Friday, March 4, 2011

Your Baby is Ugly

            Today's entry is inspired by a fellow blogger and friend, who shall remain nameless, as we don't want her to be ostracized by the female community. Even the term I'm about to use is cringe-worthy, but it's one that needs to be said. Women with high levels of estrogen, I suggest you waddle out of the room.
            Today's topic: ugly babies.
            Let's face it, not all babies are born disgustingly cute. Some are just born, well, disgusting. Maybe it's genetics. Maybe it's karma. Hell, maybe it's both. But just like there are good looking people and ugly looking people, there are cute babies and there are ugly babies.
            Some people see this term, 'ugly baby', as an oxymoron. Find the right woman, biological clock in full swing, and she'll tell you that all babies are cute--their smooshy cheeks, their googly eyes, their erratic giggles when they drop a 2 lb surprise into their diaper. It's so disgusting, it's making me want to get a vasectomy as I type this.
            It doesn't help that anyone who's undergone the arduous task of making a baby will argue that their baby is the cutest thing to grace our planet earth, even if it looks like it could be hung from the back porch to scare away badgers. It's burned into our DNA, so we don't pop one out, say 'God what the fuck is that?', and bury it in the backyard next to the family dog.
           Instead, we find it cute. Adorable, even. Charming. Which is fine. But it crosses the line when they genuinely think this little monster is cuter than OTHER babies.
           For example, the worst thing to ever happen to the ugly baby: Facebook.
           You know you've all seen it before. A particular friend or relative has a baby, and thinks it's just the cutest thing ever. It's not. It looks like it should be wandering the sewers feeding on mutant rats. But they send you pictures constantly. You log onto Facebook, and every 10 seconds you see new status updates with more horrific pictures of this newborn abomination, lauded as the baby Brad Pitt.


           He's angry because he looks like Shrek walked into a nuclear holocaust. And now I'M angry because I'm sick of seeing 200 pictures, daily, of your ugly baby.
           Even worse, I hate when a woman with an ugly baby asks you this dreaded question:





            I'd never say that, simply because I know better than to offend a hormonal woman, but what do you say to that? "Yes, he's the cutest Sloth impersonator I've ever seen."

            Or how about when they ask this one:

          



            Nothing's worse than a hot mom with an ugly baby. Such a shame. Sometimes, though, ugly genetics just can't be helped.





           
         
             So what do you guys do when you see an ugly baby? Do you give them the truth, or do you lie your ass off? Me, well, I like to cop out and use this little winner.
             "Isn't he something?"
             Because sometimes, "something" is the only word to describe the godawful creature that should be posted on your front step to ward off swamp monsters.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Not hungry anymore
Beer: Do beer goggles make ugly babies cute?
Shower: Kinda feel like I need one now

Good job, Poopsy. Make daddy proud.
         

80 comments:

  1. lmfao I'M SO GLAD SOMEONE SAID IT!!!! Not all babies are cute! And the myth isn't true, two ugly people DO NOT make a pretty baby! Ugly+ugly= really fucking ugly! ;) lol

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  2. Lol I laughed hard! Sometimes, I hate this PC society, where saying something (which may be the truth) is taboo, or we say certain things that we dont mean it but is socially expected.

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  3. i do not like babies in general, all they do is cry and then cry some more

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  4. I once read that evolution has ensured that babies are cute to their parents and adults in general to ensure that adults do not kill them.

    As far as I can tell, the cuteness factor kicks in... later. They kind of look like a clay potery experiment gone wrong for the first few days/weeks after birth.

    (The "I can't believe both of those things have been in your vagina" is one of the funniest lines I've read in a long time. Thanks!)

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  5. lol, reminds me of the ugly baby episode on seinfeld.

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  6. i love the line about badger deterent babies!
    and katy's right. that line was the best!

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  7. LOL awesome post. I just keep my mouth shut because if you have nothing nice to say about the baby, say nothing at all or say she/he's cute a button lol.

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  8. HAHAHAHA, this is hilarious!!!

    Well, as a teenager, I get to use the following excuse: "Well...I'm kind of in the angry puberty stage now so I hate babies. I mean, they look like blended marshmallows! Sorry."

    And then I smile politely and walk away while the adults mumble about "teenagers and their bad attitudes."

    Either that, or I squeal "God, this baby is sooooo cuteeee!" and then disappear before they ask me to hold it.

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  9. most babies are fugly.

    there is a lot of demonseed out there in this f*d up world...

    and fb...just block those jacktarded bugfuggers that post pics of their fugly demonspawn.

    or post pics of sloth in response...

    mebbe they would get the hint?

