Monday, September 19, 2011

Get a Little Creative With Your Zombie Killing

In the spirit of the subject matter of the new novel we're writing, Bryan and I have decided to stop and take the time to offer up a little advice on how to deal with the world's most famous bunch of annoying, brain-deficient monsters. No, not the cast of Jersey Shore; I'm talking about zombies. And the point of today's post is to show you that with just a little nudge of creativity, you too can become the next MacGyver (or Martha Stewart) of zombie-slaying. Because, believe me, we understand how monotonus the old "swing-thump-squish" and "point-bang-splat" routine can get. Here are just a few suggestions we came up with that might help you spruce up your annihilation of the undead.

When dealing with large groups of zombie children, I always like to employ what I call the "Stranger with Candy" method, for which you will need: one hotwired ice-cream truck and one zombie-infested elementary school.




Second, zombies will chase a meal to the ends of the Earth. Literally. I call this the "Lemming" trick. For this one, you'll need: a rope, a cliff, and one person with an oversized, delicious-looking cranuim.




As for me (Bryan), my weapon would be far simpler. It wouldn't be a shotgun or a grenade or a school bus with a cowcatcher, it'd be a Tapout t-shirt. And to help me demonstrate, I brought along our favorite zombie (and good friend to the blog) Zombies Everywhere. (Check out his blog if you haven't. It's awesome)

Fighting zombies without a Tapout t-shirt:




You're about to get ate, son! If you want to live, you'd better put on that Tapout t-shirt!




Please, my grandmother looks more Tapout than you, bro. Try again. But for real this time.





That's more like it, broseph. Fanboys who wear Tapout don't have time to work out, so they need the tiniest, tightest t-shirt possible to give the illusion of fitness.

So... how does this help you kill zombies, you might ask? Well, first off, it's not only offense, it's defense, baby.






Instant camouflage. But wait, this t-shirt isn't just a good solid defense. It's also offense. Because anyone who wears it is automatically inflated with a false sense of ego that tells them they can beat up anyone, anywhere, any time, especially after they've been drinking. So chug your favorite 12-pack of Keystone Light and let's punch out some zombies.








Bam, look at that! You're a fuckin' hero or something. After you've beaten up a couple zombies, well, it's only a matter of time before the zombie bitches come rolling in. Zombie bitches love your alpha male bullshit.



Just make sure her bottom half hasn't been blown off by a shotgun, otherwise things are gonna get real messy in the bedroom.

And that's the story of how we're going to hell.
(For those of you who laughed, we'll see you there)

How would you fight off a zombie?

Cheers,
Brandon and Bryan

Mood: Roid rage
Beer: Metropolitan Flywheel
Music: The Pretenders

71 comments:

  1. Ok, I laughed, and am so going to hell alongside you guys! You have corrupted my innocent little soul and I hope you're happy!

    Also, on the note of Zombies, I think you guys should check out the book "That's not your mommy anymore!" http://www.amazon.com/Thats-Not-Your-Mommy-Anymore/dp/156975926X

    Don't worry, this is not spam and is sure to have therapists all around the world laughing at the money they are going to rake in because of it!

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  2. I have no idea how I would fight a zombie but I think your ideas are awesome.
    Well done guys. Fabulous as always

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  3. If they're un-dead, it's not necrophilia, right? I love the idea of dangling Stephen Hawking as bait. I would travel with small children I could throw at them, then while they're distracted eating the child I threw at them, swing-thump-squish.

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  4. I would let them chase me into a showing of the new Adam Sandler movie and then watch them blow their own brains out. Well done guys.

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  5. Is it weird that I'm legitimately afraid of zombies? And flying. Seriously, put me on a plane piloted by zombies and I'm pretty much done for no matter how many chainsaws or samurai swords I had.

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  6. The zombie bitches were a nice touch. You look like a cross between Pauly D and Charlie Sheen with those Z-goddesses.

    In the event of a Zombie apocalypse, I'd use a boom box and some Dolly Parton to keep the undead at bay.

