Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Screaming Infidelities

      I've been married for what, 2 weeks now?--Which is already longer than 50% of marriages in the US (look it up--the average marriage lasts 17 hours and 23 minutes). And in that time I've already seen a great deal of infidelity. As you may recall from my very first post, the neighbor down the street has been fucking the ugly garage repairman. Well, it seems like this finally caught up with them, as they not only listed their house for sale, but they also moved out the same day--today.
      They have 2 moving trucks. One out front, and one out back. One is being loaded with all of the stuff belonging to the wife, and the other is being loaded with stuff belonging to the husband. Infidelity is ugly, and just as ugly is divorce.


Truck number 1, out front. Also: a shot of my killer tomato and strawberry plants

Truck number 2, out back. Also, my completely useless patio set (does anyone ever use those things?)

      But it got me to thinking about infidelity, and more importantly, why people do it. Why instead of just telling your loved one you're unhappy, you wait until the garage repairman bends over and tell him you want to tickle his taint. (I imagine that's how she seduced him, but alas, I'm no romance writer).
      For shits and grins I checked out AshleyMadison.com. If you haven't heard of it, it's the site that was all over the media some time ago for its brash commercials; two people are getting ready to have sex, and the tagline says, "These two are married... but not to each other." It's a site to find someone to have an affair with.
      It's every bit as bad as you'd think. The average user is a 40-50 year old woman who's 'unsatisfied' by her husband. She's looking for romance and fun and a set of 6 pack abs to go with her 'keg.' But perhaps the most disturbing is the user rating system. If you meet up with this woman and fuck her, you're entitled to leave feedback on how it was, which is posted on her public profile. Seriously. See below for a more 'filled out' profile of a random woman.




      This is used, as the FAQ says, to entice members. Now maybe I'm just old fashioned, but is it really a turn on that a girl's been used by at least (57) guys in the past 6 months, and (2) of them think she was a pretty bad fuck at first, but she's gotten better over time? "How exciting! Will you please add me to your queue of guys?"
      After reading this I made the sign of the cross twice, and I'm not even Catholic.
      So what do you guys think about this? Weird? Gross? Perfectly acceptable practice? Am I just an old guy now?
  
      Also, if you get a chance, check out the account that my wife and I set up. You'll know it because my avatar is a picture of me projectile vomiting.


Also, be sure and check out Brandon's. He doesn't know he signed up yet, but he's already got some great feedback.


Just so you know we're "dedicated" to our "craft", Brandon and I did actually set up an account on this sleazy site so we could take a good long look at the underbelly of the beast. The result was every bit as sad and pathetic as I knew it would be. And even holy water can't scour these eyeballs clean now.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Amused
Beer: Home brewed
Shower: currently being shared with a 50 year old housewife who gave me crabs

Oh, and if you're wondering, I don't need this service, because I turn on my wife EVERY time.




* I promise I don't look a THING like this in real life

46 comments:

  1. man wtf thats desgusting. cheating makes my blood boil... but theres even a website for it?! wtf...

    i know why people do it, its a psychological thing... it makes them feel better about themselfs... the ability to mate with more than one partner.

    people are so primitive at times.

    to the point of being purly animals.

    ReplyDelete
  2. that website is so gross! you should become a romance writer though, that seduction bit was great!

    ReplyDelete
  3. the last picture made me a little nauseous...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Ugh, that's pretty gross, and I'm pretty sure there's no more tread on those tires.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Your nipples are oddly pink like mine. That definitely helps the marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  6. dang your nipples are huge!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. you need a comfortable patio set. that one looks hard. i wouldnt use it either

    ReplyDelete
  8. They'd be better off getting vibrators. They wouldn't even have to offer to tickle any taint.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't really understand it myself. I mean, I can imagine that it would be exciting but how could you go back and act like normal with your other half? I don't know about anyone else but I am close with mine and she would know if something like that had happened. Looking is one thing but touching? Surely that's what porn is there for if you're that way inclined.

    ReplyDelete
  10. They just showed a documentary about that website over here. Technology these days.

    And 'tickle his taint' sounds like it could have come from a Mills & Boon book and that's technically romance. I say this because my mother reads them and she read a line to me once that went a little something like this - 'He was as fertile as a turtle.' I wasn't sure whether it was a compliment or an insult...

    ReplyDelete
  11. I've registered on AshleyMadison, and I got a few messages. Never wrote back.

    ReplyDelete
  12. * I promise I don't look a THING like this in real life

    Is that one of the options?

    Tick!

