Smaht Fone

           I have a satellite. Chances are you do too. I don’t mean the lunar kind: the ones attracted by planets, or extraordinarily fat people. No, this orbiting piece of machinery is very tiny and makes its way around my body, gravitating from pocket to pocket, waxing and waning in a glow of LCD every time I get a new message. Yes, I’m talking about that symbiotic little hunk of plastic which, despite my chagrin, has not been more than fifteen feet away from me for as long as I can remember. This is because the damn thing is so handy for juggling my academic, writing, and self-employment livelihoods. My Android phone can play TV, make movies, teach me the Greek word for ‘prostitute’, scour the internet for porn at light speed, point me in the direction of Alpha Centauri, make a shotgun noise when I shake it, text, e-mail, and…wait for it…make an actual phone call.

Which brings me to the point of today’s blog post. Besides the occasional cutesy text to my betrothed, or commiseration on humanity with Bryan, literally the only thing I use my phone for is checking e-mail. My phone has a hundred useless functions and I got to thinking, what would be useful? Not to say that Twitter and its app brethren aren’t useful. I mean, who doesn’t benefit from the daily wisdoms of a rapper/movie star/pro athlete who couldn’t spell his way out of a box of Alphabits cereal? Call me crazy, but I think my hTC has more potential. Here are a few features I’d love to see in my next cell phone:

1.      Fart-identification sensor – Now you can pinpoint the sneaky fucker who’s spent all night crop-dusting the party with the ghosts of Taco Bell past, chase him down, and force-feed him a bottle of Tums.

2.      Radio hijacking capability – When the click of a button allows you to remotely feed your own tunes through any set of speakers, you’ll no longer have to suffer the mediocre musical tastes of the local Safeway, the dentist’s waiting room, or that drunken fool at the bar jukebox who decided to treat everyone to twenty dollars worth of Tom Petty’s “Free Falling” on repeat.

3.      Dolby 5.1 Voice of God speakerphone – What better way to fuck with others than by employing the thunderous, wrathful voice of the Almighty? Impressively effective for getting the bartender’s attention, ending an unwanted conversation with religious solicitors, or just entertaining yourself with subway junkies while waiting for the train.

4.      Grenade mode - As many of you know, I tend to find myself in sticky situations sometimes. But, as I've learned from countless bad action movies and a successfully ended war in Iraq, there's no problem, imaginary...or imaginary, that can't be solved by a few exploded body parts.

 

And the Lord spake, "Bring forth another lager, barkeep! And mindeth the foam, or thine ass shall be smited!"

What would be your most desirable new cell phone application?

Cheers!

-Brandon

Beer: Sam Adams Noble Pils

Music: Bloodhound Gang