Monday, October 24, 2011

White People Problems

          Most people who read this blog already know that I live in a pretty white-bread area. Suburbia, if you will. But it wasn't until I got this little gem in the mail yesterday that I realized how truly yuppie this place is.


            Yes, that's right, life is too short to waste your valuable time cleaning up your own messes. I mean, why would you sweep your own floors and take out your own trash when you can have immigrants do it for you? Time is precious. Well, not the immigrants' time... that's valued at about $7.95 an hour.
            And so, because of this, I have decided today's post is going to be about something I call...
           "White People Problems."
            AKA the problems that only yuppie white people could ever have, which are very different from the normal problems that you or I have. So we here at A Beer for the Shower are going to help you differentiate between real problems and White People Problems. For example, going off of that flyer...







          But these don't just extend to the hardships of cleaning ones own property.









            These also go far beyond the troubles of getting a loaner without full upgrades. No, they also affect our jobs.













            I mean, really, have you guys seen the cost of Vitamin C these days? Highway robbery.
            Lastly, these suburban problems can also reach the children.















And yes, if you're wondering, I've heard the car loaner and the job one first hand, which incited some very heavy eye rolling. So I have to ask, have any of you heard any white people problems? Or do you have white people problems of your own? We won't judge. I'd kill for $100k a year and a black tar heroin baby.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Beer: Dos Equis Amber
Music: The Boxer Rebellion

91 comments:

  1. I'm just borderline poor while I still have a job, can't afford black tar heroin...or a black lover.

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  2. This is a problem I actually heard first hand from a person I used to work with:

    J: Hey M, How are things?
    M: Terrible! My wife found out that I was sleeping with the Nanny so we had to fire her.
    J: Oh, the poor woman.
    M: Poor woman? We had to hire a new one and her tits are saggy and she's not nearly as good in bed as the last one.
    J: Uhm, wasn't the problem with the last one that you were sleeping with her?
    M: I don't understand the question
    J:

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  3. I recently visited a white person living in a student flat. She complained for TWO HOURS that the rug didn't match the sofas, and the throw cushions were poly-blend - the horror!
    I thought to myself, you're a student living in London, and you have a Living Room?!

    White people problems!

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  4. "My dad won't buy me the new iPad so I have to use this stupid first generation iPad."
    By the way, you'd "kill" for a black tar heroin baby? I think they're giving those away for free or for a cassette player at most.

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  5. The MTV show My Super Sweet 16 is one long-ass white people problem.

    It really puts my problems into perspective though. Can't get a job because I'm bipolar, pffft who gives a crap. It's nothing compared to not having enough cute guys to carry you onto the dance floor at a party that costs more than I've earned in 30 years.

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  6. There are a lot of White People Problems as they're known. I've yet to hear any this bad though, but one thing that always pisses me off is when teenagers complain about a lack of money online...using their iPads. Seriously guys, seriously.

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  7. My neighbor had a serious white problem when "her mexicans" (her words, not mine) quit work before they'd finished the tile in her kitchen. On the same day, my dog got off his leash, ran over to her yard to get petted and she kicked him. She found herself with a whole new set of white problems on that day.

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  8. And have you SEEN the price of caviar these days?

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  9. Living in Boca Raton and working at a police station, I hear a lot of white people problems every day. The worst was when a woman called 911 because her 4 year old was "out of control" because the woman had told her "no" for the first time in her life.
    Literally the woman said, "I don't know why I listened to the therapist, she's the one who told me I was going to have to start saying no!"
    Believe me, I hear hundreds of stories like this every month. Sad.

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  10. Ha!

    You know, it's not the problems of the RICH that frustrate me when I hear so much as the petty problems of the merely comfortable.

    Problems with your phone network - you, know, network went down for 5 minutes. Or maybe your alarm clock is blinking because the electricity blinked off while you were away.

    Or you don't like the changes facebook made to their dashboard.

    That might just be because I don't know any rich people.

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  11. I hate how when I go into a department store and can't find anybody to help me because all of the sale people all too busy watching to make sure one of those minority-type people who wander in doesn't steal anything. Don't they screen people before they let them in the store?!?!

