Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Smaht Fone

           I have a satellite. Chances are you do too. I don’t mean the lunar kind: the ones attracted by planets, or extraordinarily fat people. No, this orbiting piece of machinery is very tiny and makes its way around my body, gravitating from pocket to pocket, waxing and waning in a glow of LCD every time I get a new message. Yes, I’m talking about that symbiotic little hunk of plastic which, despite my chagrin, has not been more than fifteen feet away from me for as long as I can remember. This is because the damn thing is so handy for juggling my academic, writing, and self-employment livelihoods. My Android phone can play TV, make movies, teach me the Greek word for ‘prostitute’, scour the internet for porn at light speed, point me in the direction of Alpha Centauri, make a shotgun noise when I shake it, text, e-mail, and…wait for it…make an actual phone call.

Which brings me to the point of today’s blog post. Besides the occasional cutesy text to my betrothed, or commiseration on humanity with Bryan, literally the only thing I use my phone for is checking e-mail. My phone has a hundred useless functions and I got to thinking, what would be useful? Not to say that Twitter and its app brethren aren’t useful. I mean, who doesn’t benefit from the daily wisdoms of a rapper/movie star/pro athlete who couldn’t spell his way out of a box of Alphabits cereal? Call me crazy, but I think my hTC has more potential. Here are a few features I’d love to see in my next cell phone:

1.      Fart-identification sensor – Now you can pinpoint the sneaky fucker who’s spent all night crop-dusting the party with the ghosts of Taco Bell past, chase him down, and force-feed him a bottle of Tums.

2.      Radio hijacking capability – When the click of a button allows you to remotely feed your own tunes through any set of speakers, you’ll no longer have to suffer the mediocre musical tastes of the local Safeway, the dentist’s waiting room, or that drunken fool at the bar jukebox who decided to treat everyone to twenty dollars worth of Tom Petty’s “Free Falling” on repeat.

3.      Dolby 5.1 Voice of God speakerphone – What better way to fuck with others than by employing the thunderous, wrathful voice of the Almighty? Impressively effective for getting the bartender’s attention, ending an unwanted conversation with religious solicitors, or just entertaining yourself with subway junkies while waiting for the train.

4.      Grenade mode - As many of you know, I tend to find myself in sticky situations sometimes. But, as I've learned from countless bad action movies and a successfully ended war in Iraq, there's no problem, imaginary...or imaginary, that can't be solved by a few exploded body parts.

 
And the Lord spake, "Bring forth another lager, barkeep! And mindeth the foam, or thine ass shall be smited!"
What would be your most desirable new cell phone application?
Cheers!
-Brandon
Beer: Sam Adams Noble Pils
Music: Bloodhound Gang

38 comments:

  1. slidephone user here, i actually use my phone to make calls and thats it

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  2. i wish my phone had a henry-rollins-matter-transport device, to teleport henry to me whenever i so desired.

    though i'm pretty sure henry rollins is glad it doesn't.

    a flame thrower would be nice, too, for lighting my fags/ random acts of arson.

    and when did your arm grow back? looks nice.

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  3. The Radio hijacking capability would totally be badass. I would just go to a church and play metal music LOL! I think a voice translator would be great but they probably have that

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  4. I wonder what tunes Dolby and God like to sing together.

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  5. Well, I doubt number one is going to happen anytime soon, but there's an app that makes people fart. Or APPEARS to, anyway.

    My teacher was going on and on three weeks ago about this wonderful little app that allows him to embarrass his wife during meetings. Basically, it's kind of like an alarm but it makes the most realistic *insert unpleasant noise of your choice* ever.

    You can set the "alarm" on other people's phones and...yeah, well, it's great for making your boss blush during conferences.

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  6. fart indication sensor, lol. thats like dye in the pool to make urine change color.

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  7. ....let's get back to making a shotgun noise when I shake it, definitely like that and a phaser with zap and stun function app.

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  8. The best application would be a fake ring tone that you could set off, and then pretend to answer it in awkward situations you want to get the hell out of.

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  9. "Radio hijacking capability" is possible with a small external device

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  10. OK this is not a phone function more an idea for a case...what about ..wait for it...a case that smells.....No? Scratch and sniff phone cases, I am going to be a gazillionair!

