Monday, October 17, 2011

The 4 Things I Learned in Chicago

              So I’m still in Chicago, scheduled to head back tonight, and so far I’ve been having a blast. I’ve seen yelling on the subway, coming from a feisty black woman who exercised her first amendment right because, according to her, “I am not incarcerated at this time.” I saw a fat old woman try to waddle out of a high end department store carrying a black trash bag full of clothes (how did that plan not work?). I’ve been challenged to a rap battle by a homeless looking, out-of-work “independent artist,” as he called himself between tokes.
               I’ve learned a lot while I’ve been here. So has Brandon. And so we present to you…

               The 4 Things We Learned About Chicago

#1: 90% of the black women look like Precious… and they like-a the white meat.







#2: Don’t make eye contact on the subway. It almost always triggers a Fuck or Fight type of response.

















#3: It takes a resourceful, intelligent, and innovative mind… if you’re going to be homeless. Rather than wheel around pop cans and copper wiring, these pioneers of the street fill their shopping carts to the brim with supplies and materials that help them survive the harshest of winters.








#4: This neighborhood is full of hipsters. I’ve never seen so much flannel, greasy hair, and big, stupid plastic glasses in my life. Hell, even the bartenders are hipsters.













And now, regretfully, I head back to Colorado.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
B&B

Beer: Skinny Pete's "hard lemonade"
Music: The Kooks

72 comments:

  1. I am now too traumatized to ever go to Chicago..... Ever!

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  2. You may be desperate enough to drink the homebrew but for Gawd's sake, don't eat the fudge!

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  3. Ok, No.3 was a bit gross and what's PBR?

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  4. It's amazing the type of people you see in public! That could be why I never go anywhere!

    Poop does make for good insulation!

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  5. That chick totally stole my hair style! I'm thinking about going purple too, but I dont know if I can pull it off...

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  6. Are hipsters the same as the dickheads we have in the UK? This is my understanding of hipsters/dickheads. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_5uVdy5YmA

    I have no idea about these things because I'm so uncool. Which kind of makes me cool right? No? Oh man I'm so confused.

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  7. Hipsters and Precious, eh? Think I'll pass...

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  8. I'm going to have to remember the poop house trick. I've also learnt a lot about Chicago here, I really thought it was better than this. At least you were with a buddy so it wasn't so bad.

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  9. I'm never going there...that's all I need to know.

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  10. I'm never going there, that's all I need to know.

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  11. This is great. I'm convinced hipsters are trying to take over. They're everywhere. Then again, I live in the NY/NJ area so we're probably to blame.

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  12. Fucking hipsters. That's who you should be using the mace on.

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  14. really? you can not make an eye contact? that was not very amusing :(

    but i like how you show eye contact by zooming the faces :D

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  15. That eye contact thing.. That's not just for Chicago. Man have I ever made the wrong eye contact with someone.

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  16. bahahahahahahahaha, omg you just keep getting funnier and funnier...by far my favorite blog to read.

    love,

    JD

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  17. I met Precious when she was dancing in a strip club once. If you wanted a lap dance from her it was $10. If you didn't want one it cost $20.

    Jay

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  18. You just made lemonade come out of my nose.

    Great pics, great post.

    Safe travels home!

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  19. The raisins line killed me. Why must I love poo humor so much!?! I don't think the eye contact thing is unique to Chicago. It seems this phenomenon occurs whenever people are stuffed into a metal tube and sent hurtling through a city. I'm off to get me a sip of that precious mocha.

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  20. I love being a Canadian, especially because we're spared certain imported horrors from the States. I do believe PBR is one of them, as I know a few hipsters but have never seen PBR in my life.

    In fact I just Google'd PBR and Canada, and apparently that's just Professional Bull Riding in the Great White North.

    Feel free to come visit if you want an escape. We're very friendly!

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  21. I can just imagine the sound of the rape whistle getting weaker and weaker as precious gobbles you up...

    Home brew does actually sound interesting. Always wanted to get a "keg-o-rater".

