Friday, July 29, 2011

Now Accepting Applications for Forced Entry

         Among my brother-in-law's many stupid purchases (and trust me, there are many), he used to have a security system at this house, just before he moved out about 2 years ago and handed the place over to us. This left the option of keeping it or cancelling, so the wife had called them for information.
        And for a low, low price of only $150 a month (it's like they're giving the service away), they guaranteed that our house would be safe 24/7. Getting murdered/raped? Well, no sweat, just hang tight for 5-10 agonizing minutes and this company will call the police for you! This is invaluable, because as my house is getting robbed, I just don't have time to pull out my cell phone and call the authorities.
        So, this may be a huge surprise, but we opted out, even if it meant this might happen:













        I shudder at the thought, but since $150 a month is absolutely retarded, I'll have to live with the thought that at any moment I could be raped by angry bunnies.
        But the story doesn't end here. Over the last 2 years, we've battled this company because they've kept sending us bills, thinking somehow, like your typical rapist, that 'no' meant 'yes' and that we wanted their awful service. We had never signed anything, and the equipment was long gone. So after calling numerous times, they put my wife's brother's name on the bill (as it originally was), and we thought the problem was gone. Nope, they just sent HIS bill to our house, no matter how many times we called and said he didn't live here and that he didn't have the damn service, either.
       That brings us to a few days ago, and I can't stress this enough, 2 years later, when we got this little gem in the mail (click to enlarge):

That's right! You haven't paid us in 2 years, so we're going to put our foot down and stop monitoring the equipment you never had!

        So there you go, bloggers. If you're going to come murder or rape me, now's the time to do it, because we no longer have any protection. Well, other than living in a great neighborhood, having thick double locks, and a big, aggressive wolf dog (the other 3 are pussies) that barks at the slightest bit of foreign movement.
        I'll be sure and let you know if I make it through the weekend.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Paranoid
Beer: Dos Equis Amber
Shower: Awkward with Bun Bun here

47 comments:

  1. I don't know how you can live with the fear of being raped by bunny rabbits. Though I think if a rabbit managed to get into your house, and stab all your dogs, it deserves a go on you lol. I can't believe it took them two years of no payments to stop the service, then again I can't believe it took them 2 years to stop it anyway with you constantly telling them you don't have their stuff anymore. If they can't keep track of their own equipment, how well are they going to keep track of a house?

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  2. Rapist bunnies, inserting carrots, what's up Doc..my dic....I'm stunned.

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  3. Awwww, rapist bunnies. How cute!

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  4. This is NOT funny.

    I was raped by a bunny in college.

    I was at a party and we were dancing. He was crinkeling his cute little pink nose at me so I went back to his cage. One thing led to another, sure there was some heavy petting, but I said no. I said stop. That bunny didn't stop and now I have like 20 big earred, buck toothed kids.

    Think before you post please.
    I. am. offended.

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  5. you killed your own dogs for the sake of one photograph?!?!?

    murderer! look at them! impaled, top of heads cut off, eye balls hanging out on strings. they're never coming back!

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  6. Address? Im interested on that raping you offer. It will have to be outside the bathroom because your photo hanging there creeps me, a LOT. So leave me a message or gimme a phone call, i will try to rape you in the next 48 to 72 hours.

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  7. And now I understand why they named the worlds best selling vibrator a rampant rabbit.

    I would love to write a longer comment but I have to go and get to the pet shop before it shuts......

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  8. hilarious. my favourite part. the last cartoon with the bunny in the shower cap.

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  9. Tim the Enchanter to King Arthur, "I tried to warn you, but did you listen? Noooo... it's just a harmless li'l bunny! I said 'Look at the bones!' but did you listen to me?"

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  10. excellent paints sir, gold star on the day.

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  11. Yay! I was wondering what I was going to do this weekend. I was thinking of going out and doing some raping, but I didn't have a good target.

    What time is good for you. About noonish on Sunday?

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  12. lol u got raped by a rabbit? awkward

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  13. *eyes up Fluffy in the corner* "Time to go raping, sweetums."

    I'm not going to tell you when we are coming...but we'll be there. Poor fluffy has been locked in that cage alone way too long...he deserves this so just go with it, k?

    Good luck with all the other followers here who seem to be eager to break into your house and rape you as well...you may want to reconsider that contract...your followers scare me. Wait, I'm a follower...*goes to lock doors*. Good luck.

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  14. Lol! You topped the freakin' cake on this one! Pesky Wabbit.

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  15. This isn't funny but it's so hysterical. Companies/businesses are so stupid. So much waste goes on in this country in both time and paper and postage. I really makes me mad. If anyone comes in while you're showering, just use the beer bottle that you should have in there with you. At least you can put up a good fight!