    I was going to add an insensitive gay remark as well but I'm still on my first cup of coffee.

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  12. TEEHEE!

    You guys have still got your funny goin' on. I have missed reading your posts, hopefully it wont take too long for me to catch up.

    HAHA..'white people problems' love it.

    Sadly I can't think anything to add to this :/ ...

    - Juliet x

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  13. You guys are funny.

    BTW, I nominated your blog for the Versatile Blogger Award.

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  14. x- OMG IDK what to DO! I am soo bored with my Iphone 4
    me- What about your galaxy tab?
    x - oh I drowned it in the beach to get this stupid one! =O =p

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  15. EXTREMELY RACIST PROBLEM. Had me laughing like a crazy person. :P

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  16. Holy Shit did this make me laugh.

    Sadly, I've not been exposed to white people problems. Or should I say, thank god? I'm not in with the rich set.

    Oh wait, does the time I went to visit a golf course with my in-laws and a reeeeaaallly old guy got super pissed because his golf cart broke down and the course didn't immediately putter up with a suitable replacement count?

    And when I say mad, I mean red faced, out of control screaming mad. And I do believe he threw out a "I'M THIS IMPORTANT TITLE AND I WON'T STAND FOR THIS".

    Lulz.

    Keep up the funnies!

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  17. I went an entire summer in college and survived on a diet of Ramen noodles, rice, and beer. Not sure where the vitamin C came from, but I was scurvy free. Also money free. And sobriety free.

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  18. Bryan, dont kill me.
    I know one white people problem. A sex offender who lives less than a mile away wont rape him or his wife or his dog.

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  19. Wow $7.95 isn't even minimum wage anywhere in Canada!

    Unfortunately I have a sister (think marcy darcy from married with children) who lives in the largest sikh community in north america(largest community next to India itself), and does nothing but bitch about the neightbours from her prominently white, little gated townhouse complex.

    Needless to say, I'm not seen in public with her often.

    I could have sworn this story was about her today.

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  20. I've seen this a lot in bloggers: "life sucks because I quit my job to follow my dreams, but blogger hasn't been generating income. And while I wallow in my problems, let me party all night and get shit faced while people in seriously deplorable situations die from famine. Oh and not to mention, I don't know what to do with the degree I graduated college with. It's all the markets fault that I didn't opt for a viable solution!"

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  21. My WPP is that my valet trash hours are designated and I was fined for not obeying...then through a fit and had the charges reversed.

    Also, I need that hurking opposum/seal scarf

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  22. You has a great blog. I'm very like and interesting to stop here. Dont forget to give us your comment back at my blog here

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  23. Just found your blog! You're hysterical. Love it.

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  24. There is a white problem that occurs on a regular basis around where I live and other parts of the country as well.

    People are actually stupid enough to call the police and report that their weed had been stolen! Dumb shits!

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  25. Have you ever checked out the website http://whitewhine.com/ Its full of white world problems.

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  26. I've got white people problems all the time. My current one is how the hell am I going to save enough to put this little baby through college?

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  27. hi;arious! just chanced upon ur blogpost and this one reminded of the joke i had read long back.. dont remember the whole of it but went somewhat like this..
    i am so poor, i cant afford new uniform for my driver; cant go for the regular weekend lunches at a five star restaurant; can't afford a vacation in another continent

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  28. I don't even make a 10th of what they make...

    Though I feel very bad (no I don't) for laughing at the racism.

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  29. One of my bosses recently got into a screaming fit with a contractor. Seems the all glass and steel, ocean facing wall at their second home has a couple of leaks.

    WPP

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  30. Lol, I love the "Racist problem!" alert :)

    And, gosh, I once I actually saw a fully grown man (my neighbour) riding one of those exact kiddie bikes around the neighbourhood. It was... odd, to say the least. And that dude has like 4 expensive cars. Maybe it's his thing?

    This post reminded me of that awesome Twitter account, First World Pains. But I think it pales in comparison to White People Problems.

    I'm not white, nor am I surrounded by copius amounts of white people (a few, but not a lot), so I'm not sure if I have experienced this. I have, however, experienced the Rich Brat Problems. There are many people around here who are super fucking rich and spoiled as hell.

