Thursday, October 6, 2011

Bryan and the Sexually Confused Hawk

        Today's story is especially weird because it's 100% true. In fact, if I didn't have my digital camera along with me for the ride, I bet none of you bastards would believe me. Trust me, it sounds very made up.
         Yesterday morning I awoke, bright and early, to start another day of staring at a computer screen in my underwear. I wanted to open the third floor balcony door to let in some cool air, and as I stepped onto my tiny balcony, I saw two yellow eyes focus in on me.
          It was a hawk, sitting on my balcony's railing, only 2 feet away from me. If I had put out my hand, I could have touched him. Or had my hand clawed off. He was looking at me curiously, but he wasn't moving. Just watching me. Now that I was face to face with a large, dangerous bird of prey, I did what any senseless idiot would do.
          I grabbed my digital camera.


         This hawk (which I should mention, is bigger than my dog), had no interest in leaving my balcony. He just wanted to sit there and look at me. He seemed happy. Except when the cat walked by. Then he'd look at her like this...


          I've seen angry black girls that couldn't cop a stare like that. Anyways, I made sure the cat stayed FAR away from the balcony, before her fat little ass became his next meal.
         Afterwards, I went back to the computer and googled hawks to see what I could find about my new peeping tom of a friend... Imagine my surprise when I found a website that says you should never, I mean NEVER look them in the eyes. This means a test of dominance, and if they feel challenged, they'll fly in and peck your face off. Well, my face, dumb as it may be, was still intact, and I was looking him in the eyes constantly. And he was looking back at me. Quite happily.


         I kept going back out to see him. Soon, things got interesting. As in, suddenly his head starts jerking back and forth, like my cat does when she's hawking up a hairball (pun completely intended). The hawk pukes dead animal parts ALL over the balcony, and then just resumes looking at me.


What the fuck is this? A liver? A spleen?


       Oh! I think. It all makes sense now! He must be sick! I went back to the computer and searched for what may have been the dumbest thing I've ever entered into Google: "Can hawks puke?" Imagine my surprise, yet again, when I found that hawks don't puke, but they do regurgitate food like this for their newborn babies... or... when they're trying to display an act of courtship.
        That's right, the hawk was hitting on me. I don't know at what point during the hour long staring contest he finally decided he wanted to take me out to dinner and a movie, but the moment he did, he threw up a shitload of dead mice to win over my affections. I can only imagine that thought process...

















         Not the best way I've ever been asked out, but honestly, not the worst.
         After finding out this wonderful revelation, I went back out one more time to look at him. And then, as if this whole puking mouse parts all over my balcony thing wasn't enough, my new suitor had one last surprise left in store for me. Those of you who know about my asshole neighbors (See Meet the Neighbors! on the righthand side if you're unfamiliar with the jackassery I'm surrounded by on a daily basis) know that I live near some very stupid, very ignorant people. Namely, this guy.


          What does he have to do with this? Well, the hawk, after hanging out with me for 2+ hours, decided it was time to finally hit the road and fly back home.


        And so he hopped off of my balcony, flew to my asshole neighbor's balcony... and stopped to take the biggest, nastiest shit I've ever seen, all over the neighbor's new fancy deck furniture. I mean, it just exploded EVERYWHERE, like a damn paint bomb. And then... the hawk flew off. It was pure magic. Suddenly, I believe in karma. Think I'm making this up?







       To add to the hilarity, asshole neighbor and his asshole family are out of town, so the mess continues to sink in further and his house currently smells, literally, like shit. I can hardly wait until he gets home to see it. I imagine I'll know the very moment, because it'll probably be framed with a loud, girly shriek.
        And the moment it happens, I'm going to laugh myself into a state of mental retardation.
        What a fucking day.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Ridiculously happy
Beer: A 12 pack should do
Shower: Is that a pair of yellow eyes outside my bathroom window...?


100 comments:

  1. hahaha That hawk was REALLY into you. Not only he gave you the stare and offered his (delicious?) puke, but he knew exactly where to shit on.
    Let me tell you, that sounds like a stalker, he probably has a bunch of your stuff in his nest, like a bird-made vooodoo doll. Good luck man, you are going to end up fucking that hawk. Look at the bright side, your kids will probably be an awesome (or terrible) mixture of man and hawk.

