Monday, September 26, 2011

Man Vs. Food Network

I don't watch much TV. Most reality shows make me feel like the engines have exploded on the airplane that is humanity, and when this illiterate hunk of bolts comes crashing down in a ball of fire in the vast ocean of dumbfuckery, the only hope for our future will rest in a few fart-filled seat cushions. Like, yeah, totally.

That said, I'm actually really glad to have cable again for the first time in five years. And the biggest reason is...The Food Network, because I love seeing all the delicious looking food porn. Sure, it makes my Ramen noodle casserole like a steaming pile of crap, but that's okay. Because, by following along with the pros, it's inspired me to take a stab at a few new recipes. However, since I'm an amateur cook, sometimes I have to improvise on the ingredients. See the following...

















I never claimed to be a professional, but dammit am I crafty when it comes to substituting ingredients. Now, if you'll excuse me, it's time to eat. And then lance a few boils.

Cheers,

-brandon

Beer: Prince Albert (Moonshine Brewery)
Music: Dirty Projectors

74 comments:

  1. I recall having read once upon a time that one of the lead photographers for Playboy became disenchanted with photographing naked women all day along... didn't feel challenged by his work, so he quit and went to work for a food magazine and was happier...

    Of course, some of us WOULD consider naked women food... :oD

    ~shoes~

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  2. Dining Rule #47: Only steak may be served while weeping blood.

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  3. ....and butter! Lots of butter!

    Especially if you're watching Paula Deen.

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  4. If there was anything worse than Paula Dean's "y'all" it was the crap fest her son's had on the food network. I think they wanted to remind us all constantly they were related calling each other brother in every sentence. Thanks for making me laugh :)

    Tammy

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  5. Tut tut, you didn't even wash your hands! :P

    http://www.pablosangel.blogspot.com

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  6. Creative substitutions are the foundations of new recipes. Who knows Chicago Fried Pigeon might just be the craze that replaces food trucks.

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  7. This is both disgusting and hilarious. Someday I'll be ambitious enough to make fried chicken.

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  8. I would call this hell's kitchen. And Paula Deen's scary smile and Kubrick movie's "Little piggy" pose??! oh my!

    "I will clean up my room mommy, please dont try Brandon's recipe and experiment on me"

    Maybe you could give up your attempts to publish your comics or comedy and write a cook book. Whether it would become a hit for book on cookery or not it would become a bestseller with all "weightwatchers"

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  9. So I won't be coming to your place for dinner anytime soon. Your taste in art is impeccable. Jack on your back wall and a dog wearing glasses. Beats the shit out of Monet any day of the week.

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  10. I know the manfriend is chomping at the bit to upgrade our cable package to include the Food Network; he's a total foodie. I will pass on your recipe to him, and hopefully we can experience the same tasty goodies in our abode.

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  11. Food Network is one of few things I miss since we shut eliminated cable.

    Chopped is my favorite show.

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  12. You forgot her secret ingredient. A stick of butter, melted on top. Everything that women does has to have butter on it. True story, doctors tried to take a blood sample from her once, only found butter.

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  13. This post has made me hungry. Please excuse me while I head down to the loading dock and try to wrangle up a pigeon. Or a seagull. Seagulls are the goats of the sky so I bet they taste delicious.

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  14. Haha, did not expect a whole pigeon at the end. Hilarious. But good try though, those pigeons are tricky :)

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  15. The cooking channel always makes it look easy doesn't it? They never have to show the initial prep and cleanup which is the worst part of cooking imo.

    All you need for that pigeon is some Frank's Red Hot Chili Sauce. "Cuz you can put that sh*t on everything!"

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  16. I have Paula Dean in my celebrity death pool, but with your cooking prowess, you may have rocketed to the top.

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  17. I was in Chicago a few days ago; and got pretty massive food poisioning.

    Do you, by chance, SHARE your culinary creations?

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  18. THIS IS LIKE A COOKING BLOG GONE ALL CRAZY.

    I like your subtle interpretation of Paula's arm. Does you have some sort of Proper English-to-Southern translator? Typing like that must take a lot of time. ;)

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  19. My buddies are Food Network junkies and it makes me crazy every time I go visit. We sit around his garage watching Man VS Food or the one with the guy with the blond spikey hair.

    We get all charged up about new food and great places to go eat it, yet remain standing around the garage.

    It was so much easier when guys just watched shows where things blow up.

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  20. I'm bloody worried that recipe was actually appealing, the food network is good as long as women aren't cooking unless naked maybe?

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  21. I hate pigeons. Pigeons are rats with wings. I can't stand them.
    If you could make this recipe more often, then there will be less pigeons in the world.
    Thanks....

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  22. Come on now, why are y'all picking on us southern people ..:) What's wrong with a little squab??

    I imagine that fried pigeon is right up there with robin gumbo - a real New Orleans treat..

