Monday, March 14, 2011

Ye Olde Birthday Suit

            Well, it’s that time of year again. Time to break out the shamrocks, chug green beer, and act a complete fool in the name of holiday spirit. The holiday in question, of course, is not St. Patrick’s Day, but my birthday today. No disrespect to St. Paddy, as my ¼ Irishness qualifies me for ample Guinness indulgence later in the week, but that old bugger doesn’t get to take all the limelight.
            So, in honor of my having survived another year and the impending St. Patrick’s Day, I’d like to share a little story with you about why I no longer trust leprechauns…
            It was a birthday night like every other when I was in college; I was drunk, in a crowded bar, and raising hell on the pool table. The only exception on this night was that I didn’t have to rely on my unruly facial hair and my fake ID to get in, because I’d finally turned twenty-one years old, and was now a responsible, upstanding, adult citizen. Which is why the bouncer was so respectful when he asked me to climb down from my pool table victory dance and to please put my pants back onto their proper appendages.
            I’d barely just refastened my belt when the little man in the green top hat and waistcoat showed up and slapped a twenty dollar bill on the table.
            “Holy shit, a leprechaun! Take me to your pot ‘o gold, you wily ginger midget!”
            He bashed my kneecap with his miniature pool cue and challenged me to a dangerous duel of Nine-ball, in which every ball pocketed called for an opponent to take a shot of Jameson. The wee bastard was quite a good shot, I’ll admit, as he literally “ran the table” on his stubby little legs. He cackled like a madman and did a douchey little riverdance every time he sunk a ball. I tipped back shot after shot of Irish whiskey as the race to seven games wore on, and I realized that I was only getting out of my seat to re-rack the balls. It was at that point when my slurring neurons figured out I’d been bamboozled, and that this Lucky Charms reject’s tiny pool cue was really an enchanted shillelagh.  
            I had just hoisted my stick to bash that Irish pixie like a piñata, when I recalled those sage words of wisdom imparted to me by the old Catholic priest of my childhood. “My Son, let us practice the vanquishing of the trouser serpent—” Oops, hang on. (rewinding noise) There it is. “My Son, if ever you find yourself matching wits with a leprechaun, remember that the only way to defeat him is through trickery. And, look, the trouser serpent has once again arisen!”
            So I paused with chin in hand, stumbled, and finally snatched up the twenty dollar bill. “Sorry, laddie. BCA rulebook says you’ve gotta have at least one foot touching the floor. Technical loss by way of midgetry.”
            He sighed, beaten, and agreed to take me to the end of the rainbow to find his pot of gold. Unfortunately, he insisted on getting drunk first and passed out at the bar. So I curled him up in the bottom of a urinal and stuffed his magic shillelagh somewhere safe…and uncomfortable.

Cheers!

-brandon

Beer: Murphy’s
Music: Flogging Molly



37 comments:

  1. Loved the story and happy birthday.

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  2. Great story! Happy Birthday to you today!

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  3. What an epic birthday! I have not yet gone to a bar because I'm not old enough, but I hope my experience can match up with yours haha. Happy birthday bro!

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  4. Happy Birthday you 25% Irishman from a 100% Irishman, bloody good story and I believe you're strawberry blonde aswell.

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  5. haha, awesome. The rewound tape had me laughing out loud.

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  6. Congrats on another successful lap around the sun. I assume you were steering the planet, because everyone else born on this date turned out to be incompetent wankers or majored in animal husbandry at Auburn.

    I think that same little shit took money from me in a pool hall in Knoxville when I turned 21! Did your leprechaun also smell of elderberries? (rumor has it his mother was a hamster...)

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  7. once again i bow in your honor as you have out done yourself!

    simply an awwwwwsome post!

    happy b-day brandon!

    a toast!

    may this year find you drinking many celebratory drafts from selling many drafts!

    cheers!

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  8. Bahaha. Love the image at the bottom.

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  9. Happy Birthday... oh the joys of having a birthday near a holiday.

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  10. happy b-day. Awesome little comic, that tiny leprechaun got me good.

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  11. Haha, an epic adventure of pocket sized proportions. Happy Birthday!

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  12. Damn, I missed your birthday.. Sorry..
    Well in a way that is good. I might have been inclined to sing and trust me you would have probably shot me with a cyber-rubber band..

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

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  13. Happy Birthday and a very happy wish for another happy, healthy year for yourself. HOpe you don't have too much of a hangover!!

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  14. How kind of you to give us such a gift of a post on your birthday! Happy Birthday!!

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  15. That's not how Darby O'Gill went at all! Happy Birthday!

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  16. how did you manage to recall that story?
    hbd

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  17. Whatever you're "drinking", I think you should share :p

    Happy birthday. And for beer's sake, don't dye it. I beg you. It ruins the flavour. It relly does.

    Cheers.

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  18. That was.......I don't even know. Wow. haha

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  19. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

    And wow, do people time their baby making so that the delivery date is today? So far, the blogosphere has informed me that at least 4 people had their birthday.

    Interesting.

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  20. the graphic made me laugh so hard. i cant wait for green beer though. hell. i love all beer.

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  21. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  22. Ooops! Was just trying to wish you a Happy Birthday with this image:

    http://tinyurl.com/45u4x7q

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  23. HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOMIE! *flashes elbows* If you know anything about black people, the color of our elbows MATCHES our nipples! ;)

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  24. happy birthday, brandon!

    sorry i'm late.

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  25. i hate to repeat what everyone says but yeah, happy bday haha hope you had a great 2 days ago

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  26. the leprechaun is just deadly!!

    Breithlá sona duit

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  27. Ha! Happy Belated Birthday - bottoms up!

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  28. happy birthday

    p.s if you want to stay on ma "daily visits" list, come to my place and leave a comment.

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  29. St. patricks day would be more meaningful for me if I wasn't already shit-faced on a daily basis

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  30. The 14th was my birthday as well! Happy belated Birthday!! I feel a bond with people who share the same birthday as me. High five.

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