Friday, August 12, 2011

Pretend You're Rich (Like a Boss)

            So I've talked plenty about the asshole neighbors, namely, the crazy neighbor that hates me. The one that likes to annoy me and tries to out do me even though I really don't care. Well, it's no secret that I own a cherry red Mustang with a loud ass exhaust system, a lot of modifications, and 400 horsepower. It's always irked this particular neighbor. Well, to one-up me this last week, he entered mid life crisis mode and bought an old, 80's Porsche 911 (the slow one with only 217 horses), in the same cherry red color as my Mustang. I assure you it's not a coincidence, and I can promise you that it doesn't bother me. Especially if we should happen to line up at a streetlight some time in the future, which I'm kinda hoping for.
           Today's post isn't about his middle-aged antics, though, because frankly, I don't care what he drives, what he owns, what he does with his money, etc. But so many people, like this very guy, are so completely obsessed with trying to make other people believe they're rich--that they're better than everyone else.
            And me? Well, I'm not rich. Or better than anyone. But in the spirit of good fun, here's Bryan's top 3 ways to make people think you're rich.

1) Buy one nice set of clothes.




Unfortunately, the tuxedo t-shirt, monocle, and stick-on mustache won't do the trick.

You're gonna need something nice. So, instead of buying a lot of regular clothes, why not sink all of your money into one expensive outfit? For $500, you can put together a great rich-guy outfit... and then you can just wear it every single day.

In my case, when I was cleaning out the junk that my retardedly rich brother-in-law left behind in my storage room, I found an Armani suit, and it fit me like a glove. See this post.


That's right, if I wanted to look like a rich douchenozzle, I'd just wear that bad boy every day. To the grocery store. To Home Depot. At the pool. It doesn't matter where. Pretending to be rich isn't an attitude. It's a lifestyle.

2) Drive a very expensive luxury car.

Or, at least pretend you do. For example, as mentioned, my brother-in-law has left a lot of unwanted junk at my house. One of the things he left behind is his Lamborghini's glovebox crap.



Now, take everything out of that big leather folder, leave a couple of the goodies within scattered around the house, and suddenly you're the owner of a new Lamborghini.
 
"What's that?" your neighbor asks, as he sits down and picks up the 225 page novel sound system booklet that you strategically left on your coffee table. "Oh," you say, "silly me. I always leave my Lambo stuff lying around. I really should put it away. In my Lambo. Which I own."

Smooth.

Yeah, that's right, the maintenance manual is 35 pages, but the sound system manual is 225 pages. I don't have time to know about how engines work, I just need to be able to watch Cars 2 while I'm doing 200 mph.

Or, how about this? Your friends come over and want to watch a DVD, but you "accidentally" left this in the player.


"Oh, sorry, I was just watching my Lamborghini's navigation system DVD again. I wanna make sure I find what I'm looking for when I'm tearing up the open road. In my Lambo. Which is totally mine."

Double smooth.

Take it a step further, even. Buy an extra key. A Lamborghini costs well over $100,000, but just a key, according to Ebay, can be found for $80-100. Slap that bitch on your keychain, and voila, you're a genuine Lambo owner. Oh, and if anyone asks the inevitable question...


You have an answer prepared no matter what season of the year it is.

Winter:

Spring:

Summer:

Autumn:

Quadruple smooth.

3) Get good at photoshop.

This is for all you Facebook whores especially. Take the best picture you can find of a classy rich guy, such at this one (which is uber classy)...


And using the magic of photoshop, insert your face.


Oh, who's that classy stud? It's rainin' bitches (and money)!

But remember, you have to be GOOD at photoshop. Otherwise you'll just end up looking like a jackass.


So there you go, now you've got some great duds, a killer car, and the lifestyle to go with it. And with goods like this, they'll never be able to tell you're dead on the inside.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Feeling quite clever
Beer: Red Stripe
Shower: Not tonight, I'd rather swim in a tub of Monopoly money

88 comments:

  1. I knew that was the way I could finally get the Lambo I always wanted! I'm all over that!

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  2. A Lambo man can never be dead on the inside. Not that I know any.

