Wednesday, June 1, 2011

To Serve and Collect

As we've already announced, like the overenthusiastic parents of a third-grade spelling champion, our new novel manuscript is completed. And now that it's off and into the hands of the people who can actually do something with it, Bryan and I finally have time to catch back up on all our old hobbies. For me, that means scorning hipsters and hanging out in the library with society's literary-minded the homeless folks. For Bryan, that probably means watching scheisse films and baking homemade brownies.

So, before I went to visit my friends Toothless Jim and Ragman Stitch at the book depot today, I stopped to print off a copy of the new manuscript. And I found that parking was unusually easy. I found a meter spot instantly. In fact the whole side of the street, besides one other car, was empty. So, naturally, some asshole pulled up right behind me.


I put my parking receipt on the dashboard, waved at the scowling police officer, and started to cross the street. And then my Spidey sense punched me in the balls. There, hidden mostly behind a bushy tree branch above my car, was a little white sign, sneakily proclaiming that this fifty foot stretch of concrete real estate was a No-Parking zone (only) every first Wednesday of the month. As in, today. Because, once a month in the summertime, every avenue in the city takes a turn to gets its gutters cleared of hypodermic needles, broken glass, and unconscious drunks by the street sweeping machine. Usually the signs are easy to see, and sometimes even neon orange, but this one was hidden by overgrowth.

And, with one arm leaned out the open window, being two feet away from me, did Officer Smiley have the common fucking decency to at least say "Hey, asshole, no parking here."

Nope. He was just waiting for me to leave my car unattended. It was purely by luck that I turned back around.

"There's no parking here, is there?" I asked, figuring out my own error as I spoke.

Officer Smiley grunted. "Oh, so you can read?"

Behind sunglasses, I rolled my eyes. "Are you writing me a ticket?"

"As soon as you walk away from that car," he said.

I snorted. And with as much dry sarcasm as I've ever mustered I replied with a smile. "Thanks a lot, man." I got in my car, turned around, and pulled into a "legitimate" spot right across the street. When I looked back, the cop drove off. I'm sure he had somewhere more chickenshit useful to be, like staking out a bar parking lot for drunk drivers.

God bless my Spidey sense. It--not human decency--saved me a sixty dollar ticket. Proving yet again that parking requires constant vigilance, and no matter where you go, you should always keep one wary hand over your bunghole.

Cheers,

-brandon

Beer: Old Style
Music: Gogol Bordello

44 comments:

  1. What a DICK! My boyfriend had something similar happen with a parking meter guy a few months ago and the guy went APESHIT. He was writing the ticket as he approached and he was like, "Hey, sorry, sorry, I'm moving it right now, I didn't realize this was permit parking." And the guy threw his arms up in the air and was like, "I'm not the one that can't fucking read!"
    WTF????

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  2. what a douche bag cop. What was he really proving by doing that. I sat in crazy traffic driving home from the mountains on Monday because tow trucks were out in force towing cars from people at the lake beach/bbq pits. Now, there were no parking signs but the parking lots were full and people just wanted to cool off on a 95 degree day. I understand making money and then there is just being a dick. They were off the the side of the road and not impairing traffic...but the tow trucks...now they were! grrr

    JewelsTurning30

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  3. Cops are douches. At least you looked, I'm surprised he didn't write you one anyways. My sister got a ticket just talking to officers in a 7-11 parking lot. They asked her what happened to her car, and she said she hit something and needed to get it fixed, and boom, got her.

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  4. good job. nypd is worse but not all cops are bad in my experience

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  5. Reason number 1001 why I can't stand cops.

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  6. That guy was an ass. All of the cops that I know are great guys who would go out of their way to help you.

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  7. Well you should have told the officer about the sign being hidden in the overgrowth. Have someone that works in city maintenence trim that branch. Or maybe you're just being lazy? LOL glad you didn't get a ticket though.

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  8. What _n _sshole. Wish you nothing but the best with your book. My _ is broken! Sorry:-(

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  9. you should have backed into his car and drove off

    and then go on a wild police chase

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  10. Cops are douchebags. Our 2 here in our small town got kicked off the forces in the 2 large towns near us, 1 for possible rape! Ugh.

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  11. Like an *actual* cop? Not a Meter Maid or Traffic Enforcement Dude?

    What the Hell? THATs being a cop these days?