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  22. Ha. You are sick and demented. "A quick snack" I gagged. Loved it! Ya'll stay safe in those mean, Chicago street. Or at least get some fake glasses, don't shower and start cutting yourself to fit in at the bar.

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  23. I have never ever been so hard up that I felt like I could drink PBR. You boys reached a level of desperation I've only seen in red-faced rednecks after a day on the tractor (only these fellas are usually too dumb to know they have reached such despair and think they drink PBR by choice not destiny). I feel for you both. **Oh! And congrats on getting out of Chicago without a fight or being raped!**

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  24. Bet you got shit-housed there...... literally!!

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  25. But poop does make for great insulation. But let's face it, the dude that made his own home is probably still working more than her baby's daddy. Just sayin.

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  26. The hipsters' fake plastic glasses are a kick in the face to all of us who are actually blind without them.

    Those hipsters. Grr.

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  27. hmm im looking forward to drinking my buddies beer tonite.

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  28. Damn, that image of you getting eaten by Precious is downright disturbing O___O

    Is Chicago really that bad? :(

    And does Brandon live in a hipster-infested area? =O Goddammit, they're everywhere. Anyway, being a hipster is too mainstream nowadays. Now THAT is proper irony.

    Oh, and yayyy for The Kooks :D

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  29. No wonder the subways are so dirty... and hipster bartenders are the worst.

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  30. Did you at least go up in the tower formally known as Sears?

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  31. I always thought that Brandon is the one who talks a a lot about crap. You visited him and now this post - Brandon to be quarantined for sure, never thought that he could be so contagious.
    The week you came here, I travelled south and hmm, I wasnt so thrilled.
    Somehow I may need to agree with Precious and the percentage statistics.
    Which part of Chicago does Brandon live in? doesnt sound like proper Chicago but a 100% ghetto.
    I love Chicago than any other city. :)

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  32. I knew a guy named Precious and it's amazing...he looked just like that.
    I agree, a glass of piss probably would taste better than PBR.

    Always a laugh :)

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  33. As usual the last slide got me in stitches :)

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  34. Sounds like the trip was educational for you. Plus it filled your disgusting quota for the next year.

    I was at a Denny's once when a woman used her first amendment right. She said, and I quote, "Southern California isn't ready for my blackness to come out."

    Love your posts!

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  35. I was in Chicago last winter. The taxi people were beyond scary, and one even told us he was going to do something illegal. What it was, I didn't want to know. I only prayed I made it to my destination alive.

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  36. I don't know man. I think you should go back there, take a camera with you and shoot the reality show "B&B make Chicago". It has potential. Come on, if Jersey Shore made it, B&B should make it big too.

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  37. Ya...don't think I'll be going to Chicago anytime soon.

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  38. Chicago sounds an awful lot like Baltimore. I think I know that homeless guy.

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  39. Piss is almost the same as PBR, coors, bud, and mgd. When i was drinking it was all about the dark ales and occasionally a few fat tires. I used to really like them, they had a roasty, toasty, and oh so delishiosy (delish - e- o - c) taste to them. Hey are you guys on the twitters? @Penguin_Gazette. find me if you are.

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  40. PBR is just like drinking piss so this was very appropriate!! Great post guys. As usual! Colorado vs. Chicago. I bet you can't wait to get home to the mountains.

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  41. Meh, Chicago is for babies. If you wanna see some crazy crackers and crackheads, give Philly a try. And remember: when riding public transportation, make sure you always pretend you have something really interesting on the top of your shoe. Really interesting. Don't take your eyes off it!

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  42. These are all the reasons why I stay away from cities. The one thing you can't avoid anymore are the feckin' hipsters. Shit, they're all over the internet yakking about how in they are by being obscure. They don't even qualify as hip according to their own definiation anymore. Before you leave you should slap the shit out of just one of 'em.

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  43. I don't know what's more horrifying; a poophouse or the fact that I find poop jokes intolerably hilarious! I'm a 5 year old boy.

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  44. "I’ve never seen so much flannel, greasy hair, and big, stupid plastic glasses in my life."