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  16. I've made my peace with the possibility of being raped by bunnies, but I have an alarm system because may the sweet baby jesus help me if anyone ever comes into my home and steals my awesome collection of 2 dollar flip flops from Old Navy. I'd take bunny rape any day.

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  17. Haha, absolutely hilarious. True that you don't really need security systems unless you live in a horrible place or if you're just super paranoid. That letter was pretty ridiculous. Also, i highly approve of your hypothetical bathroom wall art.

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  18. YES, your Defenses are finally down! I'm coming for you Brah!

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  19. what an adorable piglet w/ rain boots pic you have in the bathroom.....too bad you weren't raped that lit'l fella. that's a raping I could even enjoy

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  20. Monty Python references abound. Cute pig in gumboots and hilarious anecdote about stupid companies...I'm sold.

    In all seriousness though, alarm companies like that are just stupid. In fact, a lot of random insurance companies are actually run by monkeys chained to typewriters. Well, that's what I imagine anyway.

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  21. OHHHHH?! So you are NO rapeable, which is different than the past two years?

    Heh, hehehehheh, you gotta purty mouf, boy...

    BEND OVER AND PICK UP DAT SOAP!

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  22. $150/month IS rape. They want you to pay for rape.
    I am most amused by your visual representation of your thoughts.

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  23. "He has very sharp, pointy teeth!"

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  24. Bunny rapists. Have to say you got me with that one. Great blog, I'll follow.

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  25. Okay, I love how you can turn fluffy bunnies into grandmotherly dominatrixes really into rough sex.

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  26. They are obviously on top of their game; I know I would want someone who can't figure out who they're supposed to monitor and who they're not to provide ME with security! Sounds like a winner for sure.
    Bunny rape. LOLZ.

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  27. Stay where you are.
    The bunnies will be arriving shortly.
    Don't try to call the security company. They will just laugh at you and maybe yell "Yold you so!" into the phone.

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  28. Rabbits can be ruthless. I have one. He stays outside now. I still have scars on the back of my neck. Funny story though when we let him out he chases the dogs around and when they lay down he humps them. Horny little hares!

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  29. It's quite depressing thinking about how many people perfectly capable of phoning the emergency services themselves would actually pay that.Oh well. Here's to capitalism.

    Also. I've always wondered. How do you prevent the shower water getting into the beer and diluting it?

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  30. "Run Awaaaaay! Run Awaaaaay!"

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  31. Just like no one expects the Spanish Inquistion, no one expects ass raping rabbits. Those mofos are freaky!

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  32. I've always wondered at the point of security systems. I'm sure there are a few stories where they've done some good, but I think they've gotta be few and far between.

    Like you said, my dogs (when it comes to strangers that aren't family-approved, one is a barker, one is a beast) would give me the time to call 911 on my cell phone, which is definitely worth more than paying a security system.

    And your graphics just killed me :-)

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  33. i'm most disturbed by the pig wearing rain boots in these drawings

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  34. oh man companies like this piss me off to no end. What IDIOTS!

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  35. You should only be worried if the rabbit is a Flemish Giant.

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  36. You still retained your Life-Alert bracelet, right?
    By the way, the commenters here are, for the most part, hilarious. If people aren't reading the comments, they're missing half the fun.

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  37. Bunnies ARE dangerous, especially in a cold shower, except for this type (because then you'd NEED a cold shower):
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Playboy_Bunny

    - Thumbs up from across the Atlantic (and don't be telling me where these thumbs will be going or there will be bunnies swimming your way!)

    P.S. You "just don't have time to pull out [your] cell phone and call the authorities"? I seriously thought I was the only one with that particular problem...
    http://rcbenglishclass.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-name-is.html

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  38. Every time I come here I lmao :D, great stuff!

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  39. Reminds me of Raymond episode where Robert becomes Alarm salesman and the alarm sounds for all wrong reasons and Raymond wants to buy only the sign.
    Funny..Your posts sounds more like from ones expected from social reformalist. Keep up the good job!
    What do you think of life alerts?

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  40. God, I hope you took the morning after pill.

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  41. wow that annoy the crap out of me if that persisted 2 years. Funny post, thoroughly enjoyed!

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  42. Could you tell me where you got the picture of the pig in boots, please? Or shall I just come and steal that one? Thanks!!

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  43. Awww, Bryan's scared of Bun Bun... How cute! :)

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  44. Almost couldn't control the laughter on this one. I was really expecting an awesome cartoon muderer. I was more shocked to see the fur weilding, nose wiggling Bun Bun. The nightmares are already starting.

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