Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Razor Envy

            Bryan and I both have Spanish roots, but where his bullfighting genes give him the patchy goatee of Speedy Gonzales, mine were overpowered by the blitzkrieg intervention of Germanic hairiness. Which means I’ve been shaving since birth. At least it feels like it some days.
            Yeah, yeah, guys grow beards. So, what’s the point, asshole? Aside from the fact that I apparently need to fill my calendar with more interesting things to blog about, the point is that I’ve never actually grown a beard before. Despite my capability for pulling off a stellar Grizzly Adams since the end of middle school, it’s never been attempted. I’m usually a believer in keeping a healthy amount of disreputable stubble, but today I officially crossed that line and wandered into the territory of the common wino.
            How far am I going to let this go? Who knows. I don’t think I’m cut out for the mad prophet beard. At best, I’d probably look like a starved young Santa Claus. Which would really be more deserving of a Jesus analogy, I guess. But I don’t have a good set of billowing robes to pull off the son-of-God look. In reality, I’m already starting to feel like a walking Q-tip, so this whole beard thing is probably going to be short-lived. However, if Bryan and I keep getting writing news as bad as we did today, I might not have much choice in the matter. A fellow’s face can get damn chilly when he's got to sleep under a bridge at night.

Cheers,

-brandon

Beer: Amstel Light
Music: The Pigeon Detectives



                                          (Some men prefer to marry beards.)

32 comments:

  1. lmfao! Beards rock! As long as you don't have crazy nigerian hair it's all good! (I dated a nigerian dude...his beard HURT MY INNER THIGHS!!!!!)

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  2. Santa, Jesus... what's the difference? One's for kids, the other's for adults.

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  3. It's warm in FL if you need a bridge. I think that's where we're heading.

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  4. hahahaha that picture and the caption made me spit out my water! hahaha.

    I don't mind facial hair on a guy but there is a point where it gets a bit "creepy guy riding around in a windowless van handing out lollipops and asking for help finding lost puppies outside local elementary schools" and then I have to say good day.

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  5. I didn't have to really shave until I was close to 30. I discovered then that shaving sucks. I let mine go until it itches too much and then shave. Then let it go again until I can't take it anymore. I'd just wash my face with a depilatory cream if it didn't burn so bad (yes I really did try it. Not recommended).

    So, I'm sorry an early puberty robbed you of many shaveless years. Have them now.

    Sorry about the bad news.

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  6. i am in the same boat as you, in middle school i was being asked for chaving advice. I usually know its time to shave when things get itchy....

    randomramblingggg.blogspot.com

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  7. Ive been trying to convince you to grow something for years! Finally, and I cant even see it!

    you know, you should make a goal; NHL, they dont shave through playoffs; dude from the steelers didnt shave until superbowl; you should avoid shaving until published!

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  8. Must post photo. Before and after. Do you send photos with your submissions and queries? Now wouldn't that be an interesting experiment: see what kind of response you get from those editors/publishers who see the hairy or the smooth face?
    Ha! Very funny post. ;)

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  9. A post about beards? Well this is certainly a first for me... I think I like it.

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  10. Hell yeah dude! If you can grow a beard half as well as you grow sweaters it wont take long at all!

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  11. I wish I can grow my beard! Beards are epic! But sadly my beard looks like pubic hair :(

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  12. For the past couple years, I've been rockin' the "just shaved a couple days ago" look... just because I like the stubble.

    Also, when I stroke my chin while contemplating a question, it makes me look fucking awesome.

    idk if you're a hockey fan, but playoff time the most socially acceptable time to grow a beard anyway

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  13. I normally have a 5 o'clock shadow by noon, so I just grew it out and I keep it trimmed, way easier than shaving. I have gotten way more compliments on my beard than I ever had clean shaven. So if you're like me and have a beard by the time you come home from work just run with it.

    So far ladies love it.

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  14. Well maintained facial hair is the mark of a true gentleman.

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  15. I have a goatee to cover up some of the ugliness and to save food for later.

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  16. I wanna grow a beard to make me look older :(

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  17. 2 weeks and counting - the longest time I've ever gone without shaving but most of the beard grew in the first few days and now I think its slowing down :)

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  18. i am lazy i hate shaving and i almost always have a beard...

    but i am also man pretty so the bread discourages some women.

    loved the last pic and comment!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

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  19. I barely have any beard, but I have to shave because otherwise I get awful patch shadow. Good luck in your bearded endeavours.

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  20. My ex father-in-law could probably grow a beard in two days, but because he's always worked in the Wall Street stock trader type biz he's had to keep it cleaned up... and the only reason I mention this is because I told him one day that no man should go through life without letting a beard happen...
    Go for it, man! (and that was a cheap shot with Cruise at the end... funny, but cheap! I like that in a person, do carry on...)

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  21. Pretty soon you will have, dare I say, a BEARD for the shower.

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  22. I'm jealous, at 30 the best I can do is sideburns-- everything else is patchy and terrible looking.

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  23. LOL, my hubby has been shaving since he was a kid too. He can grow a full beard in no time.

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  24. Beards are awesome lol, I'd love to see a pic once you've grown it out :3

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  25. i cant even grow a beard i wonder what its like...

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  26. Nothing wrong with rocking a beard lol

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  27. I couldn't grow a good one if I wanted to. I can grow thick hair on my face, but only in certain patches, it's really strange.

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  28. Chris - Look on the bright side, when I moved to Chicago, you became relatively less bald by not having me around.

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  29. LOL! I lived in Espana and loved it :o)

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  30. Oh, Brandon.... zing... *wipes tear from eye*

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