    So it's things like:
    "I hate how the mall with all the expensive cool stuff is so far away from the main city. Now I have to go to the mall with the normal brands"
    Here "expensive cool stuff" means all those high end European brands =___=

    Oh, and another Rich Brat Problem is the huge infestation of tweeny emos. Over the summer, when I was home, I noticed that the number of emos increased by bucketloads since last summer. WTF? You know what pisses me off the most is that their parents earn so much money (after sucking the blood off other employees), and these emos act like they are so "real" and only they know what human emotions are like. Well, yeh I'm sure smoking at the school bus stop and wearing your little sister's jeans makes you very "real".

    And you guys should totally drink one glass of lemon+water everyday for your vitamin C dose. Cheap and easy.

    Aaah, and Brandon's comment on my blog was a big pile of funny and awesome. Loved the advice. Though, not sure if I can go through the eons of abdominal pains to build up lactose tolerance. But I love milk too :(

    Yup, already backed up all my files. My warrantee is out, but I think I will just try to figure something out. Still not sure if I want to give into Steve Job's ghost or not.

    Oh, and I'm kinda sure which one of you comments each time. Because I can check the time stamp of the comment and cross check that with my stats to see if a visit came from Chicago or Colarado. But signing a name will make things easier. And yes, I know, I have the stalking skills of a potential serial kiler.

    Jesus mother flippin' christ, this comment is an essay.

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  31. Great examples. The white people problem is pretty much spot on. The sad thing is some of the corporate execs contemplate suicide when they go from millions to hundreds of thousands in income per year. Very sad indeed. I mean, there's all of these people happy with their lives making a meager $25k/year yet just because he can't afford a lambo or ferrari he just wants to end his life.

    Pretty lame, but you've got the right state of mind. Killer cartoons!

    blundersfrom6foot2.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm the assistant to the CEO of a small independant oil company (20 employees, we're in Kansas, nowhere fancy). My job is to fix his first world problems.

    I book his ridiculously finicky personal travel for dog shows. I even fulfill his obligations as a board member for his dog's AKC breed by hacking his email (at his request) and accepting/sending out show entrance forms and breeder paperwork.

    I've moved him from the Four Seasons to the Ritz at 11 pm from my home in Kansas because the beds at the FS weren't soft enough. I've moved him from the Ritz to the Holiday Inn at midnight hour because the cab ride from the Ritz to the meeting was too long.

    I assist his wife with "Tech Support", only to be cc'd on racist "church" emails she's sent out that thank me for my "help". One email began with "I hereby declare open season on muslims, 1,000 per day bag limit, juveniles and females allowed". Oustide of work I volunteer with anti-islamaphobia groups.

    I buy clay pigeons so that he and the Vice President can knock of at 3pm to practice shooting. I have to call his wife ahead of time to ensure that his shooting outfit is clean and ready.

    I can't tell these kinds of stories on my own blog, but gee, I'm glad you wrote about first world problems today so I could unload them all over yours.

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  33. I've heard this one:

    "My son is an idiot. We asked him to transfer some money from our American account to a foreign account. He was supposed to keep it in US$ and we would change it to the foreign currency later.

    The idiot checked the box to change it that day, which was at the lowest rate possible. A $0.05 difference in the rate cost us $3,000!"

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  34. I lost it at "Seek medical attention promptly!" hahaha, this one was too good.

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  35. Well I'll be damned...you made a post featuring my Mother.
    It wasn't heroin it was weed, although it might just as well of been the way she reacted. And the black baby turned out just fine.

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  36. White people do have problems! :P

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  37. Brandon, Bryan - please delete the previous comment. Some words missing.
    ~~~~~~~
    Happens everywhere. Hence, I would rather call it 'rich people problems'.

    Scene - Typically hot Indian summer. A conversation between a rich high-society lady and the slum dwelling house maid whose son does his homework under candle light (admittedly 10-15 years ago).

    Rich lady: The worst thing happened to us, yesterday. There was no electricity in our sector last night.

