Thursday, March 10, 2011

Is There a Reverend in the Hizzy?

       If my writings have been a little sparse lately, it's because we're planning our wedding this upcoming May ... and let me clarify that when I say 'we', I mean myself and my fiance, not Brandon and I. Jesus. I can't believe I had to explain that.
       Anyways, while the lady is currently undergoing a transformation (kidding, don't eat me), I've been making calls and getting this party started.
       DJ? Check.
       Location? Check.
       Wedding cake? Check (we're having cupcakes).
       Planning for the unexpected? And how!
       A reverend?
       ...Fuck.
       So this last week I went on an epic quest to find a reverend.
       I started by looking at the Catholic church, as I was born and raised Catholic (so this blog post, as well as anything I've done in the past 24 hours is a sin, btw). That didn't turn out so well.
      
      
       I went to visit a Southern Baptist reverend after that, but I don't know, I just think he was too enthusiastic for me. I want to keep the wedding low key.

       Also, I'm a white boy to the core, so I didn't understand a lot of what he said. I tried to reach Tyler Perry to get a translation, but he was busy elsewhere being unfunny.
       Next I went to Wal-mart to see if they have any reverends, because they have everything. Hell, they even have XXXXL lingerie.

Taken with my camera phone. Welcome to America, the land of the fat! Nothing's sexier than a size XXXL heart-print muumuu. I am not making this up. The tags indicate it is a size XXXL, which my fiance and I discovered would fit both of us together.
          That's what you get when you live in America.
          So I went to Wal-Mart's preacher section, and it turns out the only reverend they have is $9.95 and was made in a Chinese sweat shop.


           After that I went to Abercrombie and Fitch, but their reverend was WAY too trendy and in my face.



              Desperate and angry, I went to the bus stop and asked around, but I'm pretty sure the last guy wasn't even a preacher.
         

           With precious little options, we came up with a unique alternative. Since it's free to become an ordained minister, thanks to that crazy bitch the Internet, we're having my good friend Jason ordain himself and write up some fun/clever/still respectful and heartfelt words to marry us.
            What do you guys think? Disrespectful? Weird? Stupid? He's a very smart, very respectful guy, so I think it'd make for a unique wedding, a very personal ceremony, a fun exchange of vows, and more than anything, one hell of a story to tell over a good beer.

Stay classy, friends,
Bryan

Mood: On top of the world
Beer: Gave it all to that homeless guy and he didn't even marry us. Jerk.
Shower: I smell like meth. Probably gonna need one.
      
     

47 comments:

  1. I have to say I am enjoying your MSpaint art quite a bit, being that I have dated an asian woman for almost 5 years now the Dishonored my family bit is spot on lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. it is fine, as long as she is okay with it...and by she i mean her entourage, family and i would get it signed in triplicate...

    dude- i so totally get it, being that i got married in a diner in tie-dye...

    good luck and i for one am with you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This has been the second time I laughed today. I thank you for that. And I thought you were joking about the XXXL. Good God, that's big.

    ReplyDelete
  4. haha. I'm in awe of XXXXL anything let along sexy sleepwear (if you can call that sexy-I don't think you can). I think Jason marrying you is totally acceptable. My uncle is a judge and I always figured if I ever lost my mind and decided to marry he could do it. Then again my other uncle is a Minister--so I'm pretty much covered. Anyway...good luck with wedding planning. I'm helping my sister right now...and damn...it's enough to keep me from ever doing it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. In some states, like mine, you can have a notary perform the ceremony. I married my nephew to his wife. And "fuck"ing a reverend is probably not a good way to get the marital God on your side. LOL

    TalkativeTaurus.com

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think getting a friend to host the ceremony is a great idea. It's more fun, and more personal. Funny post :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. HAHAHA.

    Damn, your posts are hilarious. (:

    And I think that's a pretty cool idea. Like in How I Met Your Mother, Lily and Marshal were married by their best friend.

    And Wal-Mart DOES have everything. I live in China and Wal-Mart is one of the places I go to when I feel like I need a break from the overwhelming Chinese-ness. They don't have XXXL lingerie though. Probably won't appeal to the pint-sized Asian market.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm torn between Mr. Thong or Mr. Exploding heart. haha

    ReplyDelete
  9. Thank you lord! I'm not the only person in the world who thinks Tyler Perry is as funny as a box full of dead puppies!

    ReplyDelete
  10. i think you should have your friend dress like the abercrombie dude while he performs the ceremony. i think that spice things up a bit & make for some delightful memories. not to mention awesome fb pictures.

    ReplyDelete
  11. id say weird but congrats - hope youre making the right choice

    ReplyDelete
  12. Funny, I went through the same thing when I got married a few years ago. Being in the bible belt means that if you don't belong to a local congregation you are SOL when it comes to getting someone do your ceremony - which was okay because around here weddings and tent revivals are pretty much the same thing.

