Thursday, October 27, 2011

Turning Tricks for Treats

            As a sometimes writer of horror stories, and a lover of the inventively macabre, it’s no surprise that Halloween has always been one of my favorite times of year. And even though Halloween’s origins are now as long-forgotten and mysterious to modern society as those of Christmas, I’m not choosy when it comes to rationalizing a carefree night of pub-crawls and wearing spandex tights.

            Which brings me to today’s topic: Halloween costumes of years past that, in retrospect, were much better in theory than in their actual execution.
            
            First up is the year of my uncanny Mel Gibson costume and impersonation.




And then there was the time I dressed up as The Trojan Man…




Of course, Bryan never lets me live down the year I was infatuated with Jersey Shore…

And most recently was last year, when I drew upon local Chicago inspiration and went as a South Side Blood gang member.
And I guess that just goes to show that while I love Halloween, I really do suck at choosing decent costumes. Which is why this year I’m sticking with the tried and true classics, and am dressing up as a magician. I don’t even need a costume, just a fresh cooler of beer. The night will be a guaranteed vanishing act of both the beer and my sobriety.

What are you all dressing up as for Hallowe’en?

Cheers,

-brandon

Beer: Stella Artois
Music: The Sounds
Book: Ham on Rye (Bukowski)

75 comments:

  1. Dang...I can't possibly be the first comment. It's the one comment that everyone will read. The pressure is too great. Kinda like the pressure to pick a killer costume. Me? I'm going as a stay at home Mom 'cuz that's just how I roll.

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  2. I'm going as a red-headed step child.
    I've already got the hair colour so all I need now is a black eye.....

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  3. The Gibson costume would still work. He's spookier than ever after those phone recordings. But it greatly reduces your chances of getting any lovin.
    I'm going as a child dressed as Batman. You take one of those child's costumes, cut it in half, and glue it to a regular t-shirt and old pair of pants.

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  4. A miserable shit who shouts at kids who knock on his door trick or treating.

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  5. Gangsta and Terroist, you need to wear a costume for that?
    Halloween such a pain. Cant appreciate Lady Gaga more. If for one day we stuggle so much think about her.
    And Jersey shore costume is real good. I prepare to go like the Karate kid.
    Pickleope - Please wear your underwear on top of your pants. else costume is no costume.

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  6. I probably won't dress up. I'll just turn the lights off and hide upstairs eating all the sweets. Just like any other day really.

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  7. I'm going as a corn-fed, beer guzzling white boy from Indiana. I never take my costume off!

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  8. damn you got the best costume ideas! I love the black face gangsta! Here is one you might appreciate

    Hipster Hitler holding a sign that says "Occupy Poland"

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  9. I seem to do a pretty good job at scaring kids without a special costume, so I'll just stick with what works.

    Regardless, I think the Mel Gibson Braveheart outfit would be great... you'd have the ladies swarming. Ladies love Mel Gibson. Just be sure to use his phrase and call them "Sugar Tits"...

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  10. I am dressing as a pinup cowgirl. We are heading to a street festival not too far from home called Moonfest.
    I actually saw a guy wearing the penis costume a Moonfest a couple of years back. I ended up feeling bad for him, people kept punching him as he walked down the street. I don't know why they all were angry. I chocked it up to penis envy :)

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  11. A viking princess!

    of course i look nothing in it like the model in the picture of the costume. I got it yesterday and it's big in some places but fits in some places. Everybody who saw the costume before i bought it exclaimed, "oooh sexy"...well they won't have the same reaction when they see me in it!

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  12. I knew a guy who donned a red bio-waste bag, smeared himself with vaseline and went out as "a clit". Everyone thought it was funny until he got drunk and started smearing vaseline all over everything as he stumbled around.

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  13. Halloween is new to me :) And funny bit, it is our anniversary, my husband had a field day at work telling people how he married a witch :D

    And gangsta ;)

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  14. I love the Trojan man one but I'm hoping my hubby doesn't use your idea for our Halloween party. lol! Right now, he's going as "Beer Man" and I have a barmaid costume.

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  15. I actually do know some of the origins of Christmas, just not really of Halloween so much. I won't be dressing up this year, and haven't done it in several years, but I do hope to do it again.

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  16. I tend to wait until the last minute to find a costume. I have an afro wig I pull out every year and pull a costume together. It never fails to get laughs when this pale white girl has on an afro.