    Maid: It must have been hot. You might not have slept properly last night.

    Rich lady: We have a portable generator. The fans worked. So that was not the worst part. We were short on fuel. So we couldn't play the television. I missed my [insert typical indian soap opera] and now I don't know what plot [insert mother-in-law character] hatched against [insert daughter-in-law character].

    PS: Miss 30 episodes of a typical Indian soap (called a saas-bahu serial) and you wouldn't even realize you skipped anything.

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  38. I was halfway through this post before realizing the mustached man is holding a glass of liquor and not as I originally thought, a hot dog.

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  39. Third world white people problem: "I have to eat god damn chicken again?"

    Third world brown people problem: "You have died of dysentery."

    Excellent post. Well done with the black tar heroin baby pun. I'm kind of hoping more people picked up on that one than I think did.

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  40. Very cleaverly written! No matter what anyone says, there is not a HINT of racism in this. Pure genious! I laughed VERY HARD. Want some more white people problems? "I can't decide if I want to sign up for Hockey or Karate." "What time does Target close?"

    God bless ya for speaking the TRUTH, SON!

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  41. Your posts just keep getting better and better.

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  42. Sunday was a white people problems disaster for me. I couldn't find the Packers game streaming in HD on any of the sites I use that illegally provide links to NFL games.

    Then, HBO GO was having problems so I wasn't able to watch the two episodes of The Wire that I wanted to see. Now, I'll have to watch four today to stay on schedule.

    Why me?

    Jay

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  43. Thanks for the early evening chuckle.

    The only white person problems that I hear on a daily basis is when my managerial supervisors complain about not having a raise in two years.

    This in spite of the fact that they make on the average about two and a half times my yearly salary (about 100K).

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  44. "I can't get the radio call of the football game from the PC to sync up with the Direct TV."

    Wait, there's no nutrition in Ramen noodles? That explains a lot...

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  45. I've actually seen the loaned car problem before. Family, even. How sad is that?

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  46. Sad thing is doing menial work can be good for you! Give you time to process things as you keep your mind busy on simple tasks!

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  47. Heard this one coming from rich kids:

    I was upgrading my iPhone to iOS5 and it reverted to brick because I didn't upgrade my iTunes

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  48. a local scumbag politican recently mumbled curse words at my teller window because our computers were down and he couldn't deposit his numerous high dollar checks because he didn't know his own account number.

    ... and I just ate a 97 cent chicken pot pie for dinner. Yum. It was special. And slightly nutritional.

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  49. Another gem Bryan. Just goes to show you that everything is relative. I really wish people took into account their audience. I can't stop you from being a total stuck up asshat but at least know that I am damn near broke and struggling to make ends meet and go complain about money elsewhere! Some people deserve to be kicked in the taint and left in the ghetto with their furs on with the blacks and their black tar heroin (racist joke)...then we'd see if they reconsider what a real problem is.

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  50. you guys have been watching some chris rock dvds, haven't you?

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  51. My mom complains to her hubby if she's driving a car older than 3 years and starts car shopping the minute she finds out someone bought something newer than her. Then complains about not having enough money to do something. I do their taxes, they have enough, plenty more than me. Oh, and she complains to me when she can't find a size 3 or 5 jeans knowing I have been struggling with my weight for years. Not sure if these count as WPP on the level you are talking about but it's the only thing I can remember right now.

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  52. I wish my only problem in life was losing my 100 grand a year job and only being able to find one paying 60 grand. I was lucky to have found a job in a restaurant and that they gave us one staff meal for free and 50% off if we ordered something at the end of the night.

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  53. Rich white people problem-

    25 year old chick: "OMG, my parents want me to move back home because I haven't found a job after law school."

    Me: Eyes rolling; refraining from ass kicking little princes. Parents paid for 3 years of law school, two summer vacations abroad, rent, food, car payments & spending allowance all thru school plus 6 months of job hunting.

    REAL Problem: 100 grand in student loans, middle aged trying to break in to 2nd career, renting in one city and paying a mortgage for a home that won't sell in another city. In need of a reliable car, but unable to buy because of not long enough at current job, so much in debt can't afford car payment with high interest rate and need every penny to feast on ramen.

