Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Nocturnal E-missions

We all know that nothing is less interesting than hearing a long winded, rambling recollection of someone else’s dreams. Even an hour of George Lopez’s comedy routine is more bearable than listening to the half-forgotten nonsense that splashes out of your best friend’s unconscious mind like so much toilet water.

With that said, I had the weirdest dream last night…

            I was lost inside the Temple of Doom, of Indiana Jones fame, except that it had been converted into a shopping mall. The cultish tribesmen from the film were there, but had given up their turbans in exchange for mall security outfits, and they were chasing me because I’d taken a shower in the decorative fountain (the planners shouldn’t have put the damn thing right in front of a Bath and Body Works). Luckily, my wizarding skills are keen in the dreamscape, and I was able to conjure up some clothes before being pursued through the dank caverns by a pack of angry ritualists. I jogged past store after store, decorated in the Flintstones motif, until I’d finally lost my pursuers.

            I decided that some Cinnabon sounded pretty tasty and punched the button for the food court elevator. But, the doors opened into the bottom of the deep-end of my high-school swimming pool. I was sucked inside and, just like I’d always pictured during all those hours of practice, a giant, cigar-smoking shark was swimming in the water too. I yelled in a string of bubbles and swam as fast as I could, but the surface wasn’t anywhere in sight. The pool had grown to the size of an ocean. The shark got closer, turned into a torpedo, and exploded. When I blinked my eyes I was standing, perfectly dry, inside my formerly local comic-book shop. All the regular owners had been replaced by the Temple of Doom guys again, and even though they’d probably torn the hearts out of my old geeky pals, at least they seemed to have forgotten about the whole indecent exposure thing. We drank beer and played darts.
           
            There were no boobs or gratuitous nudity, so, if you’ve read this far, I don’t know what else to say. Sorry?

Beer: Three Floyd’s Gumballhead
Music: Buckcherry

-brandon

                                        (On anyone but you, Indy, that is a fucking man-purse)

                                                  (You shall never again defile mall property, infidel!)

22 comments:

  1. Gotta say, never had an exploding cigar-torpedo-shark before. Had a Freddy Kruger spider though, that was wierd.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I actually really enjoy hearing/reading about other peoples' dreams! Haha.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I like the bit about the cigar-smoking shark.

    You should have submitted this to my zine! The next issue is about dreams.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You sure this isn't a bad acid trip? Sounds semi-familiar. haha.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I love random dreams. hahaha. thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This inspires me to start a sub-blog in which I sort of do a dream journal (only with a blog, obviously). I mean, you guys just have so great of a writing style.

    ReplyDelete
  7. only Indy can make a purse a satchel.

    ReplyDelete
  8. The mind works in mysterious ways... that's cool you can remember your dreams. i always forget mine

    ReplyDelete
  9. while reading this i may have fallen asleep...but i could not remember my dream...

    just kidding!

    as usual this post made me Laugh! Out! Loud!

    love the blog love your comments
    you guys rock!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nothing worse in life than a cigar smoking shark.

    ReplyDelete
  11. That was wierd and the sorry will be fine, I forgive you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. are you a comic book fan too?1?! ilu

    ReplyDelete
  13. Cigar smoking shark, hum? I usually have to deal with King Kong in my dreams.

    ReplyDelete
  14. what the hell man
    this dream is just too awesome

    ReplyDelete
  15. now what does a giant, cigar-smoking, torpedo transforming, exploding shark say about your unconscious?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Without going into the more obvious of your subconscious neurosis, I'd suggest either more tequila before bedtime or less tequila. One or the other. Or make sure you take a good hi-def video cam along for your next swim dream.
    You could market that shit as a video game.

    "MallShark! Rated 'M' for Maniacal- Not suited for Younger Players or non-swimmers"

    ReplyDelete
  17. Dude...where can I get whatever you're taking before you go to sleep?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Last night I was flying around with some type of jetpack.
    Dreaming is one of the greatest things in life.

    ReplyDelete
  19. What the hell did I just read... You might wanna lay off the Melatonin/Ambien/LSD... Thumbs up on the cigar-smoking shark though... damn paradox that one...

    ReplyDelete