Friday, August 5, 2011

The Garden of Death

         After some of Brandon's recent posts about moving, I see there's been a bit of confusion, for you see, my blogger friends, this blog is run by 2 people, and while Brandon was lucky enough to be movin' on up like the Jeffersons, I, Bryan, have not moved, and unfortunately do not have the means (or maybe I should say the money) to get out of this townhouse and escape the awful neighbors, i.e. the crazy asshole next door, his gross daughter, and the hooker that lives on the other side. No, I'm going to be here for a while, and while I'm here, I imagine you're going to hear a lot of fun stories about this place.
          So to change things up, I want to share something positive with you about this neighborhood.
          It's the HOA.
          And by positive, I mean, I want to hang them up like pinatas and beat them till the candy comes out.
          One of the things our HOA fee goes towards, in addition to helping feed the Nazi policies that keep this neighborhood as vanilla as possible (that applies to skin color too, folks), is lawn and garden upkeep. Instead of me having to slave away with a lawn mower and garden shears, they hire some professional gardeners a bunch of underpaid immigrants that don't give a shit to keep things in order.
           So let's take a tour of my garden, shall we?




First, the roses! Aren't they beautiful? I have a feeling some of the lady bloggers just swooned. Well, keep moving blogettes, because I'm married, but aren't these just lovely?

You may notice that some of them look decapitated. That's because...they are! These roses are never trimmed. What happens is the 'gardeners' just mow everything with a weedwacker... flowers included! So a lot of them just get decapitated! The ones that didn't withered away and died from never being properly cared for.

Why didn't I think of that? I've been pruning mine carefully with garden shears for years. So much wasted time.

Also, this is interesting, because they don't weedwack EVERYTHING...


Like the bushes! Those are just left to grow as they please, so they're all mangy and completely covered in spiderwebs!

Fun fact: if you look closely, you can see the family of spiders that's plotting to overtake my townhouse and cover me in annoyingly itchy bites.

But these masters of modern garden care don't just stop there, they also maintain the grass! Or... you know, what's left of it!


In case you were wondering, this is why I'm always joking about the crazy neighbor watering his yellow grass. Because a huge majority of it is yellow. And the rest, well...


Just doesn't exist anymore!

And now you can see why I keep my personal vegetable garden up on my balcony--so they can't decapitate them.


I only wish my kitty, who was outside this morning when they were trimming, was so lucky.


Speaking of which, the wife's hair needs trimming, so I'm gonna go grab my weedwacker. Stay tuned for next week's guest post from prison.

Stay classy, friends
Bryan

Mood: Ashamed
Beer: Asahi Dry
Shower: Much needed after visiting the gardeners today!

37 comments:

  1. Ohhh well, what to say? That garden looks like shit :( and to top it off you have spiders plotting something there. I dont know you, but im scared shitless of spiders.

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  2. I heartily advise using a weedwhacker to cut hair. As bad as your neighbours might be (or just creepy) without them your life would be a lot more boring. If I were you I'd launch a preemptive strike on the spiders, get that whore from across the way to go for them, either she defeats them and thinks she's closer to your pants (which she isn't) or the spiders kill her, either way, you win.

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  3. Not sure if its related but I had to laugh at the mood: ashamed. Of/for the garden?

    Although I can't say much. My lawn happens to be yellow too.

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  4. You shuld convince Brandon to change his name to something that doesn't start with the letter B.
    That would cut down on any confusion.

    Mark's thoughts in the comments, above, are good, too...
    I would pay good money to see Spiders vs. Neighborhood Whores.
    It would be like cockfighting or dogfighting, except no cosks or dogs would be injured. Just spiders and whores...

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  5. As much as I tried not to, I totally swooned. Twice. Damn those marital vows! *shakes fist* Damn them to hell!

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  6. Hey! I had the "movin' on up" thing with a picture of the Jefferson's on my last post! What is it they say abput great minds? Anyway, poor kitty!!

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  7. maybe those are urban crop circles in your yard?

    I appreciate the smelling of your cat's maow, almost if lit'l kitty has an accent.

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  8. That's an ugly ass garden my friend, start setting claymores.

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  9. Reminds me a lot of my cleaners in the halls at university, did far more harm than good.

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  10. In a way i feel sorry for you, but then again if you weren't there then we'd miss out on all the hilarious stories.