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  12. Don't get me wrong, guys. Being a police officer is a thankless job, and I'm glad somebody wants to do it. And I've got a couple friends who are cops and are great guys. But yes, the guy today...total prick.

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  13. Wow. They should put a line in the policeman's job application that says, "Are you an ass?" Then, if they write "yes" in the blank space they get shuffled off to a comic book store, you know, somewhere where that sort of behavior is appreciated.

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  14. wow really? a cop did that? believable....

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  15. I actually got a parking ticket in high school for being like 3" into a no parking zone. I argued and wheedled and pleaded and finally swore at the cop. Of course, this was before tasers had been widely used.

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  16. Smart move, I hate when cops are being dicks for no reason!

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  17. If you were a donut then he would have eaten you alive!

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  18. Haha he's such a grumpy police officer! Yaay! let us know when your book hits the shelves. I want my personal autographed copy :)

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  19. In some city in Germany...was it Hamburg? Let's go with Hamburg cos it sounds tasty...they gave the traffic warden people scooters...so they are even faster. They write like 50 tickets a day or something...vroom vroom!

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  20. I remember when my dad used to park in illegal spots (like, the SIDEWALK) to do something real quick and he would leave me in the car to deal with any cops.

    I guess he thought an 8 year old's sweet smile and nervous "um, my dad's just dropping something off" excuse would work.

    May we say GENIUS?

    What a great dad. *raised sarcasm hand so high I am braiding Athena's armpit hair. GROSS.*

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  21. I think I would have been suspicious by the fact there was plenty of available parking spots. That is not normal, anywhere

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  22. Seriously...that just sounds so random and, unfortunately, cop-like. At least he didn't ask if your mummy or daddy owned the car...some people, seriously. Hope your day got better.

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  23. Rage! Whoever invented the arbitrary parking laws (like b.s. street sweeper days) and meters hopefully is hopefully nestled comfortably in Satan's taint.

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  24. I hate when cops do stuff like that. I got busted once for going 35 in a 45, about 30 feet from the 45 mile an hour sign. Yeah, sometimes the cops aren't so friendly.

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  25. Why do cops always have flattops?

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  26. if the sign isn't clearly visable, you can dispute the ticket.. but really, who has that kind of time. What a jerk.

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  27. Wow, he couldn't even have the decency to warn you...Somehow I'm not surprised. Luckily you got punched in the balls by your spider sense. Great read, glad to hear you didnt get a ticket too. Goodluck with your novel manuscript, following.

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  28. What a jerk cop. People like that piss me off.

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  29. Meanwhile down the street some kid is getting shot at.

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  30. I thought this was going to end with 15 cops hitting you with their nightsticks.

    I am glad you escaped!

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  31. Same thing happened to me when I lived in Hyde Park, only I walked over to the police car, asked if it was legal to park in s pot where the lines were obscured by snow and ice... he told me it was, and I found a ticket on the windshield the next morning.

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  32. uggh... hate parking tickets. got one on Easter---$50 for my 10 min expired meter. so mad, I shouldn't have had that 2nd bloody mary.

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  33. Oh yes, they lie in wait. I got $50. ticket (and my car was towed!) in Boston last year for parking in one of those "never on the third Tuesday of the month, between 4 and 5pm during the summer, and 1 and 2 in the winter..." when the street is being cleaned." I paid the tow fee and picked up my car but never paid the ticket. I'm now probably on the most wanted list. I've gotta get me some of that Spidey sense. ;)

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  34. I've got so many parking tickets over the years, easily over $1000.

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  35. Good that you managed to turn around, he would've got you!

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  36. hey... you didnt get a ticket, so it could have been worse, and its just a poliece officers job to give tickets. he gives his ticket, gets his pay check and goes home to his family/dog. just like every other working person in society. at least he dosent cheat the goverment for free money and lay on his but at home all day. im not supporting him, but dont you believe every person gets pissed when they find a parking ticket attached to their windshield?

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  37. To be honest, I think you should have reported the cop. As you said, the sign was obscured by overgrowth and the cop was just sitting on their ass waiting to issue a ticket.

    They have better things to do than that. You're a taxpayer, so you've earned the right to complain about your services to the city that allegedly provides them.

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  38. Makes you wonder what crawled up his anus that morning.

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  39. I had fun reading this post. I want to see more on this subject.. Thanks for writing this nice article. Parking Signs

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