It's Good To Be The King

So thanks to Jewel over at Jewel's Turning 30, we've been crowned Overlord(s?) of the World, which seems like a really terrible idea given our track record of irresponsibility. With that said, a big thanks to Jewel, and if you don't already stalk follow her, you should. She's a great chica, she's very insightful, and she once showed a picture of her rack, which is pretty cool. Stop by and tell her we sent you and she'll take 10% off your next order. I don't think she sells anything. I just made that up.

It matches my burger king paper crown nicely

So the rules of the Overlord Award are that you have to give 3 things you'd do if you were overlord of the world. And while I'm aware that the world is in need of a colossal enema, I'm a man of simplicity, and am feeling a little selfish today. Here are a few things I'd institute as Overlord of our planet.

1. Intensive research into the development of Teflon toilet seats. Now, before you start judging, I'm not one of those germophobes who can't take a crap in unfamiliar territory without a tissue paper ass-doilie. In fact, I never use them. They're statistically pointless; look it up. That said, let's face it, as much as nobody really looks forward to unleashing a stink dragon in public, sometimes it just has to be done. And the last thing anybody wants to see as they fumble with their belt buckle is a seat that looks like it was just powerwashed by a sasquatch with urinary incontinence. Squiggly hairs and neon overspray begone! Piss-reflective seats...check.

2. The same engineering geniuses I employ to create the Teflon poo pad will also design me a remote control that allows me to point it at the nearest bass-blasting vehicle and crank the volume to "Explode." Whether I'm sitting at a stop light jamming to some Warren Zevon, or just lying in bed trying to catch some z's, the last thing I want to hear is the thunderous pulse of some jackoff's mobile dance club as its bass threatens to loosen my bowels. Nobody and their mother gives a damn about these inconsiderate swine, nor their shitty taste in music. So why waste time fuming over dumbfuckery? One push of a button and...kablooey! Urge to kill...falling...falling...gone.

3. I know what you're thinking...way to see the big picture, Brandon! So, for something with a little bigger impact, how about this? My third decree as Overlord would be the legally required wearing of a pointy wizard's hat, clown shoes, and a Snuggie by everyone in public, everywhere. The thinking here is that if everyone looks utterly fucking ridiculous at all times, and knows it, maybe they can start worrying about other people for a change.

Cheers!

-brandon

Beer: Goose Island Summertime
Music: Robert Johnson