Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Skybound Wiener

           
            As you are all well aware by now, Bryan is mere weeks away from taking the matrimonial plunge.  As a direct result of this, I sit here before you, typing with sweaty fingers. Not because I’ve spent the last hour exercising my duties as best man, scouring the internet for discount bachelor party strippers with minimal venereal diseases. No, it’s because I just booked my flight to Denver. On an airplane. And I don’t fly so well.
            You know the guy you sometimes sit next to on the plane whose eyes are shut, and would almost look asleep were it not for every muscle in his body rigid and clenching like a junkie who’s just gone cold turkey? Yeah, that’s me. Thank god for the airport bar. Otherwise, I don’t know that I’d ever be able to board that winged, jet-powered sky dildo. I wasn’t always such a wiener, though. I had kind of a bad flight once...

            Fortunately, once the space squid got done humping, he wandered off and left our aircraft awash in a sticky mess of what looked like green pudding. Needless to say, the experience put me off sky travel quite a bit. And I can’t order calamari anymore without feeling both slightly aroused and a little violated. But, atmospheric monsters be damned. I’ve ordered my plane tickets, and come hell or high water (or octo-spooge), I’m determined to make it to that wedding in one piece, even if they have to pour my inebriated ass off the plane when we land.

Cheers!

-brandon

Beer: Amstel Light
Music: Muddy Waters
           

37 comments:

  1. good luck

    more beer

    amstel is awesome!

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  2. haha have fun, i cant understand the fear of flying

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  3. oh my goodness. I honest to goodness had calamari tonight and now feel a bit sick to my stomach! haha. Oh goodness! Too funny but super creepy.

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  4. I don't know why people have fears of airplanes, it's like riding an long epic roller coaster :D. Have fun at the wedding :D!

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  5. Those damn sky squid, they're such perverts!

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  6. i had a bad plane experience once, too. i got on the only flight that was still going from guam to japan after a typhoon warning. we had trouble landing and i thought i was going to die.

    turned out that the whole time it was just godzilla, shaking the plane. that douche.

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  7. Sleep, That's what I do on a plane, I don't like flying, so stay up as long as possible before the flight and hopefully you'll fall asleep before the octo-squid monster attacks!!

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  8. i hate it when that happens :)

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  9. It would really help if they didn't call the place you leave from a 'terminal' wouldn't it?

    Space squids rock!

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  10. You'll be fine take a valium with that beer and everything will be fine.

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  11. beware the giant claw in the sky! :O

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  12. good luck with plane ride.

    Thankfully, I don't have a problem with flying since I fly back and forth between two cities twice every month so I'm used to it.

    Just take some sleeping pills, and once you're knocked out, you should be fine.

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  13. The gremlin on the Twilight Zone movie made me afraid to fly.

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  14. Hope it goes fast for you. Good luck.

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  15. I am sure this post was about the fear of flying but all I can take with me is a humping giant squid.

    I don't like calamari anyway.

    Hilarious.

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  16. Your experience echoes one I had - and now I hate to fly.

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  17. I can't stand flying! Black folks like me have enough problems on the ground o.O lmfao

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  18. thats a terrible air plane drawing. :D

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  19. Amstel for the shower. Sixpack for a plane ride.

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  20. Just get good and tanked before you board that dildo to heaven! You'll be FIIIINNNNEEE.

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  21. I'm also scared of flying... In no way I can sleep on the flight, I have to go reading something and no one can talk to me much, so that I get really inside the book and not inside the plane. eh

    good wed-party!

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  22. I've herd taking sleeping pills an hour, or so before getting on helps. By the time you board, they should kick in.

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  23. This was an episode of The Twilight Zone, right? Don't remember quite so many dildos and alien jizz, tho

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  24. What were you on when you blogged this? Sounds like some good stuff!

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  25. lol i'm a bit plane sick too! i get queasy and nauseous after a coupla hours

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  26. I've never had any problems with flying, but I deeply sympathize with people who do. I do enjoy trying to freak myself out when I get a window seat and think about John Lithgow looking out on the wing and seeing that weird alien/monster thing that was trying to destroy one of the engines in the Twilight Zone movie.

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  27. i haven't gotten on a plane since 2006 =(

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  28. Never been on a plane. Never had the desire. Not really worried, though; they're very safe.

    Just make sure you bring a big enough barf bag in case you get TOO drunk and they happen to hit some turbulence.

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  29. I get freaked out by the landing and takeoff. I'm OK the rest of the time.

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  30. You're going about your search all wrong... The more VD they have the bigger the discount.

    Skybound weenie... that's one that I forgot about.

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  31. I'd go with the valium and beer option - it's for winners!

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  32. I hate to fly...tried to skip my sisters wedding to avoid a plane ride. I found Xanex and a shot of something works well together. I also discovered if you politely tell the flight attendant you are about to have a panic attack and 'may I please have a drink' they will give you free alcohol:)

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  33. You feel slightly aroused when you order Calamari?

    :D

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