Monday, July 18, 2011

A Beer for the Hydrant

Well, it’s officially summertime here in the city. Greenhouse gases are helping to broil the blacktop, the alleyways are choked with the smell of slow-roasting garbage, and the fire hydrants of the crappier neighborhoods have temporarily been commandeered to act as the local car wash/swimming pool.
            And, yes, this means my neighborhood. Pretty much every day the temperature climbs over ninety, this is what the street corner looks like in front of my building.

            A neighborhood fellow with too much time on his hands has a hydrant wrench and custom grinds a “V” shape into the cap to get that fancy arcing waterfall. It’s pointless to call the City of Chicago anymore. They really don’t care. Sometimes the thing gets shut off, sometimes it doesn’t. In the meanwhile, it plays host to dozens of screaming hoodbrats and a never ending loop of cars that are lucky to have stumbled across a free carwash. Occasionally, even the cops do a nice slow drive-through to get a rinse.
            Usually about a dozen adults can be found standing around this makeshift fountain for hours on end during the day, which I find sort of funny. Because with a couple towels, sponges, and buckets of soap, they don’t know just how dangerously close they are to gainful employment.
            Normally, I really wouldn’t give a damn. At least it gives people something to do in this godforsaken heat. But, I’m tired of living with the equivalent of an urban amusement park right outside my window.
Did I mention I’m moving next week? Thank Jebus.

Cheers,

-brandon

Beer: Corona
Music: Rise Against

34 comments:

  1. That street looks hella awesome, at least it's eventful!

    Nice post, love rise against too

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  2. I kind of agree that looks pretty cool to me!! I wish we had something like that here... plus we need some heat, it is July and have the heating on!!

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  3. Having that in front of my home would drive me nuts. So happy you're moving. Hope you get better neighbors than I have.

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  4. "...dangerously close they are to gainful employment." haha

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  5. While I'd love to run through the water, I'd hate to have it in front of my house. You should use it as your shower, maybe that will make them stop.

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  6. I'm impressed w/ the custom "V" flair. I would definitely prefer running through an arching hydrant water fall, certainly more comfortable than taking a straight shot to the gut.

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  7. Okay, this is going to sound rather naive on my part, but people actually do that? Wow. How funny.

    Thank Jebus? Brilliant.

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  8. I have never actually ever seen an urban water park! That is pretty spectacular in it's ridiculousness. I am pretty sure that would annoy me. Then again from my place I get to hear all the spoiled rich kids frolicking in the pool. Good on ya for moving though! :)

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  9. Getting hot where I am too (finally)

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  10. oh man we used to have fun with those as a kid!! lol.

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  11. That's hilarious that the cops go through for a wash. Meanwhile, I think I live in the only part of North America that hasn't seen summer yet.

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  12. Well at least your moving. Hopefully their will be less asshats around.

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  13. Please tell me that they set the water hydrant off in winter, so people can sit and watch the Police cars slide by...

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  14. AWW. Won't you miss the creepy neighbor and his nipple-tweaking invitations? Not to mention his jailbait daughter and those luscious buttocks of hers.

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  15. In Britain you’d probably get suplexed for wasting water in a heatwave. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

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  16. That looks awesome! Sorry but it really does

    Also I am so jealous of the heat, I'm stuck in a awful wet british summer and the only reason I'm feeling hot is because I have a bloody fever...

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  17. I have to agree with Jay Jay, I thought this was an urban legend. I guess the novelty would wear thin pretty quick. Good luck on the move.

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  18. Some things you won't miss, going to be a shock when there's nothing going on.

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  19. Oh, good times with classy people. And you want to leave all that behind??? But why???

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  20. So THAT's how the homeless get washed.

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  21. It looks cool and fun to me but then again, I don't live there.

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  22. i thought it was just an urban legend too. like homeless people, or paying taxes.

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  23. I didn't know people actually did this, hurry up and move lol.

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  24. Hope the cars get their windows up...

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  25. ^^ All these people never lived in a city.

    A guy in my old neighborhood would take his wrench and open the hydrant on especially hot days, which is awesome when you're a kid trying to beat the heat. I think if I saw one open now I would complain about the wasted water.

    the Tsaritsa sez

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  26. i always thought this was purely a hollywood invention, like defibrillators restarting people's hearts.

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  27. Please say sweet things, ice, pool, water, mountaintop, icecream, ac etc., Any word about heat and temperature is burning me.
    Good luck with the move.!

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  28. Way to use some sensory words. I swear I can smell that garbage... Oh, wait, that's my garbage. heh. Best part about winter... frozen molecules = no smells.

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  29. hate the summer heat, makes it hard to sleep

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  30. I'd prefer that to a shower to be honest. Not sure if the neighbours would. You know, me being naked and all.

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  31. You know there are people in Ethiopia or somewhere that dont have water...

    Sincerely
    Offended Mothers everywhere

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  32. Rise Against are awesome

    hmm, in the UK we don't have nor need fire hydrants. we have clouds...

    if we could somehow have the sun bottled and used like a fire hydrant thing i've no doubt people would be lounging around outside too

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