Monday, July 25, 2011

The Suck-ubus

       So today's another post about the neighbors. See this post, this post, and this post if you need some background. Today's topic: the neighbor that wants my dick. No, I'm not talking about the skanky neighbor girl that wears booty shorts.


       And I'm not talking about her insane father.


      I'm talking about the skanky neighbor woman.



       She's friendly, she's got these nerdy, horn rimmed glasses, and until now, she's kept to herself, which has made her a great neighbor. We don't even care that there's always a huge number of random beat up cars always parking in front of her house (they never drive Lexus's or BMW's I'm afraid), belonging to old, fat, ugly guys that show up at night and leave in the morning, sometimes as much as one a day for a full week.
        We're not sure if she's a prostitute or just has low standards.
        But that didn't matter since she kept to herself... well, until lately. Now, more than ever, she seems to always come outside and talk to me when I'm taking my dogs out for a piss. And she's drunk. And chain smoking. And likes to lean in way too close to tell me something.
         I think she wants my kielbasa.
         What's more, she never talks to my wife. At all. She gives her dirty looks and ignores her.
         Compare:

 
 
 
 
 
 

        Yet when I go outside:

 
 
 
 
(Note: I fully realize that my dog is sleeping in that picture. She's fat and lazy and I only have pictures of her sleeping, so just pretend she's running with me, okay?)

            But if that isn't enough proof, I've got something better.
            A while back I had just finished my daily workout--I worked out extra hard, it was really hot outside, and I was craving some protein--so logically I went out back to grill a hamburger with my shirt off. It seemed harmless at the time. I mean, this was during the afternoon on a weekday, and no one is ever outside. EVER. Well, imagine my surprise when I see a face come to the window, notice me, and then I hear scrambling... moments later, the neighbor lady stumbles out in the tiniest two piece I've ever seen (to accentuate her big fake boobs) and she tries to talk to me... she then lays down on a lawn chair to sun tan, but only for the 15 minutes I'm out grilling. Once I go back in, so does she.
             What a coincidence... right...?

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

           So now I have to close my blinds at all times and can never leave the house for fear that she's going to rape me.
           The end.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: A little creeped out
Beer: Dos Equis Amber
Shower: Is that a hidden camera I see...?

47 comments:

  1. You should totally set your wife on her with a filed down toothbrush lol.

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  2. Haha does your wife help make these posts as well or is this just all your observations?

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  3. Tell your wife that I'm sharpening my toothbrush too, well gang up on skanky big boobed neighbor...yes. you can watch. ;)

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  4. Tell the neighbor lady that you want to give her a Cleveland steamer in the front yard. Either she'll leave you alone, or you can shit on her chest then laugh at her every time you see her, then she'll leave you alone.

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  5. Just be sure to upload the upcoming cat-fight on Youtube.

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  6. lol the comment you left on my blog was funny

    just like this post! although i feel kind of bad. some women are obviously interested and don't get the hint that you ARE NOT. now you can't go outside without thinking about it :(

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  7. hahahaha your wife has the correct attitude, shank that mexican hoe.

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  8. Is this a humble brag?
    Maybe just throw a vile of herpes on her and she'll be satisfied.

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  9. Sounds like you have a skank infestation. You really only have one choice, kill it with fire.

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  10. I'm not a betting person but in this case I think your wife would win hands down. Inflatable people like your neighbour don't really have much substance...and, seriously, horn rimmed glasses? Is she a wannabe hipster?

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  11. Great post. Go outside without a shirt and then wait for neighbor to come out again. Then run inside and let wife go back out instead. If she doesn't say hello to her, let her kick some ass!

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  12. Sounds like my old neighbors, I'm sooo glad I moved.

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  13. I love that your wife can whittle a shank outta a toothbrush.

    the wrench dropping neighbor dudes tramp stamp was a nice touch....well played my friend.

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  14. Good thing you have a Mexican wife, they are well known for their not taking of bs from little white skanks.

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  15. Maybe all she needed was a friend, someone to talk to, to share her inner-thoughts, you know... Oprah Winfrey stuff... Then again, she was pretty straightforward when it comes to sucking up and 'great shoes - wanna fuck' doesn't exactly leave much room for different interpretations... Maybe you should tell your wife...

    :)

    http://rcbenglishclass.blogspot.com/2011/07/art-of-sucking-up.html

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  16. Your slutty neighbor has a bukkake night? I think you're selling this lovely whore a little short.

