Things We've Learned at the Bar #22

Happy Friday, folks. Since the weekend is nigh, and our attention spans are shot to hell, Bryan and I are going to be offering up another bit of barroom wisdom we’ve picked up in the course of our travels.

We’ve been to too many public houses, and have seen the full spectrum of quality, ranging from ritzy chic all the way down to “Hey, is that a turd floating in my gin and tonic?” And so we present to you Things We’ve Learned at the Bar #22: How to Gauge the Underlying Shittiness of a Bar. I know, I know, this one seems a little too obvious, but below we’ve listed a few subtle factors you might not otherwise notice until it’s already too late.  

#1: If the rest of the bar has no security cameras, why is there one in the bathroom stall? If I have to spell this one out for you, there’s really no point in reading on. It’d probably take you all day.

#2: Never buy drinks from a bartender who even remotely resembles Carlos Mencia. Chances are it probably is Mr. Mencia, working his second job. And on top of having to listen to him bray like a racist accordion while you sip your beer, the drink you order always arrives half-finished, stolen from another customer.

#3: (This one’s for the gentlemen, and especially true in Las Vegas) If you don’t have the panty-melting looks of a male model, beware of any bar in which more than twelve attractive women flirt with you. That is of course unless you usually pay for sex…or happen to be an avid collector of venereal diseases.

              #4 If there are too many men there and no women, you may have walked into the wrong bar. Leave quickly and don't make eye contact, unless you want to get date-raped.

            #5. Beware of hole-in-the-walls. Sometimes they might have great beers and great prices, but other times, well, they might be out in the middle of nowhere for a reason.

There you have it. Use our tips, and you won't ever be recorded while you poop, solicited by a prostitute, date raped by men, forced into a shotgun wedding with a balding pig monster, and most importantly, you won't have to ever talk to Carlos Mencia.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,

-Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Honker’s Ale

Music: Tom Petty