Wednesday, March 23, 2011

This Gym Ain't Big Enough for the Two of Us

           Lately, I've been feeling lazier than a stoned hippie. Which is why I've been hitting the gym even harder than ever these days. I go once a day, every day, for at least an hour, but lately the population has gotten extremely heavy, and I'm not just talking about the fat girl that's trying, God bless her, but won't put the Twinkies down long enough to make that 15 minute treadmill walk worth it.
             No, I'm talking about a big slew of people working out at the gym, and after studying them, I've concluded that at least half of them are just wasting valuable space, taking up machines that people who really want to work out (like myself) could be using instead. The following is a list of those people:


Meet Cankle Sally. She walks on the treadmill for 15 minutes, and lifts weights that aren't even as heavy as the drumstick she's going to shove into her face 20 minutes after leaving. Calories burned? 100. Calories taken in after the gym? 300... per Twinkie. And there's 6 in a box.

This little beauty likes to complain that she's fat and goes to the gym ALLLLL the time, but she actually goes to the gym 2-3 times a week, and hits the buffet 4-5 times a week. Look for this one to possibly sport a tiny tight sports bra that accentuates her flap jack boobies and stretch marks.




Meet Cellphone Suzy! Her legs are crossed because she's too busy talking on her phone to actually waste her time pedaling the bike. She will be glued to her cellphone the entire hour she's there, and will constantly remind her friend that she's 'working out SOOO hard.' Also, because she's a loud and obnoxious cellphone talker, if you're on the machine near her, you'll get to hear lots of skanky stories about how she "really" earned her A+ in science class, or about the pizza guy's crooked schlong, or about the blackout sex she's not quite sure she recalls having.

The muscles in her legs are atrophied and weak, but the muscles in her mouth are strong as ever!


Meet Sweaty Stan! He comes in a variety or young or old, tall or short, skinny or fat, but one thing unifies them all: the commitment to failure! What's that? I worked out 3 times this week, ate McDonalds, and I'm still not built like Bruce Lee? Well forget this, I'm quitting! Because working out is hard work!

Sweaty Stans will use horrible technique, will stop their set at the first tinge of pain, and will repeat this useless display for weeks, wasting an amazing amount of space in the gym. In the end, he'll decide that working out is way too difficult and will quit and happily return to a life of unhealthy food and inactivity.... until next year's New Years Resolutions roll around, that is.





And lastly, meet Prom Queen Patty! She's not actually here to work out, as evident by her French manicured nails, uncomfortable (but cute!) shoes, and heavily caked on makeup. She's just here to sit idly on machines, posing and looking pretty, until her Knight in Shining Armor comes up to her and proposes to her. She's 19 and unmarried, which to her is a huge sign of failure, so she's going to settle for any meathead prettyboy she can sink her fake nails into.

She's not currently on the pill, but will swear that she is, because she's got baby fever and that's how her mom met and fell in love with trapped her dad. She is pictured here with the Shake Weight, the only workout equipment she's remotely 'familiar' with.

All of them? Useless. And a waste of good gym space, at that. There are probably some others I'm missing, but I'm sure you guys will point them out. Are there any other gym goers here? Anyone at the gym that particularly annoys you?

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: Pumped up
Beer: An after work out beer is SO refreshing
Shower: Alone, at home. Community showers are not my thing

47 comments:

  1. hahahah love it!
    I use to work in the administration at a gym and as a perk got a free membership.
    I see all of these people there.

    But you forgot the gym monkies! They are more interested with walking around flexing their muscles (if only for themselves to admire in the mirror)and when they are not flexing they are grunting and trying to impress anyone within ear shot of how much they can lift.....impressing no one.

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  2. I used to go to the gym not to work out...but to watch the love triangles begin and end. Oh, and don't forget about the Male trainers/prostitutes.

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  3. you need to go to a better gym dude. The worst I have are meatheads; and those frequent both cheapass and expensive gyms. Speaking of, I had one meathead dude that used to come in with a HUGE freaking chain he would put on whatever he was lifting to add to the difficulty, and apparently also so that everyone in the gym could hear him lifting his jingly ass chain up and down

    Although as a swimmer, the other thing that annoys me are people taking up lap lanes to walk around very slowly. Unless you are 75 or older, this is unacceptable.

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  4. @Aaron I go to a nearby gym that's in a fairly yuppie area, so meatheads are few and far in between. I can deal with them. The majority of gym goers at this gym are just there for keeping up appearances.

    Oh, and unless his chain is solid gold, I'm not impressed.

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  5. This awesome I love the description of Prom Queen Patty! "She is pictured here with the Shake Weight, the only workout equipment she's remotely 'familiar' with." LOL

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  6. Hahaha, I know someone who is EXACTLY like Cankle Sally

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  7. I'm at the gym way more than I want to be. I see all those people too. What I hate is that guy who does that circuit training thing - which means he is "using" every piece of equipment in the gym at the same time.

    He runs from one piece of equipment to the next, cutting people off and giving hateful looks at anyone who dares to get close to anything he's already claimed for his own.

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  8. Too friggen' funny. Congrats on the column!! Stop watching those fat girls asses. You're giving me a complex! haha.

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  9. I hate the people that have their headphones on, and either sing or hum to their music. I want to beat them all senseless...