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  17. Last year we sat on roof trusses in front of our burned out home and doled out candy. This year we get to answer a doorbell!!! I even bought full sized candy bars! Come to our neighborhood - the adults go out for "trick or beer" but usually not in costume especially not a penis costume...

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  18. I don't have anywhere to go on Halloween, and kids don't even trick or treat in my neighborhood.

    I gotta find a more fun place to live.

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  19. Black Cat. The ultimate lazy girl's costume. I understand the pressure though... (I just blogged about it myself!)

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  20. Omg, I'm reading this in my breakroom at work...I was laughing so hard and got some major weird looks. This. Is. Awesome. Xoxoxo.

    --jaydee

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  21. Hahaha, the giant penis and Jersey Shore costumes had me laughing. (I almost peed my pants, oops)

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  22. Hilarious. I needed a break from the hellish day of department wars. I love the Gangster and Terrorist costumes. University of Chicago is doing some campaign against racist costumes right now...cause you know, somethings are just not funny. Apparently.

    I'm doing a "post modern mad hatter." Or as I like to describe it a crazy person who is seriously allergic to matching ie. all the random stuff I never get to wear all at once, including a green top hat, a bright orange tutu and purple and black stripped tights and a flamingo purse. Its awesome.

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  23. The Braveheart costume is my favorite. As much of a douche as Mel is, I still love that movie. William Wallace is awesome. Mel . . . not so much. Those recordings of him in his steroid-induced, I-hate-women rage? Geesh. Disturbing!

    The Jersey Shore costume is pretty funny, too. Always nice to have a safeguard against zombies!

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  24. I should go as a zombie killer because it's like a two birds, one stone costume. Not only will I look festive but I'll be prepared for the Zombie-pocolypse. So ... joke's on them.

    -ash

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  25. Holy crap, orange make up isn't just good for oompa loompas, it's also awesome for bros! Went into a choking fit I laughed so hard, badass!

    But no. I'll be one of pac-man's ghosts.

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  26. I haven't actually thought about halloween yet. . .
    Oops.

    A friend of mine dressed up as Dr. Horrible once, which I thought was brilliant.

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  27. One year, my sister and I dressed up as buttsecks. She wore a ginormous wang costume and I paper-machéd a huge, round, dimply ass. Unfortunately, my ass was MUCH smaller than her wang proportionately, so I was constantly mistaken for the balls. Perhaps we'll pick up that concept again another year...

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  28. HAHAHA! "That is so damn racist" was hilarious.

    I just saw the "We're a culture, not a costume" bit this morning before reading your post.

    That deserved the STCAOMK (Spit-the-coffee-all-over-my-keyboard) moment of the day!

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  29. Can't have been easy walking in that dicksuit, Brandon. I mean, without trippin'... :)

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  30. Those are some great pics and costumes! Very fun to read!

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  31. Every year I say I'm going as a witch, but not dressing up. You do the math ;)

    Don't ask me why, but back in jr. high a friend and I went as cat hookers. I wish I could say I was making that up!

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  32. Ima stay home and watch scary movies as I trip out :D

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  33. I'm going as a Real Desperate Kardashian Housewife of Orlando Shore.

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  34. my boobs and i are going as elvira and her boobs.

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  35. In 2004 I went as a guy that just had a vasectomy. It looked a lot like me, with a bag of frozen peas on my junk. I attached a bungee cord to the door and when kids knocked, I opened it up and told them to take one and one only.

    In hindsight, I'm sure I'm on a list because of that.

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  37. A viking princess! Oh wait, I just read that in your comments, so it must be on my brain.

    So how did that blackface costume work out? Must of got you in all the good parties!

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  38. Bryan calling you a racist holding a bomb, sporting a beard and a headdress, oh, the irony :))

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  39. Dear the "Anarchist" Above

    You're a douche.

    Back on topic...

    Halloween is not that big in Australia, but shops are pushing for it, August release of Christmas stuff is a bit much. Even for them.

    Any time to dress up is a good time. My favourite costume would have to have been when I painted myself green, mullet wig, and called myself captain planet.

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  40. Safety first!!! A friend of mine was in the Vagina Monologues earlier this year as the angry vagina. I would have LOVED to see a giant penis in the audience.

    I, like Lost in Idaho, will be a mother hugging angry bird. I am not happy about it.

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  41. Yet another funny entry. Anything Mel Gibson gets a thumbs up from me. I think I have those nutty rant tapes of his memorized.

