Monday, May 23, 2011

The Wedding Report, Part I

           So a lot happened the last few days. The world didn't end, and Harold Camping looks like the world's biggest asshole. Brandon came here to visit, which was awesome and a lot of fun. And oh yeah, I got married.
           At first I wasn't sure it was going to come together. The bride and I were doing everything ourselves, and once it hit an hour before the ceremony, she had to go get ready and I was left to set everything up by myself. Like the many armed goddess Shiva, I had to pull up my big girl panties and make things happen. See diagram below.



1. Platter of bacon wrapped shrimp I grilled
2. Extra serving spoon for mashed potatoes
3. Beer to calm my nerves
4. English to Spanish dictionary so I can talk to Grandma-in-law, who speaks no English
5. A symbolic offering of my testicles on a silver platter (symbolic because they already belonged to the woman long before we married)
6. The Flaming Sword of Anthor (for slaying dragons, duh)
7. Another beer to calm my nerves (double fisting it!)
8. My Shake Weight(TM)... gotta keep those serving arms strong, right?
9. My angry tears... pull it together, Sally!


The nuptials were sweet. They kinda went something like this.

 
 
 
 

   I hope the photographer captured that. It'd be a great addition to the office.


And so now I'm happily married, and I'm also able to return to blogging, both of which is fantastic. I've missed you guys a lot, so expect some blog lovin' in the next few days. Also look for Brandon's report of the wedding on Wednesday. In the meanwhile, I'm gonna go spend some time with the new wifey, but I'll leave you with this...

If you remember THE Neighbor (see either this story or this story for the craziness) you know that he hates my guts. And in the 1 year I've lived here, he has never spoken to me. Not once. So imagine my surprise when I'm loading up folding chairs in my father-in-law's SUV to return to the rental place, and the neighbor steps outside of the house, smiling his cheesy fake smile. He then asks if he can move his truck, so I could pull in the SUV closer and save myself some trouble. Uh... what?

 
 

His exact words. "I'm just happy to help you out." So now we're cool? I don't get it. I can't stress this enough, this man hates me. He's never spoken to me prior to this, has yelled at my now-wife, and has called the police on us. And now he's just being our friendly neighbor?

But alas, this was not the weirdest part. Right as he went to move his truck he asked me this:

 
 
 
 
 


Yep, the neighbor's "really happy" for us and thinks we're buddies now. God, I need a beer.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: "Flabbergasted" (even more so than Harold Camping, because unlike the end of the world not happening, this IS shocking)
Beer: Avalanche
Shower: It feels like I need to scrub myself extra hard after having that conversation

44 comments:

  1. Oh man!! Congrats on the wedding!! Sorry about the neighbor though... if you would like I could send you a zombies Everywhere bumper sticker as a wedding gift! (its not much I know, but I am kinda poor. lol.) Just email me at zombehseverywhere@yahoo.com

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  2. You married your woman, but your neighbor wants to snuggle? Dude, that makes you the meat in a very very wrong sammich...

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  3. Sounds like your neighbor is willing to accept you now that you're no longer living in sin. You're in!

    Seriously, congrats.

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  4. Congratulations on the wedding. If the drawings are anything to go by it looked like it went well. Still think the neighbour is very creepy...very very creepy.

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  5. LMAO!! Congrats! Im not falling for the lemon party thing...haha!

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  6. That sucks, I got drunk with several of my neighbors over the weekend. Congrats on the big day! Use the Flaming Sword of Anthor to protect your bride for all she's worth!

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  7. Oh God...I was with you until that last cartoon and caption! *Shiver*

    Congrats on the lovely (though tear filled) wedding. I am sure you and the "wifey" will be happy together until you are old and saggy. Awww...how cute. hehe. I kid though...congratulations and long and happy life to you both.

    Your neighbor on the other hand...he can go ahead and do us all a favor by "disapearing". I won't tell if you don't tell.

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  8. OH GOD YOU'RE MARRIED OH GOD YOU'RE MARRIED OH GOD YOU'RE MARRIED OH GOD YOU'RE MARRIED congratulations

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  9. Congrats! I wish y'all the best.

    Married life is great - I am married to two people, and let me tell you: It's the most wonderful thing a man, a woman, and another woman can do...

    I'm sort of jealous of your flaming sword, though...

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  10. Congratulations! Apparently making a life-altering decision is all it took to bring you closer to your neighbor. Tweak those nipple rings (it's like a metaphor for all neighborly relationships).