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  17. So let me get this straight….your wife, despite intense provocation from slutty neighbour, is sacrificing one of her toothbrushes to help with cleaning her rancid smoke riddle teeth…now that’s decent because it’s never nice when peoples find bodies with poor dental hygiene….

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  18. I like your neighbourhood but it's too far away.

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  19. WOW, you're neighborhood and it's inhabitants are priceless bloggy gold. Maybe I should take off my blinders once in a while and check out the crazies in my shithole neck of the woods.

    love it

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  20. She definitely wants your kielbasa.

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  21. How did you end up with the dregs of society as your neighbors? At some point you have to consider moving, or accept the fact that this is exactly where you belong, Brandon...

    (Pssst! Run, Forrest, Run!)

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  22. you know, when i grill out topless, the neighbors come out & linger too. but i think they're taking bets on which one of my nipples will catch on fire first.

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  23. It's not often I get to hear a good bukkake joke.

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  24. Libby sent me and i'm glad she did. lol That is a creepy neighbor.

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  25. see, this is why women are afraid to be forward. 'cause it "creeps" guys out. you're spoiling it for everyone bryan!

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  26. I smell a cat fight a brewin... lol.

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  27. You're probably okay unless she decides to, like SherilinR, come over and join you in the topless grilling.

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  28. I absolutely bought it that your dog was running with you. I think that was my most favorite picture in this post. Of course, they're all brilliant but that one made me the most smiley.

    (holy shit! Blogger is gonna let me comment as myself??? This IS a special day!)

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  29. Haha whats with the skanks going after married men, tsk tsk.

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  30. You live in the sluttiest neighborhood EVER!

    Sign me up...

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  31. Also, beware of airborne herpes!

    They can travel up to A WHOLE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK without a human host!

    At least that is what my wife claims... (Have I said too much?)

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  32. Um, yeah. You've pretty much figured that one out. Dumbly, I am always surprised when guys who are super chatty w/me have nothing to say when I'm with my husband, but so far, none of them have come out to meet me in speedos.

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  33. Brian, I love your blog! Your hilarious! And talk about anything and everything, making it fun and funny to read. The pics are great too. I can't imagine how long it takes you to write this thing!

    Why don't you set her up with one of your friends? We all have at least one guy friend that will do anything to get laid. Perhaps he can piss her off enough(maybe not call her back?) to keep her hiding in the house instead of ruining your fun at the grill! Think of a plan man!

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  34. You're gonna need some patented "skank spray" with a 30 foot spray!

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  35. Oh God, you actually worked Bukkake into a blog post. I feel this requires some sort of accolade.

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  36. Dude, I WISH I could draw as nice as you. I can't even draw the most basic of human figures...

    Anyway, duuuuuuude. Just duuuuuude. I'd normally say "THREE-WAY THAT SHIT" in a hearbeat, but the way she treats your wife isn't even downright disrespectful - in some cultures, that's how wars get started.

    Seriously, that's some cold shit that deserves a shankin'.

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  37. Bitchez be crazy Bryan.

    Why do I feel like I've said that to you before?

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  38. I recommend you dig a hole and cover it with branches and leaves... then go get your workout on and go out back all sweaty by the hole. Then watch her come on over... and whammo!!! she falls in the hole.

    Then..........................................................just fill in the hole!

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  39. OH MY. Sorry for missing your last few posts!!

    You haven't been showing up on my google feed; no idea why, except that Blogspot is a bitch as usual.):

    And it's sad that the neighbor is nerdy and wears horn-rimmed glasses, 'cause I would have loved to hear about you being tempted by a stunning stripper with real D-cups.

    Also, you deserve this. All attractive men are NOT allowed to go outdoors SHIRTLESS. It's the code of decency. SHAME ON YOU.

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  40. Nothing like a little woman-raping-man-fear to keep a guy inside.

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  41. Bahaha. I had a good laugh reading this! Although, I would rather like to see what your neighbourhood is like... Looks like an interesting bunch! Heh.

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  42. That post was hilarious! I sent it to so many people and they all died. Good looking out! I always enjoy reading your blog. As for your neighbors... You can't escape it! Those people are everywhere. No matter where you go, you'll find another pod person version of them. Let your wife handle it, latinas know how to throw down!

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  43. That was some quality mspaint you've got rockin' there. I'll follow just for an update on that crazy neighbor skank.

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  44. What lovely neighbours you have. Maybe you should attach balloons to your house and fly away à la Up.

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