Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The Idiot's Guide to Fighting

          If, like us, you pretty much live at the bar, or if even if you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, there are always people who are going to want to start trouble and fight you. We all know how it happens...


(His girl)



             Stating the obvious just got you into a fight, so what do you do? Thankfully, here at A Beer for the Shower, we happen to have numerous practical solutions for emerging the victor in a bar brawl. *

*A Beer for the Shower is not liable for any bruising, injury, broken bones, vomiting, diarrhea, or death resulting from these tutorials.


1) Feign illness or death.

Personally, I prefer illness. Otherwise, if you're dead, they're going to want proof, as in no breathing. That's too hard to fake. But an epileptic seizure? You'd better believe I can fake one of those!





And the Academy Award goes to...
Sure, you won't be impressing anyone with your machismo, but you also won't have to nurse any black eyes the next day. Now, if you DO want machismo...


2. Kick them right in the spine.

What? This isn't man to man fisticuffs where everyone celebrates with a cup of tea and a crumpet...


...this is fighting! There are no rules, so why not just get things over with with one swift, nerve damaging, life-ending kick?







If you read that using the Stephen Hawking computer voice, the hilarity doubles. And your manliness just tripled. Let's see if Mr. Tough Guy wants to pick any more fights now that he has to move by breathing into a straw.


So, since Bryan has pretty much laid out proper fight strategy, I’m going to focus on a slightly different way to earn you an unfair advantage. Specifically, one article of clothing that will put an end to your days of perpetual beatings and public humilitation. Batman calls it a utility belt. Cosmopolitan calls it a functional accessory. I say, can’t it be both? I proudly present to you the ever-handy, tactically chic, homemade vigilante belt.











 Fortunately, the aerosol spraycan/Bic lighter combo eventually takes everyone down. Eventually, fire always wins...like herpes.


Cheers and stay classy, friends,

Bryan and Brandon

Mood: Ready to fight anyone
Beer: Newcastle
Music: Arctic Monkeys/Two Door Cinema Club
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65 comments:

  1. I usually just distract the men that want to fight me by adjusting my cleavage. Seems to difuse the situation.

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  2. cool and I am first for a change hehe

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  4. feck, typo's. You boys are on yer way to hell for the one about Stephen Hawking you know. I'm goin' to the Pope on me kness on yer behalf...

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  5. I want my own home made utility belt now. I have cats, and I have aerosol. I can do it!

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  6. I actually just started working on something regarding getting into fights, because my wife called me a weenie and questioned my ability to defend her honor if needed.

    You guys always seem to be on the same page as me.

    In conclusion, great post.

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  7. Utility suspenders? HA. HA.

    I, personally, prefer 32D bras.

    I mean, DUDE. That's like, TWO awesome storage places.

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  9. I enjoyed reading your post today. Though, I don't think it's called the Sciatica but whatever. Keep writing guys!

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  10. Lemons kinda stole my comment. I was gonna suggest a utility bra for women.

    I could fit a small bomb in mine.

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  11. You're like the ghetto batman! lol.

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  12. Brandon's point about fire reminded me of something I learned in my own life.

    A nutritionist with an obsession about bacteria and e. coli once told me "Cooking kills anything."

    I try to apply that to my problems.
    If you cook it, it WILL die.

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  13. LOL some badass tips here what about le old groin kick >.<

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  14. Pepper spray is so yesterday? And do guys have to wear cup to avoid groin attacks to bars as well not just playground?

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  15. Your comments hate my work computer. Guess that's a clue not to try to read you while I should be doing my job.

    I don't remember what I wrote, I'm sure it was hilarious. Don't believe me? You want to take this outside?

    You talkin' to me?

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  16. :D haha i will kick someone in the spine :D

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  17. LMFAO! Thanks for the laugh, I really needed it. ;)

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  18. whose the first guy? steve jobs?

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  19. I accidentally deleted your comment on my blog post =__= I think I'm high or something. I clicked "delete" rather than "publish"

    As soon as I started reading this blog post, I knew I just HAD TO link to this video from Whitnail & I:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5wPcXByfY8
    (watch from 2:07 till the end)

    It's a lot like Bryan's epilepsy attack, except using a heart condition instead and then running away XD

    And after using cat piss, I doubt you will need a flame-thrower =)
    Cat piss can get rid of ANYTHING

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  20. i wish you did walk around with a balloon filled with cat and human urine, that would be great.

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  21. I named my cat Molotov so that when I toss the urine bomb I can call it a Molotov Cocktail. Thanks for the tips, but I already learned everything I need to know about fighting from one episode of Doogie Howser.

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  22. Bruce would be proud.

    Once in 8th grade this girl thought I was "mad dogging" her so she asked me if I wanted to "start something." She was big, ugly and scary so I said no and kinda, sorta...ran away. I still maintain I made the right decision.

    ~ Angela
    grahamandangela.blogspot.com

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  23. Newcastle is a damn fine beer... damn fine

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  24. I killed a spider with the BIC flame thrower just the other day. Words of wisdom from your grandma.

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  25. Fighting and adjusting cleavage has always been one of my better maneuvers... I'v been accused of fighting LIKE a girl when in reality, I LIKE fighting girls... for the above stated reason...

    ~shoes~

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  26. faking seizures is a good tactic. Me? I just get naked.

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  27. dirtycowgirl I misread your comment as being able to fit a small boob in there rather than bomb. My confusion was pretty intense.

    I try to do anything I can to avoid fights, they just never result in anything positive. At hte very least you might not be able to visit that bar again, which sucks. Faking a seizure could be handy in many situations, jury duty, house work etc.

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  28. After reading the comments, and being a colossal pussy, I'm just going to bars in drag.
    Is a "Utility Fanny-Pack" out of the question? Then again, I always have my Chinese Gymnastics Bodyguard Team.

