Monday, April 25, 2011

The Slumlord of Suburbia

       Well, the missus is being sent back out to Vegas for another week, and again I'm here by my lonesome, but don't you worry about me. I'm not missing out on anything fun. See, the missus is from Vegas. Her family still lives there, and she's actually just going out there to see the doctor, since she still has insurance under her parents' provider.
        She and I have both visited Vegas more times than I care to remember, and believe it or not, it is possible to get tired of it. Plus, I don't gamble. Isn't there a special place in hell for people who gamble away their government issued unemployment money at a craps table in a seedy Las Vegas hotel?
        But like I said, don't you worry about me. When I'm not setting fire to dogs with my psychic abilities, I've got another hobby. Landlord. As you may recall, I live in a townhouse in suburbia, with terrible neighbors that can burn in the furthest corners of hell. My brother-in-law's trainwreck of an ex-wife used to live in the townhouse a few houses down from us, and now that she's gone and my brother-in-law has no money, my fiance's family is left paying for a townhouse that currently resembles a three-story dumpster.
       The ex-wife that lived there smoked like a train, and if you didn't know that, you'd find out quickly enough when you stepped in the door and got hit by a wall of smoke that's like an emphysema flavored slap to the face. There are still cigarette butts everywhere; on tables, on the floor, in the garbage disposal (WTF right?), mashed in the carpet. The carpet, speaking of which, is toast. In addition to the butts/ash stains, her kid had a fun habit of smashing playdough and pudding and many other unidentifiable liquids into the carpet.
       I'm pretty sure every time you walk into this building, you knock 5 years off of your lifespan.
       So my fiance and I have been cleaning it up and getting it ready to rent out, and with her gone to Vegas, that leaves me in charge of everything. I'm now the Slumlord of Suburbia, which is a damn shame because as a guy who's in good shape and doesn't smoke, I don't feel qualified to be a slumlord. But a lot needs to be done to this dump, and I'm starting to feel the role overtaking me. I had to go over there today to throw away some more junk, and the stuff I keep finding is ridiculous.

 
 
 
 
 
 

 


God I hate that house.

Stay classy, friends,

Bryan

Mood: A little creeped out
Beer: Bring on many of them
Shower: As long as she isn't in there

 

  

46 comments:

  1. Kids just love to mash things into carpets...sigh. Thankfully I've yet to find a decomposing body in any of my closets.

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  2. Hey, the wife's away. Why not, right?

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  3. Well played sir, I wish you did the cartoon instructions that came with Ikea furniture, I might actually read them then.

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  4. Sounds like Brandon got a 'gummer...'

    And if you go to vegas and don't gamble, the shows/strip clubs are for you.

    Or bars. The bars are always fun.

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  5. sure looks like a dump, that picture on the wall should go

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  6. There's nothing like a bit of necrophilia on a bank holiday Monday, good work my friend.

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  7. OMG! Soooo funny! I sent it along to my daughter (don't worry, she's over 21, I'm pretty sure she can handle it...)


    mywarpedworld.blogspot.com

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  8. I'm assuming you own the townhouse? Mental note for next time. Do the periodic house inspection, drop by after 24 hours notice etc... If it's your house, save yourself money later.

    I hate when people smoke, let alone INDOORS and are incapable of seeing their own flith.

    Had my bestfriend stay with me last year. lasted 9 months before I asked her to move out. She was a pig.

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  9. HEY, THAT'S MY WIFE

    KEEP YOUR DIRTY HANDS OFF OF HER!!!

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  10. How anyone can live like that is beyond me. That is just nasty. I feel bad for her parents but thankfully they have you to clean it up. Just put a dumpster outside the front door and haul it out. Gross. And no closet blow-jobs except when you're on a break mister!!

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  11. Bet she's trying to work off some of that rent amiright?

    Love the chain smoking near the well behaved toddler, good stuff.

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  12. Ha ha! The illustrations will never get old! =P And Brandon is dirrrty, dirrrty!

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  13. Ball in a cup! Mexicos favorite toy for over 300 years! :D

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  14. this reminded me of the movie my dead girlfriend
    lol @zombie

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  15. i hope for the sake of your soul that that's not a real picture. also, it's spelled "emphysema".

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  16. Cigarette butts in the garbage disposal? WTF is right! I'm surprised you didn't find female condoms in the fridge.

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  17. hahaha thats hilarious, the part with the cup/ball thing was the best.

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  18. Lol. so funny what u do with the gost. I give u award. Check my page :D

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  19. Ball in a cup is fun even when you're dead? I believe it. Hilarious as always!

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  20. I'd wish you luck on the clean up for the renting, but that RING pic scared the crap out me!!! BTW...can you youtube your psychic burning abilities?

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  21. If the wife isn't home and there's no other options, why not and no teeth is a plus LOL

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  22. Lol, sorry to hear of your predicament Slumlord, but a cheerful and amusing read once again. Please keep it up, and watch out for those women with no teeth ;)

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  23. omg my roomie is pissed cos i'm laughing so hard at your cartoons!! ..hahahaha! ok u shld really consider doing comics or something :p

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  24. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

    OH MY GOD. YOU. ARE. SO. SO. SO. FUNNY.

    It's too bad you're engaged, or you could totally have tapped that ass. I can just tell that she would be great at giving blow jobs.

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  25. hahah thats the funniest thing ive ever seen.

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  26. lmao awesome post man! so funny!

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  27. Ah, the glamorous benefits of being a slum lord.

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  28. OMG so brilliant...creepy brilliant....crilliant??? breepy?..anyway...you need to wash the house! Wash the house? Yes, with feebreze! ...actually I believe that would just make it worse

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  29. haha! great work. the picture of the woman was kinda disturbing, lol. Massive LOL at "neighbors that can burn in the furthest corners of hell'.

    I love your writing and cartoon/pictures!

    - Juju

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  30. Did you watch Deadgirl recently?

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  31. smash the kids into the carpet, or sell them to a mexican sex trafficking ring

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  32. Ha! Been to Vegas and have no need to return (thankfully). I manage some commercial real estate, and this is exactly why I'll never take a residential client. Ugh!
    (Love the Botero inspired wall art.)

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  33. Lol, super hilarious. This one had me laughing out loud a few times. Ball in a cup! It's ball in a cup!

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  34. "Isn't there a special place in hell for people who gamble away their government issued unemployment money at a craps table in a seedy Las Vegas hotel?"

    Your damn strait there is!

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  35. Holy crap, that just made my morning. Well done man, well done.

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  36. Superb!! Perhaps you could use your psychic powers to burn down the building! Although, I suspect there may be a special place in hell for those who do that, as well.

    Hysterically funny!!

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  37. Nice comics. Man, I wonder what goes throgh peoples' heads sometimes when they destroy their own or other people's property.

    Sucks to be a landlord man, I couldn't handle it I can only do light carpentry stuff and I'm good with painting, that's about it.

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  38. Man, I love Vegas. But damned if I'd go there to gamble while on unemployment.

    And the comic... awesome.

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  39. Tired of Vegas??? how can such a thing be true?
    Great comic :)

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  40. Very disturbing.... and yet strangely arousing....

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