Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Beat the Heat, Not the Meat

            We’ve officially moved into the new apartment. And I’m happy to report that it’s a step up from the last one, if only for the fact that this place doesn’t smell like mushroom spores (from the neighborhood idiots and their fire-hydrant amusement-park flooding the street). Also, this apartment building doesn’t have a troupe of roving homeless miscreants living in a minivan out front. Unfortunately, that also means that the new place is lacking a view of aforementioned van-dwelling hobos showering in aforementioned ghetto water-park…but you have to make sacrifices, I guess.
            So, despite the fact that my phone gets zero reception inside, the new place is great. It’s big, well-lit, and walking distance from some of the best restaurants and bars in Chicago. The only problem is, with those half dozen huge windows, we have no curtains yet. Which sucks, because it’s 100 scrotum-scalding degrees outside and we don’t have air conditioning. And despite the fact that I’d like nothing better than to walk around buck nekkid, I’d hate to be responsible for any rubbernecking pedestrians outside being flattened by a Cadillac because of my swinging noodle. My dong doesn’t need that kind of karma.
            So, barring indecent exposure, here are a few of the ways I’ve decided to try and beat the heat.

1. With a few slight modifications, I can turn my refrigerator into a one-man liferaft of frosty freedom.

2. I could install a turbo motor on the already stylishly badass ceiling fan in my office.  

3. When all else fails, I can always hang out with the transients in the public library and enjoy the free AC. 

            Or I could just break down and buy a new portable air-conditioner from Home Depot before my testicles melt off. Though, I’ll still be tempted to construct the Brew Canoe. That way even when the rapture doesn’t happen, like a belligerently soused Noah, I’ll still be able to float my alcoholic ark across Lake Michigan. And two bottles of every beer shall be herded aboard thine mighty vessel, and all that.
Cheers,
-brandon
Beer: Stella
Music: Johnny Cash

41 comments:

  1. instant Koch Karma is gonna get yah

    scrotum scalding :) hahah!

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  2. ...or jump in the shower until home depot delivers.

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  3. You should make the brew canoe anyway, seriously. I don't have any curtains either, and I can't open my window because a cat is going to jump out of it. I'm freakin melting here.

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  4. Make the brew canoe. They laughed at Noah too.

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  5. No curtains? Use aluminum foil! Srsly.

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  6. I imagine that even in this heat beatin the meat is a sweaty adventure. Get yourself an air conditioner. Or as bluzdud suggested, wrap yourself in aluminum foil.

    Oh? is that not what he meant? meh.

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  7. Lawd that sounds miserable.

    Bless your sweaty hearts.

    I say go for cold showers and a sarong.

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  8. It sounds gross, but, ice packs under the armpits work. There's also using a lightsaber to cut open your Tauntaun and nestle in its guts...crap, that's only if it's cold out. I'm told if you open a Coors Light, suddenly a train will rocket through your apartment and it will be bikini-snow-land hybrid thing type paradise.

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  9. Cold bath, with beer listening to JC, that sounds like a plan!

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  10. No air conditioning? Hang in there man... maybe you can take a quick trip back to your old place and have a quick run around the fire hydrant with hobo friends!

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  11. The Brew Canoe is a great idea anytime of year.

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  12. I'm with @Zombie - turbo drive on the fan...just because I can imagine the hijinks that could occur.

    Though brew canoe does have a nice ring to it.

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  13. Beer canoe, or buy a chest freezer so you can beer canoe extra chilly style.

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  14. I sweated like a mofo just reading about your heat. Thanks. You owe me a cold beer.

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  15. i vote portable air conditioner haha. now you don't have to deal with that fake boob neighbor chick haha

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  16. Put your underwear in the freezer for an hour before you put it on.

    And if that doesn't work at least your noodle will have shrunk sufficiently that you can walk around nikkid without causing offence.

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  17. Noodle Karma...who woulda thunk it. Well, glad you decided against something so distracting. I am all for the Brew Canoe...great idea. That fan...um jealous! Good luck beating the heat and congrats on the new place.

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  18. As a fellow Chicagoan without A/C either, I'd claim you eventually get used to it... but you really don't.

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  19. Way to go on your upgrade! Sounds like your last pad is like my current one, sans my free internet and satellite connection. Dong Karma, hahahaha!

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  20. I think a puff on the crack pipe improves all stories. :)

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  21. which one was mcgonagal? cause if it's emma thompson, that's blasphemy!

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  22. Happy housewarming! I didn't put up curtains in one of my NYC apartments for several months, but then again, I lived in a mostly gay neighborhood, so I don't think anyone noticed.

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  23. I have instructions for a homemade AC. All you need is a cooler, a hose and a fan.

    Eblogger doesn't allow me to post images, but you're more than welcome to email me and I can send you it.

    Warning though, I've never tried it before and I have no idea if it works or not. :P

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  24. Pack your armpits and groin with ice, at least you can use underwear to hold some of the ice on, and then from the outside it might just look like you're running around your new digs in a speedo...or something...

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  25. Newspaper + tape on windows. Neighbours will think you run a meth lab but who cares. You are master of your domain and you shall walk around nekkid if you want to hahaha

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  26. I would gladly pay for a brew canoe ride across Lake Michigan. I think you just turned ball-melting heat into a business venture. Congratulations.

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  27. So... No more creepy neighbor watering his yellow lawn?

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  28. Make sure you don't have one of those lead lined fridgerators. That could end poorly when you do finally set sail.

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  29. Y'know I've had this fifteen dollar air conditioner from friggin' Walgreens (or Rite Aid) for the past four years now and it rarely fails to work out well for me.

    Just a tiny little air conditioner, well-placed, can make all the difference y'knkowwhatImean?

    They've also got bigger ones at, say, Kmart or Walmart that still deliver for the price you pay.

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  30. I think you should get the portable air conditioner unit. Spare your new neighbors the peep show, tee hee!

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  31. I think I'd hit one of those Chicago bar-at-every-corner places. Then again, it may be cheaper to invest in a/c. ;)

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  32. I am not suffering with any heat like the rest of the country (yay Seattle weather!!) but I want a brew canoe now. With enough vodka/sodas, I just might convince myself that it's a really good idea.

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  33. build a house on water. Open the fridge

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  34. Turbo fan, go! lol. +follow for developments

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  35. S.S frigidaire looks as if it would be just as damaging to your scrotum to be honest.

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  36. i really enjoyed the joke about the beer at the end pretty funny

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  37. Welcome to my shop tour: http://www.mulberryoutletfactorys.com

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  38. that was funni!
    well, in some ways ur lukki, here in the UK we just freeze our arses off 24/7
    soon as it hits 20*C people are throwing BBQs

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