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  11. Oh no poor kitty. It looks a little like something from the Grudge.

    Beware the spiders when they start plotting. Seriously. There is a reason I never squish spiders (aside from Whitetails.

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  12. hahahahaha oh weed whacker

    you could consider the outside spiders at outside pets

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  13. don't worry, yellow grass is coming back in style

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  14. Maybe you can strategically get the grass to yellow in alphabet shapes so it'll say "water me"...

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  15. well thats one way to down a beer. right down the ol neck hole! lol.

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  16. loved the flowers. But lawn and cat and shower pics are crazy

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  17. My "lawn" consists of one potted plant. That's what you get for living in an overcrowded country with billions of people. There is, however, a park in our complex and it's lovely, so I can't complain.

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  18. My hubby and I lived in our last house for 19 years with no HOA and that was nice. The house we are now renting has HOA. Every time we get one little weed or the grass is more than a half an inch, we get "the letter". It appears that the HOA police is out all the time in our neighborhood.

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  19. OH SHIT SON, that's all exactly why I dislike Home Owners Associations...I have yet to see one that actually works outside of providing uninspired labor to illegal immigrants.

    No, seriously. I have yet to see any of them even go through a legit landscaping/groundskeeping business.

    And theeeen there's the whole "No, you must conform to these aesthetics" viewpoint. If I'm gonna install a gazebo and a spa outside (not that I've ever been able to afford either, but it's the principle of the matter) then I'm gonna, godammit!

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  20. I hate to say it, but that family of spiders is planning more than just itchy bites. There's a big white one named Brain in charge of all the small ones it calls its Pinkies. They're plotting to take over the world; they're just starting with your townhouse.

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  21. Holy cow. You have to pay for that shit? Your own garden looks so much better. Perhaps because you give a flying fuck ;)

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  22. HOAs are the worst thing ever. Who spends all that money on a house and then wants a nosy group of neighbors to tell you what you can and can't do.

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  23. I'd ask for a complete accounting...
    Sounds like you've got the HOA mafia taking care of common area maintenance--puts a whole new twist on getting "whacked."

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  24. I bet you could pee on your neighbor's lawn at night without him noticing... There are no yellow grass spots when the whole thing is yellow!

    Gotta take your small victories where you can.

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  25. Is yellow grass akin to yellow snow ?

    Bearing in mind the neighbours I wouldn't be too shocked to hear it was.

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  26. I did NOT look closely as the spider picture *shiver* and I am so sorry that you are stuck there...but kinda stoked as well since I'd hate to see the stories about crazy neighbors stop.

    I totally understand HOA as I'm in a condo...oh how I get it. ugh.

    PS...the dead/yellow grass is often caused from animal piss...aka dogs left to piss anywhere in the heat...the ph or whatever in their piss eats at the grass. Fun little fact for ya.

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  27. those roses make me wet. wait wut

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  28. Love the images. It sounds like my teenage son with a weedwacker. LOL He just wacks down anything in his way.

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  29. I'm not the least confused who is who, love you both and your stories about crazy neighbors. Good to see you patio plants are doing well. So is a weedwacker an American whipper snipper?

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  30. I agree with Todd Carr.... urban crop circles! Be prepared for someone to be beamed up.... hopefully just your neighbors!

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  31. Cool Blog- I will be back and often
    Please take a minute & visit my blog.(Ineed more followers)
    http://ismanthyhere.blogspot.com
    Thanks
    Mark

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  32. JewelsTurning30 is no more...I have a new blog over at WordPress and today's post tells you how to add it to your blogroll.
    I will keep a Google Account to follow blogger blogs and comment. You can find me now at

    http://accordingtojewels.com/

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  33. Speaking as a bloggette, those roses don't do shit for me, but that decapitated dude in the shower... well, mommy like.

    Also, I gave you guys an award.

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  34. It sounds like you need the services of Mrs B - while her gardening technique is not much better than your underpaid immigrants she works for cups of Tea. Also she currently has some spare capacity as we have started to employ real gardeners who actually know what they are doing so she is looking for plants to kill…...

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  35. youve got it all wrong, your supposed to use the chainsaw to cut hair, the weed wacker is for shaving... so, do you need help trimming your beard?

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  36. i've never actually seen grass that yellow

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