Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Live 200 Feet Away From a Registered Sex Offender

           So over the weekend the wife and I went to have some beers with the new neighbors (not to be confused with the asshole neighbors, which you can learn more about under the menu 'Meet the Neighbors!' on the righthand side of this post, if you're not familiar/new here).
           Anyway, the neighbor woman mentioned that she had gone on the Internet and done a search of our surrounding area to see if any sex offenders popped up, and that sure enough, she found one about a mile away, in the far back of our housing division. What's more, his report said he wasn't just a guy who peed in the wrong playground sandbox, no, he was a convicted rapist, and it freaked her out a little.
           So when I came home, I went to one of those sex offender search sites to investigate for myself, and what I found was pretty interesting...
            Because, you see, sites like mapquest can never find our house correctly, and it messes up the layout of our entire neighborhood. So I had to plug the rapist's address directly into Google maps, and I found out that he lives a BIT closer than a mile away...








          So I went to Mr. Convicted Rapist's house looking for answers.

























Yeah, we've got some real oddballs in this neighborhood...

Do you live near a sex offender? Does it make you worried?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Justified
Beer: Fat Tire
Music: The screams of a ball-less pedophile is about all I can hear in my ringing ears

81 comments:

  1. I am a convicted raccoon offender. How does it make YOU feel?

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  2. Within a mile from registered sex offender? Wow, that should give valid reason to wake up in the morning.
    I would switch my neighbourhood immediately.
    Rapists should be hung and these pedophiles?!!!

    You arent exagerrating, this is what these TV shows do right? Lure them, bait them and curse them?

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  3. I don't think you can search for sex offenders in England, but I don't know if I'd do it anyway. I would find myself feeling like this though, and thinking "Why have I not been raped?"

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  4. I particularly enjoy the pit sweat stains you added to the illustrations. It really gives it that touch of class. And not to go all 'Mom' on this website but I've totally checked the list and do it every few months. Most of the pictures that pull up...yeah, pretty stereotypical of what I would think a person on that list should like that.

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  5. Ohh btw, if you are up for a haiku battle, let me know. I will crush you like i did with the Lunatic Pope hahaha

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  6. You just made my fucking day!!!

    I had a crappy day up until I read your blog. You get 5 stars and a HIGH SIX from me today, Plonker!

    Fuckin' A!!!

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  7. Oh my, you funny funny guy.

    You know, if there's a rapist nearby, I'll offer myself up on a silver platter.

    Because that's way cheaper than buying a dildo.

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  8. I lost fate in those websites after I found out that some of them allow people to register themselves. So many pranksters then registered their teachers and things like that.

    I mean really, how am I meant to find someone willing to rape me when these sites are filled with normal, innocent people?

    letsjustrant.blogspot.com

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  9. When I moved out to the western slope I found out that Grand Junction has one of the highest per capita rates of sex offenders in the state!

    Thank goodness it's over an hour from my house....otherwise I'd be more worried about why I haven't been offered any candy by strangers...

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  10. I thought I was the only person with Al Roaker's picture on my desk :( This is hilarious. Is it bad that I actually like Toddlers and Tiaras. Not in a creepy way, in a 'can't turn away from this trainwreck way'. That makes it better, right??

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  11. my last neighborhood where i lived for 4 years had 2 registered sex offenders. it always creeped me out when i went for a walk with my daughter & we'd walk past his house. the other one used to walk around the neighborhood some & he was so damn quiet, he'd be just a few feet away from you before you even saw him coming. so scary!

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  12. Oh gosh, watching Toddlers In Tiaras for sex offenders is like a gay guy watching ANYTHING on Bravo. As far as I know there are no sex offenders by my place, but I will be on the look out and try not to bend down to pick up anything while I am outside.

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  13. This was classy as fuck :P
    I doubt there are any where I live. Mostly I see old couples walking hand in hand... :)

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  14. I'm pretty sure that they stopped posting the addresses of known sex offenders in the UK after some locals on a council estate half killed a Paediatrician, thinking the notice on his surgery door was a warning to the half educated locals….

    I do think your rapist neighbour should have shown you and your wife a little more courtesy and at least pretended a bit of interest – very hurtful….I can let you have a slightly used Paediatrician sign to stick on his door if you think it might help him get the beating he deserves – from previous visits I believe a number of your locals would appear to have the right level of education (25 yard swimming certificate - “forged”) for this to work….