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  10. oh and hi.lar.i.ous post by the by!
    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  11. Hey I was walking through a store and noticed a book called Diary of a Wimpy kid and the illustrations looked just like yours.

    Coincidence?

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  12. lmfao i say rude shit to babies all the time.

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  13. I hate babies especially big fat babies.

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  14. i think one of my many boyfriends says it best...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpWB_ZiFy-Q

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  15. Tou-To-The-Che!!!

    "Isn't he/she something"- awesome line.
    To be honest, I have 4 daughters and one son (he is too die for handsome) now I shall say no names, BUT, one of my daughters was throw away ugly. I mean as in UG-Lee at birth.
    God was kind and now she is beautiful, but as a baby all I can say is,
    "Lawd hab Mercy, she was pitiful"..

    (Hi guys!!)

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  16. This so reminds me of Seinfeld's Ugly Baby episode. It is startling when you look in a blanket or a crib and see a non-pretty baby. So you start thinking was it that the parents were both ugly? But sometimes good looking parents just have an ugly baby. Then they grow up and become and swan right? hahahaha

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  17. Haha, this rings so true somehow. It's such a shame when you can just look at someone's baby and KNOW it's really not gonna get much better from here haha.

    Try telling the truth to a parent, though. That'd sting. It's not like they can return him lol.

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  18. out of the blue, i cant think of one ugly baby. except if it was a ginger lol

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  19. I've said it before and I'll say it again...it's a rare baby that is straight born cute. Most are disfigured from the birthing process, cone headed, and nasty...but there are some that never lose that look. Ugh...some babies just aren't cute...in that case you LIE! I have never straight told a parent, "DEAR SWEET JESUS....find a monastary somewhere and hide that thing!!!" You always smile and say, "Oh, isn't he precious!" :) Ladies lie so well...and let's face it the parents want to perpetuate their denial...they don't want to hear the truth anyway.

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  20. This reminds me of that Seinfeld episode with the "breathtaking" baby, too!

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  21. Dude, just one more reason why I'm glad I'm childless!

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  22. I admit I was an ugly baby, I think I grunted at people when they looked at me...I swear I totally grew out of it!!...ahem...anyone wants a beer? Drunk people totally like me!

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  23. Beer. I think ugly baby is why we humans don't eat our young.

    "I'm not gonna eat that ugly damn thing. What the hell is that?" is reportedly Adam's first words as Eve gave the first baby its birth.

    Adam's second set of words, "If I had a fire, I would roast the rest of this mess and fry some eggs."

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  24. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! I lost count of the many lols I experienced while reading this post!

    Your friend/fellow blogger is such a bitch for inspiring this post! ;) Just sayin'!

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  25. Where I work there seems to be a constant stream of new-mums bringing their 'darlings' in to see everyone...everything grinds to a halt as everyone coos over the little brats - who normally start screaming the place down!

    However there is one couple where their offspring defies genetics.

    Seriously mom and dad are Shrek and Quasimodo respectively...but some how, out of the cesspool of what must have been their love they managed to produce this cute, smiley happy baby - it makes no sense!

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  26. I'd "hide" Mary Jane Bumfuck.

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  27. haha well as a woman i believe there def are ugly babies, but they occur at a very low rate

    and they can get ugly quick hahaha.

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  28. We've done studies on this and 90% of babies are visually heinous. Weird thing is...down syndrome babies are the cutest babies in the world. But most people tend to take that as insensitive rather than complimentary.

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  29. I agree women like that can get really annoying fast.

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  30. Re: beer goggles: Remember Strange Brew (I don't THINK you have to be Canadian to have seen this one) - "Brought to you in 3B: Three beers and she looks good, eh!"

    However, I have to say, my neive is pretty cute. But you can't have all the like. Like everyone else's kids :P

    God I'm so happy I'll never procreate.

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  31. Until kids are about two or three, they all look like Winston Churchill to me...

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  32. I laughed pretty hard, you totally have my support!

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  33. LOL That's so mean... and so true ..and so funny :D

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  34. I don't have the problem with parents asking me about their children. When I am within five feet of a baby it starts crying. Then the parents just glare at me so I am free to leave without comment.

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  35. You know, I still just get such a kick out of the comic versions of your stories. Damn, those are some ugly babies.

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  36. amen to this... i have being put on the spot with peoples kids like that, since they all expect you to coo and babytalk to them. Even if a kid looks like the elf that steals breaths from Cats Eye, i still feel obligated to say how cute it is.

    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

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  37. frankly, I find most babies ugly. And irritating. And the way people act around them is also ugly and irritating.

    Isn't there some time vortex we could throw them through, where they would just pop out on the other side old enough to service me sexually? (sixteen for girls, twenty-five for guys.)

    http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com

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  38. I can't quit laughing at your cartoons of those babies. Maybe those should be called grampies. A combo of a grandpa and a baby. I lost it when that first baby said "urk". Ha!