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  7. I like your approaches. I might try an old school Looney Tunes traps with a box, some rope, and a pile of brains. :)

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  8. My grandma told me when I was young that cannibal tribals wont kill and eat me because my ears has been pierced and they dont sacrifice or eat anything which has holes or flaws in the body.
    So, I was quite relieved and then came zombies. Thanks so much for the tip and I am buying tapout t-shirt rightaway.
    Bryan, you attract zombie chiks too? You are so cool...

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  9. This is what I'd do. First I'd send out a national broadcast of myself clubbing baby seals to death. This would bring the PETA people running in my direction. The PETA people would be my zombie bait. Then when the zombies follow I'll use an M2A1-7 US Army flamethrower to kill the zombies. Now if any PETA people get caught up in the fire, well I've just rid the world of 2 btaindead monsters at the same time. Congressional Medal of Honor? I think so. See ya in hell boys

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  10. HA HA! I live and South Florida and the Tapout goons are everywhere. They are almost as bad as the Ed Hardy idiots. We definately need a zombie apocalypse to clean up this mess. Thanks for another bright spot on this dismal Monday morning.

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  11. Mmmmm, I bet Stephen Hawking's brain tastes like the finest caviar.

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  12. Haha! The camouflage idea cracked me up! I think you could go with a mix of two things you said. A bus with plasmas playing reruns of Jersey Shore AND a cattle catcher. Zombies would immediately know that there are no brains in this vicinity.

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  13. I don't know sex with zombies. Is that necrophilia or does it not count because they are undead?

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  14. I will invite the Zombie for dinner and make him eat Red-Pepper-Bomb :|

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  15. Poor Stephen Hawking. He was promised cupcakes.

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  16. I will see you in Hell my friends. For my own brand of zombie killing I think I'd have to stick with the cliches. They're everywhere, but for a good reason. They work. Though I do love the idea of making yourself look as stupid as possible, and using an ice cream truck.

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  17. My wife's cousin had a baby with a guy who, no shit, showed up for the baptism wearing a Tapout t-shirt. I thought to myself, "When this guy renounces Satan, shit is gonna get REAL!"

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  18. oh how I love this one!! Getting creative with the zombie killing adds a little spice to the whole apocalypse. lol. And even though you killed me off with a super falcon punch to the face, I ain't mad. As long as you got the zombie bitches in the end. I am so putting this on my stumbleupon and digg account!!

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  19. "He hit me so hard my face melted."

    Awesome! I figure that I'd be pretty boned in a zombie apocalypse. I pee too frequently, eventually one would catch me with my pants around my ankles.

    -dysfunction
    www.atasteofdysfunction.blogspot.com

    (Sorry for the 'anonymous' comment, my account has been tempermental with allowing me to comment in embedded forms. O_o

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  20. All I would need is my truck, a bat and a liquid shit ton of premium gas.

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  21. I'm thinking of something along the line of an elevated lawnmower... and just drive through them and cut their heads off... The grass catcher... er... head catcher bag could be optional, but would make clean up a hellofalot easier...

    Just sayin...

    ~shoes~

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  23. Seriously. My blogging abilities are to die for. Which is why I was required to delete previous post.

    Sweet Mary Martha Stewart; someone has already eaten my brain. Clearly!

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  24. I'm getting prepared as well, in my own way...because really, we can never be TOO prepared for the Zombieacoplyse. http://alienbody.blogspot.com/2011/09/ill-be-ready-will-you.html

    Thanks for the tips, I'll add them to my training routine.

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  25. No one's gonna say it? It HAS to be me?

    I noticed, DISTRACTINGLY, that Bryan's Zombie look eeirly similar to Brandon.

    Hmmmm.

    ANYWAY. I'm not too worried about killing zombies.

    I've seen enough movies to know that the pretty girl dies off pretty quickly.

    So I'm more interested in self-preservation.
    Make-up, muddled speech, staggering, lowly-deadpan eyes (uggg, like closing time on 6th street) in an attempt to blend in so I can get away.

    I'll leave the zombie slaying to the hunks of the world.