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  15. Gross!!!!!! We and by we I mean my group of friends and I, looked up one of those sites only to find a friend of ours...on there...registered. He plead sandbox urinater but I'm not so sure.

    Hilarious post!!!

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  16. Just think of all the pedophiles who are not registered. One never really knows what lurks beyond the driveway... That guy is really creepy looking--is he a CO senator or something like that? ;~)

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  17. Now THIS is staying classy!

    I have never bothered to check, I just assume one out if four is pretty probable.

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  18. Sadly I have a sex offender far too close for my tastes, his conviction involved a kid my sons age. Every day its a struggle to not grab the shotgun and remove him from my neighborhood.
    Crap that's not a funny response at all is it?

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  19. I live in not quite so nice a neighborhood. Last I checked I had five sex offenders in my neighborhood, one rapist living right down the street for me. And those are just the ones who have been convicted...I just stay well armed and trained in self defense.
    I loved you kicking the nutters out of the creepy guy! Too funny!

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  20. "IBM stinkpad" haha nice. I have no idea if there are sex offenders anywhere near me. If there were, I would probably be tempted to troll these people and just stand outside screaming things like "you are scum! scuuuuuuuum!"

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  21. That head shot looked a lot like Captain Kangaroo with Marty Feldman's eyes. Always enjoyable to see a good breaking of the balls!

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  22. I serve coffee to a guy who I'm positive is a sex offender, which is why I have explained to him, in no uncertain terms, that I am a pre-op transsexual with a scat fetish.

    I feel like I've beat him at his own game.

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  23. One year the school bus stop in our neighborhood moved for no apparent reason. Right in front of the house owned by a registered sex offender. Who had been convicted for molesting children. Seriously, no shit.

    When I called the school (the transportation board, actually) and asked them to move the bus stop, they said they wouldn't do that and to just tell my daughter to not talk to the guy. I'm not kidding, that really happened. Mind-blowing.

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  24. I've met some registered sex offenders. Most I've met are young and gay little fruit loops.

    hilarious post!

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  25. Never thought to look before. Seems searching for sex offenders could be turned into a drinking game somehow.

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  26. I think it's pretty fantastic how all your teeth turn into molars when you get mad.

    And also, how YOU'RE all sweaty, when the obese sex offender is dry as a bone (pun partially intended).

    But no, we have no sex offenders in my neighborhood. Its a giant complex, and they screen the SHIT outta you before they lef you sign a lease, and there is a pretty steep clause in the rental agreement about decent behavior.

    So it's pretty safe.

    When I lived in Kansas City, though, the maintence guy who LIVED IN THE BASEMENT (because there's NOTHING creepy about that....)
    was without a doubt a sex offender.

    He took heels and makeup and assorted other weird things out of my apartment.

    Sometimes I miss the excitement

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  27. I'm having trouble deciding if you, close up, is less scary or more scary than the registered sex offender.

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  28. My solution to the question of "Is there a sex offender living in my neighborhood" is this. First offense, we juice 'em. Then we bury them. Then we know where to find them and can go piss on their graves anytime we feel like it.
    Now that I've got that out of my system I'll say this "Yer highly rapeable luv."

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  29. The touch of Al Roker and the hot dog killed me. Beautiful artistic choices all around.
    I live in a complex that looks like it could be a sex-offender penitentiary with people who look like they just haven't been caught yet. But surprisingly, no one comes up on the search.
    I wonder if Mike Tyson has to go around to neighbors telling them he's a sex offender or if he just mails out pictures of his face tattoo prior to moving somewhere.

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  30. I haven't check, but the man across the street looks suspicious.

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  31. Rapists and pedophiles need to hang.

    I do feel bad for those who get caught in the system though. You always hear about the 18 y.o.'s dating their 17 y.o. significant other and now has to register as a sex offender.

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  32. I don't like to use acronyms, but it's just too applicable right now - LOL!!!!! This is so funny I laughed out loud.

    I live within a mile of over 17 registered sex offenders. Seriously. I did a blog post about it. We can't afford to move, though, so for now we're stuck. But based on their convictions (which you can see on the website) I'm not really their type, anyway...