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  54. Times are so tough I've had to downgrade to catfish caviar!

    REDNECK PROBLEMS

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  55. Haha! I laughed out loud with this one. My husband and I were just talking about this. We call them "First World Problems" vs. "Third World Problems." No matter how bad it gets, we're not battling starvation or homelessness or serious diseases. Puts things in perspective!

    I've heard people talk about how their cut in salary will make it hard to pay the nanny. And I just don't know what to say to that one.

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  56. What? Ramen doesn't give you scurvy? :0 Seriously, I need to send this to my biological mother's side of the family.

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  57. Loved this - In my head when I read it I kept hearing the voices of the Millionaire couple from Gilligan's island talking - Thurston Howell...

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  58. White People Problems (credit to 'Friends')

    "My diamond shoes are too tight and my wallet is too small for my 50's!!!"

    Love it - well done!

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  59. The old-money infested place where I teach is filled to the brim with white-people problems. As a poor teacher, I'm fed up to the back teeth having to listen to 20-year-olds complaining about how they, again, couldn't find the right pair of boots they were so looking for. You know, the kind of boots that most people would have to work a week for (make that two). Boo-hoo-hoo no boots! And it's the same students who, the next time they show up in class, assure me that money isn't important. Can you fellas imagine?

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  60. Great read as usual. Interesting that there ain't that many white people around me now that I think about it. Seriously raise your own kids, don't ask a nanny then complain.

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  61. I love it when the people come into work (I work in a service station) and put $10 of fuel(which is about 5 litres, or about one gallon) into their big fancy Mercedes 4x4. It actually shows that it generally is all for show...

    The ones that come in and complain about the price of fuel,(while not gawking at the $200 fuel bill they have just raked up) while driving a thirsty V8 or bigger make me laugh too, And there are people out there who would give anything for an old beat up run about car!

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  62. Look at your awesome response to this awesome post! Too funny! Wait, you aren't some gangsta living in the hood?? Fooled me!
    The hubs and I always talk about "First world problems" so this is right up there with that. Ugg, the computer is dead and the charger is in the other room. First World Problems. And I like to sing it, like it is a theme song or something. I imagine your "White People Problems" as more of a superhero, think old Batman, sound effect. Right up there with Blam! and Pow!

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  63. I kinda sorta know a family whose family business recently went KAPOOF! due to the loans and credit card rent-not-paying and what not. But that still don't bring down the cost of their daily lunches, which for me are, like, party lunches.
    Honestly, this happens when people take their iPhones and iPads and 100mbps internet and rich cars for granted.
    Love the blog. Just a question: why doesn't Brandon post as much?

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  64. Funny comics :) Some people are really like this, fortunaly most of all are different :)

    http://thinkingincoffeebreak.blogspot.com/

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  65. My university is full of posh people (I'm aware complaining about my uni in itself is a white people problem) and I've generall heard both 'my daddy makes 120 grand a year, but because of taxes he only sees 90 of it. IT'S SO UNFAIR' also after the london student riots 'I don't see what the problem is, it's only 30 thousand' makes me feel poor :/also click on my blog!

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  66. I ran out of real mayonnaise the other day and had to use Miracle Whip on my turkey sandwich. It just isn't the same. Cheers!!

    Matt-Man

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  67. I was told that when I graduated college (which not many people in my family ever got around to) I would have the chance to go anywhere I wanted in the world for a vacation. When the time came my grandparents, who promised that, didn't mention anything of it. I found out it was due to the recession. Oh, and the fact they have to pay for their condos in London, San Diego, and Stratford Upon Avon. Instead I was stuck in the midwest paying off my student loans with a really low paying job.

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  68. "its like the nanny didnt even try to raise her properly"

    that last one was the kicker xD lol'ed hard

    good post dude.... good post... very entertaining :D

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  69. Dark humour at its best! Uncanny I wrote a post on how Indians hate to be abroad and yet are :) And yeah, I need to clean the house today :D

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  70. We really don't know when we're well off, do we? Couple of weeks ago, I had to turn off the water supply for a whole evening! Do you have any idea how many times I went to wash my hands and couldn't, having to slum it with hand gel? White people problem indeed!