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  10. I also agree that gym monkeys should be included. I hate people that do three reps then flex in the mirror for five minutes. And they always blow up if you touch their machine.

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  11. As an out of shape person who is on a kick to get fit it's that kind of attitude that makes me terrified to join a gym. I know I'm out of shape but I'm there to do something about it and so scared of being judged. Fuck it...I'm still going to go and if I piss people off they can kiss my fat ass.

    That being said...still love you guys and I see how it would get annoying to want a hard workout and be waiting for a machine that somebody (like me) is using and not using correctly...but hell...at least they are trying.

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  12. Congrats on getting your story published. It must be so cool to see your work in physical print. Love the drawings as always.

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  13. This is why I stopped going to the gym. The cell phone talkers are the worst-- if you're exercising the right way you shouldn't be able to have a conversation. Ugh.

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  14. congrats on the magazine- i applaud fat people who actually put in work to lose weight

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  15. @Jewels - nevermind any of us!
    Good for you for making the effort, better late than never.

    When it actually comes down to it, the comradery in the gym is usually very supportive. Surprisingly the biggest supporters will come from people who have been there before and are in the different spot of success than you. And for the few who are not, well screw them, they have bigger issues.

    Proud of you! You can do it!!!

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  16. lol at the internet billionaire bj line. works every time.

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  17. I knew I wasn't missing anything at the old gym. ;) Hey - Congrats on the NoTeS column. Nice work!

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  18. @Jewels congratulations for hitting up the gym, and the post isn't actually about out of shape people in the gym, it's about people not really interested in working out and therefore wasting the gym. The fat girl who walks 15 minutes, slowly, on a treadmill and then shoves her face 20 minutes later... the girl who doesn't work out but just spends her time on her cell phone... the guy who gives up in a week because he doesn't see instant results and thinks it's too hard... the girl who doesn't work out, she just came dressed up like a hooker to find a guy. See, none of them actually work out.

    I applaud the out of shape people that actually come in and try. Everyone has to start somewhere. I go to the gym every day, but I'm not some meatheaded-looking muscle fiend. I'm just a regular looking guy who tries to stay in shape.

    (I do drink a bit of beer, as indicated by the blog title) ;)

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  19. It reminds me of the weight training class that I'm taking. There's several of the meatheads, who probably have taken it all 4 semesters, the people like me who actually want to maybe get in shape, then the people who are taking it just to fill in the last credit they need for their schedule.

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  20. Thanks for the correction...I suppose this is a bit of a sensitive subject for me right now. I am still checking out gyms for memberships and I'm in that "I am too out of shape to even work out in front of people" mindset...which is straight stupid. Anyway...like I said...nothing but love for you guys.

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  21. I laugh when I see people riding a bike down the street smoking a cigarette.

    but then again they probably aren't trying to get in shape

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  22. This reminds me of when I used to work out.

    I always loved the ski machine, I wish I had the space for one. It brings me back to when I was little and used to go cross-country skiing with my parents.

    I'm lucky, I never had to fight for the machines or the free weights. Sorry about your luck.

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  23. i love the dramatic grunters. especially when i can hear them through my earphones. i think it's hilarious to watch them, grunting rhythmically as they heave their weights and looking around to make sure everyone is watching them. and if people aren't watching, they grunt EVEN LOUDER until they do.

    haha! so cute. ooops, i mean manly. so manly.

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  24. If you are going to use the gym showers wear sandals!

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  25. Sweating like a waterfall on the machines and not wiping it off.

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  26. mountain dew to recharge sounds very similar to what people say in my gym

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  27. The young, horny, fresh faced girl who stares a minute too long at ripped guys working out.

    Wait. That's me.

    *dons the Cone of Shame*

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  28. And this is why I work out at home.

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  29. hahah, this was awesome! keep em coming

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  30. haha.. is very funny article but very creative.

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  31. so many of these are familiar...especially people walking on the treadmills chatting!!!

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  32. Congrats on the article. I'm off the check it out. And dang! I wish I had your handy dandy cheat sheet when I was single and going to the gym.

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  33. The gym by my house is full of Olympic athletes. Not the kind of thing you want to see when you're trying to feel good about yourself. I am pretty sure they are hired to work out at the gym, just to shame everyone else into working harder.

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  34. That was good. Also like to add the sixteen year olds who just prance around, showing off skin, skinniness, and energy to all who watch. Stupid underage children!

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  35. You make these drawings yourself? good read :D I love the pictures that go with it!

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  36. very funny but true, gyms are filled with weird people.

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  37. Yeah, forgot the meatheads that just go to flex. That's an easy one.

    What about the people who don't wipe down the machine when they're done sweating on it? That always bothered me.

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  38. Haha I love the 'put out' one.

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  39. Sweaty Stan is by far the most annoying one. You just feel bad for him... until he does something retarded and makes you rage. I like to channel my anger towards my workout. I think of Sweaty Stans as motivators...

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  40. Because of this, I prefer to work out at home in my spare time. Although now that I have lots of spare time, I always find an excuse to do something else. So I suppose I'm a sort of sweaty stan? I do a lot of running anyway.

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  41. I think the same douche bags go to every gym in America and alternate. I could have sworn you were talking about where I go!

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  42. Congrats on the publication of your column! Long may it prosper. Fame and fortune await!

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