    .. or how about a pigeon po boy)!:)

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  23. Paula Deen sure does get alotta blog lovin'. I'm with vanyelmoon on PD & her sons. bleech.

    Red Shoes: spoken like a man.

    As for fried pigeon...I'll take it over soylent green any day.

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  24. Umm... remind me to bring my own food when I have dinner at your house. Also: Paula Deen and no mention of BUTTER? Shame.

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  25. Very inventive recipe! LOL Nice!
    You know they say everything is a delicacy somewhere... or something like that.

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  26. Food shows are the best! I want to start baking because of the Great British Bake Off - I bought a brownie mix, you only need to add water. That's my kind of baking.

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  27. Not many pigeons out where I live but I am currently trying to catch some crow to go with my buffalo sparrow wings and crab grass soup!

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  28. Hmmm, that's why nothing I cook tastes any good, I've been missing the secret ingredients.

    Btw, the laughs I'm having reading this is exactly what I needed to help me get though my second shift at work later today. Thanks! <3

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  29. I once found a pigeon. Someone shot him and broke his wing. He pissed me off with his incessant cooing and flinging bird seed all over the house. So I did what any animal lover would do. I let him go in the corn field behind my house. Last thing I remember was his broken wing trailing behind his tail feathers as he waddled through the stalks. I'm sure he made out just fine. There's only a few hundred coyotes around. Cooo Cooooo

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  30. Your culinary skills astound me!

    Also, there was this whole study done about how food photographed in somewhat suggestive ways got people subconsciously preferring the photographs.

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  31. Get a cat.
    They can always be relied upon to bring home dead birds..and the occasional mouse. Well variety is the spice of life and all that.

    ps Re your comment about my comment system, can let you have the URL to the site I got it from ? Is basic HTML, easy to set up.

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  32. Ok, so that spoiled my appetite for the next three to four days. Well, it could have been worse. You would have had better luck with a grill.

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  33. I am calling shenanigans on that! you didnt use grotesque amounts of butter!! O.o

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  34. i tell you what. next time you're going to be in san diego, shoot me an email and my wife and i will cook you up some REAL fried chicken. i went to culinary school and my wife is black...nuff said. btw thanks for not only being super funny but for kinda being an inspiration for a young blog-i-wan. you are one of the few that leave comments on my site and i want you to know that i really appreciate it!

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  35. LOVE the Food Network! Although I usually have a slightly different experience. No, I don't actually *cook* food. But close.

    Usually, I imagine myself actually in the show. Talking to a live audience.

    Telling them, step by step, how to heat the Lean Cuisine.

    Then I get fancy, especially when I stir and re-cover that beautiful plastic bowl.

    "Back into the microwave for 1:45. While that's cooking, we can go ahead and throw away that napkin that's been sitting on the table for 3 days. *BEEEEEP* Ah! It's ready! Now, caaaarefully remove the plastic wrap. Oh! That's hot! Now, sprinkle some salt over it. (Because Lean Cuisines NEVER have enough salt!)

    Perfect. Enjoy!"

    I think there are support groups out there for people like me.

    I'm just too busy exploring my culinary side to find them.

    :)

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  36. Seriously...almost vomited my face off when the pigeon eggs came in.

    For more fun with Paula please see her newly released sex tape:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L0FKwpXmP4

    and um...ramen noodle casserole? patent that shit fast!!

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  37. My roommate was always the cook. Now that he graduated I am happy with the instant mixes and the chipotle nearby. But, oh boy, he used to make some really good fried chicken. Now, I don't think I can have fried chicken ever again :P

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  38. There are times I wish I didn't have cable...and others I have never been more thrilled I do. My recent favorites Storage Wars, Hillbilly Handfishing, and HGTV in general are proof that God loves me and wants me to have cable. Reality TV is the devil but I manage to avoid it.

    Enjoy your pigeon...I hear it is a delicacy in Zimbabwe or something/somewhere like that.

    Um...I hear that bird fat works as a salve for the burns...so keep some of that bird around and rub it on yourself.

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  39. Laugh all you want, i had a friend that had a bird trap, and he used to catch and eat pigeons. He wasn't poor or anything, in fact he came from a very good family. To each their own i guess hahahah I don't know if i would try em, although everything tastes good enough if you deep fry it.

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  40. What I hate about cooking shows is that they make it look so easy. I started learning to cook about two years ago and I've fucked up just about everything including boiling water! BTW, there are pigeons like fuck all over here in London. And they will eat anything. Went to a museum the other day and someone left their salad remnants on a table in the outdoor cafe (since there are no fucking garbage cans here.) Next thing I see: a pigeon chowing down on greens w/balsamic vinaigrette. No joke.

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  41. Rabies counts as a seasoning. Enjoy!

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  42. If I were Gordon Ramsay, I'd come over and kick your ass right now while swearing a blue streak at you.

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  43. lol oh god rabies. at least there is love!