    :)
    Jen

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  26. Awesome as usual..I wish zombies would have been more popular when I was a kid..I could have watched stuff like ..Cleave it to Beaver... Wendy's could have had a "Where's the brains" commercial...

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  27. I don't see why you'd go to hell for this. Even God hates frat boy douches. I think it's even in the Bible.

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  28. I usually go with explosive bananas. Plus the banana peels slow down the next wave of zombies. Or explosive chickens or chickens with chainsaws.

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  29. Geniuses. That's all I can about you two. Where you come up with this stuff blows my mind. Not that there is much left to blow after all the pot I smoked and LSD I tripped with! haha.

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  30. "But for real this time" then the Gel was genius! That was my SCAOTK (Spitting-coffee-all-over-the keyboard) moment of the day.

    I would stay at the DMV to survive. I'm sure Zombies hate long lines and bureaucracy too. No one goes there willingly.

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  31. I think the ice cream truck is more my style. But let me ask, if zombies started through the Jersey Shore cast, how would we know?

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  32. The ice cream truck works every time.

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  33. Hmmmm brainsicle! YUM... Wait! What? Did I say that out loud? No, really, I'm not a zombie. I'm not gonna hurt you, I promise. You can put away the shotgun, Stephen Hawking and the Tapout t-shirt. :)

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  34. I really don't have a Zombie Killing Plan. I mean, I like to pretend that I could just shoot them all in the head, but I'm really not that good of a shot. I would get a couple, but I would also be out of ammo pretty quickly.

    - Jay

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  35. I'd go Bill Murray from zombie land, just blend in.

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  36. Frakking hilarious. I will have to share this with some of my students who have been working hard all year on how to survive the zombie apocalypse. (I'd rather they were doing work but hey...)

    As for me - I hope my zombies are the Shaun of the Dead variety. Oh the hilarity!

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  37. so originally i thought, what about one of those old timey tree rope traps with Paris Hilton in it, but that's the same as a TAPOUT shirt isn't it?... although, if i did it right i could hide behind her and as soon as she said "Zombies are so hot" i could skull fuck them both with a shot gun and do the world two favors.

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  38. Zombies must be a guy thing.
    I have not seen many zombie movies, but to me, unless you're dealing with one of those agile, bloodborne illness varieties like in "28 Days Later" or "I Am Legend," then... Just go to the 2nd floor and wait it out.

    I assume chicks don't get into zombies because vampires are their undead species of choice.

    Still, if I ever face down zombies, the hanging-a-genius-off-a-cliff method seems like a fantastic way to go...

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  39. I would run an endless loop of Tea Party speeches. The zombies will immediately conclude that there won't be any brains in the vicinity.

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  40. It depends; are they fast zombies or slow zombies? Because honestly, slow zombies don't seem that hard to fight.
    Now, for fast zombies. . . I'd have to pull out my squirrel minions.

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  41. Not only was this awesome, it was educational! It was AWESOCATIONAL! (If that wasn't a word before, it sure as hell is now!)

    I must be a traitor to my sex, but I prefer zombies to vampires. Sure, they want to eat you, but they've got much better personalities.

    Think about it - if you were walking in a dark alley, because that's the sort of thing I do ALL the time, who would you rather meet? A cold, heartless, bloodsucking vampire who, with all of it's oozing sexuality will probably rape your bloodless carcass? Or a warm, dumb (and thus easily tricked) non-sexual zombie?

    Personally, give me the zombie.

    Anyway, thanks for the awesocational advice. This will undoubtedly be useful in the next zombie apocalypse. Which I think is next week. I could be wrong.

    :)

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  42. This makes me very excited to read your upcoming book! I love horror-related things, including zombies. Hope your book is out soon. Gosh, you guys are so good with illustrations!

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  43. Hmm. For me a good flaming Armour-piercing arrow aimed at a barrel of nitroglycerin with Kate Ashfield's panties on top of it. Looks like I'll be seeing you down under as well. It isn't fair that you guys are this hilarious.

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  44. Gimme a samurai sword, a broken beer bottle and a licorice rope and I'm good to kill some zombies!

