Friday, September 2, 2011

Things We've Learned at the Bar #22

Happy Friday, folks. Since the weekend is nigh, and our attention spans are shot to hell, Bryan and I are going to be offering up another bit of barroom wisdom we’ve picked up in the course of our travels.
We’ve been to too many public houses, and have seen the full spectrum of quality, ranging from ritzy chic all the way down to “Hey, is that a turd floating in my gin and tonic?” And so we present to you Things We’ve Learned at the Bar #22: How to Gauge the Underlying Shittiness of a Bar. I know, I know, this one seems a little too obvious, but below we’ve listed a few subtle factors you might not otherwise notice until it’s already too late.  

#1: If the rest of the bar has no security cameras, why is there one in the bathroom stall? If I have to spell this one out for you, there’s really no point in reading on. It’d probably take you all day.



#2: Never buy drinks from a bartender who even remotely resembles Carlos Mencia. Chances are it probably is Mr. Mencia, working his second job. And on top of having to listen to him bray like a racist accordion while you sip your beer, the drink you order always arrives half-finished, stolen from another customer.


#3: (This one’s for the gentlemen, and especially true in Las Vegas) If you don’t have the panty-melting looks of a male model, beware of any bar in which more than twelve attractive women flirt with you. That is of course unless you usually pay for sex…or happen to be an avid collector of venereal diseases.



              #4 If there are too many men there and no women, you may have walked into the wrong bar. Leave quickly and don't make eye contact, unless you want to get date-raped.




            #5. Beware of hole-in-the-walls. Sometimes they might have great beers and great prices, but other times, well, they might be out in the middle of nowhere for a reason.








There you have it. Use our tips, and you won't ever be recorded while you poop, solicited by a prostitute, date raped by men, forced into a shotgun wedding with a balding pig monster, and most importantly, you won't have to ever talk to Carlos Mencia.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
-Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Honker’s Ale
Music: Tom Petty



60 comments:

  1. Talk about gay bars! My cousin once took me to this bar, said he had a surprise in store for me. Damn, nothing but guys. I said, 'Hey, this isn't funny!' so I wanted to split and I mean quick. Turns out all these guys were waiting for some special act: three naked ladies who wanted to sing a few songs for us. Well, that's a different story...

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  2. The gay bar comic is hilarious.

    Thank you for the abs.

    Also, I just noticed that your number of followers has DOUBLED in a month.

    Either I've missed the nude pictures you guys posted or getting BON'ED by Google really boosts your popularity.

    Congrats.

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  3. Keystone light? eeewww! Gimme piss instead! That bartender reminds me of folks from where I come from with the john durrr hat! Great post!

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  4. I just wanna know... how did you get rid of Shirleyannejobob? :D

    Cheers,
    Arnab Majumdar on SribbleFest.com

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  5. My general rules of thumb are if there are not at least 10 beers on tap, there is a band that sounds like dying cattle, or I meet more than one creepster before walking in the door...and all of the above are not nullified by the presence of unusually attractive women..."screw you guys, I'm going hoooome."

    Also, I noticed the label "little gay brown man" and about had a bowel movement laughing.

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  6. group rate specials :D Soho, London!

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  7. You nearly put me off Gin and Tonic with that opening, I'm picturing the turd over here. It was the last panel that really slayed me, shirleyannejobob.
    Enjoy your weekend
    Anne

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  8. i cant stop laughing!! seriously, you guys just made my day with this!! shirleyannejobob!!!

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  9. I live in Arkansas, and actually know a Shirleyanjobob
    no really. great post as always

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  10. Have you ever actually wandered into a gay bar by mistake? Thanks for the tips though, I too can stay slightly safer in a bar now. Though there is only one that's really close to me. It's a nice place too.

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  11. I;m not sure whether I am more disgusted by the shotgun wedding... or Carlos Mencia.

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  12. Hahahaha, nice wedding. That gay bar's looking pretty damn good now, isn't it?

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  13. Haha, this was a very insightful post. I'll keep your advice close to my heart whenever it is that I do go out. I loved the Carlos Mancia animation, too funny.

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  14. One question, do gay bars have two restrooms- one with skirt picture or only one?
    The ratio of urinals to toilets would be different I guess?
    So, If I need to get married I should have my dad working in a bar? I am an adult and I am married and the shotgun wasnt used by my dad , it was used by me. ;)

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  15. As an avid collector of venereal diseases, I found this post in distaste. However, your depiction of Cletus is remarkable.

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  16. But what's the rule about visiting a bar that has a picture of a woman riding a shark? That's okay right?

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  17. Cletus is a first cousin to Clovis Eugenia, I see you was marrying the skinny one with less facial hair. Congrats!!

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  18. Shugs!! shirlieannjobob HAHA

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  19. Seems like sound advice. Kudos to the Leslie Nielsen link.

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  20. I too would rather drink piss than a Keystone light. Keystone was my beverage the first time I got drunk....er trashed. I puked for two hours. Never again.

    Love this blog! I always look forward to your posts!

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  21. Next time you walk into a bar with Carlos Mencia, force him to marry Shirleyannejobob. That way you get rid of 2 problems at one go.

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  22. Hahaha, thanks for the morning laugh.