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  71. There are WAY TOO MANY comments for me to read if anyone else read the one panel wrong and thought that you are "real people" (good nutritional value.)

    My 1st world problem (or white problem) is buying unscented fabric softener.

    That mail-spam is...well, it makes me feel bad.

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  72. there are already many good comments, I would just say your blog is very nice.

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  73. Lol! Hilarious post.
    I've noticed recently white people complaining about the cost of senior care for their parents living in a home. "It cost $100,000 a year to keep grandma in there. We don't know what we are going to do if she lives more then 5 more years."

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  74. How bout one straight from my own mom:

    "Your sister is talented enough to write a book about healthcare. You don't have to work in healthcare to know about it!"

    Sure. Glad I know. Now excuse me while I go do an appendectomy on the neighbor. I read how in a book.

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  75. My white people problem is that the silver spoon that I was born with has started to tarnish and it’s my servants annual hour off. The ungrateful lazy git won't spare the time to polish it for me....

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  76. No white people problems yet, just having fun. They are bountiful where I live though. Bountiful

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  77. Oh sweet lord....

    As you know, the place I work sucks ass.

    One of the girls there ALWAYS wins the raffles.

    her response every time she wins?

    "Oh, geez. I already have that. Why can't I win something else? God."

    Ungrateful bitch.

    Merrrgh.

    --JayDee

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  78. i dont think i know any white people with problems like that personally, i only know of the ones who do charity work and open work shops.... they genrally make me feel poor and selfish at the same time... must be a talent.

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  79. White people problems? That's pretty racist.

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  80. LaurenRitta: You must have the patience of a saint to keep that up.

    Another hilarious post. Cheers for reigniting my inner socialist.

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  81. Glad I stumbled by. I'm subscribing while the electricity is still on.

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  82. As I was reading this every time it said White Person Problem etc I heard it in a weird advertising voice. In fact I could see this as a comedy skit. Brilliant.

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  83. Perhaps "rich" white people problems?

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  84. BWHAHaHA, this is golden.

    I like the call out of "extremely racist problem"...

    But when it all clears away, and we boil down to the truth, who can't resist black tar heroin? I mean, really?

    /sarcasm font.

    StephanieC

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  85. So I googled white tar heroin and indeed you're right. It's definitely not a white person problem. White people can probably afford the purer, better acetylated stuff. And yes I used acetylated like I know what it means. Because my rich, private southern college taught me what it means. And that we don't do black tar heroin. We get the pure shit. Not that I've ever done heroin of any kind. Drugs are bad. I learned that at my expensive private school too. I should shut up now. (: But! I do sometimes take the bus to work. But only to save the environment.

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  86. I was pretty sure I was white, but after reading about all their problems, which I certainly do not have, perhaps I might be black... Maybe mixed race, who knows...

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  87. I grew up well-off without managing to be a bitch about it, you learn to appreciate that you are lucky that you are able to have the things you do when some people have so much less. However, it appears my younger brother never learned this lesson, or really how to be grateful at all. To put this line in perspective my parents gave my brother and I a beautiful '92 porsche 968 to share. Not only was he resentful of us sharing the car, but I once heard him remark to a friend: "ugh I hate that I actually have to bend down and manually lock and unlock the car door, it's so annoying." Now that is a white person problem.

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  88. So first world problems can also be called white people problems, very educational!

    I reckon I got a lot of them white people problems, only right now I can't remember any because they weren't that important in the first place.

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  89. Tooo effin funny!

    My rich, bigoted brother in-law just lost his job as Vice President of a Pharmeceudical company. I almost felt bad for him... until I remembered all his bitching and moaning about his tax dollars going to programs that, you know, help poor people.

    Oh, and the dude just bought a brand new BMW. Like, last week. To replace the one he bought last year. Meanwhile, my wife and I drive a 1994 Grannymobile that his wife's mother sold to us for $1,000 because our 2000 Oldmobile finally died after about 250,000 miles of loyal service.

    Lol...white people.

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