    We found a city councilwoman who agreed to do our ceremony. It was bizarre, but she did what we asked. It ended up being pretty good.

    Good luck

    ReplyDelete
  13. Congrats on the wedding and good luck finding a decent reverend.
    Those cartoons are hysterical!

    ReplyDelete
  14. haha thats just too funny! congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  15. i hear non-denominationals are pretty chill...


    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Go for it, my uncle did the same thing for one of his friends. It's cool, and from the heart. So long as the crowd isn't too uptight about that sort of thing.

    ReplyDelete
  17. haha congrats and I think you should get that homeless revered he looks like he really needs the money

    ReplyDelete
  18. if you already have a fast car why not get a fast boat to. or a boat car... i love these comics.

    ReplyDelete
  19. hahahah!! is this serious?!?!
    that was pretty funny dude!

    ReplyDelete
  20. I don't see what's wrong with having your friend ordain, but I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm immature, young, and really don't care for weddings or marriage yet.

    It's funny, this is the second post I've seen about weddings in as many days...

    ReplyDelete
  21. Very good read, enjoying your posts alot.

    ReplyDelete
  22. As long as it's legal and SWMBO agrees you'll be fine, as a catholic myself that caption was very good and brought back memories I had thought I had buried.

    ReplyDelete
  23. the vocalist/bassist of the band 'bruce loose' became a universal life church minister just so he could marry jello biafra and therese soder in a graveyard in 1981. personally, i can't think of anything more romantic.

    now then! i'm curious about this statement:

    "The tags indicate it is a size XXXL, which my fiance and I discovered would fit both of us together."

    was this actually discovered while IN the walmart?!

    ReplyDelete
  24. a friend who's a minister? What could possibly go wrong?

    ReplyDelete
  25. That was very funy, glad you have it now sorted out.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Love the drawings and story. Glad you got it all sorted out. Having your friend marry you should be fun.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Congrats on the wedding! now that you mention it, a beer in the shower would be nice! Following!

    ReplyDelete
  28. I would never have guessed Arnold to get into A&F and modeling after after Hey Arnold! went off the air. Lol

    ReplyDelete
  29. If you do need access to homeless ministers, I have connections.

    ReplyDelete
  30. As a pragmatic/apathetic agnostic, my views on marriage are somewhat forthcoming, and therefore i will shut my mouth on the subject. Instead, I wish you and your fiancée an awesome day, and I hope that whole minister situation works out!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Loving the drawings man! I hope you and Brandon have a majestic wedding that leads to a long healthy relationship! BTW, if you ever need any photoshopping feel free to email me...

    ReplyDelete
  32. i have to say my opinion on marriage is not what you want to hear about so ill wish you congrats, and good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Good luck! Hope the preparations go well!

    ReplyDelete
  34. You made these? You should become an artist! lol.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I'm getting married in July...her father used to be an Archdeacon (cool title) so it feels like the whole Anglican church is turning up for our wedding...just got to remember not to say 'Jesus Christ!' or 'For Christ sake!' or 'What the f$ck would Jesus do?!!?!?!' or any of my other favourite curses during my speach

    ReplyDelete
  36. I think it's awesome you're having your friend do it! It will be something you guys look back on for years to come since it will be special and unique! :)

    ReplyDelete
  37. That's both hilarious and amazing. I truly approve.

    ReplyDelete
  38. I hate to tell you this, but you've been awarded a very prestigious honor over at my site. Someone gave it to me, and you know the rules... congrats.

    http://squatlo-rant.blogspot.com/2011/03/shameless-self-promotion-alert-blog.html

    ReplyDelete
  39. Love your illustrations. I think the ordained friend would be pretty cool.

    ReplyDelete
  40. lol excellent art. good post!

    An overwhelming dose of awesome can be found in my 4th electro set! Check it
    Electric Addict Set #4

    ReplyDelete
  41. Listen here: that guy with the saltines and meth was probably your best bet. Go back and get him. Fuck, you probably don't even have to give him meth, he looks like he would take a few dozen boxes of sudafed and the cooking supplies. Just don't hang around while he does it, I hear those things can blow up.

    Also: christ punishes those who do not get married in his church.

    http://arealgoodblog.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  42. Sounds great! Although I know nothing about marriage, so hum. But in my experience an overly traditional marriage can be less enjoyable. It's important that you both enjoy the day, and you feel as comfortable as possible, ya know. Separate cup cakes are also a genius idea!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Great idea. It'll make it all much more intimate and special. Better than a JP. And cupcakes - love it! Warning: I may crash.

    ReplyDelete
  44. lol'd at ''will preach for food''

    ReplyDelete