better than my actual smartphone.

    BTW tumescent is such a great word. I'm going to use it more in everyday life. My brain shall become tumid with knowledge.

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  40. I have to say I love the idea of having an actual car navigator. Making it a drunk homeless guy just seals the deal.

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  41. I don't have a Polaroid, but I do have an old film camera that is probably from around the time Jesus walked on water and I still have my very first cell phone (which IS a Motorola!). Unfortunately I didn't keep my Windows 95 computer, so I guess I'm out of luck. No smart phone for me... :werebunnysad:

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  42. I don't have a smart phone, so I think I'll try the poor man's smartphone. I might have to swap the Polaroid camera with a digital. LOL!

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  43. So many ideas :)
    Carry your landline along with big ball of wire and that is called mobile.
    Life was simple during DOS, C, Pascal, Cobol, Fortran? Wonder what happened to all those cavemen who used windows 95?

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  44. I'm still looking for startup capital for my latest invention, the Wasp Attractor. It's a special unisex perfume impregnated with wasp pheramones, so that wherever you go wasps will inexplicably be attracted to you.

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  45. HAHA. Love it. The tv shoved in the wall is an awesome idea...might have to try it out. lmao at the poor man's smart phone. how on earth do you come up with this stuff!!

    Phoenix ( my camera) is stuck on auto mode until i figure out how to shoot on manual. :O

    And..i appreciate the song links! They'll be added to my playlist. I listen to quite similar stuff and a lot of other stuff too. CITY AND COLOR OMG. Lucky you. I really loved their previous album. haven't been able to get into their new one, i need to play it more, except i really like 'Hope for now". Sondre = <3 and i love the Elbow's song.
    some songs that i like...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pib8eYDSFEI&ob=av3e

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOT2-OTebx0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHOdp0VDDa0

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-I2IeODXEo

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnSdjIpMVsc ( i like all their music but just picked one to share)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=RGr10hTkqks#!

    - Juliet x

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  46. I saw the TV into "flat screen" coming. I wonder what the neighbors would think though.

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  47. i have attempted to tape the navigation device in my bike helmet once.... DID NOT WORK and that stupid lady voice should quit telling me to turn right after 500 meters....

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  48. Brandon. Another Great Post Bro! Your humor has me always laughing so hard that my wife is always looking in my home office to wonder what is so funny. Thank for your clever writing style!

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  49. I saw someone giving free upgrades for iPhone 4 to iPhone 4S for a dollar

    He put a sticker on it

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  50. Heres an idea.... Go down to where Scappy Delilah is and ask to see her friend Ray.... then give him a bj...... and bam!!!! You got yourself a Blu Ray!

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  51. Ooooh tumescent. Thanks for teaching me a new word. Oh and not to be snarky or anything, but I'd keep your day job. (;

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  52. I am yet to meet someone who has a windows phone! No seriously. Only M$ employees download the FB app for windows phone and update their status saying,my company gifted me a windows phone :-/

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  53. Ha ha, awesome. WTF is the point of a kindle, what was wrong with good old books??

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  54. Would you think less of me, Brandon, if I told you I still have this huge and not-so-flat TV set dominating my living room? If so, I won't tell you. But er.. don't tell me you're an iPhone fetishist, too.

    http://rcbenglishclass.blogspot.com/2011/11/i-phone-whenever-hell-i-want-to.html

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  55. Remember when boomboxes were considered portable music devices? Yeah me neither.

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  56. The sad thing about the demise of the old style TV's is that they were almost burglar proof. Face it much respect to anyone who managed to wrestle one of those out of the living room – the thin light plasma jobbies can probably be jacked by a 5 year old high on E numbers....

    Inspired by your idea I was thinking off strapping a couple of cats to the front of the old car so that wherever I go there will always be Cats Eyes leading me to safety ...Although I fear Marc Bolan may have beaten me to that idea in the late 70’s.....

    If I strap a washing machine to the back of the car (do you have any of that industrial strength tape, about 1,000 rolls should cover it) I could save time with my new “Wash n Go” system

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  57. My dad got one of those old fashioned TV's given to him by his mate. He needed somebody to help him get it to his place. That person was me. And his place is right at the top of a block of flats.

    We're chucking it out of the window when he's done with it.

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  58. Lmao, the walls in my house are paper thin, if I tried the TV trick it could quite possibly damage the structural integrity of my home.

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  59. Yep, I'm gonna get my daughter one of those fancy "retro" smartphones for christmas...maybe she'll stop crabbing about it then

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  60. Dude, you just saved me hundreds of dollars in television mounting fees! Why didn't I think of that?

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  61. You know, it never fails that whenever I'm having a shitty morning (like today), this blog manages to make me laugh.

    Thanks
    M

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  62. that smartphone needs an extra battery-pack...maybe in the shape of an fashionable backpack?

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