Beat the Heat, Not the Meat

            We’ve officially moved into the new apartment. And I’m happy to report that it’s a step up from the last one, if only for the fact that this place doesn’t smell like mushroom spores (from the neighborhood idiots and their fire-hydrant amusement-park flooding the street). Also, this apartment building doesn’t have a troupe of roving homeless miscreants living in a minivan out front. Unfortunately, that also means that the new place is lacking a view of aforementioned van-dwelling hobos showering in aforementioned ghetto water-park…but you have to make sacrifices, I guess.

            So, despite the fact that my phone gets zero reception inside, the new place is great. It’s big, well-lit, and walking distance from some of the best restaurants and bars in Chicago. The only problem is, with those half dozen huge windows, we have no curtains yet. Which sucks, because it’s 100 scrotum-scalding degrees outside and we don’t have air conditioning. And despite the fact that I’d like nothing better than to walk around buck nekkid, I’d hate to be responsible for any rubbernecking pedestrians outside being flattened by a Cadillac because of my swinging noodle. My dong doesn’t need that kind of karma.

            So, barring indecent exposure, here are a few of the ways I’ve decided to try and beat the heat.

1. With a few slight modifications, I can turn my refrigerator into a one-man liferaft of frosty freedom.

2. I could install a turbo motor on the already stylishly badass ceiling fan in my office.  

3. When all else fails, I can always hang out with the transients in the public library and enjoy the free AC. 

            Or I could just break down and buy a new portable air-conditioner from Home Depot before my testicles melt off. Though, I’ll still be tempted to construct the Brew Canoe. That way even when the rapture doesn’t happen, like a belligerently soused Noah, I’ll still be able to float my alcoholic ark across Lake Michigan. And two bottles of every beer shall be herded aboard thine mighty vessel, and all that.

Cheers,

-brandon

Beer: Stella

Music: Johnny Cash