|It matches my burger king paper crown nicely|
1. Intensive research into the development of Teflon toilet seats. Now, before you start judging, I'm not one of those germophobes who can't take a crap in unfamiliar territory without a tissue paper ass-doilie. In fact, I never use them. They're statistically pointless; look it up. That said, let's face it, as much as nobody really looks forward to unleashing a stink dragon in public, sometimes it just has to be done. And the last thing anybody wants to see as they fumble with their belt buckle is a seat that looks like it was just powerwashed by a sasquatch with urinary incontinence. Squiggly hairs and neon overspray begone! Piss-reflective seats...check.
2. The same engineering geniuses I employ to create the Teflon poo pad will also design me a remote control that allows me to point it at the nearest bass-blasting vehicle and crank the volume to "Explode." Whether I'm sitting at a stop light jamming to some Warren Zevon, or just lying in bed trying to catch some z's, the last thing I want to hear is the thunderous pulse of some jackoff's mobile dance club as its bass threatens to loosen my bowels. Nobody and their mother gives a damn about these inconsiderate swine, nor their shitty taste in music. So why waste time fuming over dumbfuckery? One push of a button and...kablooey! Urge to kill...falling...falling...gone.
3. I know what you're thinking...way to see the big picture, Brandon! So, for something with a little bigger impact, how about this? My third decree as Overlord would be the legally required wearing of a pointy wizard's hat, clown shoes, and a Snuggie by everyone in public, everywhere. The thinking here is that if everyone looks utterly fucking ridiculous at all times, and knows it, maybe they can start worrying about other people for a change.
Beer: Goose Island Summertime
Music: Robert Johnson