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  33. I'm pretty sure there might be several sex offenders (and plenty of other criminals as well) living in my neighborhood. I never looked it up because I wanted to have the illusion of it being safe to walk home from work late at night and not be mugged or raped or killed (or all three).

    Great job with the falcon kick! ;)

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  34. The sex offender label gets bandied about a lot in WA you can be a sex offender for sleeping with your 16 year old girlfriend when you are 17. There should be sex offender colors or something so statutory in the 16 and 17 scenario is like sex offender level 100, not dangerous in the least and raped an actual child is like level 1 or red or something.

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  35. Are sex offenders in the neighbourhood a reality, or just another urban myth peddled out by Fox News?

    Your post was pretty smart man.

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  36. We have a woman on the list in our neighborhood.

    But I think it's just because is she had sex it'd be offensive.

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  37. Oh God, Toddlers in Tiaras.
    That show is terrifying.

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  38. For some reason this reminds me of the episode of It's Always Sunny when Dennis is freaking out because none of his friends' moms want to have sex with him ... But I like yours better obvs ;)

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  39. I'd like to add that Blacklog is correct about the paediatrician, I know this because I use to live on the estate it happened in.
    But we never have published names here - the protests that led to the above were part of a campaign to do so.
    You can sort of see why it never happened,

    And if you knew the people that live there you would not be surprised that they did that.

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  40. You sure have a lot of rapists reading your blog.

    I'd like to see someone kick the testicles out of someone else.

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  41. A sex offender lives in the same apartment building as my dad, needless to say I only visit in the daylight and my boyfriend goes with me. But his charge was sodomy. I have no clue if it was on a minor but either way.... that's fucking gross.

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  42. There's only 1 within a mile radius of my granddaughters and it's a female. She definitely is borderline retarded. I made sure I let their Mom know!! So sad isn't it?

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  43. re your comment: no, is that a creative writing professor or something? i actually did physics and philosophy majors, so no creativity for me. by the way, how is walden coming along?

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  44. I live on the same street as a registered sex offender (then again, I live in a tiny, shithole town, so practically everyone is on the same street). Who is -ahem- foreign. It doesn't really bug me - he's locked away in his house probably raping little children almost all the time. So long as he doesn't bug me.

    However, I wouldn't hesitate to falcon kick him either if I was deemed unrapeable.

    I mean, I'd falcon kick him if he tried to rape me. Of course that's what I mean.

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  45. Sorry, no matter in what context anyone attempts...rape and pedophilia are never funny. The registry has some quirks, what system doesn't, but I am loving that it is accessible to americans.

    We here in Canada are rallying to have it available to us citizens, and not just the authorities.

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  46. What, Bryan, you have memory loss problem! Remember, you got raped by that bunny a few weeks ago? So you are rapeable...

    We don't have a sex offenders registry where we live, so I would not know. But if I did, I would end up being extremely scared. I think it's a useful registry to have, but then again, it makes you feel stressed out that I would rather not know..

    Ahahaha, and you mentioned Toddlers and Tiaras. Anyone who watches that show is a downright creep.

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  47. Holy shit. I shouldn't have looked at that website.

    http://i268.photobucket.com/albums/jj38/mj_lafser/SexOffender.png

    Do you see that map? It looks like it has the chicken pox. The sex offending chicken pox. I've heard those were bad. My neighbors told me.

    Wait...

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  48. dude i live in a san diego hoodish area...frankly I'm surprised im not a rapists....my penis might say otherwise. p.s. how would you feel about becoming one of my blog of the month recipients? its something i want to start soon.

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  49. Ignorance is bliss.

    Though I'm really tempted to do a search for one now...

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  50. It's a serious topic but I can't help laughing...falcon kick...I swear I am going to use that in my next conversation.

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  51. Hmm. You posed a really good question. I should really look into local sex offenders and soon. Better safe then fucked up the ass. I loved the Charlie Sheen comment. I just watched "Comedy Central Roast on Charlie Sheen" and it seemed as if nothing can penetrate through that impregnable exterior other than cocaine and easy women. Not a lot of people know of this "offensive sex" vulnerability. Hilarious guys, can't wait for the next one.

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  52. Boys, I've posted a blog that pays tribute to your wonderful country. I'd be most honored if one of you could make time to pay it a visit. I love America and her people and am sharing that with my UK audience today.
    Respectfully yours,
    Anne

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  53. I live in the country so I don't have a ton of neighbours. The closest one is 200 yards away. But they are Amish so maybe...