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  3. that fat dude has got some abs!! lol. :P

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  4. Quality as always sir, going to go shopping for some threads.

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  5. I am really cracking up! I love the image of you wearing that suit to Home Depot. Love the stupid reasons to store the "LAMBO". Ugh! Can't stand that word! Thanks for the laughs. :)

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  6. Another good idea: DRIVING GLOVES!

    I was at a gas station a few weeks back and saw my dentist. Little Asian guy.

    He was filling up the tank on his Lotus while wearing a ball cap, shorts and driving gloves.

    And I thought, "I'd know that guy had money even without the car next to him because... I mean, I don't wear driving gloves to drive my 1978 fully carpeted van."

    Driving gloves, rich boy. Seriously.

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  7. I didn't know Lambo owners use "I, uh" a lot. I think you need to work on your smugness, and go "Well OBVIOUSLY..."

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  8. hahahahahaaha!! cant stop laughing at the fat kids "abs"!

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  9. Ha ha. What an obsessive neighbor. Love that six pack you got going on. ;) One should also photoshop them in different vacation points around the world, then invite the neighbor over for drinks and to look at your latest vacation album from Figi. ;)

    Heather From and Mommy Only Has 2 Hands!

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  10. I like the idea of seeming rich, now if I could just smell like cheese and money, I'd be set.

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  11. Sometimes we never really know who's rich and who's not! Nice article and blog!

    Duncan In Kuantan

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  12. sweet suit, you should rock that out to the bars and be like my cock is huge

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  13. Well you've got a head start on the whole thing what with your brother in law leaving those treasures behind for you. Also, conrgrats on being a Blog of Note!! I shall have a drink or 5 in your honor!

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  14. I refer to myself with the royal "we" all the time, does that work? Also, I make brie and caviar sandwiches, then leave it in the work refrigerator allowing it to go bad because I have so much cash, it aint a thing to me. Then I remember everyone makes the same or more than me so my ruse quickly becomes unraveled.

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  15. I think I dated this guy you created! He bragged and bragged about all kinds of stuff. He built his home 2 years ago, he had a classic muscle car in prime condition and had bucks in the bank. Once we met he was driving a beat up 1990 mini van and lived with his mother in that new house. And the money was a settlement from an accident on a job. He was creepy! But he thought he was just like your "guy". You guys are too friggen funny!

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  16. I am crecked up at the 'abs' pic.

    Got a feeling I'll keep coming back to look at that...every time I need cheering up.

    Also congrats on becoming a blog of note. First time I've seen one on there I'd like to follow and I'm already following it.

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  17. My ex likes to pretend he has money, which is really sad because at the same time he likes to tell me that the child support he pays is way to high... ya, tell that to the Jeep Commander and the BMW in the driveway of your brand newly renovated house.

    I should show him the Lambo info though, cuz taht's waaaay better that the convertible Beamer...

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  18. omg that fail pic is to fucking die for hilarious.

    your words, pretty funny ...but back to that pic.

    kidding puppy, you're to die for hilarious too.

    Speaking of Rich Boss -
    our boss has cancelled the Investment speaker slated to come help us with our 401k and ideas on how to survive this current ecomomic nightmare. why? so that we could have a different guest speaker, the artist responsible for the gawd awful art in our studio right now.

    ah, priorities of the rich and their lack of concerns for those that help them get that way.

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  19. that Lambo $80 ebay key idea is a good one....I'd be especially bad ass when I use it to open up boxes.

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  20. Could always build a Lambo kit car... all the flash of a Lambo, with a volkswagon engine! what's not to love?

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  21. Monocle ftw. We all know that you could dress in rags and eat ramen noodles everyday, but if you wear a monocle plus that hat, people will KNOW you are wealthy. Cmon lets be honest, it screams class, you insta become an aristocrat.

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  22. This had me cracking up. I'm enjoying this blog a lot. I started my own comedy blog and I was looking for other comedy blogs and after reading about 10 posts, I was hooked! My blog is called clevermixup.com

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  23. You also need a fake money roll. Works for me.
    And tell me, do your crazy neighbors know they're world famous?

