Monday, April 18, 2011

No Guilt in the Champagne Room

It has been said that time and tide waits for no man. In my highly philosophical journey of life thus far, I’ve also discovered that this same principle holds true for the bulging bladder of the barroom beer drinker. Naturally, this means that I’ve seen my share of saloon lavatories, ranging in swankiness from gold-plate-and-marble fixtures to “Wow, so that’s what diarrhea looks like in the sink?” I’ve seen some gnarly shit in my inebriated restroom travels, and for the most part I could care less. At worst I’ll take my coffee without cream for a few days. But, to this day, there’s one element in any restroom that I just can’t handle.
            So, there you are (guys), standing at the urinal, melting ice-cubes or washing porcelain with your mighty stream. All is well. Tension drains out with the rented beer, replaced with relief. And then you feel it…expectant eyes on your backside. You cringe. Not because you are in danger, or about to become a giant, psychopathic man-child’s sexual plaything (Unless you live in Cell Block D). No, the unease is brought about by the fellow sitting patiently on his stool beside the sink, grinning at you warmly as you turn to wash your hands.
The restroom attendant.
His tip jar is full of guilt-soaked ones, and next to it an entire toiletry-aisle worth of untouched crap is spread out: mouthwash, hair gel, combs, floss, cologne bottles, breath mints, aspirin, razors, condoms… everything but the bathroom sink, which of course there is hardly room for amid the mountain of hygiene products you already so foolishly used before leaving the house.
Luckily, all you need to do is wash your hands. But wait…your anxious new friend is prepared and eager to assist you in even this menial task. He holds out a wad of paper towels with a smile. Now what do you do? You didn’t ask him for a paper towel, as you have been capable of executing the tugging motion required to operate the dispenser since the age of five. Do you take the towels, or somehow maneuver around him to get at the blocked dispenser? He smiles on, sending out undulating waves of unjust guilt. You take the towels reluctantly, awkwardly and say thanks. Now, it just so happens that this chap does happen to be a giant, psychopathic man-child, but you’ve a sneaking suspicion that’s part of his shtick. Don’t fall for it. Don’t feel bad. And unless you’ve partaken of his wares, do not feel compelled to stuff money in the tip jar. You went into the bathroom to take a piss. And remember, pissing is always free, unless you do it in front of the cops.

Cheers!

-brandon

Beer: Sofie (Goose Island)
Music: A.F.I.

48 comments:

  1. I have, not once in my life, came across a bathroom attendant

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  2. For some reason I keep picturing that scene from THE CABLE GUY where Carrey poses as an attendant and kicks that Wilson brothers ass.

    Tell me, if you drop a fierce deuce whilst in their place of businesses, then do you tip?

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  3. I have come across a bathroom attendant in only one place in all my life--Chickies and Petes in Philly. There is perfume, hair spray, hair bands, lollipops (honest to God) and other "essentials" I never use them but I do accept the paper towels because it's odd not too. The thing that makes it super strange is that even though the water is automatic (wave in front of it and it goes on) she comes over and waves it for you-turning on your water...um yeah...I can do that myself...thanks! I never leave a tip and I never feel bad about it.

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  4. Lol, I've been to one place in my Life that had a Restroom Attendant, however, i was so young I had no money to tip. Today, unless they were friendly in a non-creepy way, I would probably not tip.

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  5. i tip them every time, but i am wealthy beyond the normal man and full of shit...

    if i ever see another guy in the restroom where i drink,

    there will be blood,

    cuz i cant afford to drink anywhere but home...and if some other guy or one of my buds is trying to get tips in the mancave bathroom...

    there will be blood...

    last tip jar i left in the mancave bathroom, was filled with urine...

    i drained it, took the bills and change, and went and bought some ice cream...

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  6. The only place I have ever seen a mathroo attendant is in a strip club.

    Which probably says too much about the kind of life I lead...

    This blog made me laugh, even if I am a little bit sad now.

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  7. okay, the title of your post is very misleading.

    i totally thought we were here to bad mouth strippers.

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  8. I never came across one of these guys, it must be an really awkward situation, to top that I can't piss when people are looking at me lol

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  9. I have never been to a place where they have a restroom attendant. lol.

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  10. i thought restroom attendants only existed in movies and the olden days. this is probably a really stupid question, but do female restrooms sometimes also have attendants? i've never heard mention of such a thing, though i suppose it wouldn't be nearly as awkward. though i have had to use bar restrooms with no doors on the stalls (the doors were removed to keep people from passing out and not being noticed).

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  11. Tipping someone who watches you urinate is like feeding a bed bug.

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  12. I want to meet one too but only one who wears white gloves and white tux to match! Very posh indeed

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  13. Me either, I have never seen a bath room attendant, as I assume the surely bathroom cleaner is not the same thing. I don't know what a female attendant would do, hand you a tampon.

    um, thanks...

