Friday, August 19, 2011

Things We've Learned at the Bar #38

Bryan and I would like to introduce a little section we'd like to call "Things We've Learned at the Bar." In case the name is confusing, it's dedicated to the stupid life lessons the two of us have picked up whilst punishing our livers in public.

Today we present #38 - It's hard to make friends at the bar.

Well, it is. Especially when the people trying to be your friend are these particular folks...

First, there will always be people that offer their advice, even if they're strongly unqualified to give it.









Gross.

Second, don't listen to one-uppers. They're just sad, lonely people that like to crash conversations so they can boost their ego.












Maybe the reason you're 40 and alone at a bar is because your personality sucks. Just a thought.

Third, don't listen to hipsters. Just don't. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Ever.









This one actually happened recently. Brandon encountered a hipster that swore publishing through a big house was 'overrated,' and that self-publishing his own crappy book of poetry and selling it online to his 100 Facebook friends was going to turn him into the next Hemingway.

Lastly, but certainly not least, stay away from the drunken bar slut. She's highly embarrassing, she smells like a dumpster, and she has diseases that eat other diseases for breakfast.


Who do you hate talking to at the bar?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Mood: Is drunk a mood?
Beer: Recycled Piss...aka PBR
Music: The Dresden Dolls

77 comments:

  1. I don't really hate talking to anyone at the bar. Might be the bars I pick but I kinda like the crazies...keeps things interesting. Wait...wait! I know who it is!

    I hate talking to the guy who doesn't understand when you refuse the free drink "token" (be it an upside down shot glass, bar coaster-whatever) he sends over because he's been licking his lips while staring at your tits all night. Then, as if that wasn't clear enough he comes over to where you are standing, talking to a friend, and starts grinding up against your ass even though the band is doing a sound check and there is really no music on. THEN, as if it is your fault and you were sending mixed signals (trust me I know when I'm sending signals) he calls me a bitch and stalks away to bad mouth me to his buddies. Yeah...that guy!!

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  2. I hate the "Bro's" that seem to have gotten lost on their way to the club and/or next potential date rape. For some reason they all seem to be DJ's and know all the "coolest" places. They generally come in two varieties: greasy hair Jersey Shore wannabe or Frat Boy. Beware of he with the popped collar, bewaaaaaaare.
    Looking forward to more, but in the meantime, back to my "rolling house of ideas" (that killed me).

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  3. All of those sounds terrible, dont know if I can top it :P

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  4. You cheered me up just in time for the weekend. Whooohooo!!!!

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  5. Hilarious as hell! I hate hipsters too. I hate it when you are talking to your friends about some new cool band you came across and some bastard hipster butts in the conversation and starts talking about his shitty Swedish neo-folk electro-hip-hop music.

    And I hate it when they start parading random unknown band names in front of you and start acting like they are superior. =__=

    Next time you come across a hipster, punch them.

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  6. Oh my god. You are guys are awesome, getting better everyday. Love the horror sorry humor

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  7. "You're a nurse? Wow, you must really like to take care of people....my __________ (insert: mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, fiance, wife, friend, dog) has this thing _________ (insert: cancer, diabetes, kidney disease, prostate issues, addiction, leprosy), you know what that is?"

    Ugh. I'm not at work when I'm at the bar people!

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  8. I used to bartend, so I've met dillholes of every kind.

    Fun fact: I actually did slice my hand open with a box cutter once and stitched it up myself with dental floss and an upholstery needle. Were there cocktails involved? Yes, yes there were.

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  9. I don't go to bars much but some things I have learnt from my few times there recently are "Don't run immediately after drinking", "Don't order too many shots at once or you will be forced to drink them there" and "No matter how bad you are at karaoke, if you get free shots, you'll do it". Sadly I did not do the karaoke, as I wasn't drunk enough. If a hipster bothers you at a bar maybe you should point out that the beer they're drinking is so mainstream, they're just giving money to the corporate giant and if they really want to drink, they should make their own. You could actually solve all your hipster in bars problem this way.

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  10. I went to the bar with my mom once to catch up after coming home from college. As we are sitting there, a guy comes right in between my mom and I. He starts talking to her and she introduces me as her son. He looks at me and turns back to my mom and continues to hit on her....I hate those guys.

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  11. The guys with the terrible pick up lines can go one of two ways: They deliver their line, realize it's awful, laugh at themselves, then introduce themselves properly. Those guys I don't mind.

    But it's the ones who think that I'm supposed to swoon over an idiotic one liner that make me crazy! I don't know what it is that makes me look like a moron.

    I ordered a Caesar once and was drinking it with a straw (faux pas, I know) and a guy walked up and started telling me how to properly drink my drink. ("You know, that's not how you drink a Caesar. You're supposed to stir it, then sip from the edge.") Uggggggh. It wasn't exactly the worst icebreaker, but it was totally irritating. So I turned around and said "Really? That's how? Good thing I've only been ordering them for years. This is how I like to drink it. And by the way, if you're trying to pick up a girl, it's probably not a good idea to insult her in the first sentence. Just a tip from me to you."