    BTW, will we ever see the guy's face that's taking a shower? Is it a guy? Is it a heavier girl? So, so curious...

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  39. ahahhahaha ah...great minds think alike...im so glad you said it....and that shits all genetics...except i dont get when two uglies make a cutie...that makes no sense.

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  40. 'He's angry because he looks like Shrek walked into a nuclear holocaust'
    Laughed at this in the middle of a lecture, nice. I don't think any babies look 'nice' as such. Just weird. Like looking at a clay figure someone has started to make, all lumpy and ugly.

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  41. This was f****** hilarious. Seriously, I'm going to post it up on facebook. Of course no one will get the hint that they need to stop posting baby pictures but it's something at least.

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  42. Maybe I'm just another hormonal woman but it takes a bit for me to find a baby "ugly" but there are ugly babies. But I go gaga when I see an adorable baby. >_<

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  43. I know this post is older, but i think this was the most hilarious and true thing i have ever read in the history of ever.

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  44. "I can't believe both of those things have been in your vagina" - BEST LINE EVER!

    Hee hee, I agree with you, not all babies are cute. I am not very fond of babies in general, unless I'm hormonal, since all they do is cry. Also sick of people putting up 900 photos of their babies on blogs and Facebook all the goddamn time.

    The comics on this blog post somehow reminded me of The Oatmeal. Nicely done!

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  45. "Mood: Not hungry anymore"

    Looking unto these ugly babies, makes you full, eh. Though, unlike you I consider many babies as cute, yet when they grow up that's the time that I could tell if that baby is charming or really ugly. :)

    Cheers,
    Cathy@best scrubs

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  46. My wife and i talk about this all the time. We usually take the stance of if you don't wanna know don't ask, or if we don't tell you that your "abortion refugee" is cute....chances are asking us will upset you.

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  47. so true! i admit, my first child i thought she was the most beautiful thing ever. but with my second child, with the thrill of being a first time parent out of my system, i was horrified when he came! he looked like he could swallow his own head and shit brains! i was scared for the little guy but thankfully he has grown up to be a handsome little devil!

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  48. LMAO...now I have a mission..finding a HANDSOME guy..hahahahaha...this post really made me laugh so hard..

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  49. I.LOVE.YOUR.BLOG.

    I'm at work laughing my arse off. Tears, tomato face, and ab contractions included.

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  50. Hilarious!!! For your reading pleasure...I'm new but I think you like it:) http://duke-young.blogspot.com/2011/08/why-i-hate-shopping-at-wal-mart.html

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  51. This sounds like a discussion I have had before...Luckily for some of these babies they do grow up to be cute...others, well those are the ones that continue making ugly babies...

    Honestly though, the only newborn mammal that looks totally cute and not all pink and hairless are foals (baby horses)...the rest of them, humans included just need a little bit of time...some a lifetime, but hey...it takes all kinds

    Good post

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  52. Love this. My niece was an ugly baby. It was hard not go say, "Oh my god, it's hideous!" ROFLMAO.

    Ah, going to have to read your blog @ home...hard to read covertly @ work. :(

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  53. Hey!!! I was an ugly baby!! come to think of it...im still kinda ugly...damn. You guys crack my shit up

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  54. It's so true. Not to sound mean, but babies are of interest to their parents. Can we please stop posting them all over the place!

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  55. I don't agree that ugly + ugly = ugly. In this case, two wrongs, do make a right. Or at least my mutant ninja turtle of a coworker and his the hills have eyes wife made a normal looking human being. I was at a loss for words upon seeing this creature.

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  56. Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Thank you for telling the truth! In fact, I think most babies are downright ugly until around 6 months. I call that early stage the "lump baby" stage. They're just squishy lumps in the beginning. And if a "mommy" is silly enough to flat out ask me if I think her baby is cute, she's going to get my honest answer-"NO! Newborns are never cute." (And this is coming from a 2 time mom!)

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  57. Hilarious! Babies all kind of look like Winston Churchill anyway...

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  58. It is such a relief to find out I'm not the only one on planet earth who thinks babies are ugly! I lost count how many times I've been told how mean I am for thinking(and saying)that. Never said it to the parent's face of course - didn't want to lose the friend or family member out of my life. But god, some babies are so ugly they scare me and give me nightmares. Then, there's my friend's baby. I swear the movie The Curious Case of Benjamin Button was inspired by him. He looks like an 80 year old man. No kidding, very creepy.

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  59. Great post. I agree one hundred percent. Just like there are ugly people there are ugly babies as well. I commend you for having the balls to write about it. I'll be reading more of your stuff.

