Monday, August 8, 2011

A Beer for the Big House

First off, a big thank you to Pickleope, who rammed us into a vat of vinegar and pickle-ized us into bite-size bar snacks over on his blog. Check it out here.
So, this morning while leafing through the Reader I came across a dinky advertisement for the blog of a prison inmate who somehow found himself on the business end of the judicial system’s raging boner. It’s a damn interesting blog about life on the inside, and legitimate as far as I can tell. But swing by and judge for yourself.
Anyhow, it got me and Bryan to thinking. What would life be like if we were stuck in the Big House, rooming with Bubba and lounging in our neon jammies? For me, the answer seemed obvious. Since I typically have trouble just lazing around (and an aversion to becoming a piece of prison ass), I’d probably go into business to garner myself some respect. Doing what, you ask? Why, I would become the Al Capone of Cell Block D.

That’s right, with just a bit of toilet water, a few sugar packets, a hunk of moldy bread, and some tender loving care…voila, the miracle of fermentation would turn me into a bona fide distiller of jail yard hooch. And by selling my craft concoctions to the prison population, I would become the burgeoning baron of booze.


             This would consequently allow me to hire some beefy bodyguards to keep my pretty face from becoming someone’s personal blow-up doll. That’s the plan, anyway. Just in case lighting bags of dogshit on fire and putting them on Stephenie Meyer’s doorstep ever becomes a felony.

--------------------------------------------

             As for me (Bryan), I'd employ another tactic. I'd join a gang, slowly climb my way up the social ladder, and become their leader. The question, then, would become which gang to choose. Sure, there are the Aryan gangs. The black gangs. The Mexican gangs. But that's so racial. The gang I would join has no racial prejudice.
             The drag queens.
             Roll your eyes, but these are some of the baddest bitches around. You ever mess with one? I know I wouldn't.



              The only problem I can foresee with this is what it would take to become a member of this gang.

 

           But as their king (or perhaps 'queen'), I will rule with an iron, French manicured fist. And a big ass shank.


        Or, maybe it's better that neither Brandon or I are in prison.

Stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Mood: Stabby
Music: Johnny Cash (Live at Folsom Prison)
Beer: Heineken

47 comments:

  1. I'm going to say staying out of prison is your best bet. But drag queen/mafia leader may work as well...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I suspect neither one of you would last 5 minutes. Stay cool, fool!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm mildly bi-curious, so yes, the drag queen esque Bryan is quite arousing. And LOL! at Brandon's second comic.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Heel shank... reasons why I will never survive in prison...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Heel shank..check...nail claws...check...bobby pin throwing star.....check!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ahhh Heineken. Yes it's best you both stay out of prison. I've drank prison hooch and while it knocks you on your ass, it's still not Heineken. And I don't think you'd like "girls" on a bad hair day. I hear they can turn on their queen! You are too funny.

    PS...I eyeball my measurements when I bake, so as for how many scoops for Rich, 4 just looked right!! haha.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sounds like you need to end up in a very open prison - well open minded at least... I liked what you tried to do with the Orange jump suit, you almost made it work…May I be bold enough to suggest that you try talking to some Dutch people, they have an natural affinity with orange

    ReplyDelete
  8. Very good drawn, i like them all.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm seeing a lot of shank usage in this blog, which in case you were wondering, I totally approve of. Keep it coming.

    Also, until the writing thing takes off, Bryan might want to look into a little female impersonation. He's working that bow/belly shirt combo like he owes it money.

    ReplyDelete
  10. When I was readinig Brandon's section, I misread "bona fide distiller of jail yard hooch" as "bona fide distiller of jail yard cooch"...

    (...or maybe my slang's just not good enough to know the difference between collequialisms...)

    Fortunately, Bryan's choice essentially WAS "bona fide distiller of jail yard cooch" so everybody wins!

    ReplyDelete
  11. First, thank you for the shoutout, you have provided us with so much entertainment, it's the least I could do to pay homage in pickle form.

    Second, I'd be doing mouth exercises because the turnaround time from mugshot to bitch would break your neck.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh I'm in love now... All you need to tell me is which prison you're planning on going to and I'm... your man! DAMN! First I had no choice but to suspect my buddy Steve Bailey of losing his favorite underwear to some rollerblading Batman-wanna-be and now we've got Bryan fantasizing about wearing makeup... I gotta have a drink now. Better make that a double.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I laughed so hard I choked a little. However disturbing this post may be it is always good to have plans available for any situation.

