Monday, August 22, 2011

Worst. Party. Ever. (Part I)

        We've all been to some really good parties. Great music, great mood, great friends, and great drinks all making for a great time. But what about those dud parties? The ones where people just stand around like it's a middle school dance--awkward, unsure what to do. Or the ones where everyone's having fun and someone ruins it with a drunken fight--be it physical or verbal--and everyone's left with awkward silence for the rest of the night. Or how about when no one shows up, and you're left with two people you barely know, trying to drink a beer that just won't go down fast enough so you can utter your excuse about having to be somewhere else and slipping out?
         We've all been there, but some parties are worse than others. These are the worst parties we've ever been to.

        I'll start. This is me, as a teenager.


         Which is really weird, since as a teenager I didn't have much acne, and I certainly didn't have a mullet, or braces, and I've never worn glasses... I actually looked just about the same as I do now (thank you genetics), but I guess for today's blast from the past, it's more fun to visualize me this way.
         About 5-10 years ago, I got invited to a party by a few people I worked with. They seemed cool enough at work--didn't give a shit about what they were doing, were fun to joke around with, etc. I figured, hey, maybe it'll be fun.
        It was not.
        I should have known to leave the moment I showed up and everyone wanted to start with a prayer.








           Yes, that's right, it was a religious-themed party full of hardcore Christians that believed drinking was a sin. I tried to leave, but they insisted I stay, even if I had brought "the devil's drink" with me. It was gonna be a long night. Once the G-rated movies started and they were distracted, I broke free to scout out a snack. The party was a bust, but at least I could fill myself with some free food, right? Wrong. This proved to be no easy task. Apparently even eating is a sin.














           Who brings communion bread and grape juice to a party--I mean, really? At least if it was wine (as the Bible SAYS) I could have had a little fun.
            2 hours passed, and things were only getting worse. I finally decided to escape, but the host of the party was no help. I think she liked me.






              And from then on, whenever they asked me to another party, I was always busy. Always. And on that night, let me tell you, friends, I got SO much elbow.
              Stay tuned for Wednesday when Brandon tells about his worst party experience. And in the meanwhile, what's the worst party you've ever been to?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Feeling a little cannibalistic (I ate a LOT of Jesus)
Beer: Fat Tire
Shower: It's not a sin to drink beer in the shower, is it?

69 comments:

  1. I've actually never been to a real party :( But my friend gets up to a lot of parties, and sometimes they end up pretty weird. She told me once she woke up handcuffed and spooning a guy, and this guy is actually really weird with her. I'd consider it a bad party, but it wasn't one I was at.

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  2. I'm pretty sure Jesus likes Fat Tire.

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  3. Any party in Ireland that involved girls with chaperones and warm red lemonade.

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  4. I love how the guys shirt changes and gets gayer and gayer for god. lol. As far as I know, Jesus likes beer. A good 68% of the gardeners in my neighborhood are named Jesus and I always see them drinking on their breaks. But then again they drink Corona....

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  5. I love this post.

    Knowing you had acne makes me feel so much better.

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  6. The one where the cops came, and ruined the next six months.

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  7. "I think tonight she might show me her elbows"

    = comedy gold.

    I have no memories of bad parties, just less booze afterwards. I'm not invited back often.

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  8. If you are going to hang out with the God crowd, you have to go for the Catholics.
    The priests will be drunker than you, and for some reason there will always be young kids around to hang out with if things tank.

    Being a misanthrope, I'm not a big fan of parties in general. But if I did go to a party, I think I'd bring Keystone Light with me. Fat Tire is for cartoon partiers.

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  9. "God made beer so we could be happy" You can quote that.

    The worst party I ever went to? Can't really think of any because everyone I know was pretty wild! But there was this one time when we had to chase this girl I knew down the median on 120th St. because she and her boyfriend got into a fight and she was going to walk home drunk down one of the busiest streets in town! Pissed me off royally for harshing my buzz!

    And at least your night wasn't a total bust- you got elbow!

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  10. lol i was thinking of shaving a mullet the other day.

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  11. I went to many parties, back in the day, but my memory is shot, it being the Age of Aquarius and all. hahahahaha! Our parties nowadays are more about drinking and blowing into a breathalyzer you can order from Brookstone so you don't get behind the wheel inebriated.

