Saturday, April 9, 2011

Sleepytime Bloggage

Since I’m exhausted and getting ready to collapse at my computer, this blog post is dedicated to simplicity (Not the “I dun’t learn so good” kind, but the “short and sweet” kind). I’ve decided to expose myself to you, my friends. Lucky you! Now, I’ll just need you to take a second to input your credit card info at the bottom of the page…No? Alright, I don’t blame you. Especially since there’s no cartoon nudity involved, I wouldn’t pay for this drivel either.
So, what am I exposing? I’m giving you a peek at what a typical elapsed minute looks like inside the tap dancer’s minefield that is my thought processes. Here we go…

A)    I wonder if that asshat realizes that even though he’s changed lanes fifteen times on the freeway, he and his angina are nowhere fucking nearer their destination because they’re sitting in TRAFFIC. I wonder if I would need a very big hammer to mash a buttplug into his ear? He’s probably even got a whole trunk full of the things.
B)     Speaking of sexual deviants, I told Bryan I’d have a new chapter of our book done tonight. Shit. I never should have played hopscotch with those drunken midgets. I’ll never get any writing done now. I’m feeling all uninspired and stuff. Maybe if I just stop off at the bar...
C)    Remember that time Aaron lived next door to the gay bar and we always tried to talk him into going there to get free drinks?
D)    Man, Elton John rocks.
E)     The word “pianist” amuses me more than it should.
F)     Stop changing lanes, you illiterate fucking swine! You and your Beemer are nothing but festering, oozy, polyps clogging up the colon trail of traffic!
G)    They make a 1-series BMW now? When did this happen? It looks like a shiny go-kart. I’m pretty sure that’s just a Honda Civic with a boner bullseye on the back. Shame on you, Bavaria.
H)    Aaaah, crème. Delicious. My heart may one day burst from my chest like an aortic cannonball, but damn it will have been worth all those Dunkin’ Donuts crullers.
I just realized that in the last minute there’s been an inordinate amount of sexual phallic imagery running through my head. Don’t read into that.
Cheers,
-brandon
Beer: Green Line
Music: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

45 comments:

  1. Gay bars, boner bullsyeye's, "pianist", Elton John, buttplugs, sexual deviants, colon trails, and lastly creme....my goodness! You are on a gay roll!!! Yikes!

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  2. drunk midget hopscotch is best hopscotch

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  3. I HATE drivers like that on the freeway...

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  4. everything relates back to sex. it's just the way of the world.

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  5. lol drivers that are notorious for switching lanes drive me nuts!! (though i dnt drive..smh)

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  6. Considering how much I have been told guys think about sex, there was less of it in this post than I thought there would be

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  7. Damn I love the name of this blog.

    Funny shit. Very funny shit.

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  8. I love the basic premise of a butt plug in the ear. Because it's like an arrow. Once it gets in the ear, it has to be difficult to get it out. It would take a true pianist to dislodge it...Because his hands are nimble, not because all pianists are adept at butt plugology.

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  9. It always seems to be BMW drivers

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  10. i hate drivers. all of them. everyone of them.

    except me.

    i rock.

    weaving in and out of traffic cutting people off, driving fast in my sporty 1 series beemer...

    yeah, i roll like that bitches...

    beemer = entitlement

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  11. I really have road rage and let Bruce drive. Also, since nobody could afford BMW's in this economy, they went small so somebody could buy them. The owner gets to say hey it's a BMW but it is a revved up Honda! Good post. And explain the rules of hopscotch with a midget?

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  12. great, now the word 'pianist' amuses me

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  13. thats some random shit i got done say mysalf

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  14. Lol haha I have to play hopscotch with drunken leprechauns one day!

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  15. Wow your thoughts completely coincide with mine haha!

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  16. interesting post. insightful and enlighting conversation

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  17. I can't stand it when dumb asses race to the red light lmfao I just point and laugh!

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  18. In gay bars dont they admit no girls or no one would buy drinks for them? Only customers are gay or also the barti?

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  19. Aren't sexual things just about the only thing that goes through a dudes head? Frankly I'm surprised there isn't more time in there dedicated to pondering boobies.

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  20. Cars and booze. Yep. I got stuck at C. I wonder if that bar in boys town, the one with Kens and Barbies all over the bar, is still around.... hmmm.

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  21. I have all kinds of sexual phallic stuff running through my head all the times. In fact my friends state that my innocent little yard art blog could be called penises and balls. Really that is uncalled for.

    Your brain is very very busy. It is good to see you don't devote your massive intellect to anything useful like world peace.

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  22. For a teenager, it's more like 75% the horizontal naked dance and 25% everything else.

    Ah, human evolution has reached a particularly pathetic stage when people start thinking about nothing but their sexual desires. (:

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  23. So a guy walks into a bar and pulls out a 12 inch pianist...no wait I can't tell that joke here.

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  24. your blog just keeps me comign back and coming back!

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  25. Genius can be hard to understand from the viewpoint of an outsider. Thanks for the diagram

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  26. Rusty: I think the same argument holds true for insanity, which is definitely more appropriate here. If there's anything remotely related to the G-word at work on this blog, it's coming from Bryan.

    Cheers!
    -brandon

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  27. I road rage all too often. Perhaps donuts would help with this.

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  28. When I'm driving in my car somewhere I'm usually thinking: beer. However, because of my amazing feminine multitasking abilities I can manage watching the road and the occasional thought of sex.

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  29. Since the two of you always make me laugh with your well-written witty stories, I award you with a Hug-a-Blogger award: http://above-the-norm.blogspot.com/2011/04/hug-blogger-award.html

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  30. You crack me up! I'm wondering if you also ever use the horn like my husband does when he runs into asshats on the road. His honk on the road sounds a little something like this: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK. It embarrasses me sometimes. Okay, all the time.

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  31. omygoodness is the BEST...very very funny.

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  32. Hilarious!!! You had me at Asshat; which I think might have been A on the brainchart; but I'm really uncertain since I'm still laughing.

    Except; Elton John? Does rock; and I remember when rock was young!

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  33. What's wrong with phallic objects? The U.S. government's dropped like 30,000 of 'em on the 3rd world. Oh, wait, no, that was Gary Glitter...

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  34. Nothing wrong about thinking about phallic things. I mean just walking by our under construction family room there are lots of wires that remind us of our family trip to Arches National Park where there were lots of phallic looking rocks.

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