    He stammered something about how he wasn't trying to pull a line, then walked away.

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  12. LOL, you brought me back to my partying days at the bars. I have definitely experienced each of these especially the hipster. For some reason they seem to find me.

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  13. I hate talking to unattractive women that don't get the point.

    When you keep harassing me and I call you a "dumb gutter slut" that isn't me being coy or hard to get. I'm not trying to be funny. I legitimately find you repulsive and want you to leave me alone.

    It's rare but it happens.

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  14. Oh god. I laughed my ass off when that hobo came back and one more glass appeared in front of him.

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  15. LOL!! the one upper must be THE MOST ANNOYING kind!!!

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  16. I love reading both of your works but your story telling through animations make my day. Cheers to you for making me laugh today.

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  17. I travel a ton for work and spend an inordinate amount of time sitting by myself at bars. Hotels bars in particular you get the political loon. If the news is on TV its like they see it as entry point to lay out their entire political agenda. Lets make this perfectly clear, I never give a fuck about your politics, all you are doing is ruining my drinking.

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  18. uh yeah, i usually just start parties when im at the bar, then everyone has fun.

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  19. I like chatting with the bartender, they always have funny stories and if it's a slow hour they seem to like the company.

    Your rendition of a hipster is spot on. Self-publishing is where it's at!

    http://thetsaritsasez.com/2011/08/come-on-baby-light-my-fire.html

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  20. So, Mr. One-upper...we meet again. Definitely see them around.

    I don't think anyone likes the very drunk belligerent people very much. Usually, their friends calm him down and apologize for his behavior? That's not too bad,as people get drunk, I can understand that. It's worse though when you can see in the eyes of the friends that this happens more often than not and they're sick of covering for the person.

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  21. I hate talking to people at bars. I just go to get drunk. lol

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  22. I do not enjoy the company of loud and obnoxious drunks. If you can't have a few without embarrassing yourself and the number of unlucky fellows around you...it's probably best you just drink at home alone, or with friends willing to tolerate your unpleasant intoxicated state.

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  23. one-upping hipsters are the worst, "i heard about that band first"

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  24. I'm lucky. I haven't met any of those ones. Does that mean I am one of those? Crap. I know I'm not a hipster and I'm pretty sure I'm not a slut. Ye gods, that leaves stinky business man or one upper. I promise I'm not...

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  25. The desperate chameleons.
    The people who realize its ‘do or die’ time (or as I like to call it, FREEDOM!) and start to SUDDENLY understand you to the point of convincing themselves (in hopes of convincing you) that you’re soul mates.
    Everything you do, they have an absolute interest in, everything you like, they like, everywhere you’ve been, they wanna go (or have gone to). They think your hometown is ‘an awesome place’ (and mine’s only awesome if you wanna get stabbed…).
    It’s tiring.

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  26. Oh dear God ... The one-upper. There's one at EVERY bar. Or is it just the same guy, who seems to be everywhere?

    Regardless ... LOVED this.

    Best;
    PMT
    http://thisthattheotherone.blogspot.com

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  27. This is why I don't go to bars! Have had it with hispters though, as I live/work in Portland.

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  28. I try to get primed up as much as I can before going to a bar. I hate showing up at a bar and people are shit-face drunk already while you are barely buzzed. Then they approach you with their drunken nonsense and breath that smells like dog shit, hanging on you and telling their bullshit stories. All the while, thinking to myself, "I don't give a flying fuck about you so why are you even talking to me?" They don't even comprehend the fact that you just called them a dickhead to their face! It's the drunk idiots I can't stand!

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  29. Great post it made me laugh!!! However..... I wrote a waaaay better one just the other day that made peoples faces explode with laughter... just sayin.

    Sincerely,
    Just another one-up commenter

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  30. By frame 4, I was already cracking up...

    You guys are too good.

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  31. This was sooooo hilarious! I laughed out loud! Love the urine juice comment. You know, with a little lemon wedge, it really isn't that bad.

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  32. lol angelfire. havent heard the term in a decade

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  33. I've read a countless number of your posts, and the BEER:30 sign still makes me laugh.

    I hate the guys at bars that decide to dirty dance with you before they even say hello. I mean, really?? Get off me already!!

    Kelly
    at http://myjoyproject.blogspot.com/

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  34. You can almost guarantee that any conversation I have at a bar will always end up in the question...

    'Have you ever fucked any of your students?'

    And I emphasise it being a conversation that ENDS with this question!

    I haven't by the way.
    Wouldn't be able to face them on Monday morning if they were crap in bed.

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  35. A rolling box of ideas, I'll have to file that away should I need to live in a dumpster some day.

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  36. I got to sports bars to watch my team when they're not playing on local TV. I hate it when some loudmouth douchenozzle tries winding me up about my team, and the more he talks, the more obvious it becomes that he doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.

    In this town, that's just about everyone.