    The website you are exiting out of is hilarious!

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  54. I'm a huge fan of the falcon punch video, I showed it to friends over dinner once and the joke fell flat, they all looked at me like I was nutz.

    Rapeable?! Haha

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  55. When i checked into the freshman dorms my first year of college there three of them on my floor. WTF right. How do you have enough time between your 18th birthday and fall semester to become a registered pervert. Good job guys. keep it coming.

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  56. I don't know the whole story, but a friend of mine from college is not a registered sex offender. So that's pretty awesome.

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  57. Hold on. Was it after the bunny rape that you got into furries?

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  58. I've never seen you so mad before! Interesting.

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  59. I'm pretty sure 90% of the people living in some of these flats beside me are registered sex offenders. If not, they've done just about every other crime. Love the sex offenders :/ face.

    Also. Do you actually have those pictures hanging up in your house? Is that dude eating a hotdog motivation for those hard to complete blogs?

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  60. what is that? ketchup coming out of your eyes and ears?

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  61. After my wife spent over a year working these goofballs back into society (better than having a JOBLESS sex offender) we can hardly let our kids go to the bathroom at a restaurant without supervision. Although nothing compares to the author of this book, IMO:

    http://goo.gl/PSmtU

    The dude had sex with a dolphin. Now that's classy.

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  62. toddlers and tiarras, and the not so subtle illustration of drool, my god you folks are even sicker than I, honestly i didn't think it was possible. Great blog.

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  63. I like watching animal costume porn too! I thought I was the only one!

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  64. I love this site I will follow him in my head also:
    http://apostasjogosonline.blogspot.com/

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  65. Lmfao!!! I don't have any RSO close to my house, but my sister lives 2 doors down from one. I'm gonna recommend this site for tips on how to handle them :)

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  66. Wile e coyote giving it to Foghorn Leghorn from behind while Al Roker rapes his own mouth with a hot dog was the point at which I fell in love with this post.

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  67. There are so many hits around my parents and sisters houses that it is truly disturbing. Looking into it further we found murders, rapists, pedophiles, assault with deadly weapons, etc...the real good shit. Luckily up by me there are a lot less...I'm in the "victim-less crime" type of community.

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  68. Thanks for sharing, my friend! I enjoyed the visit.

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  69. For a not so funny subject I just laughed so damn hard.
    Fucking freaks. Thanks for calling the asswipe out.

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  70. First of all, your dog is so cute. I don't think we have a sex offender site for Ireland tho...we only have a lot of annoying students in my neighbourhood ...damn students, get of my lawn!

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  71. The internet is a great tool, but there are things you just don't wanna know. Great story.

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  72. hmm...... that post was a little bit of everything from funny.... then to offensive to dog sexer people.... then to funny again.

    Oh ya feel free to stop by sometime soon... and bring your wife.
    I just moved in around the corner.

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  73. :)
    Toddlers and Tiaras is such a creepy show.
    I bet they monitor the people who watch it regularly.

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  74. I hope to God that you actually took his picture off the sex offender website. Don't tell me if you didn't, I'd rather believe you did.

    Those sex offender websites definitely inspire heebie-jeebies. It's handy to use before you move somewhere, but not so much after you've signed a year lease.

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  75. Every time we move to a new neighborhood my family goes for a walk to announce our presence. This walk consists of my 340 lb boyfriend, my three children, myself and my two pit bulls that are sporting tomato stains around their mouths to look like blood. These are our weapons, one is 100 lbs of muscled beef and dumb as rocks aka green mile and the other is white and looks like Hitler aka the bringer of death. We use choke collars and chains, big heavy chains when we walk the dogs the first couple of times to invoke fear to our new society. It works pretty well too, god forbid anyone step foot on the street the bringer of death immediately starts growling and foaming at the mouth. The neighborhood crack-head tried to pet the bringer of death once, he almost lost his left arm. Our mail man also uses a perfected chest pass method for delivering our packages, lol.

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  76. Omg!!! This had me rolling. XD!!
    I mean I feel bad and stuff because its suppose to be a serious matter but omg.

    I'd be following from today!!! ^__^

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  77. good thing i live in a safe neighborhoood... i guess hahaha! "am i not rapeable"??? LMAO

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