    ReplyDelete
  13. “The world’s leading married dating service for discreet encounters.” So right off the bat they announce this is a website created for the express purpose of helping married couples cheat on their spouses.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I assured my wife that I wouldn't cheat, citing my excessive laziness and trying to seduce anyone is a lot of work, let alone maintaining an affair. Oh and the love and trust, yeah, that too.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Those tomatos and strawberries are looking good :)

    ReplyDelete
  16. AWWW, Bryan. You still look delicious even with a pot belly. Totally bangable. That gargantuan stomach could just act as a post-coital cushion.

    Funny post as usual. :D

    ReplyDelete
  17. Oh my. That's funny.

    Sorry...i haven't had any coffee, my new van wouldn't start and the train I'm in is stuck in between stations. I'm stumped for clever here.

    But thanks for the laugh...it was muchly needed

    ReplyDelete
  18. That's awesome, like cheaters need a reason to cheat or something....

    Sloppy seconds is what that lady's profile sounds like!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Also, you know I rarely pimp out my place, but I’d really love to hear from the people that I myself like to read, on this particular post.

    So if you could make a comment here:
    http://dontmakeitlikeimdumb.blogspot.com/ that would be super sweet.

    THANKS
    a-

    ReplyDelete
  20. Pretty hilarious. And gross. But I love how your torso looks like a surprised hound dog wearing a colorful g-string-like collar. That's fehkin' sexy. Ahwoooo! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Are those undies made from German camo?

    ReplyDelete
  22. The only way I agreed to get married was if we both agreed that if we felt the need to cheat we would respect the other one enough to say it's over first and then move on. What gives a person the right to think they can have their cake and eat it too? It's just wrong on all levels. Love your sense of humor. It's just awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  23. If I ever became unhappy with my husband I would let him know. Why cheat behind his back? That is just ridicules! I have been cheated on before and it sucks!

    ReplyDelete
  24. THAT'S A DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL SONG! :D
    Sorry. I had to.

    And...Cheating pisses me off so much.
    It's so scary that hearts can be broken SO easily. :/

    ReplyDelete
  25. The homogay ones are even better! I swear my BFF and I have the most fun when we're perusing the men who've chatted him up on the Manhunt.

    ReplyDelete
  26. hes lying he probably does looks like that belly and pepperoni nipples!

    ReplyDelete
  27. But how else are older girls going to find young men to service them?

    ReplyDelete
  28. i'm pretty sure it's an instinctive desire.

    ReplyDelete
  29. This is so sad that I'm wiping the tears from my eyes... thing is, they came from laughing. "Cried After" and "Cried During" were just too much. Nice post. And, wow.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I read a psychologist's magazine that said that a lot of infidelities happen when the person reports being perfectly happy in the relationship! Crazy. I have to check out this Ashley Madison.... it sounds horrific. I don't think you're being "old". In fact, I'm surprised that women that age are on here; I would think that it would be 'young people' cause old people are too prude.
    Also, I love the fact that you drew yourself with socks on. There is nothing hotter than a naked man wearing only socks. <~~ Not true.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Lol people should just tell the truth! This is just sick >_<

    ReplyDelete
  32. I am a firm believer that even if your marriage is in shambles, you're separated, etc... It's still cheating if you date someone you're not legally married to. Get the divorce, then you're single.

    It's just the right way to do it. Nothing gets complicated, no doors are closed until you're sure you want them to be, etc...

    Now... I can't say I LIKE the idea of that site, but I could see it having a pretty solid following... I'm a little disappointed in my fellow humans that it's apparently SPECIFICALLY for extra-marital affairs... Wouldn't be so bad if it were just for singles, I think.

    Even still, that's just swimming with sharks. Someone is just asking for some kind of trouble or another.

    ReplyDelete
  33. what are you doing putting my feedback out in the public!?

    ReplyDelete
  34. Cheating is weak and too easy!

    Please tell me you take your socks off!?

    ReplyDelete
  35. I guess the horny married folks have a place besides Facebook and Craigslist to creep. So at least someones making money off it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  36. Oh dear. My eyes have been opened a little wider, which never seems to be a good thing on the internet.

    ReplyDelete
  37. disgusting... but, in modern day america disgusting= amusing

    ReplyDelete
  38. oh, by the way, i love the last picture!

    ReplyDelete
  39. Haha, just found this blog. Haven't gotten through it all yet but you guys are hilarious.

    I probably should stop reading it at work though. My co-worker just saw the last picture, not sure how I'm going to explain it...

    ReplyDelete
  40. That's disgusting. Why would you cheat? Why would you post a profile saying you're gonna cheat? Why would you go on a site that can show people how much you had sex! That is gross and humiliating.

    http://theadorkableditzmissteps.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  41. a website like that actually EXISTS?
    jeez!

    ReplyDelete