Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A Job By Any Other Name...

          As many of you know, Brandon and I are writers. We collaborate on novels, we write our own individual novels, we write short stories together, we write our own individual short stories, etc. The main goal is to get published under a big publishing house and become full time writers (and bloggers, of course).
        But what if we fail? What if our hopes and dreams are put into the woodchipper that is fate, and spat out into putrid, shredded scraps, where it's then pureed by the blender that is misfortune, fed to the morbidly obese cow that is life, and excreted onto each of our chests like the bullshit that it is?
        Well, then we'd have to get some jobs. Real jobs. And if that, sadly, should happen, we have a few plans.

        Me, for example (Bryan). I might become an Internet millionaire. According to all of these popups I keep seeing, there's nothing but sweet Internet gold out thar in cyberspace, and I want in.

I have it on authority that rich people like to use the word 'indubitably.'
       Actually, the picture above is just the THEORY of Internet millionaire. See, there's no such thing as free money on the Internet, no matter how much we wish it was true. This even includes an awful ad company that I shall not name (but rhymes with Froogle Madsense) that promises you money for advertising on your blog. Except that they cancel your account for "suspicious activity" (that they refuse to explain) one day before your first scheduled payout, and keep all of the money that you earned, meaning that they got a whole lot of free advertising out of you. Yep, this happened to us a while back. And to every other blogger I've seen who's used it long enough.
        So I'm gonna go ahead and scratch this one immediately off of the list, unless I want to sink all my money into sketchy online investments and end up like this...


        If that doesn't work out, perhaps I can get back to where I started out: the IT field. Sure, I won't be able to eat healthy, do my P90X anymore, or spend quality time with the wife because I'll be working 80+ hours, but at least I'll have a job. Who needs a washboard stomach and intercourse when you can have office donuts every morning?


          Or if office masturbation is still looked upon as a 'crime,' there's one last option, but this one is also iffy. As a guy who would like to think he's funny (it's subjective, I know), I could always be a stand up comedian. However, some of my jokes are a little offensive, and I have a feeling I'd get booed pretty quickly.

They didn't even get a chance to hear my God impersonation!

         
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Like Bryan just said, and as any stripper over the age of thirty will probably tell you, it’s always good to have a backup plan. Or any plan. And since I’ve always been an entrepreneur, my plans lean a little more toward the self-employed end of the spectrum.
For example, it’s never too late to follow the dream of my inner fifteen-year-old and become a full-time gigolo. Or is it? Now that I’m a little older I realize that the realistic clientele for the man-whoring trade probably isn’t a roomful of lascivious underwear models.



Yeah, let’s scratch that one. My soon-to-be-bride would probably disapprove strongly, with scissors. Hmm…let’s see. I’ve always thought I could bullshit my way through being a metaphysical guru. Having gone to college in Boulder and dated more hippies than Jerry Garcia, I’m sure I’ve got enough New Age wisdom to fill a whole incense urn. On second thought, all the bells, pan-flutes, harps, and generally shitty spiritually transcendental music that comes with the job would drive me nuts.

I guess that leaves me with my last option, which I think is really the most progressive: becoming a fair-trade pimp. You’ve heard of top-down management, but are you familiar with bottoms-up? I’m tired of seeing the working girl taken advantage of by the everyday John and the greedy pimps of yore. And so I propose to provide an equal-pay management service. Kind of like a booking agent, with a Glock. I sort of like the name Robbin’ Hood. What do you think?

Sure, we’re hellbound. But it’s all in good humor. And in that spirit, we’d like to stop and thank everyone who takes the time to read this blog. The stats (and comments) tell us there are quite a few of you, and we appreciate you all, even if we can’t keep laxative regularity with visiting each and every one of you. But we do it all for your entertainment, and we have a blast doing it. So if you have a friend with a sense of humor (if you’re the having-friends sort), tell them to come and check us out for a laugh, or to just make fun of our sophomoric cartoons.

Cheers!

-Bryan and Brandon

Mood: Wishing I was Morgan Freeman
Beer: Fat Tire
Music: The Sounds

45 comments:

  1. I'm now more ready to face the day, get my own baboon dropping catcher job, then come back to see what other good stuff you guys have come up with.

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  2. I'm attempting the "froogle madsense" route to internet millions right now, but haven't even earned enough to warrant a payment just yet.

    I'm looking forward to the day when they tell me I won't be getting it anyway... probably because I use the words fuck, asshole and shitbag a little too much on my blog.

    SD
    TheSimpleDude.com

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  3. Just love cuddling with you guys in bed and having a little giggle before turning out the lights....no not like that, on my iPad, and you are on top of the covers...
    Can't wait to tell everybody that I knew you before you became famous pimps..no authors, that's it

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  4. I'm thinking you both might have a shot at the pimp/gigolo thing it you work together....I know Brandon would never send Bryan out to a cannibal....unless it was really really funny!

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  5. It could be worse and you could end up in the security industry(sob).

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  6. Oh Beers! You make the funnies. :)

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  7. An independent company I know of used Froogle Madsense and almost had to cancel production on their game because their account was seized for ‘suspicious activity’. What a crock.

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  8. well you could be taking care of mentally insane adults like I do... *sigh*

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  9. jobs suck hairy balls. i'm so glad i don't have one. and now, i'm off to the pool to work on my tan & read a book. =)

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  10. i know how you can make a million dollars on the internet.

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  11. fat tire beer... well atleast it doesnt lie to ya about gaining weight. i want.

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  12. you guys are hilarious....if a cow was excreting its contents on my chest, I would at least make sure a glass table was between us.

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  13. thank God the whole job search thing is still a couple of years away. personally i think you'd make a great Morgan Freeman...but thats just me :)

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  14. hahahahaha pair of comedy geniuses you are.