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  44. something about paula deen, pigeons and jack nicholson that always prove to be a failsafe combination for a full stomach and a long lasting statuesque chubby! somebodies got to second that motion....

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  45. I love the Food Network. Only watching Kid In A Candy Store could put me off sweets for life.

    Also, The Barefoot Contessa should just be called Recipes With Butter. Does Ina Garten work on commission for the dairy industry?

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  46. I hate watching cooking shows on telly. They are all the fucking same. Master Chef this Top Chef that. Its all a load of crock. Just gimme the recipe book I don't need to see some old fucker on telly wearing oven gloves and an apron. That is NOT entertainment.

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  47. thats y I WATCH masterchef Aus and never cook :P

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  48. I believe the best way to cook a pigeon is like the way to cook a galah.
    Chuck it in a pot of water with a rock. Boil until the the rock is soft.
    Chuck the galah and eat the rock......

    (sorry I am so late sweet)

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  49. I never watch this fookery shows and no that's not even a typo there :|

    Cheers

    Chintan

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  50. I must say, I always love watching the food network, but have had to limit myself to only doing it on Saturday and Sunday mornings. If I watch it at any other point I just get hungry and yet always feel disapointed when I make myself something simple (which is all I ever have time to do)

    But if I do it on Saturday and Sunday mornings, then it has me hungry and I have enough time to want to experiment..... Then I normally realize that all I have are a couple of Ostrich eggs and come coke...... Don't Judge Me!!!

    letsjustrant.blogspot.com

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  51. The secret ingredient is always really rabies. Reality TV also remains for me the main reason I have very little faith in humanity anymore. I'm not as good as you at substituting ingredients though, or cooking for that matter.

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  52. I am offended by this post. I feel you are poking fun at people who eat pigeon! Its a freekin delicious bird..... ass!!!!

    Sincerely
    creepy guy who enjoys eating pigeon

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  53. That's total bullshit. Paula would make you stuff it with a stick of butter and wrap it in bacon.

    Duh.

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  54. Oh god is that Paula? I can't stand that woman.

    Though you and I share similar cooking experiences...

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  55. mmmmmmmm.... raaaabbbiiieeesss. those taste like rabbits, right?

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  56. If you ever make homemade mac n cheese, never try to make it healthier by using 2% milk instead of half and half, or margarine instead of butter. You will be scarred for life by the unpleasant texture.

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  57. I swear Paula Deen has been using butter to mummify her self......she has creepy beady little eyes......she haunts my dreams with her strange romance for butter and those eyes!

    I need a drink.

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  58. Love it. I always cook with rabies. :)

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  59. Remember, you put out grease fires with salt; water on grease fires is a no-no. Just a helpful tidbit when your Foreman grease goes belly up and the meat bits start to catch fire. (:

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  60. Cooking shows always say they're trying to make everyone better in the kitchen. But the vast majority of the people that watch these sorts of things barely stray from the microwave. Myself included.

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  61. I'm no art critic but I think the deep fried pigeon frame might just be a masterpiece.

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  62. You will need several pounds of butter if you are making a Paula Deen recipe. I love her Santa Fe wraps.

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  63. I have no idea who that woman is but I know she scares me...

    Hmm...I hope the burns were worth the pidgeon. Though I think I agree with @Chris - that is a mighty fine piece of art.

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  64. that was absolutely crazy
    well, i always thought Heston Blumenthal was experimental, but it seems people can get crazier than him!

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  65. It's as if you've illustrated my entire thought process. Bravo.

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  66. Ah, the unemployed chef. I too have had the dilemma of substituting tons ingredients in some of those damn food network recipes. There used to be many tears over these ruined meals but lately my meals have gotten better. Plus, my boyfriend and I have not suffered from food poisoning yet! ::knocks on wood::

    If you want to see some crazy food alchemy shit just watch Chopped. You can see someone turn cat food into filet mignon.

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  67. Back in my student days, I was a massive advocate for peanut butter and sausages.

    There's some hot fat stuck to the roof of your mouth, and its orgasmic.

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  68. funny as always! I'm back at uni now so I've been experimenting with VERY cheap ingrediants. I've even tried something called 'noodle snack' which cost me 16 pence (about 20-25 cents). And yes it was awfull. All the while my posh housemate is cooking elaborate foods with names I can't even pronounce. Also as in the UK it's legal to be an alcoholic at 18 (winning)I've actually tried a beer in the shower thanks to your blog. Cured my hangover, As a result of this I shall reccomend your blog on medical grounds :)

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  69. Deep fry anything and you're bound to end up with something edible, so it looks like you're off to a great start. For the record, I normally can't stand Paula Dean, but your post made her tolerable. Minus the fact that I could actually hear her voice every time I read "Y'all" in the comic. Can't wait for more of your culinary adventures!

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  70. Food network is pretty much the best thing on TV. Much more informative than what's become of The Learning Channel. TLC = Total Load of Crap

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