Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Not so Fast, Not so Furious

      The following is 100% true, which makes it... well, really pathetic.
      It was Friday night, nearly midnight, and my fiance's flight was coming in. I had just left to go pick her up. She called me about 5 minutes into my trip, informing me that her plane landed 15 minutes earlier than scheduled. I was 20 minutes away, and I needed to get there fast.
      Sure enough, I didn't even take one of my two fast cars; the 400 horsepower Mustang or the 300 horsepower sleeper Taurus. No, I brought the "cute," bug eyed, little-train-that-could 200-horsepower-if-it's-lucky-going-downhill Audi A4. It hits 0-60 in... I don't know. I usually fall asleep by then. But power be damned, I was going to push the little turd to get me there in a respectable time.
      Fortunately for me, if you're a cheap skate (and trust me, I am) and don't want to take the toll road to the airport, you can take this long, 2-lane country road in the middle of nowhere that will lead you there. I took this route, and got inadvertently tangled up in the most pathetic underground street racing organization known to man.
       It started when I noticed that traffic was pretty thick for being midnight. It even came to a dead stop, and no one was moving. I was looking over the steering wheel, trying to figure out why the hell we were stopped... an accident maybe? The police had stopped someone? I saw nothing wrong, but suddenly, everyone took off--very quickly.
        Maybe I was just naive, maybe I was (am) stupid, maybe I was just in a hurry and wasn't thinking, but it didn't occur to me that they were all street racing each other. Nor did it occur to me that I was about to join them. Thinking only about getting to the airport on time, I hammered the gas, flew past some beat up Chevy Silverado belching black smoke, and caught up to this Honda Civic that was absolutely screaming as it was falling behind a very beat up old 80's Mustang.
       I zipped over to the left lane (fuck it, I thought. If these guys are gonna be going fast, then I'll do it too. I'm in a hurry) and passed the Civic. I was coming up hard on the Mustang, and as I passed it, they gave me the biggest, bug eyed expression I've ever seen. Bigger than the stupid bug-eyed front end of my turdmobile.
        I looked down and realized I was going 80 in a 65. Oops. So I coasted over to the right lane and slowed down a hair. Just then the Mustang crept up beside me, with some young guy in a crooked baseball cap rolling down his window and motioning for me to do the same. I looked behind me in the rear view mirror and saw 2 Civics, the Silverado, and what looked to be some kind of Miata.
      ...And I then realized that not only had I just been zipping in and out of a pack of very pathetic street racers, but I was at the front of the line.
        The guy in the junky old Mustang asked me if I was part of the 'crew.' I told him no. He invited me to come race with them, but I told them no, I was in a hurry to get to the airport. He told me my ride was 'sick,' and that they met up in this area at midnight on Friday nights if I ever wanted to join them.
       They turned off to some other dark back road, and I kept going on my way, shaking my head as I wondered if these clowns knew they got bested by a mostly stock 4-banger turbo Audi.
        Ultimately, I only got to the airport 5 minutes late. I was so excited to see my fiance, and she was excited to see me... now that I was... KING OF THE STREET RACERS.

The following is a very, very dramatic rendition:

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Game over.
Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Confident
Beer: Not while I'm driving my speed demon
Shower: I'm gonna be showering in money when I go back next week in my Mustang and hustle those kids

 
 

49 comments:

  1. i wanna believe this happened but i cant. congrats on being king

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  2. I'd invite Vin to join my "crew"...we meet in my bed. just sayin.

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  3. I love it! But why oh why would you buy an A4 that doesn't have the turbo package? That's like buying a 3 series BMW, just so you can tell your friends you own a beemer...

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  4. Vin diesel would play you in a movie, good story.

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  5. hi i drive a 2002 ford focus that's probably pushing 102 horsepower

    criesselftosleep

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  6. I swear, your comics make me laugh every time!

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  7. haha gosh u're hilarious! i cnt believe u kicked ass without even realizing it. they musta been the worst street racers ever lol.

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  8. here he comes
    here comes speed racer!
    he's a demon on wheels
    go speed racer
    go speed racer
    go speed racer go!

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  9. wow a very tame race... I have a little corsa that only has 200 bhp...but it's all light weight so it has a great power to weight ratio

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  10. you'd beat a mustang in the corners maybe.

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  11. Your visuals are so cool. And don't know why Vin said no.

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  12. shit...THAT is funny

    Drive it like it's a rental! That's my motto.