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  15. The standup comedian might work.
    You're funny, and people love blackface comedy.

    But the internet... might even be a better plan. I have an email from a Nigerian prince who wants to, um... Never mind, I'll just forward you the email.

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  16. Easy, Ted Danson! You don't want to piss off Whoopie again. I think Morgan Freeman's off the table, but you could definitely pull off 'Robbin' Hood.' You're already whoring yourselves out to the publishers. How much different can a sweaty, cannibalistic she-beast be? You - it's what's for dinner! Nom.

    Ew. I just grossed myself out.

    http://jenbugblogs.wordpress.com/

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  17. I was able to hold down a job and still blog. That's probably because I got shitty hours and I'm even more of a shitty blogger. At least I can still mooch off people until I graduate from college.

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  18. You guys rock and you will hit the bigtime with your writing. I just know it. Love your blog, love your humor and love your artwork. And you like Heineken and Stella. That right there won me over!

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  19. I just want to know....when you're Big Shit starts and your great books are being turned into horrible movies, when you're doing blow off a hookers ass, when you're hobnobbing with the spray tan orange freaks and lunching at The Ivy....will you remember us then? Will you remember the little people who loved you just as you are now?

    yeah, I wouldn't either.

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  20. A "fair trade" pimp? Damn, this might undercut my Whore House Co-Op and my Penis/Vagina Credit Union.
    You can't sell blood anymore (too many idiots giving it away for free!) but you can still plasma.

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  21. I agree with @Bouncin' Barb - you both rock...though I do worry a little about your job ideas in this post. Well, not so much the jobs but the red feather on a pink hat?

    Also 'greedy pimps of yore' sounds hilarious.

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  22. Hey now. I have a friend who pulled in a whole .50 cents American on Google Adsense. So, SOME people are getting rich off of it.

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  23. You wanted to be a gigolo at 15??!

    I don't see you having a problem maintaining a job at writing. Very relateable stuff. Very personal. It's just GETTING that job. Wish I knew some handy advice! It's all madsense to me now. Perhaps you are better off not chasing that particular fairy. (I know you know to follow the green one.)

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  24. I love your blog! I keep coming back :)

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  25. Don't give up on your gigolo dreams so quickly!

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  26. I'm a sexually frustrated woman with 50p.

    Interested ?

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  27. I know how you can get a million.... hits on the internet........ Two Guys, One Blog and a cup!
    Insta-fame!!!!

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  28. I know when I become I millionaire, I'm going to have a tuxedo shirt as well! But it seems to me that the dollar bill thing is just an extra unnecessary step. You'd still need to light the bill with something. If only there was a more lavish lighter fluid... Are orphan tears flammable?
    +followed

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  29. Never give in!
    Shoulder to shoulder we will
    Fight, fight, fight!

    go Buffs!

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  30. "Who needs a washboard stomach and intercourse when you can have office donuts every morning?"

    I grew up in Silicon Valley. Every guy there needs to wear a shirt like this.

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  31. UGH, I've heard so many horror stories about Froogle, I don't even know why I still have it up.

    Of course if they DO pay out I'll just sink the money back into m'blogs...I dunno, we'll see.

    Me personally, I type like a wizard but am horribly pigeonholed into factory labor positions. I can only hope that I can somehow achieve Internets Immortality like, say...Bloodninja or something.

    So that future losers can look back at my work and say things like, "Damn, I wish I was as violent as That Bastard!" or whatever have you.

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  32. Well shit...you just rationalized away all my backup plans. Plus I thought I'd spend my youth working with kids and writing for shits and giggles only to turn like 40 then become a stripper/hooker...fuck me!

    http://accordingtojewels.com

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  33. Toast to adsense. I was so much furiated and made me wonder whether I was in America or not. "Invalid activity" and they wont tell me what activity it was or who did it and if they dont give me data how can they accuse me? And no one to respond or give answer more like "Talk to the hand"?!!!!!!!!
    IT is fallback plan? I thought I liked my IT job, you are making me think again...

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  34. "Who needs a washboard stomach and intercourse when you can have office donuts every morning?"

    May I suggest intercourse with the office donuts? Well, the jelly filled ones anyway. The best of both worlds! Indubitably.

    You're welcome.

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  35. i love u guys so much! ur posts always crack me up! Aint froogle madsense a bitch? :(

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  36. On your normal days, you make me giggle. On your best days, you guys make me laugh AND applaud. The writing was really great today. I loved it.

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  37. Research has shown that the most successful gigolos are actually blind. If that isn't a sign, I don't know what is. 'Nice chick! Too bad I can't see her!'

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  38. I wanna hear the god impersonation!!! Oh, how I missed this blog! :) I'm glad to be back! Great to see you guys are still at it even for free!

    Yay for large corporations screwing little people over!!!

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  39. I love your blog. You boys make my day. I am trying to get rich writing as well but if it doesn't pan out, I have to get a real job. Yikes, I have been laid off for 3 years and don't want to go back to a cubicle.

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  40. Ouch, too bad about the Google AdSense thing. I hope it doesn't happen with my blog. :(

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  41. http://hanimansor01.blogspot.com/
    =='follow me . keep in touch

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  42. Stumbling upon you guys was the best serendipitous event of, at least, the day. I, too, am jobless and see no light at the end of the tunnel any time soon. Thanks for making me feel less lonely out in no man's (or woman's) land. Cheers for the chuckles!

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  43. Mood: Impressed with the content and busting out laughing.

    Beer: Stella

    Music: Trombone Shorty

    Excellent blog!

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  44. u made an error in the comic...The hobo should say"Fuck you,comapny's name that rhymes with froogle madsense" :P

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