Friday, April 22, 2011

Red Light District

It started off as a night like any other. There I was, sprawled out in bed, borrowing the neighbor's unsecured wireless to watch some South Park and being slowly lulled to sleep by the distant wail of police/ambulance sirens as they taxied around that night's haul of gangbangers. I'd barely reached the gates of dreamland, when there was a scream outside my backdoor. This was followed by a series of louder, more rhythmic squeals.

What the fuck? The neighbors weren't usually screamers in the bedroom. And even if they were feeling vocal, I knew for a fact that neither of them was a soprano-voiced midget. Had that goddamned leprechaun finally come back to exact his vengeance by opening a hobgoblin brothel outside my kitchen window? Or was someone out there erotically asphyxiating a chihuahua? After three disturbing minutes, I couldn't take it any longer. I crawled out of bed.





From the hundreds of stoops, crannies, and trashcans surrounding my building, my window had been luckily selected as the site at which to host an impromptu feline fuckfest. What an honor. Six new types of rabies and scurvy were being conceived on my doorstep. Amidst the tangle of furry legs, I made out at least three cats, shaking and wiggling their gibbly bits in contortionist ways that are probably illegal in some States. I was not in the mood for such shenanigans. I needed sleep dammit. What to do?



Well, it wasn't really dynamite, but cats are inherently terrified by the sound of fireworks. I think it's an evolutionary trait passed on by all the generations of cats who've ever dared to prowl the dumpsters of third-rate restaurants in Chinatown. I slept like a baby.


Cheers!
-brandon

Beer: Goose Island Summertime
Music: The Kinks

45 comments:

  1. Lol, absolutely loved the intro. **** Fake or not,
    EPIC WIN if Real!

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  2. Great...! We had a pair get under our house one night and light the love lamp, and honest to Godfrey it sounded like someone was skinning a cat with a dull spoon. Then the thumping around under the floorboards let us know we had an interloper, and love had turned to a furious three-way territorial fight.

    There aren't words to describe the cachophony three amorous cats can make under a house in quiet suburbia. If I owned a gun I would have blown the water pipes out from under the house, no doubt.

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  3. I get all the time at my place too. Funny story why the cats scream. The male cats penis is kinda like an arrow, so it goes in smoothly but when it comes out it hurts the female cats vagina! Thats evolution for you....

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  4. OMG I loved this. That was so priceless. I've seen ducks and gecko's having 3 somes but not cats. Wish I had better pictures of them. But no lie, 3somes. Lucky ducks! haha.

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  5. this is the best blog i know of...

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  6. I just hate it when cats spread skurvy. I think that is my favorite disease. It fits in nicely everywhere.

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  7. Although I'm pretty sure my comment would have been more credible if I could actually SPELL scurvy.

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  8. Is it wrong to Google "how cats have sex?"

    :/

    Damn my hormones.

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  9. Hilarious...though now I'm left with vaguely disturbing images of soprano voiced midgets and cats...oh my...

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  10. poor cats, all they wanted to do was enjoy a nice trashcan threesome ;_;

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  11. Just sell their remains to the local Chinese food place!

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  12. Very funny! Cats in heat are the noisiest things, too bad it wasn't dynamite!

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  13. My childhood cat was a constant troublemaker, if he wasn't fighting he was screwing. Usually right under my window

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  14. bwahahaha "impromptu feline fuckfest" that is greatness.

    I have been woken to what sounds like a woman getting murdered and screaming for her life and it scares the shit out of me. It's just a chicken being masacred by a fox but still...not okay!

    Glad you found a way to catch some zzzz's.

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  15. Holy shit, where do you live? I think when I lived in NYC I got woken up by weirder shit than anywhere else I have lived before or since.

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  16. hahaha! 1st have i ever mentioned how hilarious u are? i always look 4ward to ur blogposts! aww those poor kitties :/

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  17. Too funny! I'm following you now. Don't have a clue why I never did before.

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  18. Hey, at least it wasn't cats AND midgets all doin' each other at once. You'd probably get eve more disease mutation, too. And imagine if that leprechaun did join in. How fucked up is that?

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  19. one time i was woken up by a similar screeching. i ran outside barefoot and in my bathrobe to discover a couple of cats going at it right in the middle of the street.

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  20. Hahaha, should've taken a picture of the cat orgy for me. That would've fit perfect on my blog. Either way, glad you finally got some peace.

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  21. Team Panda: Sadly true. Three nights running...

    E: Gracias man!

    Riot Kitty: I live in Chicago, but I hope urbanites aren't the only ones who have to deal with it!

    Everyone else: Thanks, as always, for reading. I'm going to make more of an effort to promptly respond to comments from here on out. Cheers!

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  22. Haha man that was an epic win! I think I would have just used the water hose lol, but next time I'm stocking on some fireworks :D

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  23. sounds like you like in a nice gated community

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  24. Sonofabitchshitfuck

    I don't know how I missed this yesterday, when I so needed a laugh.

    Cheers (and thanks, I was doubting if it was funny)

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  25. For some reason, I really like the idea of someone erotically asphyxiating a chihuahua.

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  26. my cock is much bigger than yours -system of a down

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  27. and weel deserved sleep it was...
    i have to confess, i've never heard a cat orgy in my live... it makes me wonder if everything is OK...

    utubed.blogspot.com

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  28. Lmao if this is true this is amazing ;D

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  29. Bart: I undercompensate. And SOaD isn't bad if I'm in the mood for some yodeling. I'm more of a Killswitch man, myself.

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  30. lol This is well done thanks mate

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  31. Haha omg this is just great! I love kitties though... Supported and following. alphabetalife.blogspot.com

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  32. Heh. Didn't know you were Chicago as well. The wife and I are in the Belmont Central neighborhood. I remember Black Cat brand firecrackers... coincidence?

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  33. hahahaha this was quite entertaining. Cats always seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, don't they? Especially when they're fucking and screaming at the top of their tiny little cat lungs.

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  34. damn...you showed those pussies

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  35. You should have pulled an Arnold and said something like, "cat got your tongue," or other such pun variations. But just going back to bed works too.

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  36. Well, you could have given them The Look to set them on fire. Ask Bryan how to do it.

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