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  2. I actually did a Falcon walk earlier this year at Ashford Castle in Galway. The birds are absolutely beautiful, but I can't imagine how creepy it must be to have one fall in love with you.

    Then again Bryan, it must just be your Animal Magnetism that won him over! (Sorry, terrible pun, but had to do it)

    letsjustrant.blogspot.com

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  3. You get hit on my birds too? I dont beleive this story. I guess you had taken a hawk as a pet and you had been training him for years just to make him puke and poop on your neighbour's furniture. I am calling PETA.

    Bad Bryan, Bad Mike.

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  4. You know you're getting blamed for the shitty mess on The McFriendly's deck, right? No way they're not blaming you... especially if this bird of prey keeps returning to your balcony to hurl up rabbit parts...
    Check out one of my hawk pix (hawk with rabbit):

    http://wizardpix.exposuremanager.com/scripts/expman.pl?rm=show_photo&photo_id=hawkwithrabbitf_54_1&dir=galleries/54/1&filesize=large

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  5. I had a hawk in my backyard a couple of weeks ago eating a fat rat. I don't know if I was more disturbed by the rat or the hawk. My neighbor likes to keep mattresses and other assorted furniture items in a pile in her backyard. If you ask her about it, she says "I send to Haiti!"
    The problem is, the prized furniture has been sitting out there for going on two year now and I am sure must house several large families of rats. I love my neighborHood...

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  6. I was going to suggest setting him on your neighbours and then that awesome happened. This hawk really gets you, I think you should consider it. He (or she) clearly has your best interests at heart.

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  7. It's your animal magnetism (sorry) but I get this from 13 ducks in the backyard and they're not gentle.

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  8. Wow this is really coool. Got to read all the text later, just woke up. Loved the hawk pictures.

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  9. Oh wow! You were right, it did seem a bit made up. Thank God for modern electronics! I read all your entries on your neighbors and even I'm happy that this happened to them. Imagine how much more happier you are right now. Thanks for this entry. I'm not having a oh-so-good week but this made me feel a little better. Thanks again.

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  10. DAMN YOU for actually making me repeat "Mike Hawk" six times fast. I didn't actually get it until my dad stared at me.

    And this post is hilarious. Great job.

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  11. That hawk is off his rocker!!
    Does he not know how dangerous YOU are?!
    That hawk is definitely coming back for more Bryan love.

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  12. Mike Hawk, classic. I too didn't get it the first time and had to say it out loud.

    Good times.

    Incidentally, I had two ducks outside my back door today. Random, it deserved bread.

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  13. well apparently you are attractive to non human creatures. you sexy bastard you...lol.

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  14. I'm an Auburn fan and every time the eagle flies around the stadium before a game I think he is about to claw someone's face off.

    Great blog today! I'm not sure why I'm comfortable writing 'great blog' on a blog about puke and poop but there ya go.

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  15. How hawkward that was....that's all I got! But I like that he actually flew off to poop somewhere else. Good birdie!

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  16. This was a masterpiece indeed :)

    This is quite weird, the hawk wasn't scared and in fact showed some signs of LOU for you :)

    I am happy with what he did to the neighbours :D


    #_#
    1955-2011

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  17. You just killed me. I died of awesome.

    I hope you're fucking happy.

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  18. omfg, that last drawing is probably my favourite.

    Also, cool story bro. I can't believe that actually happened! AT least the hawk didn't make dinner out of your kitty.

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  19. Oh my god! The ending is just classic. ROFL
    If knowing where to shit isn't love, then nothing is. You might soon need to find new jackass neighbors. Don't think stalker Mike would be very good at handling a rejection.

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  20. YOu know how I feel about stupid comments, but I'm about to make one.

    I'm SERIOUSLY having the worst day on record.

    But THIS was so FUCKING funny, I'm sitting in the airport, laughing like a damned mental patient. People are watching me wipe tears off of my face...and the lady seated next to me just got up and moved.

    Good job, buddy. Good job.

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  21. Wow, this is an amazing post, and yes, I was quite surprised when I saw it for the first time, so I did that same google search too.

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  22. Wow, I've never thought of the vomiting/courtship angle. That would've been useful information to have in college. "Honey, I'm not wasted. I'm throwing up all over your shit because I'm hitting on you."

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  23. I liked that, and you are right with out pictures it would not have been believed.

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  24. This is THE funniest thing I've read all week! The pictures on the deck - priceless!

