Wednesday, May 25, 2011

The Wedding Report, Pt. 2

            As Bryan mentioned on Monday, the world didn’t end. Sadly, it’s true. Sorry folks, if you’re anything like me, you were equally disappointed to wake up Sunday morning and find that the world was still ripe with the un-raptured agents of dumbfuckery. I know, it came as a shock to everyone. But, I assure you, it’s going to be alright. We’re just going to have to live with the fact that the gullible idiots of the world really aren’t going anywhere. Church bells will continue to toll on Sundays. Televangelists will continue to blame Satan for their public homosexual affairs. Altar boys will remain nervous. Shitty, wholesome rock music will still be made. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but just sit back, grab a frosty brew, and relax. It’s all going to be okay.    
            The day he got married, the world only ended for Bryan’s testicles. It was a beautiful thing. And now that he’s had a good couple days to get over it and there are a thousand miles between us, I think he’s forgiven me for keeping him out all night before his wedding, drinking pitchers of Rail Yard amber and throwing paper airplane dollar bills at strippers drinking pitchers of Rail Yard amber and throwing paper airplane dollar bills at strippers.
            The wedding was a lot of fun. As far as the beer, wine, and lingering bachelor party hangover would allow, I recall it going something like this…

            I guarded the ceremonial wedding rings with my life...and my sphincter. A drug smuggler couldn't have done better.






            Next, I gave a stellar Best Man speech.

I savored the flavorful complexity of gourmet cupcakes.

            And finally, I dazzled my fiancé and Bryan’s new family with my karaoke skills. Along with the two single dudes who inadvertently became each other’s date, our vocal recreation of the Backstreet Boys was uncanny.
            All in all, it was a great day, and an awesome trip home for the weekend.

Cheers,

-brandon

            Music: The Turtles
            Beer: Rail Yard amber (from the Wynkoop Brewpub, bitches!)

           

37 comments:

  1. Sounds like it was an excellent wedding...Backstreet Boys though? Interesting choice...

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  2. Sounds like it was fun. What a buddy you are. I want the video of the karioke. Glad it was fun for all. And also glad you liked my How I Got The Name Bouncin' Barb story! Ain't Bruce a hoot? Never a dull moment around him.

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  3. The Wynkoop is a great brewry, I'm jealous! But in 2 weeks I'll be heading to Denver to go see Richard Cheese- front row bitches! lol Need to have plenty of beer on board for that!



    mywarpedworld.blogspot.com

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  4. those rainbow cupcakes sound awesome!

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  5. Sounds like fun was had by all. I for one, also celebrated the rapture by getting slobberknockered. The aftermath was ugly.

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  6. mmmmm! Gourmet cupcakes!! :D

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  7. sounds like fun. backstreet boys?

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  8. Beer, wine, cupcakes and asspain. Hot combination :P

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  10. Lol Your speech was probably the most epic speech at the wedding!

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  11. So you pulled that one out your ass huh?

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  12. I was super excited when I heard jesus was bringing raptors back.

    Also hilarious rainbow face, love it.

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  13. Hahaha i luv u both- Bryan & Brandon. Now that i know u are two different people, i'm beginning to pay closer attention to who writes what post :)
    and LOL, i heard people were selling their property in anticipation of judgement day!! :P

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  14. "And altar boys will remain nervous."

    I laughed. Hard.

    I found your whole rapture speech HILARIOUS. And the comics were PRICELESS, as usual.

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  15. That sounds awesome! And the rapture bit had me laughing out loud.

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  16. lol I'm terrified about what my buddy will say in his speech at my wedding.

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  17. hahaha

    canary diamond or a corn kernel

    hahahah!!!!!

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  18. Yeah, the Christians are still here...

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  19. Diamonds are a good source of fiber.

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  20. Congrats! Sounds like a most excellent party. And since Doomsday has been postponed? You'll have time for a little honeymoon.

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  21. Nice. What no youtube recordings of this karaoke? boo.

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  22. I sacrificed my cats in preparation for the rapture. I didn't want them to be left alone to die of starvation and loneliness. Now I'm the one that's lonely...

    I'm glad his wedding went well. Congrats Bryan. And Brandon... I hope you used a condom because I heard that rainbow cupcake is a whore.

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  23. I'm betting it was a corn kernel. That is a great place to keep wedding rings though, especially when they're not yours. I'm sure the bride and groom really appreciated that :-D

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  24. I so wish you posted the backstreet performance on youtube.

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  25. Now every guy needs a best man like that. ;)

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  26. Backstreet boys, jeez that takes me back. Someone gave me a backstreet boys t-shirt once.. I think it's in my storage room somwhere. Congrats again on the wedding

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