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  11. Hey congrats! Just FYI, I don't understand crying at weddings. I didn't do it at my own or anyone else's....

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  12. So how was the honeymoon night? Details please!

    thebluntonion.blogspot.com

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  13. Maybe he wanted to come to the party? Where is that scary bean face from? Someone put a sticker with that face up in a Starbucks and I took a photo.

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  14. Congrats! You got married and the world didn't end ... I'd take that as a good omen.

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  15. Congratulations on your marriage and many, many years of happiness to you.

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  16. OMG i love you! you're so hilarious! and the drawings of your neighbor cracked me up a lot! congrats on your wedding :)

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  17. CONGRATULATIONS !! and all the best

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  18. congratulations!! now you can start having babies!!!

    You can visit my blog here.

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  19. oh god, you managed to creep me out with the last pic

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  20. Congrats! I was a little bummed the world didn't end, was looking forward to the post looting party I was invited to attend, oh well there is always October 21.

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  21. That damn neighbor! Well, congratulations bro ;)

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  22. CONGRATULATIONS MY FRIEND! THE BEST OF EVERYTHING TO YOU AND YOUR WIFE. Now there was only one reference to 'fiance' so you're getting used to calling her "wife" I hope! haha
    Glad you're back. We missed you although Brandon did a bang up job while you were off. Now I know why you are following all my alien neighbor stories! This guy did all that to you guys and now wants to be buddies? Weird. Maybe we should do a neighbor blog sometime!!

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  23. a.) Congrats on losing your balls, I mean getting married!! :-D
    b.) The picture of your wife bursting into tears with all that smeared makeup made me literally LOL. I'm going to do the SAME THING, I know it.
    c.) Perhaps your neighbor is super Christian and was angry at you and your girlfriend for living in sin. Harold Camping would NOT approve, Bryan.

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  24. CONGRATULATIONS...now I want to have a beer in the shower to celebrate your nuptials, maybe some nipple tweaking too. good times.

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  25. lol yeah your probly right, and whose getting married?

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  26. Congrats on the wedding. I'm new here and came over from Mynx's party. Love the pictures and the story reminds me of my old (thank the lord they sold their house) neighbor.

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  27. LOL congrats man! Now it's time to celebrate with beer

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  28. Wash the bridetears and bloodpee off your face, you're someone's husband now.

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  29. Congratulations on the wedding. In less than a year, you can start making the "ol' ball and chain" jokes you don't really mean but are required by law when talking to other men everywhere.

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  30. That was the best pre-during and post wedding recap! haha!!!

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  31. Holy Crap! You live next door to The Mask!

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  32. Congratz to you both!!!!

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  33. Congrats on the wedding!!
    I'd love to give you guys your first pack of Sharpies as a couple. :3

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  34. I laughed at how awkward that conversation with your neighbor must have been. I accidentally insulted my neighbor on Saturday... I was out on my deck with a buddy drinking and she's like "hey guys, how was your judgment day?"

    And of course I thought she was joking, so I was like "Oh it was fuckin' great, Jesus came down and had a few beers with us, smoked a j, you know. That Jesus is a crazy motherfuckerr!"

    Shoulda seen the look on her face!

    Congrats on the wedding btw

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  35. Grats on the wedding! And yeah creepily over-eager neighbors are really, really hard to shake off.

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  36. LOVE THE COMICS. WE MISSED YOUR POSTS. (And I'm rubbing my hands in glee that I shall now be able to tell who's Bryan and who's Brandon by the simple reference to a WIFE.)

    also, congratulations.

    God will now smile upon you when you copulate.

    ...Which, should, like, earn you fifty Godly points?

    See ya in heaven, bud.

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  37. Congratulations !
    The drawings are great :)

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  38. Congratulations. I could really use some bacon wrapped shrimp.

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  39. Marriage is the best. Congrats on yours.

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  40. Congrats! Also I love the painting of the wife!!!!

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  41. Aaahhh, that neighbor thing's creepy! (Like he knew something you don't?) It may be time for a move. Congratulations, Bryan!!

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  42. Congrats on being married, sorry about the creepy neighbors though.

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  43. Sorry bro, but Shiva isn't a goddess, he is a god.
    Just so you know. Ain't trying to be a prick or anything.
    You might get into some heat with that with some orthodox-Hindus.

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