    And did you know about Bert and Ernie?
    http://rcbenglishclass.blogspot.com/2011/08/why-would-we-care-if-bert-and-ernie.html

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  24. Fantastic tips. Personally any man coming at me with a monocle is getting laid...however a lambo..not helping his cause. What a puss. Money ain't everything...good taste in cars is!

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  25. Definitely wear the suit while standing in line at any fast food joint because that would be ace.

    Then photoshop yourself in the snazzy suit into various photos which you then, strategically, place said photos in very obvious places.

    Hilarious post as per usual. :)

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  26. I own like 6 nice suits, from good will.

    I'm totally getting on eBay to but a Lamborghini key. Awesome. Haha

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  27. moral of the story: don't act like your rich if you are not rich OR get really good at photoshop lol

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  28. Dude, holy shit you just made me actually laugh out loud...

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  29. Thank you for sharing the secrets with me. I love the idea of leaving a Lambo DVD in the player at all times, or perhaps a photoshopped homemade porno with yourself and Kim Kardashian. Because, you know, she loves rich guys.

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  30. Who needs photoshop when you can draw amazing abs with a sharpie! According to Strong Bad, the ladies will be "all up ons" after that. My wife just keeps taking away the sharpies.

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  31. This is so funny, but I could actually see somebody doing it. "In my Lambo, which I own." Best line ever.

    Check out my own blog at http://the-claire.blogspot.com

    I write crazy stuff like this, too. If you like this blog, you'll definitely enjoy mine.

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  32. I think you need to add the monacle the next time you wear the douchenozzle Armani suit. The rich-guy persona just isn't believable without it.

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  33. The guy who asks the "inevitable question" seems rich. Maybe you should walk around with a glass of wine and cigar all the time!

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  34. True true true story. A guy showed me his Lamborghini key-chain at a club one night. His breath was so rancid it melted my eyebrows and I had to make a run for it.

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  35. You look like million bucks in that suit.(the photo of urs)
    If you are rich, how do you escape from freaks asking money for lord, and ladies with charity booklets and the main daemon- IRS?
    Post tips for those well. May help me in future. ;-)

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  36. or you could just write a bunch of big fucking checks...

    who cares if they bounce...

    that is not illegal, is it?

    well mebee just a little...

    great post dude, i have so missed the slice of life that you two guys paint!

    lol...i needed to laugh and i alwasy do at both of youz guyzs posts!

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  37. So funny, much like girls with fake coach stuff. By some sunglasses with C's on them and you are automatically more awesome?

    -C
    http://nappypants2.blogspot.com/

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  38. You know, the monacle is also a necessity for appearing to be a rich douchebag. Oops, 100 years too late!

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  39. CONGRATS ON BEING CHOSEN A BLOG OF NOTE!!

    Steve
    Common Cents
    http://www.commoncts.blogspot.com

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  40. OMG, I am so lame I got so excited when I saw you got Blog of Noted. Congrats!
    Jess

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  41. CLASSIC!
    Love it..
    now, I just need to get my brother to marry some rich chick who is my size and leave rich people things at my house when he racks her off... Hmm... this may take some planning... ;)

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  42. Congrats guys on being BON'd. About time they actually picked a really awesome blog. Going to have to be quicker with getting my comments in now.

    Now I can can I knew them before they got famous and even then I thought they were hot (that Armani suit has me drooling)

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  43. *Now I can say... darn ipad typos lol

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  44. Thanks for making me realize I don't even know how to do "psuedo rich"..lol....great ideas should I ever need to fool the masses. Its so easy to spot the fake rich. They use the word "I" in every sentence and appear to be very picky. I love it when I find them rummaging through discount bins at Walmart!

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  45. That fat guy photo is such a thing! Wow, anyboody could recognize that as fake.

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  46. Don't look now Beer, but you just got some Blogspot lovin' as a Blog of Note. Congratulations!

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  47. ahahahaha!! U killed me. definitely getting the lambo key :p

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  48. Of course! Everybody knows that rich guys all look like the guy from the Monopoly game.

    Also, Red Stripe is so named because that's what it leaves in your shorts.