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  42. The best Halloween costume I ever had was when I put on a fake beard, a cap, strapped my boobs down and attached little legs to my torso. I then made a boat out of cardboard and attached it to me with suspenders so it looked like I was inside. I was the "Little Man in The Boat". :)

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  43. Had to cancel my trip/Halloween plans, I'll be working the whole weekend. Not going to complain, like a friend reminded me the other day, at least I have a job. ;)

    My favorite Halloween was when I dressed up as a Dominatrix. Not only did my friends get a kick out of it, but I had complete strangers coming up to me, asking to be whipped and spanked. I had a blast!

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  44. This is the first Halloween where I purchased a costume. It's kind of pirate-y. Also, kind of skanky.

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  45. Loved the Trojan Man costume.

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  46. Costume...the stuff fantasies are made of...very naughty fantasies ;)

    Hope everyone enjoys their Halloween!

    Yours,
    Anne

    PS. The email was clearly on the right. Did he even look?

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  47. Im going as a suburban looter.... and just so you know.... when I get to your house.... I really get into character!

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  48. @Anne Helm:

    So it is. Sorry about that. I've deleted my comment and I'll email instead.

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  49. LOL, Mel Gibson. I like how the sword blade just fell off and became a cross. Hilarious comics as usual.

    I should be Hipster Hitler this year.

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  50. Gotta love a good dickskin costume...there is at least one dick head every year. Most of the ones I have seen are also inflatable and come with that giant battery pack to keep the air pumping through it...I think it was located in the giant nut sacks surrounding their feet. Men and their penises! *shakes head*

    I am re-using my Goddess costume which prompted the kids I nanny for to tell me "You can come to the parade at school with Monkey...just maybe don't say hi to us". hahaha.

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  51. Trojan man could work if you had a little speaker that would announce you along with the horse whinny. http://www.hark.com/clips/vjmjgfmjyt-trojan-man

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  52. I feel like such a dick at laughing at the last two but I don't care.

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  53. Oh, you make me laugh out loud! I love the message on the shirts the most, I think. Well, that orange skin is pretty hot, too. I went to a Halloween party last weekend adn was a 60's girl with go-go boots. I know. Not very original. I was just trying to get my money's worth out of those shoes.

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  54. i'm at my desk laughing like an idiot.

    maybe THAT is what i'll be for Halloween... a laughing idiot at her desk. i have candy right here and everything! now i just need to find some beer...

    ;-D

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  55. No Halloween costume for this girl...I know, I know...lame...right? We never did Halloween when we were kids so honestly the whole process kind of overwhelms me. I hate having to figure out what I want to be and spending $ on creating the perfect costume....We had a girls night and watched Bridesmaids instead of donning the typical slutty costumes and spending the night obliviated.

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  56. Don't even know if I'll have time to celebrate Halloween this year, but if I do then I'll be going as flyboy from the original Dawn of the Dead. Pretty obscure, but the 0.5% that understand will love me.

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  57. In honor of the 'Girls must wear a slutty costume for Halloween' rule I'm buying a white t-shirt and ironing a picture of a rooster and a person's face sticking their tongue out at it. (:

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  58. I'm going as meself. I always love a good scare. :D

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  59. You're not the first person to make the Trojan-penis mistake.

    Me? I am going as a depressed, nerdy, Computer Science student. Everyone loves the ironic asshole who dresses as themselves.

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  60. The weather New York decided to become Winter for Halloween.

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  61. I like drinking beer in the shower

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  62. Just realized that brandon has chest hair and you don't.

    No manly points for you.

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  63. That's great! This year I just picked up one of those "knives through your head" props cuz, like you, I suck at picking costumes. My kids said I couldn't be a witch, "yet again". Psh. What's wrong with being yourself?!

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  64. I think I will go as a scary sexy teacher... oh no, wait... that's just normal for me.
    Maybe a zombie school girl. Woooo...

    You look kinda cute in the dicksuit. I could just eat you right up! ;-)

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  65. This blog post is great. I've been reading your blog posts regularly and I think they're great! Keep up the excellent work! Followed!

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  66. haha i love the jersey shore one as they are very scary and freaky. Wasn't inspired so I dressed up as a dust bunny...all in grey easy peasy

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  67. we don celebrate haloween in our part of the world but i've seen a lot in movies..
    loved the last one.. :)

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