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  11. I refuse to believe you use a phone to make calls. It doesn't make sense.
    Also, some sort of emergency parachute would be pretty cool. If I had a dollar for every time my main has failed and left me in a sticky predicament.

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  12. Anything that makes children go into near coma like states of silence and stillness for the next 3 days until their parents come home...allowing me ample time to write, blog, and mock them in front of their frozen faces.

    oh...and a memory eraser!

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  13. I wish my Android phone came with a douche-bag alarm so that every time some douche came near me it would set off and scare him away.

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  14. I'd like to see a Teddy Ruxpin phone, so that when I talk to people, I'd be talking to an adorable little Teddy Bear.

    Also I could hit him and throw him down the stairs sometimes.

    But as far as an app for the phone... maybe a Radar like they have in the top corner of stealth video games. See, I'd know someone is around the corner because I'd see the little red dot on my radar, and then BAM I could take them down.

    Preferably it would not have a beeping sound like the one in Aliens.

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  15. A phone that would notify me when I am within 100 ft. of a bar that serves Heineken or Stella on tap with freezing, ice cold mugs.

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  16. I'd like an app that jams cell phone service within 100 feet of me at all times. I'd put my own phone on Shut the Fuck Up, and jam everyone else's. Silence during movies, meals, meetings. No more texting, sexting, thumbing away while your car changes lanes on top of me. No more illuminated little displays in darkened theaters. A forced return to the dark ages when we went to movies to watch the damn movie, went to restaurants to eat, and used our phones at home or in phone booths when we had to make a call. How primitive, and how I miss those days...

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  17. i don't know about you but my totally freaking awesome smrt phone has a flxu capacitor app...

    and it makes toast, and a mean espresso...

    yeah, riiiiight...

    don't be silly, those are some pretty far-fetched things....my phone can't make toast or espresso

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  18. I'd like my phone to double as a hairbrush. Or a mirror. Or lipstick. Or any of the other crap thrown in my bag. I love the artwork in that comic. I see a syndication in your future... ;)

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  19. I think I'd set off that fart finder pretty quick...

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  20. The Droid speaker is as close as it gets :)

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  21. I would like an app that changes the gas price at the pump for me to something I would rather pay. That's all.

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  22. I live in Canada. Good phones aren't the problem here, good phone plans are. Well, the CRTC's been embarassed (because the federal government allowed it to be by setting it up) over the internet billing fiasco, maybe it'll be more open to suggestion now. But that's another situation entirely.

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  23. The "Voice of God" app would be far cooler than the talking cat I have on my Droid ;-)

    A cool app for me? Hmm ... well, since every time I spend quality time with my phone I discover something new, I don't know (and it probably already does it anyway ;-))

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  24. I have the shittiest phone on the planet! I only use it to make calls, or I masturbate with it when my vibrator runs out of batteries. I just unblock the telemarketers and that bitch vibrates for hours!

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  25. I read this entire post in a jersey Shore voice. Good job

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  26. This may be kind of telling, but I was most excited when I read 1 and 4. They could actually go together. Figure out what stink-ass let one rip, then toss a "grenade" at them.

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  27. hahahaaa! "ghosts of Taco Bell past"

    Love it!! I want that too, for sure!

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  28. taking over other people's speakers would be awesome...all those people on the tube you could secretly troll....lol

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  29. I'd like for my phone to make me a sandwich.

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  30. I want an app that calls me by a nickname... I've never had a nickname...

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  31. thats totally me at the local pub.

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  32. Those are some great ideas, I'd like an app that modifies the phone so you could play laser tag

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  33. You're a fucking riot!

    "ghosts of Taco Bell past" made me spit my tea all over my desk and it came through my nose too, demmit!

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  34. wooo you have many followers

    ur post made me laugh btw

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  35. I started hacking a "Hannah Montana" microphone to hijack people' car radios. The idea was that I'd juice up the amp and tune it to the most popular local station. Then I'd be able to give the "voice of god" treatment to anyone who cut me up in traffic.

    I gave up because the radio spectrum's too fragmented, and the worst douche-bags probably listen to satellite radio anyhow.

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  36. @Jayne
    My phone actually does have a mirror on the front. It's a flip phone with a touchscreen for the outside buttons. When the backlight turns off, the screen turns into a mirror.

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  37. now That would be an useful phone!

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