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  13. haha king of the street racers. :D

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  14. It was win win LOL! You showed those kids how to drive the real way and you made it on time haha! It'll be awesome if you see those kids again while your driving mustang XD

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  15. I humped the hell out of my laptop screen! I think the moisture destroyed my keyboard! I think I'm still messed up from my 420 celebrations lol

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  16. Lol, great story! It does almost sound a little far-fetched, but i know a few "pathetic" street-racing crews who do similar set ups XD lol, great read! Much appreciated break from Database Design

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  17. Thanks all for the comments. I know it sounds far fetched. Ridiculous, even. I run into the weirdest shit. But to crunch the numbers:

    My turbo Audi: 200 hp (170 stock, I chipped it + cold air intake = +~30 hp)

    20 year old Chevrolet pickup: 175 hp V8 in a big heavy truck.
    15 year old Honda Civic: 102 hp
    Early 80's Mustang: 165 hp V8.

    All of those... sloooow. The Audi included. But those 3 in particular make for some of the world's worst street racing crew.

    And please, stop drooling over Vin Diesel. It only encourages him to act more.

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  18. Epic. Love it. I have never found myself in an accidental street race but I have done it on purpose. It was stupid but it was the thing to do...drive down to industrial back roads in Philly and rip it up...then run from cops. It was such a thrill. I still drive way too fast but I can't help it...love it!

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  19. Whoa, I would totally watch this cartoon on adult swim.

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  20. That's awesome! lol I know exactly what road you're talking about, me & a friend of mine used to go out to DIA when they were building it at night that way. And your drawings are hilarious!




    mywarpedworld.blogspot.com

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  21. Quite a story..So, street race does exist..So no cops were there?

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  22. You can never be too fast, or too furious.

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  23. Go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, go Speed Racer, goooo.... Sorry I can't get that stupid song out of my head. (And you're probably too young to have seen that show!) So, drag racing is making a come back, eh? ;)

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  24. Love it! But if you are cheap...how do you end up with three cars?

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  25. lol i saw that red car today.

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  26. Vin diesel will love you if he see this comic. i love vin diesel

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  27. Push the little turd was my favorite.

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  28. Your badassness just doubled.

    Keep it up, and you'll be on your way to major hotness.

    (I'm assuming that you aren't already there, of course. But if you are...here's something else to boost your ego. YOU ARE HILARIOUS.)

    Also, thanks for following (AT LAST!) (:

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  29. BAH HA HA HA HA!! That was great. Thank you for helping start my day with laughing at the pathetic. Good times.

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  30. Very funny! Sounds like any random night in West Virginia! Good piece! :)

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  31. Vrrooom Vrrooommm...Vorsprung durch Technik!

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  32. It's time to start your own crew.

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  33. Hahahahaha this is all kinds of hilarious and ridiculous at the same time. I once pretended to race my parents in their Envoy (read: does 0-60 in 10 minutes) as a joke on the freeway once and some guy in a Mustang blasted past me thinking I was trying to race HIM. Wows.

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  34. hey, who wouldn't want to shower in money while drinking beer?

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  35. That is just nuts. Funnily enough we had a similer situation happen to us a few weeks back. Me and a friend were rushing to a store before it close and came across a crew racing down the street with some craptastic cars. Of course, I was driving an FJ Cruiser so I blew right past them. The leader looked so pissed when we past him.

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  36. Accidentally winning a street race... the wondrous things that can happen when you leave the house. I'll have to try it again someday soon.

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  37. I would try that with my car, but it is an 85' Chevy Blazer, and it does tend to make a loud clunk when I try to shift too fast. And on top of that, the speedometer freaks out if you go over 45. But I did just wax it, which might make it go faster...

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  38. #5 is hitting the market....oh yeah, you are invited to follow me blog.house-guy.com
    thank you.

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  39. i enjoyed this tale until i saw vinn diesel's face. i was seconds away from punching my computer screen. thank you for mocking his one liners that they have to interject in that horrible movie preview. also, can they please stop making fast & furious movies yet?

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  40. HAHA. you're blog is nice. great post. Go-you! I would have loved to have been in your postion, being in a street race without realising and beating their asses... the picture/cartoon/skit thing is awesome!

    - Juju

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  41. That is priceless! I sometimes unintentionally drag race coming home at night from class because the cholos that drive down this one street think everything is a freaking race!

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  42. if i had a day like that, i'd either spontaneously combust or shoot myself or people like the blind guy,and those two people moving in......

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