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  12. I went to a New Year's Eve party with my parents after bailing on my friend (who was insisting that I cab to one side of the city, pick up a mutual friend, then cab to the OTHER side of the city to get to the party, just so this girl wouldn't have to cab alone. It's "dangerous," apparently [but only for her?]). Her party was full of drunk people I didn't know or didn't like, and after the cab fare I wouldn't be able to afford booze anyways.

    It was at the military base in the city, so I thought there would be younger servicemen. No dice. I was the youngest in the room by a good 20 years. So I got trashed with my parents and we all shouted "Happy New Years!" at different times 'cause there was no "official" clock.

    Happy New Year?

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  13. The real question is? where the heck did you work?!?! Judging by your partners you worked at a weird religious cult

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  14. I can't imagine that someone would invite you to this type of party and not tell you a little about it.
    Ray

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  15. I feel your pain, Bryan. Once I went to a party when I was a teenager that was REMARKABLY similar. The holy roller kids' idea of fun was to say we should go downtown to the movie theatre when the movie was OVER, to "witness" to the moviegoers as they left. That's when I high tailed it out of there.

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  16. Elbow how saucy!
    Worst party ever? Hmm...there was a birthday party once, I drove a quad-bike into a rosebush....OUCH. Then just recently at a fancy black tie party I sliced my foot open on glass...but the wine wave made me all forget about it. We know how to party in Ireland. Except that one time when I got stuck climbing a traffic light pretending to be a chicken sandwich....

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  17. I cannot ever remember any bad parties. There must have been some, but I just have no memory of them. I think this may well be because I was inebriated at all of them from the age of... ermmmm.... 12!
    Happy Days! Not much has changed.
    White Lightening Cider, Thunderbirds and strawberry 20:20 have a lot to answer for!

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  18. I have to admit those cough drops at first looked like Starburst candies and I thought ... 'This party has just gotten a whole lot better!' W.C.C.

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  19. bwaaahahahaha :) but this party must have been shite. do you still talk to them :P

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  20. PART 1?????? Holy hell, I can't wait to fid out what happens in Part 2!

    I've been to some bad parties, but this one may be the winner ... I'm not even going to try to compete ...

    Best;
    PMT
    http://thisthattheotherone.blogspot.com

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  21. Ever get invited to a "party", show up and discover that the host invited you to sell you Amway products? I'm all for passing a law that makes murder in this case a misdemeanor.

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  22. LOL! Went to one of those "Hi, I'm a thug and try to fit in with the "not so thug" crowd, so i invite them to a party, type of party. Then, their really thug friends that sneak out after they know the probation officer for their petty crimes are in bed and come over with their horrible choices of beer and liquor. The only cool thing about any of these parties is the so-called "vicious" pit bull that is scared of a squeaky toy, and then being extremely straight-forward about how my IQ and cool points just got lowered by even driving by.

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  23. I think you should start marketing some of those shirt slogans. They are brilliant.

    I have to admit, I always found the idea of 'eating the body of Christ' and 'drinking the blood of Christ' rather...screwed up so it's probably a good thing I've never been to church.

    P.S. I love the fact that your mood is cannabalistic.

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  24. Hey, at least you got invited to parties. I never knew there was a party until the next day when everyone came up to me and said "Dude, you should have been at that party last night!"

    It still hurts to think about it.

    -Jay

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  25. Haha, liked the mood.

    Out of context: so wrong.
    In context: hilarious.

    The party itself was fun but I definitely remember a recent birthday for a friend who was out of work. He opened the gifts and verbally commented on the gift prices before pocketing the checks immediately and tossing aside the cards...

    In front of all the guests. I Can understand his predicament but there was definitely an awkward silence.

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  26. been to some bad parties but never a jesus freak party lol!

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  27. ugggh, down with the bible thumper parties. at least you got to wash the jesus down with fat tire, lol

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  28. In college, near Valentines Day, one of the fraternities hosted a ‘lonely hearts’ party. They did this every year, and it was always a really good time.

    I had on a sexy little black dress, and red suede pumps, I looked pretty damned awesome (for a 20 year old woman with the body of a 13 year old boy…).

    It was FREEZING outside, but it was cool, we just ran through the backyards from my sorority house to the fraternity house (I swear, this is important).

