Friday, July 15, 2011

In Absentia

       So as Brandon noted, I was absent on Wednesday. Unfortunately, I wasn't getting malaria in Africa, backstage at a Justin Bieber concert, or heavily poisoned from household chemicals. No, that would have been a treat.
       I was having the day from hell.
       As it's been noted before, the townhouse I live in and the one a few houses down from us is owned by my wife's family. The other townhouse was in the process of being rented out to some rich people with too much money to blow, and we thought it would take a while. Imagine my surprise when my in-laws call and tell us that these people are moving in tomorrow... And because they don't want to look like assholes, everything from the old townhouse needed to be gone (which should have been gone months ago)
       Now, this townhouse used to be occupied by my brother-in-law's ex wife, and in addition to completely trashing the place ($3000 worth of damage), when she moved, she took all of the good stuff and left all of the junk. More specifically, an entire garage full of junk.
        How do I know?
        Because my in-laws had it moved to MY garage.
        And how did they move it?
        Oh yeah, I had to.
        That's right, I spent 7 hours total (3 of those hours I spent in pouring rain/hail) heaving items from one townhouse to another.
        Some of the gems I got to lug (see below for legend):
A) Shitty painting that looks like it was painted by a 5 year old. If she spent any more than $5 on this she needs to be punched.
B) The eighth wonder of the world, the amazing cardboard box pyramid.
C) If you look behind the antifreeze, you can see an incredibly destroyed couch, complete with child's vomit, cigarette butts, and burn marks!
D) This is the headboard of a bed. I got to move a queen size bed, its frame, and headboard all by myself. Which was a blast, let me tell you.
E) What the fuck is this? The bottom of a shopping cart?
F) Much like a bad prison system, the sweeper vacuum has already begun to make the random plastic black piece its bitch. How's that for some white on black crime?
G) Candles apparently from an ancient Mayan ritual. Those are real stone, and real fucking heavy.
H) A Trick-or-Treat basket. Knowing this woman, it was full of Pall Malls and used heroin needles.
I) A martini drink station, which was much needed after moving all this shit.

      Oh, and if you're wondering what it looks like when you're moving a queen sized bed all by yourself, out in the dark, in the pouring rain, it probably looks terrifying. Like you're the Night of the Living Mattress.

    But the shitty day didn't end here, because the in-laws were STILL not prepared to have these new people come in, and I was given a laundry list of things I had to do.

  • Have a maid service come over for a final cleaning and pay them.
  • Make 4 new keys.
  • Buy a mounting brace for a ceiling fan.
  • Buy new blinds and mount them in place of the old blinds. 
     The old blinds, if you're wondering, were chewed up by this woman's demon child. I'm not kidding. They were covered in tiny human teethmarks.

The task at hand: measure the old blinds, go to Home Depot, and get blinds cut to that specification. Easy enough, right? Wrong.



      Yeah, that's right, the guy fucked up 72 minus 70 and cut them to 71 inches, so I had to drive all the way back to get them re-cut again. Also, when getting them re-cut, they tangled up all of the cords and I spent over 20 minutes untangling them after I mounted the blinds.

     But like a bad Billy Mays infomercial, this is still. Not. all. You may have seen from a post last week that my dad got surgery. He's still recovering. Well, at the same time that I was out moving beds and getting hammered by the pouring rain, my parents' basement was flooded and the rocks along the side of their house were washed away. They needed me to drive to their house immediately (30 minutes away), drive my Dad's truck to Home Depot (my new favorite place by now), and pick up 14 bags of rock (50 lbs each) and replace the rock on the side of their house, since my dad is still recovering from surgery.
      So, I loaded, transported, unloaded, and dispersed 700 lbs of rock.
      But... that was
      Because I came home and stepped in glass, which my dog had apparently knocked over while I was gone.

         So, what's the worst day you've ever had in your life?

Stay classy, friends,

Mood: Urge to kill... rising... rising...
Beer: I don't know but I'm going to start shotgunning a few here in a second
Shower: I need one, stat. Move thousands and thousands of pounds of furniture, junk, and rock, and you get very sweaty and very smelly. I think I even topped our good friend Cake Betch in rank grossness.

The only positive was that I didn't have to deal with the new move ins. Because I have a feeling I know what would have happened.


Also, if anyone has any suggestions on how I can dispose of the mountain in my garage, please comment or e-mail me. I want it gone without breaking my back or my wallet... basically, I just want my damn garage back.


  1. It's been going around lately. In the past few days, you are the 4th person I've heard tell the "worst day of my life" story. It'll be my turn soon, I promise.

  2. well, the important thing is that you're not bitter. and that you haven't killed anybody. yet.

    pis.s. am i correct in assuming that the gift card from home depot i got you guys is NOT the great wedding present i thought it to be?

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. iNews – One day I’m going to claim I have cancer and see if people still insist on leaving that completely pointless and uninteresting message.

  5. Lol@ Drake.

    Sorry you had such a bad day.
    And I hate you for making me laugh about it.
    I feel like a terrible person. >.<

  6. god damn, man....well at least those neighbors of your weren't on your list of troubles this time :/

  7. Chunk got a job at Home Depot? That's awesome!

    Sorry about your days as a Slum Lord. Aren't you glad you got married.

    I'm sure my husband has cursed the day he married me because of all the familial obligations they've put him through.

    Hang in there...and get that third nipple checked out. I've seen the pics, it's scary.

