Thursday, February 10, 2011

An Ode to Coffee

I don’t get a lot of sleep these days. Between drafting two new novels, my thesis, doing various other writerly projects, working, and having a life, there’s just not much time for it. Which is why, in a land of brainwave deadlines, the coffeepot reigns king. In order to slay REM cycles and stave off Twilight-grade prose, I trust only my cheap ass, battered, Black and Decker to keep me coherent.

Besides the beer hop, no finer brewable crop exists than the coffee bean. It’s so deliciously addictive that I thank the heavens daily that I don’t have to turn tricks under a bridge just to keep up with my habit. It would seem that the Colombians have got their shit together when it comes to picking out lucrative export enterprises. Do you hear that, dropout corner peddler? If you want to keep yourself flush in neon sneakers and knee-high Bedazzled jeans for life, and out of prison, legal addiction is where the cash flow is at. Go start a Starbucks franchise. Barring that, at least go and ask for a fucking application.

I’ll see you all Saturday, for which a funnier post is brewing. It’s tentatively titled Fuck Wal-Mart. I have no idea what Uncle Bryan’s got in store for you tomorrow, but if he’s anything like my uncle, well, it’s probably best to bring along a couple bottles of mace.

With that, I propose a toast to the coffee bean. Thanks for the sleepless nights and the irregular heart palpitations! And, while we’re at it, why not raise a mug to the nice Colombian families who are thoughtful enough to harvest the shit for a nickel a week.

To exploitation!

-brandon

Music: The Indelicates
Beer: Dunkin’ Donuts Dark Roast
                                                                     What's a drug mule, amigo?

37 comments:

  1. Ah coffee. It is possible to drink too much?
    Probably, but who cares. It's delicious

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  2. The drink of champions. I pour these stuff in my Wheaties.

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  3. I love coffee, but when I drink too much I get the doo-doo's! It's like a verbally abusive boyfriend who's great in bed... it gets me off, but when it's done with me I feel pretty shitty :(

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  4. Coffee got me through a lot of mornings

    Following
    http://oneblueyoyo.blogspot.com/

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  5. Me and my Nespresso machine are having a little thing going on.
    I picked up my coffee habit in Austria and Germany where a spoon stands straight without leaning on the cup - it's that strong, and that damn good.

    What kills me here is going to a restaurant where the coffee is so weak and light coloured that you swear it's dish washing water!

    Is your B & D partial to brewing a particular blend?

    Fun post!
    Jenny

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  6. I am addicted to coffee, have several cups a day and drink it black.

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  7. Don't want to be the fly in the ointment but coffee is the devils arse gravy, have tried for decades to like it but to no avail and will be a tea man till I die.Sorry but I get my caffeine addiction from the goodness that is Coca Cola.

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  8. i love coffee..i drink coffee every day on top of my energy drinks ;p

    http://skybluetrading.blogspot.com/

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  9. The REM cycle is where you get all of your restorative sleep, try sleeping only 3-4 hours at night and taking 2-3 20-30 minute naps during the day spaced out evenly, this will allow your brain to get the amount of REM sleep you need and cut your total sleeping time down significantly.

    Also, I'm addicted to AMP energy drinks ;_; so I feel you on the caffeine addiction.

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  10. Waking up to the scent of freshly brewed coffee... Finishing a great meal with a luscious expresso .... A near perfect day :)

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  11. Right now..*sip* as I write this *sip* my 2nd cuppa java is going down *gulp*
    No java=comatose Lynnie

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  12. Nothing like a cup of coffee in the morning to get the day started with deliciousness.

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  13. I'm looking forward to your thoughts on Wal-Mart. I have my own thoughts which might be very similar.

    I love coffee! I used to drink it in copious quantities, but then I developed a bad reaction to it. Disaster! Never mind - something warming as the sun goes over the yard arm is not a bad substitute.

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  14. The beans from Blue Mountain in Jamaica make for a fine brew, if you can afford them... When we were in Costa Rica we found out what strong coffee was really like. They serve it in cups the size of thimbles, so you can't add cream or sugar in sufficient quantities to make it drinkable... and you spend the rest of the morning bouncing off the walls like a weasel on crack...

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  15. Unfortunately I will never appreciate this post, for what I am sure is a touching tribute to coffee, because I hate the shit. Hate the smell, hate the taste, hate everything about it. *gasp* I know...I know...but I do, sorry.

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  16. what would we do without caffeine? i cant get through a day without it. luckily ive only had the heart palpitations once but it scared the sh*t outta me nonetheless.

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  17. I am not a coffee fan, but I am addicted to tea. I am looking forward to the Walmart post, let the bashing begin!

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  18. My mother used to put coffee in my baby bottle. Swear to god. Believe that? Then at 9 I started drinking it every morning. I love it. Need it. Gotta have it in the mornings. Black. No Sugar. Ahhhhhhhh. DD and Folgers I love you.

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  19. Coffee, I'm fairly certain, is the nectar of the gods. How else would they be able to see all/know all?

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  20. Do "gangsta" gentlemen drink coffee?

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  21. <3 Coffee <3

    I have to agree with you :) Could't live without it =]

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  22. Coffee and cocaine, Columbia is a magical place!

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  23. Think I'll go get a cup right now. I could use it for sure.

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  24. I rather go for tea :D then coffee. But when I'm sleepy I just take a nap lol

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  25. I've just never developed a taste for coffee. Live for energy drinks though.

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  26. Coffee is one of my closest friends.

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  27. I need my cups of coffee to get through the day. I feel like a zombie when I don't have that jolt of caffeine to get me going.

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  28. You gotta buy a Keurig machine man... greatest damn coffee I have ever tasted

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  29. Oh ya, I've got that Ode down. Sing it all day long. Good luck with it all!

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  30. i can't function without a double espresso in the morning

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  31. I do not handle caffeine well. I shall now destroy your blog with my mind.

    HRRRRNGG!

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  32. one of the greatest drinks of all time.

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  33. coffee flavored beer...

    or coffee with beer in it...

    yummy!

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  34. Ewww coffee, I'm glad that I don't need to depend on that stuff because if there is going to be a war over anything I think coffee would be it if there was a shortage or whatnot!

    The Adorkable Ditz' Missteps

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  35. You haven't had real coffee until you've had Brazilian coffee!

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