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  23. It's reasons like this that I stay out of the bar scene and hang around the local microbrewery, especially since the shotgun wedding scenario is not far from truth where I live. Good stuff, guys.

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  24. What a cute couple you make. Oh the four-eyed, unibrowed children you would brew.
    You may have covered this previously, but what if you wander into a bar and they tell you the beer, after they poured it, will cost $12? Is it justified to spit in the bartender's face?
    By the way, gay bars are AWESOME for a guy's self esteem, the only thing those abed gentlemen want is to blow...your mind with nice compliments (I don't care if it was a shitty joke, it made me chuckle).

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  25. Having trouble staying classy after that one.

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  26. #2 is a solid piece of advice. Carlos Mencia is an annoying individual. Seeing him behind the bar would be enough reason to punch him...BOOM right to the nose.

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  27. Ohh btw, congrats. You won 1st prize

    http://www.gmsoccerpicks.com/2011/09/199th-or-200th-follower-promotion.html

    Feel free to contact me for more info.

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  28. You know the song that goes...."If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life... make an ugly woman your wife...."
    Well... personally... I think Shirleyannejobob proves how stupid that song always was...

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  29. Nobody over the legal drinking age (or even under it really) should EVER drink Keystone Light!!! For that matter the underage can keep Budweiser, Natural Ice, and all the other shit beers. No freaking thank you!

    Great post! I love a good hole in the wall but not the ones on the corner of Bumblefuck and My You Have a Purdy Mouth!

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  30. I'm pretty sure that cameras inside of bathrooms are illegal...

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  31. I have seen a lot of those "balding pig monsters" unfortunately at bars, that is all i seem to be attracting. fucking bar rats are the worse! p.s. i have a question... is there an easy way to answer people that comment?

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  32. Eating yoghurt while reading your post is never a good idea. ::*::cleans screen::*:: I know what you mean about Keystone - that's not really beer. It's yellowish carbonated water.

    Thanks for the tips. :)

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  33. #6 - Glory holes aren't that glorious. They sound better than they really are. You should try to stay away from them. Trust me.

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  34. educating stuff lol hahah....nice blog btw...following!

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  35. Could you do a 'things we've learned at the bar' for women?

    I would love to know what your advice to the fairer sex would be... regardless of whether you have actually LEARNT it or not.

    Could have done with a few tips last night!

    Brilliant, by the way!

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  36. Haha, so, I know now. Avoid really bad latino comedians, clam bakes, or sausage fests for that matter, and anywhere that plays dueling banjos. Got it!

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  37. lol @ the carlos mencia bit.

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  38. Although I suppose they theoretically could offer sex to me for money, too.

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  39. i've finally had time to click on some of the avi's on your page. A great lot o' funny shite here. Christ, yer buildin' an effin empire. You two have created an atmosphere of comradarie rather than competition amongst we bloggers. Thanks from the bottom of me black Irish heart fer allowin' me to piss in the pool with the rest of these folks

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  40. Hahaha! The prostitute is killer xD

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  41. Dive bars are so hipster these days.

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  42. my friends and i once went into a gay bar in germany by mistake. you think the mustaches and tropical theme would have tipped us off, but no.

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  43. Had an equally worse experience in a gay bar, and I've been in a few of those "you ain't from around hear are ya" type bars. They had no problem serving us booze, but the food was for locals only for whatever reason.

    Still, that was probably for the best. Biting into a toasted sandwich and ending up with an extra tooth in your mouth, along with several undiscovered diseases can't be a pleasant experience.

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  44. Good post guys. 2 things: 1. In vegas they are "technically" called escorts. 2. My current beer is Beck's NA because I'm in a dry fucking country right now and if my piss was 3.2 by volume then I would happily drink it. You guys will just have drink for me I guess. My favorite is Yuengling. Cheers.

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  45. this post resulted me going on a lolercoaster whilst wearing my lolerblades. translation: funny stuff guys!

    - Juliet x

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  46. I had no idea Carlos mencia was a bar tender... That's why I havent seen him around comedy central much any more. :P

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  47. Prostitution stings - the number one reason to drink at home.

    I also try to avoid places where there are more lasers and black lights than there are regular lights. *shivers at the thought*

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  48. I have a feeling that you modeled the gay guy Jonathan after me......

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  49. There is a bar in Seattle that smells like a rancid basement. True story.

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  50. I think I'll just avoid bars in general from now on.

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  51. All the bars over here where I'm going to college are full of hipsters drinking their even more hipster beer or stoners/homeless people (it's hard to tell them apart).

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  52. This was absolutely hilarious. Its so sad there are so many pointless bars out there. We want some good ones people! Especially not any like the ones in this post. Sadly, I have run into some of these occurrences, not only was I scared, but scarred for life.

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  53. I've finagled my way out of a few shotgun weddings from going to the wrong gay bar.

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  54. Ahahaha u always crack me up, te last one with the weird man and his even weirder daughter killed me! i wld be real careful bout the kinda bar i get into going forward lol.

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  55. hahah this cracked me up, especially the bar men and his weirdo daughter

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  56. Also if they are all dressed in black latex and leather you might have taken a wrong turn...true story

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  57. Mr. Bryan Q. Bumfuck has a nice ring to it ...

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  58. Newcastle ???

    As in Newcastle Brown Ale ?
    Surely not.
    Impressed if it is though.

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