  8. What a terrific day! All that exercise and everything was so convenient to your location. Pure Excellence!

  9. Better you than me my friend.

    I hope you get the chance to sit in a hot tub this weekend and have someone deliver you BEvERage after BEvERage until you forget why you were cranky.

    Good luck with that.

  10. WOW wee what a shit day!! Have a big drink and a scream after that one.

    Nice to see that the goonies sloth is now cutting blinds these days!

  11. @ Annabelle: Just like Mark Wahlberg, I vehemently deny having a third nipple.

    @ Honkmofo: I'm holding you to this promise. If I don't see a 'worst day ever' post some time soon, I'm coming to your house, tearing up your lawn, and spitting in your food. Which will probably be followed by my next worst day ever post, "Bryan spends a day in county jail."

    @ iNews: I say this in the most loving way possible: go kill yourself. No, not the big-breasted underage girl in your profile picture whose likeness you stole, but the real, morbidly obese you using the computer in your mother's basement.

    That's right, I said it. And if rocking the boat means you can no longer leave me generic, thoughtless comments, then I guess that's what it's come to. I suppose I'll have to find *another* place to discover last week's online news.

  12. LOL Thanks for the shout out. The whole time I was reading this I was like, "OMFG I probably would have just chewed a pistol about halfway through the day." I seriously don't know though if you would have been ranker than me. Really. I probably could have killed creatures under 50lbs with my stench. I did not get bit by a SINGLE mosquito the whole time I was there. I get back to Ohio and get three bites walking from the garage to my back door (all of 20ft). It was intense.

  13. But JESUS did that shower after five days feel AMAZING. Sadly there was no beer for it though :-(

  14. Hilarious! Cheers! I will shotgun one with ya!

  15. Um...I honestly have nothing to say here. That sucks out loud! I mean seriously sucks. I am so sorry.

  16. Just put the stuff on the street with a sign that says "Free to a good home".

  17. So what exactly did you do to piss off God and make Him punish you so thoroughly?

  18. I'm really trying to look for something positive to say but your day was hell. Anything I can think of off the top of my head pales in comparision. Hell, I'd rather clean up crap again that go through all that.

    I think you should by pass the beer and head straight to the whiskey.

  19. You can bring your crap to my house and put it in my forecourt. Do it on a friday I guarantee it'll be gone by monday.

    I have no idea who takes it or where it goes but this has happened several times to piles of utter shit that I left there.

    My guess is drunk students. So wish I could've been there when they woke up and discovered the fantastic broken shelves, outdated TV decoder and bent clothes rail.

  20. Nothing really compared to your day from arse water hell........and fire.

  21. that's the price you pay for having regular sex my friend.


    That is all.

    Oh, and the mattress picture looks like the ghost of Domo, doesn't it?

  23. Jeez that is one pretty bad day there. Well done on surviving it, I think you need more than a few beers after that.

  24. Nice. And I thought maybe whips were involved somehow...

  25. AWWW, BRYAN. That hell of a day wasn't all for nothing. I'm sure you earned yourself some good sex after all that lifting and impressive manliness.

    And I laughed at your misery throughout the post.

    Sorry. ;)

  26. Wow, rawr is right...and I thought *my* math was bad.

  27. can i send you a hug? poor love. Truly crappy day. Make yourself a big martini and have a good lie down.

  28. So, saying "no" to your in-laws isn't an option? I suppose not, if you're living in their townhouse...and, you know, with their daughter.

    Maybe you can discover a serious injury, to get you out of humping old furniture around...

  29. Suggestions for the mountain of crap:
    Donate the candles to local Druids.
    Sell the painting to motel.
    Give the mattress to a homeless person.
    Drop the couch off somewhere near a college and it will disappear in the blink of an eye.
    Keep the martini bar.
    And the rest is dumpster-riffic.

    Good luck.

  30. lol how you got those tangled up like that i dont even wanna now. but gg noob :D

  31. Sorry to hear about your bad day! Great post none-the-less!

  32. Night of the Living Mattress - that's a good one. Great pic, too.The good thing was, of course, that when tiredness kicked in, you had a bed to take that well-desrved nap. And you don't have to go to the gym or have a shower...

  33. damn what great "professional" service cutting your blinds lol. i love your cartoons

  34. It would appear that the worst days produce the funniest MS paint cartoons. I felt a little bad for laughing at your misery, but at least when you are knee deep in shit in the future you can look back and feel a little better.

  35. Call goodwill and tell them to send the truck!
    Can you go back to Home Depot and get Sloth's autograph for me? Nothing worse than moving. I whined when I had to move my own stuff, I would be pissed if I had to move someone else's shyte! Karma shall return to bless you with good fortune someday!

  36. I hate moving, packing, painting etc., etc.,

  37. OMG, that finger painting comme Jackson Pollock is very, well... moving.

    It really stinks being the manager. Trust me I know. Er, uh, so do you! Better days ahead, and rent paid, right? ;)

  38. Haha oh no! Hit me back,

  39. Woa man, is that a Mustang I see in your garage?

  40. People get rid of things around here by putting them next to their mailbox and taping a "Free" sign on it. You could try that. lol.

  41. That was a seriously bad day!! Can I have the martini set when you're through?

  42. All those pictures and cartoons, and what will stick with me is "Night of the Living Matress." Cheers to that!

  43. if i had a day like that, i'd either spontaneously combust or shoot myself or people like the blind guy,and those two people moving in......

  44. if i had a day like that, i'd either spontaneously combust or shoot myself or people like the blind guy,and those two people moving in......

  45. Great! It is so crowded here. Nice to be here. My name is Nat. Have a nice day.