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  29. I underweigh ANYONE that would ever try to throw a punch at me...and no matter antagonistic I may or may not be, standing infront of a judge, I'm still only going to be a 95 pound girl. And I will wear my long blonde curly wig, lots of pink, and make you look like a monster. :)

    Good thing I've never been in a physical fight. I'm a dirty sneaky fighter...like stealing my neighbors shoes because he levaes the dirty, smelly and RIGHT at the bottom of the stairs (I've fallen twice). Or squirting ketchup all over his door knob when he leaves his trash at the bottom of the steps.

    ALSO! I spent this morning cleaning in my boxies to some Artic Monkeys!

    :)
    Jen

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  30. I have been sitting here for the last couple of minutes trying to figure out how you managed to get cat piss into a balloon. I think that says so much about me.

    As for fights, I feign vapid stupidity and then say something relatively bizarre in attempts to diffuse the situation. If that fails, and it normally does, I run. And then hide.

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  31. After working as a bouncer during college, I learned that the guys aren't as likely to fight as the girls. Dudes just want to look cool but will take any reason whatsoever to give up on the endeavor. You could whip out a paper clip most of the time and they'd knock it off.

    Women however, are another story. When they say they are going to fight, they're gonna fight. No chest bowing, nothing. They're gonna throw down.

    And cat piss? That just makes em angry.

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  33. Thought your piece on fighting was funny. Really enjoyed the part about the guy with a garage full of useless shit. Had to type in anonymous because it says my account doesn't have access to view the page.

    JMB8572006@yahoo.com

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  34. You men LOVE gadgets! But, I have to say, a utility belt! Oh wow! Amazing! I'm definitely getting one for work!

    'You wanna fight? Fight me' would go down a treat with 15 year olds. Just need to hitch up my shirt a little, give them a peak of my utility belt and I reckon they would soon stop!

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  35. I would fake an illness to get out of a fight. I am a wimp, lol.

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  36. A balloon with cat piss? Brilliant idea.

    Although would hate to catch friendly fire from a pre-mature detonation.

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  37. Faking a seizure is a much better idea than dropping to your knees and begging for your life. Much more dignified too.

    - Jay

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  38. As a hobo told me once, it's always good to carry around a screwdriver in your pocket, you never know when you gonna need it.

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  39. Reminds me of a time where my older brother had me pinned down so I said "Hey look, it's mom!" When he turned I struck and busted his nose! Tha good ol' days!

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  40. What if I read what the wheelchair man said in a Conan the Barbarian voice? Does my awesome-meter just explode? Or implode? OR BOTH?

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  41. Good ideas, dudes, but I like Mynx's better. 'Course, I doubt it would work for you.

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  42. I must be getting old because just the picture of the kick to the spine hurt my back. I tripled my manliness (previously at zero) because I absolutely read that quote bubble with Stephen Hawkins voice. I kick ass...or spine as it were. Sweet tips, guys,

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  43. Haha Now I know if I'm ever in a bar fight I'll be prepared. I kick my sister in the spine like 3 times a day!

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  44. Im a Jewjitsu black belt so i got this. Im kinda concerned about the spray + lighter combo, it a potential hazard to my majestic beard.

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  45. You forgot to add: "Act like you have two personalities that are talking to each other."
    I swear I practiced this when I was younger.
    "Let's kick his ass!"
    "No, he'll hurt us!"
    "What? That pussy? No way, let's kick his nuts in and hold his eyes open while we spit in them!"
    "Quiet! He can hear you!"
    "Fuck him, I'm going to punch him in the happysacks."
    And so on and so on until hopefully they walk away or you feel it proper to strike and run.

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  46. If I ever need to cat piss bomb somebody in a bar, I really hope it is for something/someone more exciting than the "oink gurl." Otherwise, it would be such a waste of a perfectly good feline urine grenade. Creative use of household items for sure. Funny post!

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  47. I'll take suspenders. I don't want my ass kicking gear to stop my snacking!

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  48. But...what if I don't have my own manliness to begin with? How can it triple? ;)

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  49. On second thought, don't answer that.

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  50. I'll take the faka seisure bit, my hand to hand combat skills are a lit'l faye

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  52. at 3:30 a.m., you two make this all worth while, thank you. The whole Pope thing, it's going to cost me money. Gettin' on me knees only got ya as far as purgatory

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  53. Now THAT'S funny... until it happens to you. When a guy catches me looking at his lady, I always tell him I'm a priest and how she would make one hell of a choir girl...

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  54. Lol. Though in reality, I bet Hawkings wheelchair is equipped with rockets and flamethrowers so he'd probably be hard to beat in a fight.

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  55. Strangely enough, I got into a fight with my neighbour trying to get his cat to piss in a balloon...

    Who's weird now?

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  56. I like the spine kicking option, if only to giggle at Microsoft Sam struggling to sound even vaguely human.

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  57. i like that you tagged this with "stephen hawking chair"

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  58. "Holy Crap is he dead?" :) You guys always make me laugh!

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  60. Ha! Oh how missed being here... Could have used these tips during the recent hurricane! ;)

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  61. Ha ha! You guys should post a version of this for the ladies! =)

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  62. lol. first comment about cleavage had me in stitches. These tips are invaluable. Thanks, Guys. *wink*

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  63. I'm off to look on ebay for a utility belt.

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  64. I. Need. Utility. Suspenders! Pronto!

    Also just back from the hospital with an super awesome dosage of steroids...I hope I do not turn out like the blonde douche :(

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  65. Apparently my manliness just tripled, because I can't pass up the Stephen Hawking voice. (I feel the testosterone already.)
    misstapir.blogspot.com

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