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  25. And you just strung him him along for two hours. That's cold man. You should have at the least suggest the hawk try internet dating.

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  26. Same thing happened to me! My (now) husband puked up six or seven did mouse spleens and I was totally smitten - we married as soon as he finished crapping on the neighbors patio.

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  27. Hahaha! You're right, that's so unbelievable! Maybe it liked how bold you were to look it in the eyes! :P

    http://www.pablosangel.blogspot.com/

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  28. Oh Jesus Christ can I just tell you how much I LOVE this blog?? I sit here at work, reading it to avoid complete insanity and conversely make everyone think I'm insane because I can't stop laughing at how funny you guys are. Keep it up!

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  29. Thanks for the laugh. This is a new one for me, a hawk hitting on a human. I wonder if she wanted to take you back to her nest afterwards? Wahoo!

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  30. This post is...freaking awesome. Not only are those some amazing photos but that hawk is a legend for that massive dump. (I'm a little concerned over how excited I am about the size of that crap...)

    If it wasn't a wild animal you should train it to do that periodically - meaning every second day. (The pooping rather than the regurgitation.)

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  31. Man, the crazy hawk sex could have been AWESOME! Also, karma is beautiful isn't it? I think the funniest part was seeing that mess there. It's just beautiful, man. Beautiful.

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  32. Yesterday morning I awoke, bright and early, to start another day of staring at a computer screen in my underwear
    First off why was the computer screen wearing your underwear? Which begs the next question were you sitting there as nature intended - in truth I really don’t want to know or even think about the answer to that second question – so let’s pretend I never typed it….However I am still slightly intrigued but let’s get this perfectly clear, not the point of arousal, at the thought of your computer in your underwear….Is that wrong?

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  33. Awesome story. The exploding poop part makes me laugh as I reminisce about it whimsically now.
    I too vomit as a part of the courtship process. I also drunkenly pee down stairs (true story of one of the first nights I spent with my now wife).
    Your Mynx entry by the way is incredible. Ape-boobs? Dare I say genius?

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  34. You should feel flattered. Your attractiveness extends beyond the very boundaries of biological genus.

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  35. You're right, without the pictures I wouldn't have believed you. This is, like, the coolest thing ever. You're so lucky! Sounds like your neighbor got what was coming to him. :)

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  36. OK, seeing the entrails made me feel sick, but otherwise thank you for the nearly-wetting-myself laughs I so badly needed this morning! WTF! You talk about confused...and I love how he targeted your asshole neighbors. He was merely an agent of karma, methinks.

    PS I'm very glad humans don't have the same mating dance.

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  37. Ohmyjeebus...this may be the best story ever.

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  38. The intense stare from the hawk had me in stitches.

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  39. Shame on you for rejecting his gift of love like that.

    Somewhere there is a hawk putting on black eyeliner and writing emo poetry in his nest.

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  40. Amazing.
    And funny as ever. A few years ago I used to have to change trains on the way to work at a station that was always full of crows. If I sat on the bench at the far end of the station there was one (I swear it was the same one - because it always was just one) that would sit on the back of the bench and share my sandwiches with me.
    It never puked though - guess I'm just not that attractive.

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  41. This story is all kinds of awesome!!! From pretty birds to showings of love to the best way to stick it to your neighbors. It had me in tears (the good kind).

    Are you some sort of animal whisperer or something? First you were raped by Bun Bun, now you have a hawk in love with you (poor Meli, she even got a black eye out of it)... Can't wait to find out what comes next... :giggles:

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  43. In Bird terms, that Hawk has got some serious game :)
    First he shows up in your Balcony (like the Romeo to your Juliet) and proceeds to give you the look. Such confidence. I bet plenty She-Hawks split their feathers when they got hooked on the eye contact. He proceeds to demonstrate higher value by puking up meat like "Yeah sweetie, I can bring home the Bacon if you know what I mean" (who said Chivalry is dead?)
    And then he does the very thing you've been putting off for months...
    Takes a giant shit on your douchebag neighbour's place. The Bird's got Bigger Balls than Hugh Jackman!

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  44. Best post ever. It looks like a gallbladder and a stomach in the photo. I love this and wish it had happened to me. I've never gotten a pic of a hawk that close up and would cut off my left tit just to get a chance Fabulous.

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  45. Haha, awesome story. I wonder what eHarmony would say about the compatibility of you and the hawk.

