Monday, April 4, 2011

Small-Scale Genocide

Lately, I’ve discovered that the total extermination of a population is harder than it looks. Over the past few weeks, my apartment has become the red light district of the ant world, and the six-legged scavengers are hellbent on evicting me so’s they could turn the place into their bohemian den of wily insect love. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get rid of all the little bastards. I’ve gone through three different poison baits in the same amount of weeks, and the hillbilly at the hardware store finally suggested I upgrade to an assault rifle. Everyone’s a fucking comedian. So, there I was, twenty dollars later, having gone through enough poison to throw a party in Jonestown, and I still had ants. They were evolving, growing poison resistant.
Luckily, I’m a resourceful guy, and never one to be bested by a lower rung of the food chain, so I turned to a more natural solution. I abducted borrowed nine Silky Anteaters from the Lincoln Park Zoo. Turns out, anteaters are only docile and cuddly until they eat poison-mutated ants. While they solved my ant problem, they also became crazed, burrowed through my living room wall and devoured my neighbor. When I found him, the formerly fat man had been deflated like a fleshy balloon. Well, shit. I was able to bash the brains out of one of the carnivorous anteaters, but once again, I was outgunned.
I made another trip to the zoo, and when I returned, the mutant anteaters had eaten three more neighbors in the building, including poor Mr. Yojiwa and his farty chihuahua. Fortunately, I came bearing vengeance. I came bearing…well, a bear. A Brown Bear, to be exact (no small feat in a compact car, mind you). I was a little worried when Winnie the Pooh didn’t come with his game face on, but eventually an anteater tried to probe his cornhole and the bear did his rampage thing.
As it turns out, my landlord was some kind of Romanian Bear Whisperer back in the Motherland and found himself a new pet. He was sort of pissed that he had to re-list the apartments, but at least he didn’t have to return any security deposits to the deceased. And I had no more ants. Score.



Cheers!

-brandon

Beer: Metropolitan Flywheel
Music: Coheed and Cambria

30 comments:

  1. next time i find ants in the apartment, i'll know exactly what to do, thanks!

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  2. Follow the ants and attack the Queen man. You do know that the workers are sterile ladies with never say die attitude?

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  3. haha i cnt believe ants got u this worked up. like jst squish the little beasts with ur finger :p

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  4. at least it wasnt spiders

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  5. Hey Brandon...for a few sentences I'm totally thinking, poor guy, what a problem...then a few more sentences I'm thinking - wow that's an expensive problem this guy's got...then further into I go...wow he's got a zoo close by and they lend out animals...wow...few sentences more...I'm thinking I gotta get me whatever he's drinking while he's writing 'cause man that's one bad-ass tale!

    Happy times - dead ants, and zoo critters paying their way!
    Jenny

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  6. Never had ants until we moved south. Every spring they appear like clockwork. We got right to the exterminator and get this clear gel that they put on cabinets, countertops, corners. Can't remember the name but it comes in a large syringe lookng container. Works like a charm and they are gone. You can't leave anything out. Even a couple grains of sugar will draw them in. I use clips on everything that gets opened or tupperware. Hate those little bastards. Windex kills them instantly though it just doesn't get rid of them.

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  7. kill em with fire till they are dead.

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  8. BLURGH.

    I hate ants.

    Weirdly, I haven't seen a single ant in Xi'an ever since I moved here 3 years ago.

    I'm guessing it's the climate.

    Yup, you should move to China. Haha.

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  9. There's nothing worst than an army of ants :/

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  10. Good tale of woe, next time use napalm.

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  11. The title instantly made Bowie's magnificent voice ring inside my head...This ain't Rock n' Roll, this is...Genocide!

    But anyway. I find ants fascinating to watch. Not sure how I'd react if they infested my home though.

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  12. Oh man that sucks. I know how that goes

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  13. come to my house and fix my problems with ants tooo!

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  14. Anteaters: the new suburban threat. Subversive, violent, terrifying.

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  15. I guess it's a good thing you didn't have bed bugs, then.

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  16. Ants are some little annoying fartknockers! They are cute as hell OUTSIDE, but in my house, they are getting their little punk asses blown the hell up!

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  17. I had a terrible ant problem a few years back. They never really went away, but my roommate and I waged war as much we could.

    Mainly we just kept making our landlord spray and that kept them at bay long enough to not shoot our brains out.

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  18. I think I'll skip straight to the Romanian with a Bear part, see if that does anything for my ant problems. If not, hey... Romanian with a Bear.

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  19. This sounds like something that would happen to Dale Gribble.

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  20. What the porn girl astride the shark could not rid you of your ant problem?

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  21. You could always make like Ozzy and snort 'em (do a lot of drugs 1st, though).

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  22. and you would have thunk that poison-mutated ants would have solved everything.

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  23. Well... I'm glad to hear the problem has been solved.... I think...

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  24. haha, stay classy man, stay classy!

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  25. I'm avoiding doing any work at the office and this quote cause me to laugh so much I had a few raised eyebrows. "I was a little worried when Winnie the Pooh didn’t come with his game face on, but eventually an anteater tried to probe his cornhole and the bear did his rampage thing."

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