Today's topic: ugly babies.
Let's face it, not all babies are born disgustingly cute. Some are just born, well, disgusting. Maybe it's genetics. Maybe it's karma. Hell, maybe it's both. But just like there are good looking people and ugly looking people, there are cute babies and there are ugly babies.
Some people see this term, 'ugly baby', as an oxymoron. Find the right woman, biological clock in full swing, and she'll tell you that all babies are cute--their smooshy cheeks, their googly eyes, their erratic giggles when they drop a 2 lb surprise into their diaper. It's so disgusting, it's making me want to get a vasectomy as I type this.
It doesn't help that anyone who's undergone the arduous task of making a baby will argue that their baby is the cutest thing to grace our planet earth, even if it looks like it could be hung from the back porch to scare away badgers. It's burned into our DNA, so we don't pop one out, say 'God what the fuck is that?', and bury it in the backyard next to the family dog.
Instead, we find it cute. Adorable, even. Charming. Which is fine. But it crosses the line when they genuinely think this little monster is cuter than OTHER babies.
For example, the worst thing to ever happen to the ugly baby: Facebook.
You know you've all seen it before. A particular friend or relative has a baby, and thinks it's just the cutest thing ever. It's not. It looks like it should be wandering the sewers feeding on mutant rats. But they send you pictures constantly. You log onto Facebook, and every 10 seconds you see new status updates with more horrific pictures of this newborn abomination, lauded as the baby Brad Pitt.
He's angry because he looks like Shrek walked into a nuclear holocaust. And now I'M angry because I'm sick of seeing 200 pictures, daily, of your ugly baby.
Even worse, I hate when a woman with an ugly baby asks you this dreaded question:
I'd never say that, simply because I know better than to offend a hormonal woman, but what do you say to that? "Yes, he's the cutest Sloth impersonator I've ever seen."
Or how about when they ask this one:
Nothing's worse than a hot mom with an ugly baby. Such a shame. Sometimes, though, ugly genetics just can't be helped.
So what do you guys do when you see an ugly baby? Do you give them the truth, or do you lie your ass off? Me, well, I like to cop out and use this little winner.
"Isn't he something?"
Because sometimes, "something" is the only word to describe the godawful creature that should be posted on your front step to ward off swamp monsters.
Stay classy, friends,
Mood: Not hungry anymore
Beer: Do beer goggles make ugly babies cute?
Shower: Kinda feel like I need one now
|Good job, Poopsy. Make daddy proud.|