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  49. If that's you in the suit then damn you look pretty good in that suit. I don't think I could look any richer if I tried, because I look pretty damn poor, so poor that it is impossible for me to look rich.

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  50. whoa, what a realization. you got me there...

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  51. haha so funny...and pretty true!

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  52. I found this through blogs of note, congrats for making it!

    Feel free to share your outrage here:

    http://outragenumberone.blogspot.com/

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  53. It's all about keeping up with the Jones.

    Congratulations on your Blog of Note from; NFL Classifieds

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  54. The excuses for every season made me laugh so hard. You're adorable, Bryan, you really are.

    Not that I'm trying to stroke your ego, but that middle-aged flabby frat boy of a neighbor will never be able to compete with you. Mostly because he doesn't have an awesome blog with awesome comics.

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  55. This was hilarious and I wish I could draw the pictures for my blog post like you do (instead of uploading images) it adds that personal touch you know?

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  56. I absolutely loved this post!!! It made me laugh so hard and really made my night!!! Keep the good posts coming!

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  57. I just found you guys thanks to the Blogs of Note. And I hafta say, I love you guys already.

    My ex-boyfriend loved a beer in the shower, which is what made me click here to begin with. I never understood the fascination, but perhaps I'm the one in the wrong.

    I also quite love your awesome MSPaint drawings.. even though they were drawn with a clitoris.

    Cherie @ Refractions

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  58. nice blog guys, i needed the laugh!

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  59. Your blog is very interesting and imarks him Bmoaodfim I recommend you to my blog also teaches I let me recommend you about my blog also that teaches how to make money. I found an easy method that allows everyone make money for real! http://ineedmoney54654.blogspot.com

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  60. hah. i am surprised with that cute revelation.the moment i read it i was stuned...why not also make your own website and make it a lambo theme too...high five

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  61. found you via Blogs of Note. Your writing reminds me of another favorite, The Bitchy Waiter. you're both sarcastic and funny. congrats!

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  62. bwahahaha i love this! and yo look like daaaaaamn in that suit bro! haha love eht

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  63. I fucking love your belt buckle! That's the best status symbol of all.

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  64. Where can i get the belt buckle that u have now?...Its cool, man....By the way, visit my blog and follow it if u dun mind..

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  65. I think the real moral of the story here is find a rich brother in law and let(make) him store his stuff at your place. For maximum effectiveness he should be the same dimensions as yourself. If he questions why you're measuring him say something like "pff don't be gay dude" It won't make sense but it doesn't have to.

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  66. This blog is amusing :)
    You have a new follower.

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  67. Congrats on the Blogs of Note blobber thingie! I'm so impressed! I have a Blog of Noter on my blogroll, and they sometimes comment on my own site! I've touched the hand of the famous, and it tingled!

    My former nephew-in-law (what do you call someone who marries your niece?) once told me he bought a Lexus, Armani suits, and other trappings of wealth to give the impression his business was worthy of big-bucks contracts from potential customers, and that it was well worth the investment. He got filthy rich is little time, while I worked in a factory building truck tires. Appearing successful attracts the money of successful people.
    But so does cocaine, I suppose.
    Or Bank of America.
    Or Swiss bank accounts.
    Personally, I don't own a suit...

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  68. I don't need to pretend I'm rich, Boosh!

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  69. This is very funny and unique. I liked it alot, and you got a new follower. Keep up the good work
    MoTown(:

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  70. Awesome. Some good stuff around here. :)

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  71. Honestly that was really exciting!!! Those resources really helped me… So once again thank you so much…

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  72. haha good plan. i just found you guys, great blog!

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  73. Loved tip number 2, genius.

    Great Blog!

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  74. Spiffing tips old spice. I shall be sure to indulge myself with such fantasies after I've finished my diamond encrusted caviar.

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  75. holy moly you guys get alot of comments!! good job. only finally getting around to reading. i really like this! so suave Bryan!

    my favourite quotes: ' then just wear it every single day', 'pretending to be rich isn't an attitude. it's a lifestyle' and 'slap that bitch on your keychain, and voila'.

    love your work!

    - juliet x

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  76. After the first tip I laughed my ass off and thought of my own sister's actions being exactly the same. Cheers.

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