this post, this post, and this post if you need some background. Today's topic: the neighbor that wants my dick. No, I'm not talking about the skanky neighbor girl that wears booty shorts.
And I'm not talking about her insane father.
I'm talking about the skanky neighbor woman.
She's friendly, she's got these nerdy, horn rimmed glasses, and until now, she's kept to herself, which has made her a great neighbor. We don't even care that there's always a huge number of random beat up cars always parking in front of her house (they never drive Lexus's or BMW's I'm afraid), belonging to old, fat, ugly guys that show up at night and leave in the morning, sometimes as much as one a day for a full week.
We're not sure if she's a prostitute or just has low standards.
But that didn't matter since she kept to herself... well, until lately. Now, more than ever, she seems to always come outside and talk to me when I'm taking my dogs out for a piss. And she's drunk. And chain smoking. And likes to lean in way too close to tell me something.
I think she wants my kielbasa.
What's more, she never talks to my wife. At all. She gives her dirty looks and ignores her.
Yet when I go outside:
(Note: I fully realize that my dog is sleeping in that picture. She's fat and lazy and I only have pictures of her sleeping, so just pretend she's running with me, okay?)
But if that isn't enough proof, I've got something better.
A while back I had just finished my daily workout--I worked out extra hard, it was really hot outside, and I was craving some protein--so logically I went out back to grill a hamburger with my shirt off. It seemed harmless at the time. I mean, this was during the afternoon on a weekday, and no one is ever outside. EVER. Well, imagine my surprise when I see a face come to the window, notice me, and then I hear scrambling... moments later, the neighbor lady stumbles out in the tiniest two piece I've ever seen (to accentuate her big fake boobs) and she tries to talk to me... she then lays down on a lawn chair to sun tan, but only for the 15 minutes I'm out grilling. Once I go back in, so does she.
What a coincidence... right...?
So now I have to close my blinds at all times and can never leave the house for fear that she's going to rape me.
Stay classy, friends,
Mood: A little creeped out
Beer: Dos Equis Amber
Shower: Is that a hidden camera I see...?