In the spirit of the subject matter of the new novel we're writing, Bryan and I have decided to stop and take the time to offer up a little advice on how to deal with the world's most famous bunch of annoying, brain-deficient monsters. No, not the cast of Jersey Shore; I'm talking about zombies. And the point of today's post is to show you that with just a little nudge of creativity, you too can become the next MacGyver (or Martha Stewart) of zombie-slaying. Because, believe me, we understand how monotonus the old "swing-thump-squish" and "point-bang-splat" routine can get. Here are just a few suggestions we came up with that might help you spruce up your annihilation of the undead.
When dealing with large groups of zombie children, I always like to employ what I call the "Stranger with Candy" method, for which you will need: one hotwired ice-cream truck and one zombie-infested elementary school.
Second, zombies will chase a meal to the ends of the Earth. Literally. I call this the "Lemming" trick. For this one, you'll need: a rope, a cliff, and one person with an oversized, delicious-looking cranuim.
As for me (Bryan), my weapon would be far simpler. It wouldn't be a shotgun or a grenade or a school bus with a cowcatcher, it'd be a Tapout t-shirt. And to help me demonstrate, I brought along our favorite zombie (and good friend to the blog) Zombies Everywhere. (Check out his blog if you haven't. It's awesome)
Fighting zombies without a Tapout t-shirt:
You're about to get ate, son! If you want to live, you'd better put on that Tapout t-shirt!
Please, my grandmother looks more Tapout than you, bro. Try again. But for real this time.
That's more like it, broseph. Fanboys who wear Tapout don't have time to work out, so they need the tiniest, tightest t-shirt possible to give the illusion of fitness.
So... how does this help you kill zombies, you might ask? Well, first off, it's not only offense, it's defense, baby.
Instant camouflage. But wait, this t-shirt isn't just a good solid defense. It's also offense. Because anyone who wears it is automatically inflated with a false sense of ego that tells them they can beat up anyone, anywhere, any time, especially after they've been drinking. So chug your favorite 12-pack of Keystone Light and let's punch out some zombies.
Bam, look at that! You're a fuckin' hero or something. After you've beaten up a couple zombies, well, it's only a matter of time before the zombie bitches come rolling in. Zombie bitches love your alpha male bullshit.
Just make sure her bottom half hasn't been blown off by a shotgun, otherwise things are gonna get real messy in the bedroom.
And that's the story of how we're going to hell.
(For those of you who laughed, we'll see you there)
How would you fight off a zombie?
Brandon and Bryan
Mood: Roid rage
Beer: Metropolitan Flywheel
Music: The Pretenders