Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Backwash

Hi folks. Brandon here, and I come bearing good news. I'm happy to report that Bryan and I are mere days away from finishing our new novel manuscript. We're buckling down to give man-birth to this sucker before the big wedding next week, after which I'm sure Bryan will be too busy punishing the headboard with his new bride have more important things on his mind than writing. And me, well, I've got important stuff to do too, like...well, I just do dammit!

So, today we're taking a trip down memory lane, for those of our newer followers who like us enough to read, but not necessarily to sift through four months of bullshit to catch up. Below is a post called Remedial Me, originally from somewhere around January.

Also, we don't want anyone to think we're neglecting you since our commenting is going to be sparse for the next couple weeks. It's us, not you. But we can still be friends. Maybe with benefits? We still respect you and you're always welcome to stop by. There's some cab fare on the nightstand. Try not to wake our roommate on your way out.

Cheers,
brandon



Remedial Me

Today I took a trip to the land of the Munchkins. Not the one inspired by L. Frank Baum's dalliance with LSD,  but the one where your average, nose-mining, nine-year-old spends the majority of his daytime hours. Elementary school (or Primary school if you've got an accent): that magical place where our future leaders and/or prison population are shuffled off into classrooms to learn their three R's. At least, in my day, it was the three R's. Probably as a result of my generation, at some point in the last two decades, someone realized that maybe an Education slogan centered around Reading, Riting, and Rithmetic might be sending students the Rong message.  idu WTF d prob S thO . gramA S OvR8d .

Why, you may ask, was I wandering the halls of the local Catholic school today? I am not a sexual deviant on the prowl. And I'm certainly not a man of the seminary. Nor am I one of the scumbags who tries to play both parts.

No, today, I was on official business. Which doesn't mean I was wearing a Santa suit, either. I'm neither fat nor jolly enough to be anything more than a sickly Mr. Claus, so I spread Holiday cheer in the next best way. I got to read Christmas books to second graders in my fiancee's classroom. And it was a blast. Kids are great. They ask what your favorite scary movie is (Beetlejuice), why you're eyes are brown (because I'm completely full of shit), and how many babies you're planning on having with their teacher (enough to make sure I'll have a compatible liver donor when I'm in my forties). It was great fun. I figure, being able to come up with a politically-correct and age-appropriate answer for about one in three questions was pretty good of me.

And I learned this about kids: if you can't come up with a good answer, all you have to do is kick your vocabulary in the ass a little bit, and either confusion will make them forget the question, or awe will lift you upon the shoulders of Einstein. Kids are easy. Obviously, I'm no teacher. But, that's fine by me. After spending half a day in a classroom, I don't understand why you don't see any homicidal educators in the news. Without going into details, I've come to the conclusion that teachers rock. I believe that the good ones are the world's first line of defense against Dumbfuckery, which is the untreatable, terminal, adult-stage result of dumbfuck parenting.

I'm happy to report that Second grade is still every bit as cool as I remember it, except for the fact that I have to kneel to reach the urinals now. Lunch and recess are as regular as Metamucil, the art teacher's room still smells like patchouli, and Gym is still just an adult word for: "Alright you little shits, go run around and scream off some energy, why don't you." Best of all... lunch still comes in a compartmentalized present of mass-produced goodness (See cellophane below).


Yes, that is a spork, and if you make a move for my juicebox, sucka, it's going to take out your fucking eyeball.

All in all, a good day.

Cheers.

-Brandon

Music: Stormy Weather by The Kooks
Beer: Bells - Two-Hearted Ale

30 comments:

  1. Funny, my gym teacher actually DID call us little shits. That was back when you could still get away with it, I guess...

    Ah, sporks. :)

    And glad to see your journey is coming to a happy ending. Sad that the comments are gonna fade for a bit, you always have good things to add. But it is what it is. Keep on keepin on!

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  2. Good luck. I'm in the tormenting throes of a revision at the moment, so I can sympathize.

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  3. SPORK! SPORK! SPORK!!!... ahhh memories.

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  4. Punishing the headboard.....I like that, good for boys and girls....hope everything goes well.

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  5. Good luck on the man birth, I hear that stuff can get messy.

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  6. they need to add "dumbfuckery" to the dictionary.

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  7. wait.. there are two of u?? :p (didnt know that)
    and haha, yes we "accented" people call elementary school "primary school".
    and i can never ever be a teacher or tutor, i dnt have the patience to deal with kids. Teachers rock!!

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  8. I would be one of those readers who isn't sifting through 4 months of your stuff but doesn't mean I like you any less. So thanks for refreshing a post for lazy asses like me.

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  9. I agree with the above. A lot of my stuff is before I had a lot of followers too. But I don't like them any less, even if they are kind of like those children you had out of wedlock and had to sell off to slavery.

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  10. wow your lives seemed much more normal back then.

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  11. That lunch looks very appetising - bon appetite!

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  12. Just remember to breathe through the pain.

    Good luck fellas!

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  13. Congrats on the near completion of the manuscript. Busy month is right. This post was great. A spork is a spork right?

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  14. friends with benefits?
    YES PLEASE!

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  15. Congrats on the book! I have no idea what it's about, but I'm sure it'll be awesome.

    AND Friends With Benefits?

    Let me just grab a condom real quick.

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  16. mmmm! Those school lunches look down right delicious!! :D

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  17. why you're eyes are brown (because I'm completely full of shit)
    ^ lol'd. looks like you had a good day

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  18. cool - it's like a clip show. Nice to relive the memories.

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  19. That is some scary looking shit. You ate that?

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  20. I'm so glad that we bumped into each other in this cyber-land. I really wish you the very best-est of luck with your novels and stuff. I would definitely buy your books! Have you ever thought of maybe, getting something like a petition together and having all of your followers (all 351 of us) say something about your writing and how much we really want to read your book. Just an idea. And you're right, as much as i do love your blog and reading your posts, I don't really have time to go through all past posts, so thanks for thinking of me. haha. Hope the wedding goes perfectly!

    - Juju x

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  21. very nice, congrats on the book

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  22. Thanks everybody! We appreciate everyone who stops by. You're all gangsta chic.

    And Juliet, thanks for the idea. Bryan and I will certainly be referencing the blog when it comes time to write our pitch. Gracias!

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  23. maybe you guys could schedule a Caesarean instead?

    also mhmm juicebox...

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  24. ... Juliet! My girl! You so clever!!! WoW! If that doesn't make me sound like a lesbian nothing will!

    If the petition idea doesn't work I can always find out where the publishers live and go cut them!!! I'm good like that!!! I'm cute but I'll fucking cut ya!!! *twitchy eye*

    Good luck boys!!! You deserve it!

    Jen xoxo

    http://jensspaghettiblog.blogspot.com

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  25. I'm guessing the lack of comments is because of Blogger's screw up in the last few days. I have that problem with my blog too. Like, I know people commented, but when I try to publish their comments, Blogger says that they no longer exist. Pft.

    Anyway, congratulations on almost finishing the manuscript! YOU ARE CLOSER TO FAME, GLORY, AND PLAYBOY BUNNIES THAN EVER.

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  26. You need those little boxes I can check at the end of your blog that read something like: "You had me laughing so hard I peed my pants" or "nice try buck-o" or "I snorted some juicy juice out my nose". This one is a juicy juice. Nicely written. ;)

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