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  14. amen. it's like someone raising my drink to my mouth and then asking for a tip. it's technically less energy, but come on!

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  15. Never been to a place fancy enough to have a bathroom attendant lol.

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  16. This isn't really relevant, but I hate overly enthusiastic employees who stride into the loo to wipe down the cubicle before you've even stepped out of the door.

    Secondly, I hate it when people fail to lock their doors or even to SHUT their doors when using the bathroom. I used to apologize profusely every time I intruded on someone's privacy, but I've stopped after experiencing this for three years.

    Welcome to China.

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  17. I always tip the female bathroom attendant at the club! That's only because I use the hell out of their soap and towels...oh, and also because they have a blind eye to what my boyfriend and I are doing in there :o

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  18. i get em to wash my hands for a nickel.

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  19. hahahah!! i can only imagine how uncomfortable u musta been. I'll have tipped him out of guilt for sure!! lol

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  20. I used to do a lot of bar hopping in my misspent youth, and nearly always tipped the bathroom attendant if there was one. Not because I could afford it, mind you. You nailed it. Guilt.

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  21. They guilt you out of cash, it's that simple. I'd rather find a bathroom empty, and so would they if they were there to dump something... and it creeps me out whenever I realize I'm about to pay someone for helping me dry my own damn hands.

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  22. I love going to the bathrooms where there is an attendant and it is not the cleanest of places. They feel like they are just there to stock TP (which is usually empty in my lucky world) and wipe the sink while in your face to say "hey, don't forget to tip me". I hate that. I also hate the many ladies room are as gross as the ones you've described for men. It's just nasty.

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  23. Maybe it's because I live in abject poverty, but I have never been somewhere that had a bathroom attendant.

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  24. I have also never seen a bathroom attendant

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  25. I'm sure they're just regular guys trying to turn a buck but damn are they annoying on times...especially if you don't carry much cash

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  26. Bathroom attendants exist?!? I had assumed they were just a myth.


    Hey. You're cool.







    Peas out. :P

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  27. great picture and great story! though I don't usually come across bathroom attendants, I laughed with your story, imagining it :D
    doesn't sound comfortable at all!

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  28. Gah! I HATE the bathroom attendant! I was going once at a piano bar and all of a sudden there's this dude brushing off my shoulders. Startled the hell out of me... he's lucky I didn't spin around and squirt him...

    You NEVER jostle a guy with his dick in his hand... I'm like, "if I give you a buck, will you leave me alone? Please?"

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  29. i usually dont end at places with bathroom attendants

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  30. They have the female equivalent and they're just as annoying....

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  31. Thank goodness I am a girl!!

    Following and supporting!

    Yorkie Love

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  32. I can't even remember the last time I've been in a place that had a bathroom attendant, and I've yet to become rich enough to hire one for my own bathroom. Someday, it will happen.

    Dare to dream, dare to dream.

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  33. I know right! We get the same thing in the ladies room at the bar. They wait till you're all liquored up, then when you stumble out of the stall and wash your hands, they hand you the paper towel with one hand and the other hand is outstretched wanting a tip. I'm like, "Dude! I never asked for the paper towel! I was good with wiping my hands on my jeans! I'm drunk, who cares!"

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  34. Loved the punchline at the end. You guys write some great stuff.

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  35. PS I must use the word "dumbfuckery" in a sentence sometime soon.

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  36. I HATE these guys. I don't believe there will ever come a time they'll see dime one from me.

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  37. hah, i've never met a bathroom attendant in my life... must be wrong places i keep visiting

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  38. ask him to get a real job. What would he say about his profession to anyone anyway? I help people while piss in restroom?

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  39. I won't tip them, and won't tip the people at the coffee shop either. If I have to stand in line to order and get my overpriced drink, why should I pay more when I don't pay more for the same actions at McDonalds? I would pity bathroom attendants if they weren't so creepy.

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  40. Been there before. I usually just wash my hands very slowly, so that the person beside me has to distract the attendant as I hastily dry my hands on my jeans and sidestep both of them. Sorry fellow bathroom goers, it's a dog eat dog world out there.

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  41. I've never seen a bathroom attendant in Canada. Maybe they should start incorporating them into our culture so chicks would stop being such fucking pigs.

    FLUSH THE FUCKING TOILET. We don't need to see what you ate and/drank. (Cross our fingers you didn't eat asparagus as well.)

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  42. OMG you're right. Worst bathroom experience ever, to have to accept towels from a bathroom attendant. I NEVER have cash on me. Never. And I am perfectly capable of washing my hands and getting a towel. It's so irritating.

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  43. I always end up getting guilted into tipping. I just can't help it. I use the restroom so many times after so many beers, that I feel bad and even more awkward if I don't. I, of course, always wait until my last stop so that they don't think I'll continue to tip them with every trip!

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