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  46. I'd highly recommend filing this post under the best of abfts. I hate to be one of those comments that says ROFL! GR8 POST! but I could barely keep my dinner in mouth as I read.

    I think we've all had odd experiences with animals, although I don't think anything that has happened to me could top that.

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  47. dude!!! that is AWESOME! train that falcon to do your bindings, like send messages, fuck texting send the bird with a message on his ankle. fuck yeah

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  48. You so would have actual pictures of that. HILARIOUS! This post literally had me laughing out loud. Not that old lol crap. Karma hawk will hunt you down. Now that needs to be a T Shirt!
    TexaGermaFinlaNadian

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  49. The fact that a hawk is just chillin on your balcony is awesome! It's even more awesome that it puked an offering of courtship at your feet! And then it's shits massively on the neighbors balcony...ridiculously awesome!

    And this post is insanely awesome! Everyone has to read this!

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  50. It was clearly love and he knew you from the inside...that really WAS the biggest, nastiest bird shit I have ever seen! Well done, Mr. Hawk!

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  51. True stories make the best stories, and this is the best thing I've read in awhile.

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  52. So... have you ever had a beak-job?

    And if the hawk is in love with you, train it to attack your neighbors. You know you love this idea...

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  53. There was this time I was helping catch an escaped emu, and it dropped a water balloon. Well, whatever it dropped exploded like a water balloon. A large water balloon. I'm not sure what kind of reflexes I have, but I jumped away fast enough not to catch any of the splash unlike the 3 other guys there.

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  54. hahaha, I love hawks, and this is such a great story! We have a neighborhood hawk who likes to hang out in the tree outside and watch things, like a hawk. My cat likes to stare at him, but I had no idea you're not to make eye contact with them. Interesting.

    Seems like you have a new best friend, a hawk buddy!

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  55. Oh, PS, I would love it if you wanted to do an illustration for my zine! It would totally make my year :)

    http://thetsaritsasez.com/p/zine.html

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  56. Well...I've never met someone who had a hawk admirer before. I do know this one plumber who has a thing for racoons...

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  57. Love it. Justice was had with the neighbor hun??

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  58. Imagine how heartwarming it would be if the hawk would revisit the neighbor's balcony every day?

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  59. That is equally really cool and really creepy. I've been hit on by some special guys that I consider animals but never by an actual animal. That is a new level of sexy I'm afraid to ever face in real life...you even turn on birds. Impressive!

    As for the explosive shitting...holy cow that is a LOT of crap! I laughed my ass off when I saw the pictures...the douche deserves it!

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  60. I've never had any animals hit on *me*. . . :(

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  61. Sure the hawk wasn't there just to score some meth?

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  62. That is the most incredible lucky anyone can have. A hawk that close for that long? Letting you take pictures. OMG. I'm so jealous. We have hawks here but never that close. Great post! And I love the neighbors surprise!! They so deserve it.

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  63. omg i was laughing my ass off at this. my husband was asking me what was wrong with me, lol...you are out of control. i love your blog.

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  64. Holy awesome! That's the sweetest (true)story I've ever heard! Is this some kind of revelation from the gods?! Wow, even if it weren't true, which, of course it is, you probably couldn't make that up. hahahahaha.

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  65. Haha thanks for making my evening better with this story! Gotta love it when asshole neighbors get what they have commin' and you didn't even have to do it.

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  66. Animal parts? Wow that's pretty gross. I guess it serves them right for not evolving teeth. Although I can't imagine a teethy bird.

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  67. what a thing of beauty! damn, impressive. those talons, those eyes, the Pat Riley expression.

    your a lucky man

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  68. Shit, Bryan (no pun intended), that's the funniest story I've ever heard. Well, let's just say that the bird has good taste: he hit on you and crapped on your neighbor's furniture.

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  69. That bird is gorgeous! I am a bit of a nature freak, and it would be so lovely to have a hawk visit me on my balcony. But not at all in a creepy romantic way.

    Hey, maybe he was hitting on your cat?

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  70. That is a massive shit! I can't even do ones that big. Even with my vegetable curry addiction.

    Kudos Mr Hawk.

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  71. What a sweet story...It's like Brokeback Nesting. Cheers!!

    Matt-Man

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  72. Ida made slow.....sweet love to that bird. Right in its egg layer.....mmmmm

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  73. He dumped like half of his body weight on that balcony XD

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  74. In the words of the great Gary Larson, "Birds of Prey know they're cool."