    On a side not I hope lighting bags of dog poop and placing it on that particular person's door never becomes a felony. (I can't even call her an author...)

    ReplyDelete
  14. A.) Another fine post you guys.
    2.) How the shit does someone get life in prison for loaning his car to someone who was aquitted of the crime in which the car was lent to commit???? I must investigate further, but I'll wait until I'm at work so I can get paid while doing it.

    Cheers!
    SF

    ReplyDelete
  15. Funny as usual... but that blog you linked was so sad, that guy got locked up for nothing! I have a friend in a similar situation, he lent his keys to a friend who ended up stabbing someone later that night, and got jailed for assisting the murder... arrg.

    ReplyDelete
  16. thank god you guys aren't actually going to prison lol

    ReplyDelete
  17. gurl....those shank heels are something FIERCE

    ReplyDelete
  18. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Both are pretty brilliant ideas and could definitely work.

    When you start your Hooch Distribution Services, remember to give away a few hits for free to some of the guys. Then, the ones who come back for more are the ones you start selling to and hire to be your sales guys. Just like drug dealers do. They'll respect your following their system.

    Jay

    ReplyDelete
  20. hahahaha it seems like you have everything figured out. Now go rob a bank or something, there's no fear to jail anymore.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I've never been to jail, but I've known a coupla bros back in the day who did quite a bit of time. Honestly it's easier to get in then it is to BE in, y'knowwhatImean?

    Still, it's better to have a plan then to go in with nothin'~!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Does this mean the title will be changing to Don't Drop Your Beer In The Shower ?

    I can't wait for new series of Oz featuring you guys.

    ReplyDelete
  23. apparently in some jails you have to fight someone as soon as you walk into the cell. i saw a documentary about it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I think, based on this post, that you both stay clear of jail...just for safeties sake! hehehe :)

    ReplyDelete
  25. Well, at least you have a backup plan ;)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Given the nasty taste and very real danger of death from drinking prison hooch, Bryan's plan might actually be the safer one.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Well, I wonder how many other people would leave prison better looking than when they entered?

    Made me think of science fiction author Peter Watts getting arrested a year or so ago. He's spoke pretty extensively about it, it's like the old HBO show, OZ, except that it's worse, and real. And the folks involved all but admitted that it was a huge mistake that got him in there, but they were going to prosecute him anyway.

    Anyway, I hope all is well.

    ReplyDelete
  28. That eye shadow makes you look cheap.... just sayin!

    and @RCB.... you loose one pair of underwear and everyone suspects the nearest creepy rollerblading superhero.... typical!

    ReplyDelete
  29. lmaooo u both seriously need to stay outta proson yo!

    ReplyDelete
  30. You guys are visionaries...me? I'd probably just curl up into a ball of fetalality and weep softly.

    Cheers!!

    Matt-Man

    ReplyDelete
  31. Ooh I completely forgot about the drag queen prison gangs!
    Lol, funny as always :P

    ReplyDelete
  32. thanks for entertaining me once again guys! i really enjoy reading your posts, and think that you should know that i read your new posts first before i click on any other blog!

    btw, this reminds me of johnny depp in before night falls! ( he plays a drag queen).

    - Juliet xxx

    ReplyDelete
  33. Drag queens ARE rather inventive. But there is the implication that certain sexual proclivities are endorsed by them. I imagine no more or less than any other gang in prison.

    ReplyDelete
  34. yeah, im not sure it works like that, you guys would be dead... but i have to admit, you have a great sense of imagination

    ReplyDelete
  35. I couldn't do jail. I would be the prison bitch, no doubt about it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. I think Brandon has the better idea here, Bryan's is good, but he picked the wrong gang. He's easily going to be passed around like currency. Although I think it is true that the transvestites to get treated the best, and part of the best plan to survive prison is to find the hardest person you can and submit to him for protection. Everyone who's in prison wants to be the guy who can get anything.

    ReplyDelete
  37. hahaha) that's really great :)

    ReplyDelete