    You haven't been to Portland, have you? A few months ago, Mr. RK asked me if I would rather live next door to hipsters or neocons. I told him it was a toss-up

    And I must use "fuck or flight" in a sentence soon!

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  45. Well I thought I would like to see Chicago but maybe I will cross that off my list.
    Great post as always guys. Loved it

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  46. Just found this blog- I love it. So hilarious. Definitely made my day! Thank you.

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  47. The Precious bit made me cry with laughter! I've been witness to that scene. Lord forbid you are attached to the object of her desire because that look of "I'm gonna eat you" isn't reserved for just Q-Tips

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  49. Hipster central you say? Looks like I have no need to ever go to Colorado now. Thanks for the heads up.

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  50. I will keep these in mind the next time I am in Chicago.

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  51. I'm amazed how similar Chicago is to Southend-on-Sea, England. Seems hipsters are like a plague infesting all corners of the globe. We don't have PBR here, but we have Carling, which is essentially urine as well, but from an Englishman's bladder. I tend to use a similar saying to 'fuck or flight' - 'I don't know whether to fuck it or fight it'. And while we don't have a metro system, the buses are just as bad. Plus you've got your face getting tickled by the bearded old ladies who are crammed into the seat next to you.

    At least you've left Chicago!

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  52. You can always count on Brandon to take you to the best places and show you a good time. Somehow, this is not how I remember Chicago. But it's been three long years. And I guess I wasn't traveling in the right circles.

    Ha! We know you had a great time in Chi-town, Bryan. How can you resist Precious? :)

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  53. Hey, a poop house seems pretty inventive. It will be great for the cooler months...don't ask how I know this.

    That guy, however, looks like Voldemort and Gandalf had a love child.

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  54. When I was in Afghanistan not only do they build with shit, they burn it for warmth and cooking too.

    You haven't lived until you've had a cup of tea that has been warmed by donkey shit.

    Ah good times.

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  55. (I'm kind of glad my Chicago Adventures consist of mostly getting hit on by bell boys and cab drivers, and drunk douche bags in hotel bars.)

    Alright; Dumb Comment Away!

    You called them pop cans.
    And that makes me SOOOOOO happy.

    Jen

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  56. Oh hipsters If you where on fire I wouldn't piss on you to help put it out.

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  57. hello thar.
    I do enjoy the blog which you two have created, at times i get confused as to who is who, who wrote what and whats going on. but thats all part of the humour thing. so its all good. I have laughed at you, with you and then shudered cause i got grossed out. Its cool though, you know why? cause you guys rock.
    From Nomel, pronounced (No-mel or Normal...)

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  58. i've been to chicago too but I haven't experience the eye contact thing in the subway haha! that was funny and creepy at the same time!
    LMAO poophouse!! still loving your blog

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  59. I love making eye contact with strangers. For a basement dweller like me, a little unintentional eye-to-eye is like making out. Close enough.

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  60. I always get that eye contact problem everywhere. People stand in front of a massive map, and seem to think you are a demented rapist for looking in their general direction.

    Yet to come across a full blown 'hipster' I suppose I can count myself lucky.

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  61. Disturbing on many many levels.

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  62. Hahaha! This was hilarious. Truly, truly funny stuff. I laughed out loud in many places. Mt. Precious, poophouse, drinking kerosene...

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  63. You boys crack me up. I grew up in Barbados and my Dad's nickname was Q-tip because of his white hair, skinny frame and white sneakers...so you had me laughing out loud from the get go with this one. (Cheeky comment on my blog by the way. A Beer for the Shower should do a guest post on Skip to Malou* to shake things up a bit) xxx

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  64. Feces as Cement O.O I don't mind the world ending TODAY.

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  65. Never make eye contact with anyone, anywhere in major city or bar unless you want to fight or fuck, good rule for everyone.

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  66. Hahahahaha! You're both insane.

    P.S. I LOVE Chicago

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  67. How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ... It's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.

    -ash

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  68. haha that was very good, I actually missed reading the blog of you guys.

    The bf is just back form Chicago and he is still traumatised from nearly getting killed in a so called ghetto, they took a wrong turn...ahem...people seem to love the irish tho.

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