    I walked in, *Hi’s, *Smiles, *Hugs, you know; schmooze.

    I hadn’t been there for 5 minutes when I realized there were a LOT of people who took the theme ‘lonely hearts’ a LITTLE too far; being a terrible combination of lonely, desperate, horny, and drunk. It’s cool, I can handle this, just let me find the guy from my chemistry lab I’ve been oogling, and everything will be fine.

    After a hour with no luck, I decided to give up, and move on.

    Drunk guy stumbles up to me-- “Hey, I know you *hiccup* You’re a cheer….”

    BARF.
    All over my damned feet.

    “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!??? UGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!” And I turned to leave.

    *Squish* Oh my god…there was vomit pooled in my shoes.

    I decided to leave. Immediately.

    I was just gonna take off my shoes, and sprint across the backyards again so my feet wouldn’t freeze.

    I walk outside---its started to sleet.
    FUUUUUUCK! Can’t be barefoot in sleet, even for a few seconds. And since the ground was wet, my heels would have sunk into the ground, so I had to take the long way home, on the sidewalks.

    4 blocks of getting pounded with freezing rain, artic gusts, with vomit squishing between my toes the entire way home…CLEARLY, my worst party.

    :) Jen (from the good girl) blog :)

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  29. The way I see it, beer was invented by Catholic monks to sustain them during Lent, and wine is the liquid of transubstantiation in the Catholic Church...so I'm pretty sure Jesus is perfectly fine with a delicious frosty cold one! :-)

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  30. Thanks for the follow.

    Hee hee, I love the teenage stereotype XD

    Worst party ever? Hmn, I don't think I really had something as bad as you. I'm usually such a awkward person that I avoid showing my presence to other people. Also, most people I know are extremely hyper and get creepy after listening to a few songs (yeh, I don't understand that either)

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  31. Haha! Too funny (and seriously awkward). I went to a party once where everything was pretty great EXCEPT for this one weird creeper. He latched onto me right away and I had the hardest time shaking him. He kept asking all these really personal questions like when the last time was that I wet the bed. I still don't know if my friends were playing some kind of prank on me with that guy...
    ~ Angela

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  32. I've been to so many bad parties, hard to choose the worst of them. The ones I always hated were the sausage fests! About 20 or so guys and just 2 girls! not my idea of fun. Love your guys work! Keep it up! Check out my latest http://psychoticfastfoodrants.blogspot.com/
    http://loadsofwork.blogspot.com/

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  33. I feel like everyone has had their share of bad parties. I've been to a bunch, but I think the worst was when I went to a "psychedelic dance party" and it ended up being 8 hippies standing in a circle pretending to play air guitars and air flutes. Got out of that one REAL quick!

    the Tsaritsa sez

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  34. The t-shirts are just too much xD

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  35. You guys are seriously the masters of Paint! The mullet is great. It even has a wind blown look. Nice.

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  36. Jesus swimming in Flat Tire. Sweet.

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  37. All the parties I ever went to were lame. Somehow I was ALWAYS the only girl In a room full of drunk guys. Not a good combo... learned my lesson real quick (well that and my brother taught me how to throw a punch). Sausage fests= Worst parties ever.

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  38. Dude, toast to that. these are my thoughts exactly.
    I stayed in a hostel and these freaks behave nice when they have some Jesus prayer meeting or something like that and the way they talk when they invite you to that meeting?
    The moment meeting is over and after you had pledged your time, money or labor, they unveil their bitchyness, gawd.
    And this water blushing to wine story - god I am pretty tired of it, so put the wine and also water to rest.
    BTB, I am a hindu and I have been asked many times to ask for forgiveness to Jesus for worshipping wrong gods till day. Gawd, I am too tired .
    These maggots need a bulldozer crunch.

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  39. Prayer before partying? Isn't that sort of like telling someone you're impotent right before putting the condom on?

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  40. Kind of sounds like my worst party ever when I got tricked into going to a Mormon concert under the auspices of it being a punk/skate concert. I was not converted when I was denied a Dr. Pepper.

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  41. Haha :-) Men. Beer. Shower. How funny.


    x
    http://emmaodettebarnett.com

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  42. Your comics are hilarious! I showed all my roommates, and one of them had a similar experience at a Mormon party but they made her pour out her beer and tried to convince her to stop drinking coffee. bummer.