    JMB8572006@yahoo.com

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  60. OMG...so so so funny and truthful.

    I don't lie and say IT is cute. I can't. I find something positive to say like "cute outfit", "great color hair", "oh it has your eyes."

    -H

    P.S. You guys are crazy flippin' maaaad...genius!

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  61. As long as said baby doesn't have an eye under his earlobe I'm usually able to pull it off

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  62. I Love it & agree!! TY :)

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  63. Canot stop laughing. I'm sharing this with everyone!

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  64. Women always talk about babies. It drives me nuts. Maybe I should show them this post of yours, though I'm pretty sure that if I do - and laugh the way I'm laughing now (i.e. my ass off), I'll be packing my stuff again... They're so sensitive.

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  65. i still think all babies are cute... this post sent me rofl, nevertheless!!

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  66. dude, you haven't had a baby. when you're older you will mellow your cynicism a bit. If you have a baby you will learn how to love it. These things you're bitching about won't matter. Be patient and you will be thankful later. Smack your gums about dumb shit and you'll just feel embarrassed later.

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  67. @Anonymous

    No cynicism here, my friend, just 100% tell-it-like-it-is. I can promise you that having a baby won't stop me from noticing that some babies are ugly -- because news flash, some are. Not all, but a lot more than people want to admit. Or perhaps you're just butthurt because you have an ugly baby/were an ugly baby/both?

    Also, speaking of embarrassment, next time you want to smack your own gums about dumb shit, feel free to let me know who you are. See, when I post, I man-the-fuck-up and wear my name proudly on each post. If you want to stand up for someone thing you believe in, you should let everyone know who you are. Otherwise, you're just a spineless pussy hiding behind a computer.

    -Bryan

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  68. my cousins baby is UGLY and if i would have known you were going to do this post of would have let you use the picture of him! she once laid him down next to my son and of course my son started screaming and she couldnt figure out why!!the scary thing is....she keeps having more kids!!!

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  69. My friend's kid looks like a DONKEY'S SPHINCTER and if I see one more pic of that little fuck I'm gonna puke. Not to mention all the FBook comments "Oh he's so cute." No he's not, he looks like a shit I took after I drank too much, took a bunch of vicodin then ate a ton of Chinese food. Just sayin' And don't get me started on the annoying fucking kids.

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  70. I'm lovin all over your blog. My neck and back are starting to hurt, though. Oh, and I have shooting pains radiating up my right arm. FROM using my mouse to scroll down the page. I know what you were thinking, especially since I started off by saying "I'm lovin all over your blog."

    Seriously, though, this is right up there w/ H&AH, SMUK, and JMC, except you guys are guys.

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  71. I feel bad making fun of ugly babies, but sometimes it's just karma, for having f-ed up parents LOL!!! Press Lamas is a fugly baby... do you agree?

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  72. I think this might make me a traitor to my gender, but in my opinion, ALL newborn babies are ugly. Yes, they're cute when they're a few months old, but those fresh-out-of-the-womb creatures are terrifying.

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  73. I have a picture of the ugliest baby playing the saxaphone. He says 'hurp', too. Every time I close my eyes I see that photo.

    Come see my new blog! http://chooplah.blogspot.com

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  74. I am pregnant right now and it was one of the funniest things I've read recently. Seriously some of them are really ugly, aren't they?

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  75. haha that babe really looked like its parens

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  76. Hahahaha this cracks me up- I'm one of those people that finds "most" babies ugly, and babies that have attractive or cute features usually have disgusting habits that sorta counter-acts it.
    Well I'm also the mother of three (girls) including a set of fraternal twins.
    My oldest was born with giant blue eyes and big curly blonde ringlets, she stopped elderly women/women whose biological clocks were ticking every where we went.
    Then came the twins. They were early, so small. One twin looked very similar to her older sister (they look like myself as an infant) but the other- looked just like Dad. Don't get me wrong, she's cute now, but as a tiny baby she was born with black hair, a receding hairline, and a nose disproportionately large to her tiny face. So when we were out in public (asshole of the year award is coming) I would pull the hood of her carseat/carrier over her face, and leave her twin sister's open... and just pretend they were identical.
    She grew out of her ugly baby syndrome at about three months... but boy... poor little monster.
    Side note- a girl on my Facebook friend's list's baby (now toddler) is so overwhelmingly hideous that I sometimes photoshop him into horror-movie posters for my own entertainment.

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  77. There are no ugly babies. Only ugly grown-ups.

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  78. When my youngest was a baby, I posted a picture and someone called him "unfortunate looking" .... I have to admit,it wasn't his best picture LOL

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