    Although the ice cream truck works too!

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  45. i hope you guys aren't planning on crow-barring zombies into the works of jane austen. because it has already been done.

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  46. Just as I started to laugh, I read the hell bit. It sure was hard fighting down those chuckles.
    BTW, I'd camouflage myself as well. Zombies won't eat vampires, right?

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  47. I was well on my way to hell already so I'll join you guys.

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  48. Personally I'd go for running over zombies. Although I have to find the right hardware for it. I heard there a some places where surplus military hardware was for sale.

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  49. I'm all good. No laughter here.
    I did almost chuckle. But only almost.

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  50. I have no idea wtf was going on; but i enjoyed every moment of it.

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  51. Hum. That was... interesting.

    I wouldn't mind taking on zombies from a rooftop with a sniper rifle and plenty of ammo.

    Flying over and dropping napalm would be good too.

    Distance, the key is distance. ;)

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  52. If only I could paint them first...

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  53. Gawd I hate Tapout gear. Zombies I don't mind so much, but Tapout gear drives me nuts.

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  54. Jersey Shore... Zing

    Come at me Bro... double zing :)

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  55. My favourite Zombie killing scene has to be in “Shaun of the Dead” when they are decapitating the Zombies with records -

    looking through Shaun's LPs for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies
    Ed: 'Purple Rain'?
    Shaun: No.
    Ed: 'Sign o' the Times'?
    Shaun: Definitely not.
    Ed: The 'Batman' soundtrack?
    Shaun: Throw it.
    Ed: 'Dire Straits'?
    Shaun: Throw it.
    Ed: Ooh, 'Stone Roses'.
    Shaun: Um, No.
    Ed: 'Second Coming'.
    Shaun: I like it!
    Ed: Ahhh! 'Sade'.
    Shaun: Yeah, but that's Liz's!
    Ed: Yeah, but she did dump you.
    Shaun: Oh!

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  56. FUCK I don't think they sell Tapout shirts in Scotland ... well that's ok maybe I can just dress up like a zombie bitch.

    - Ashley

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  57. What song would the ice cream truck play? Is it bad that I don't know anything about Tapout (I get zombie bitches with other tactics) but now I somehow JUST HATE THEM??

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  58. Make them laugh to death. If that doesn't work, go with one of your suggestions.

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  59. Ants would do a pretty good job i guess. The hard part is to get a billion trained ants.
    If i cant go that way, i guess i would get one of those huge harvesting machines and drive downtown like a pimp.

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  60. Hmmm... I would talk, non-stop, about absolute rubbish to these zombies. I'm pretty sure I would bore them into submission, eventually killing them slowly.

    It seems to work on the students I teach (who are zombie like most of the time), so it should work on the real thing.

    I would do pretty much anything for cupcakes too.

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  61. I love your Jersey Shore bit. I personally think that show is an insult to humankind. If anyone who likes that show would like to tell me why, please do so, for I find such a like utterly incomprehensible and would like to understand why it's still on.

    Also, I tend to find most zombie movies a bit boring, but I think that if they had more of the creativity you two have, I'd find them more entertaining.

    Thanks for all the enjoyable entertainment :)

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  62. Zombie rope trick-grin- awesome. :-)

    My biggest fear is that with the zombie apocalypse you'd have weird variant zombies.

    Obese mc Donalds zombies.
    Starbucks zombies.

    Mormon Zombies/Jehovah's witness zombies.

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  63. You all are just wrong...but it feels so right.

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  64. A buck twenty-five for a brainsicle? That's a friggin' bargain. There'll be a zombie surge on that truck. ;)

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  65. I love me some zombie bitches...but be careful when letting them sip on your meat straw cause they tend to get a bit toothy.....

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  66. "just make sure her bottom half hasn't been blown off by a shotgun... or its gonna get messy in the bedroom"!!! Seriously!!!!
    Freekin hilarious!

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  67. 5 words: Christian Audigier's Ed Hardy Collection

    BOO-YA ZOMBIE BITCHES

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  68. hahaha! i laughed so hard with that man in the wheelchair!

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