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  43. Three frames of that are truly priceless. Ch'all need to be getting paid for this.

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  44. religious parties ain't that supposed to be what you've just experienced bryan hahaha! well atleast you've experienced the worst party evah.

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  45. lmbo! did this really happen?

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  46. "Yes, that's right, it was a religious-themed party full of hardcore Christians that believed drinking was a sin."
    Where I'm from, we call this a mass.

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  47. Sounds like a great party! Time for a reunion?

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  48. I've been to a couple snooze fests but this takes the cake LMFAO!

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  49. LOL, I love the teen picture. I had a shag haircut.... yikes!

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  50. Jesus loves booze, I am certain. the monks made it, jesus himself made it. what gives w/ these bangers?

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  51. I never went to parties, I was a true loser.

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  52. As an adult I've never been to a bad party, I did host one that turned into a complete disaster though. It was going well but my mate drank a bottle of vodka and knocked himself out on a wall. Things went downhill from there :/ anyway I'm new so someone take a look at my blog?
    http://themundanemadcap.blogspot.com/

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  53. Oh god that sounds terrible. Makes me glad I didn't go to too many parties back in Junior High.

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  54. come on, how can you give up bra strap for elbow? ;)

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  55. Wow.

    Just. Fucking. Wow.

    I've actually had nothing but bad experiences with house parties, and even a couple of official ones. I find simply going on outings with my friends, lookin' for trouble and up to no good, always guarantees a good night out.

    Stayin' mobile has always been the key to happiness for me, though it was easier when I was in Southern California. Strangely enough though, there were those nights when NOTHING was open at 3 a.m or even 1 a.m. and NOTHING was going down, so we either had to start our own trouble or simply call it a night.

    The best times is when shit goes down randomly, y'know? Like "WOAH DIDJA SEE THAT DUDE LETS GO CHECK IT OUT" and what-not.

    Strangely enough, only a couple of times has anyone ever suggested that we go to Las Vegas...mostly 'cuz all of us, females as well as males, were broke as a joke.

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  56. I have never laughed harder! What an awkward party.

    My family is loud, boisterous and some times obnoxious. This is not always a good thing. But, imagine my surprise when I found out that my in-laws are the exact opposite.

    In their defense, my in-laws are really wonderful people (no pun). They, however, are a quiet bunch, parties are filled with (awkward) extended periods of silence where this is the norm for them. I on the other hand feel (like running) it's my duty to fill this silence. The immediate family consists of 15 people, so every monthly birthday, anniversary etc is filled with (hearing crickets) laughs, love and most of all (long stares at the loud one) fun! ;)

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  57. u guys r awesome in funny :)
    luv it..

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  58. I was in high school, fresh or soph-aged. At BFF house, partying with her big brother and his friends. Lots of beer. I wanted more...boys wouldn't let me....and then suddenly one of them had one for me. Only it wasn't beer. apparently someone peed in the bottle and gave it to me. Fortunately (unfortunately?) I was drink enough that I chugged it, had no idea and when I found out, I didn't care. They gave me more beer after that.

    Everytime I think about it now, though, I get all gaggy. :)

    Not necessarily a bad party, but definitely a bad moment.

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  59. Funnily enough, the parties I generally consider to be good are the ones everyone else hates. And no booze? Didn't jesus say wine was his blood? And I'm sure you could make some connection with spirits and the holy spirits.

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  60. HAHA cough drops! Priceless shit. If only we could drop some palettes of skittles and grape juice in Africa, this world would be a better place.

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  61. My favorite part was that you ate a lot of jesus. That cracked me up.

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  62. I would have bet money, like real money, like maybe even a tenner, that this was a Mormon party. Until you got to the communion part and ate Jesus.

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  63. At least they were catholics, i have to deal with southern baptists, the dumbest of all denominations.

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  64. Personally, I think that some of the funniest girls happen to not be hot. Rachel Dratch is WAY funnier than say, Jessica Simpson. ;)

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  65. the worst party...crummy music [and they wouldn't change it], the WORST food and drink, and a load of awkwardness. not to mention the people on the dance floor who THOUGHT they were awesome, but looked like they were having seizures......

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