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  37. I've met all these at one time or another. My reaction was to keep drinking. I have some regrets.

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  38. I once learned at a bar that display beds in bars exist, and provide a fun way to get kicked out of a bar

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  39. This always explains when a friend brings a new girlfriend/boyfriend to hang out and your first thought is "Whhhaaaa, how the shit did this happen." ....and then they say they met at a bar. "Got it."

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  40. I get along with almost everyone at bars, but once witnessed a couple of guys come in from the gym and start SLAMMING O'Doul's, one after the other. And after 2 hours, they were acting trashed. Those guys I disliked. What a couple of assholes.

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  41. I used to work in a nightclub and witnessed all manner of stupidity. I think I most hated the desperate assholes that used to run off the women that were there to have a good time and not get accosted. Bachelorette were also fairly ridiculous. I used to get tired of picking up women laying face down in goldfish bowls full of seabreeze's.

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  42. You guys just get more and more funny. I can see that fame is definitely going to your heads.

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  43. Waitaminute! You can SMELL herpes? Shit. I need to invest in a stronger perfume.

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  44. #2 was the worst by faaaar.
    Personally i hate to talk to anyone who looks like they're using hair gel. I dont know why but that screams douchebag.
    On an unrelated note, the hobo is my favorite character ever :D

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  45. Being a non-drinker, I only go to the bar for two reasons: to hang out with friends (why yes, I AM that dude who buys the rounds but never drinks) and to finish a fight.

    God I miss the good ol' days...

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  46. These are the exact reasons why I avoid bars like the plague.

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  47. Those characters are obnoxious. I'm glad that I'm way too cool to hang out in bars or get drunk like you.
    And yes, teetotal IS cool!

    Rattlebox

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  48. Great post.

    I always find the guy-who-wants-to-punch-people. I could be at a Lawn Bowls club and there would be an 80 year old man who wants to have a go.

    And I am allergic to being punched in the face; I start swelling up.

    swinginglikearustygate.blogspot.com

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  49. The to one-uppers are definitely the worst bar creatures.

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  50. I hate talking to anyone who is blatantly drunk and reeks of old stale cigarettes. Gross. Time to leave when that's what sits next to me.

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  51. thanks for the heads up. I too was thinking of making clothes out of garbage, recycling my piss, and self publishing my manifesto via facebook. But now you have set me straight, showing me the ridiculousness of it all. I thank you.

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  52. "Rolling house of ideas" Love it!!

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  53. Lol great post, the first one must be the worst. but the second one seems like such a douche, heck all of them seem like pricks lol.
    Anyway keep it up!

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  54. Damn why have I never thought of recycling my own urine? That would save me so much money on septic tank cleaning.

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  55. This literally made me laugh out loud. Your comics are unreal, great job!

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  56. LMBO!! u always make me laugh guys :)

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  57. This was hilarious :) Even at a company do I do not like to talk to strangers, don't really know what to talk about, everyone starts advising :(

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  58. Love this blog post! A really interesting read! Followed!

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  59. I hate the circle of guys that swarm around when you're trying to bust a move with your ladies on the dancefloor. Ive decided the best way to get rid of them, is to start a mosh pit. sometimes it goes over quite well.

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  60. That was funny as hell!!! seriously I hope u guys get the agent and the publisher you are looking for. Well done. I am posting u on blog. You have to be my guest blogger sometime, pleasseeeeeee.

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  61. Uhmm... what does herpes taste like again?

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  62. I love drunk chiks.
    If you combine some alcohol and a couple of bad decisions, magic happens! ;D

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  63. Hipsters are terrible people.. nuff said.

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  64. I used to bar tend so I've seen some crazy shit. The one's I hate are the guys who are all hammered and loud, thinking that being an asshole is funny. I'm a happy drunk! Great post by the way.

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  65. I am pretty surrreeee that I'm one of 'those' people that is best to avoid at a bar. I believe just this Friday I may or may not have dry humped a few random strangers' legs, grabbed the bartender on the crotch, crash tackled my friend and split her head open and demanded that all my drinks be red... even the beer. I'm not really allowed out much anymore...

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  66. I can't stand those cocky 43yo guys whop clearly still want to be 23yo. Watch out for them; they wear jean shorts, have long dyed-black hair, claim they are in a band (and have been in several over the years) and have a 20-year-old girlfriend. No matter who is around, he will openly talk about this girlfriend's insatiable sexual appetite and claim his d#ck is raw from just that morning. Anything you say to him about trips you've been on or people you've met, he will immediately come back with a story about himself that will reek of arrogance.

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  67. I like the rolling box of ideas guy. Sure, he'll smell of dead cats, but for whatever reason I tend to approach those sort of people when intoxicated.

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  68. lol.... that's so cooooooooooool!

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  69. she red-headed dude looked a lot like ur published friend that u posted a pic off a post ageeeeeeeeeeessssss ago.....
    umm, worst person would be someone so up themselves they need to take a snorkel just so they can breathe

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  70. GREAT STUFF..............LMAO!! =)

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