    Obviously, when your new friend saw that you were unswayed by his "gifts," he upped the ante and tried to win your affections by poo-bombing the neighbors.

    Hey, I wonder if that was a boy-hawk or a girl-hawk? Cuz you could go back in the house all cocky, like, "The chicks can't stay away from me!" Of course if it's a boy-hawk, it's best to say nothing and pretend it never happened. Or the hawk was drunk.

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  75. Oh god that is fucking awesome. Additional respect for hawks.

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  76. You may want to start checking out Craig's List for their 'Missed Connections.' Look for phrases like, "made eye contact across a span of 2-feet with an attractive bed-headed anthropoid", "hinted at my ability to provide for our young by vomiting random rodent parts at his feet", and "showed him that I could be supportive by taking a massively rank hawk shit all over his douche-bag neighbor's porch."

    Rachael
    www.damnitwoman.blogspot.com

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  77. I go to a pretty strict Seminary College in Northern Missouri... I read this while sitting in my Ethic's class... I laughed so hard I about pissed my pants. My teacher was not pleased... But it was worth it.

    Thank you sir! You got yourself a follower.

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  78. So this is what Rick Santorum was warning us about when he said allowing gay marriage will lead to humans and animals getting married.

    Jay

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  79. LMFO! (yep, laughing my face off). omg I have experienced the worst hour of this wretched work week and I thought.."hmm, lemme see what these guys are up to today, maybe that will help." thank you for curing my afternoon bitch and p.s. that was absolutely a human kidney presented as a gift on your balcony.

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  80. also, you're welcome. I just read your comments and I am sorry. I will continue to be as entertaining as possible.

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  81. haha karma is a bitch!

    i remember driving around at night and seeing an owl in a neighborhood tree right next to my mailbox. Just watching me haha

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  82. That was one epic death stare! The hawk probably thought your cat was trying to make a move, too... I'd keep the cat inside for a while. You never know what lengths a jealous raptor will go to.

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  83. haha! mike hunt.

    sorry, what were talking about again?

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  84. OMG--that is the funniest fehkin' story I've read in a looong time! Yep, I'd say there's good karma floating around you, Bryan.

    Oh, and A+ for the title, too.

    We have a hawk that hangs behind the house. He stares me down from a tree branch. But he's never made it to the deck. I hope it stays that way! (Sheesh, what mess they make.) ;)

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  85. That was completely AWESOME! I don't even want to know what body parts "Mike" had regurgitated. It must have smelled horribly!!

    When I was a kid, my dad had a cat that kind of adopted him. No joke. We lived in the country, and the cat would bring my dad food every morning. It would lay a few dead mice in a neat line for him.

    Now, if you start finding increasing amounts of bird shit on your balcony, you'll know that he's moved on. Or that his wife has found out. And trust me, there's nothing worse than pissing off Mike Hawk's wife.

    hehe! That really doesn't get old

    :)

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  86. Wow xD Is that really TRUE? IF so you must be placed in the guiness world records in umm .... some funny category!

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  87. Just discovered this, awesome blog, so easy to read and VERY entertaining. Can't wait for more!

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  88. well....being your only penguin follower i don't quite know if i should be jealous or take it as a challenge to my manhood...and our love. fuck that bird you're all mine!!!!

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  89. hahahaha, funny shit!

    and you mean to tell me it's a "senseless idiot thing" grabbing the camera...... ah, now my life makes sense! seriously funny, all the more so being real!

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  90. This is my favorite post Ive read of yours.... so now just repeat its format over and over if you would... key ingredients include mental bestiality, defiling patio furniture, and organ vomit.... Thanks

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  91. And cue the applause. This is without a doubt, your finest hour. Well done ... well done.

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  92. Today really sucked. This post made it all better.

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  93. This was hilarious. Thanks for the laughter. Unbelievable.

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  94. This post just made me laugh so hard!! loved the actual photos, it made my day! I always look forward to seeing posts from you two :)

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  95. This, seriously, was the funniest thing I have read in a great while. Good job! And PS - Maybe your hawk friend had a virus?

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  96. hahahahahahahahaha....no, I can't stop laughing now! My dinner alone at home has turned into a solo laughing session :D

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  97. That is definitely the most bad ass shit I've read all day.

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