Monday, March 21, 2011

Latex Love

First off, big thanks to all you folks who wished me luck with my thesis project. With a little luck and a lot of Tanqueray, by the end of this quarter, I will officially be a Master of bullshit.

And to Bryan—my unfailingly supportive cohort—thanks for this weekend’s inspirational cartoons. To show my appreciation, I decided to send your wedding present early. It should be coming in the mail tomorrow. I hate to ruin the surprise, but it’s a giant box of celebratory condoms.

I bought the whole hand-selected collection off of the burrito guy who stands outside my favorite bar. Apparently, his cousin used to make them in Mexico until there was some kind of health inspection snafu and he had to shut the plant down. Bullshit, right? Who knew they had health standards down there? I mean, I thought Spanish Flies were supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Anyway, it looks like a pretty exotic assortment of rubbers.

Personally, I hope you’ll enjoy “The Habanero Hammer.” They bought the lubricant for these babies from the same company that grows chili peppers for Tabasco.

Among the gay community this brand is also popularly known as “The Ring of Fire.”

Also included is a box of the bestselling “Sneaky Pedro.” Don’t worry about all the pinholes in the latex; those are for speed.
The burrito guy happily assured me that these are the only contraceptive devices ever to have been approved by both the Mormon and Catholic churches. Ole!

               There are plenty of others here, like “Thorny Cactus,” the extra-rigid “Tequila’s Little Helper,” and, of course, “Burro Burrito” burro-skin prophylactics for those hypoallergenic folks, and that all-natural barnyard humping feel.
           
Have fun, amigo!

            -brandon

Beer: Bells Two-Hearted
Music: Infected Mushroom  (appropriate?)

35 comments:

  1. OMG this is by far the best condom blog I've ever heard. And what a good friend to give these to your best bud for an early wedding gift. He better appreciate each and every one! Hahahaha. Thanks for the laugh and smile!

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  2. love me some barnyard humpin...

    And congrats on your impending Master of bullshit degree. I personally stopped at the BSA (bullshit-artist) level, but a MASTER! Wow! Some stuff...

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  3. Yep, that condom looks like it would have my black ass on the Maury Povich show trying to track down my baby daddy lol

    This was a kick ass post!!

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  4. I'm gonna have to buy my friend some of those condoms. He and his girlfriend are SO LOUD sometimes.

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  5. yeah i always take my sexual protection seriously. Thats why i only take advice from a guy named "burrito guy" lol

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  6. I will officially be a Master of bullshit.
    ^ hahaha

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  7. LOl wow i didn't know there was so many types of condoms

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  8. hey, my parents bought a box like that once too, also from a burrito guy on the street.

    that's how they became my parents.

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  9. Don't forget the reusable condoms, aka Penis Flavored!

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  10. The catholic church would love it alright as a compromise, hol(e)y condoms.

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  11. Well if the Pope approves!
    And it burns,burns,burns, the ring of fire...

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  12. HAHAHAHA. Ah, civilization sure has evolved. (:

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  13. 'Don’t worry about all the pinholes in the latex; those are for speed.'

    Speed?! Yep, still a little concerned. Hope yar project turns out alright.

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  14. Ummm... Are you sure Bryan is a friend of yours? I'm thinking these will definitely spice up his sex life! Never a dull moment there when you put the burrito guy in charge.

    TalkativeTaurus.com

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  15. Is there a Montezuma's Revenge model?

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  16. Well, the guy is a meat merchant, why not sell the wraps?

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  17. ahh yes, speed holes. they make u go faster

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  18. "Latex Love" Had me laughing hard.

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  19. I prefer the scented "Fish Taco".

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  20. lol, because aerodynamics is the first thing you should look for in a condom.

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  21. lol Mormon approved condoms - brilliant!

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  22. The holes are for speed! I have a few girlfriends that must have gotten a box of these same condoms!

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  23. Usually it takes my penis about a week to start burning. That's without condoms though. Mexicans have sped up the process, good for them.

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  24. two hearted on cask is the bees knees!

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  25. Hilarious post!
    I'll check out your magazine.

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